Acting Assertively
After challenging your passive thoughts you should now be on the road to thinking more assertively. Thinking more assertively is the first step to communicating more assertively (if you need some help with this, check out the blog below ‘How to Think Assertively’ to get started).
The next step in learning to communicate more assertively is learning how to behave and speak more assertively. When reading through the following tips on behaving assertively, it’s important to keep in mind your verbal versus nonverbal behaviour. You may think that you are acting assertively by speaking in a particular way, but your body language may be communicating the opposite.
Speaking Assertively - Basic
When speaking assertively, it is important to keep in mind your beliefs, needs, wants, feelings and opinions. To do this, it is typically helpful to use sentences that begin with “I”. Some examples of this might be.
“I need some time to think about that”
“I was next in line”
“I think you could try it this way”
“I’m happy with that”
“I feel angry”
“I feel nervous”
“I need some help with this”
It is important to remember to be specific and direct when speaking assertively. Avoid using fillers, pauses, qualifiers or apologies. These specific and direct messages communicate that you are in control, can help reduce anxiety, and help to take responsibility for your feelings.
Speaking Assertively - Empathic
This way of speaking assertively is used when you recognise that the other person may be involved in a situation that may not fit with your needs or wants. This way of speaking demonstrates recognition for their needs and wants, as well as your own. It helps you to get some space and time to imagine the other person’s situation, instead of responding quickly and aggressively. Some examples of this may be:
“I can see that you’re busy, Cameron, but I’d like to make a request of you”
“I appreciate that you don’t like the new procedure, Nicholas, however, I’d like you to keep using it”
“I recognise that its difficult to be precise on costs, Liam, however, I need a rough estimate”
Speaking Assertively - Consequence
This way of speaking assertively should be used in the last instance. It is to be used when you want to change the behaviour of someone else who has been disregarding the needs of others. It is also for when you want to change their behaviour, and inform them of the consequences of not doing so, without becoming aggressive. A situation when you might use this style of assertiveness is if someone at work is not following procedure. This assertive style can easily be mistaken for an aggressive style, however, so be very careful with your nonverbal signals. Remember to keep your body and face relaxed, keep your voice calm, and maintain good eye contact. Some examples of speaking assertively with consequence include:
“I’d prefer not to, but if this happens again, I’ll be left with no option but to take disciplinary action.”
“I have told you my feelings on this matter, if you continue to disregard what I have said I will have to end this conversation”
“If you continue to withhold the information, I’ll have no choice but to take this higher up. I’d prefer not to.”
Speaking Assertively - Discrepancy
This style of assertion is to be used when there is a discrepancy between what has been previously agreed and what is actually occurring. It is helpful for clarification, misunderstanding, or contradiction. Some examples of this style of assertion include:
“My understanding was that we agreed that the other task was the top priority. Now you’re asking me to prioritise this task instead. I’d like to clarify which task is now the top priority.”
“I thought we had agreed to see a movie, and now you are saying we are going for a drink. I am not dressed up to go out for a drink and I am confused as I wanted to go the movies. Can you please clarify what our plans are?”
“I asked you several weeks ago to go to this concert with me to the act we both really like, but you said you couldn’t afford to go. Since then you have spent a lot of money on clothing and meals out. Why did you tell me you couldn’t afford it?”
Speaking Assertively - Negative Feelings
Another way to behave assertively includes when you have negative feelings toward someone else’s behaviour. Here are four helpful steps to speaking assertively with someone about their behaviour:
Let them know what the behaviour is that you want to address and describe it without adding your own judgment at this point. For example, your friend speaking rudely to wait staff when you are out for a meal together.
Let them know specifically in what way their behaviour impacts you, in a clear and concise manner without overgeneralising. For example, potential reactions from the wait staff to you during your meal.
Describe your feelings. For example, confused, guilty, embarrassed or sad.
Describe how you would like their behaviour to be different in future. For example, how they could speak to wait staff differently next time.
Putting all of these examples together, you could say the following to your friend: “When you speak rudely to the wait staff during our meal, they are less responsive to both you and I. I feel annoyed about this, so in future I would like you to take more care with the way you speak to wait staff.”
Read later blogs in this series to learn how to say “no”, how to deal with criticism and disappointment, and how to give and receive compliments.