The Four Pitfalls of Any Relationship and What to do About Them
Coming to therapy with your partner is a brave step to take in improving one of the most important relationships in your life. You may decide to approach couples’ therapy when you have come up against a roadblock you can’t move beyond. Alternatively, attending couples therapy regularly might be a practice you already carry out to maintain your relationship and keep it progressing.
The most substantial literature in couples’ therapy comes from the extensive research completed by the Gottman Institute, based in Seattle USA. Longitudinal studies with married couples completed by Gottman and others over the course of 12 years were able to predict divorce or separation with 90% accuracy.
Gottman found that the average couple will wait six years before seeking help for marital problems, and that half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years (Gottman, J.M. 1994). Stable marriages have a 5:1 ratio of positivity to negativity during conflict, whereas in unstable marriages the ratio is 0.8:1 (Gottman, J.M. and Lenvenson, R. 1999). Emotional withdrawal, and the absence of positive affect during conflict discussions (shared humour, affection, empathy) predict divorce around 16 years after the wedding (Gottman, J.M. 1994).
Although these studies were completed in 1994 with married couples, the findings continue to hold up in a modern context. Couples of any sexual orientation or marital status continue to benefit from the findings of these longitudinal studies. This blog will discuss the four communication styles – known as ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ – that help to predict early divorce or separation in couples. I will also discuss some strategies couples may employ to improve upon these communication styles.
1. Criticism
This is when you verbally attack the other person’s personality or character. This is different to voicing your concerns or a complaint.
For example, a concern or complaint would be:
“I felt frustrated and upset when you said you were going to do the dishes after dinner and then you didn’t do them. I thought we had agreed to take turns”
A criticism would be: “You never think about how your behaviour affects me. You never think of other people, you’re just selfish”
A concern or complaint addresses a specific issue. A criticism attacks someone at their core. It makes the other person feel rejected, hurt, or assaulted and can lead to an escalating pattern of criticism with greater intensity and frequency.
What to do about it:
Express your concerns by speaking about how the other person’s behaviour (not their character) impacts the way that you feel. In doing so, express to your partner what you need from them in a positive and not attacking way. Using “I” statements is a great way to do this.
For example, instead of saying something like “You eat too much junk food”, try “I feel worried when you eat lots of sugar because your family have a history of cholesterol problems, and your health and wellbeing is really important to me. Why don’t we try together to make some healthier choices?”
2. Contempt
Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce, and the most corrosive behaviour in a relationship. It is to attack the other person’s sense of self with the intent to insult or abuse them. When one partner is contemptuous toward the other, they are made to feel despised and worthless. Contempt is being truly mean or mocking towards your partner. When you communicate in this way you are sarcastic, use aggressive humour, treat the other person with disrespect, name call, eye-roll, sneer, ridicule, mimic or scoff.
An example of contempt:
“You think you’ve had a busy day? I’ve been racing around doing things for you and the kids all day. You just come home and lie down and do absolutely nothing to help. You wouldn’t know hard work if it smacked you in the face. Cry me a river! You’re so lazy and pathetic you have no bloody idea!”
Research even demonstrates that contemptuous couples are more likely to suffer from colds or the flu than others due to weakened immune systems. Contempt goes beyond criticism. It assumes a position of moral superiority as it aims to embarrass or shame your partner by painting them as unworthy. It must be eliminated if you want your relationship to succeed.
What to do about it:
Build a culture of appreciation between yourself and your partner. Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities. What attracted you to them in the first place? Write down or memorise every single positive or helpful thing they do or say – no matter how small it may seem. Find gratitude for their positive actions and demonstrate this to them. Thank them. Say something nice to them. Put yourself in their shoes.
3. Defensiveness
Everyone has been defensive at some point. Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism, and is usually present when a relationship is in strife. Defensiveness in a relationship is when you victimise yourself to ward off a perceived criticism or attack, and to reverse blame.
An example of defensiveness:
“Did you call Toby and Melissa to let them know that we’re not coming tonight like you said you would?”
Defensive response: “I was too busy today! You know how busy my day was. Why didn’t you just do it?”
This partner not only responds defensively but reverse blames in an attempt to make it the other partner’s fault.
When you feel like you have been unjustly accused, you will make excuses and play the victim so that your partner backs off. Unfortunately this strategy is almost never successful. When you make excuses it just tells your partner that you don’t take their concerns seriously, and that you are unwilling to take responsibility for your mistakes.
Although it is understandable to defend yourself if you are feeling attacked and stressed out, this approach will not have the desired effect. Defensiveness will only escalate conflict if the other partner does not back down or apologise, because defensiveness is really a way of blaming them in return.
What to do about it:
Take responsibility. Accept your partner’s perspective and offer an apology for any wrongdoing. Offer a non-defensive response as a way to express acceptance of responsibility, admission of fault where required, and an understanding of your partners perspective.
In the example above, a non-defensive response to the question would be: “Oops, I forgot to call them! I should have asked you this morning if you would be able to do it because I knew I would be too busy today. That’s my fault, I’m sorry. I’ll call them right now.”
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is withdrawing to avoid conflict and convey disapproval, distance, and separation, and is usually in response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when you shut down from the interaction, and simply stop responding to your partner. Rather than confronting the issues your partner is raising, you evade them by either tuning out, acting busy, turning away, or engaging in distracting behaviours.
Stonewalling can take some time to occur in a relationship, but once it begins to happen it can be difficult to stop. This may be due to feeling overwhelmed emotionally and physiologically, and therefore not being in a state to be able to discuss things rationally.
What to do about it:
If you feel like you’re stonewalling during a conflict conversation, ask your partner to take a break.
For example: “I’m feeling too angry/anxious/upset to keep talking about this. Can we please take a break and come back to it in a while? It will be easier to work through this once I’ve calmed down”
During the break time, take around 20 minutes to do something that soothes you. Go for a walk, listen to a podcast, stretch your muscles, take some deep breaths, or read a book, and then return to the conversation once you feel ready - it is important to make sure that you do return to it.