Perfectionism: Working towards accepting imperfection

If you identify as a perfectionist, you are not alone! Many people have perfectionistic tendencies, in areas of their lives such as their work, study appearance and relationships, as well as in their expectations of others. 

That’s not to say that there is anything wrong with striving to perform well, as being a high achiever can be rewarding and allow people to take pride in their achievements and learn from their mistakes. 

But perfectionists differ from high achievers in that they embody a toxic combination of excessively high personal standards, extreme self-criticism, and fragile self-worth. These attributes create a lot of stress, suffering and unhappiness, and actually impair the likelihood of performing well.

Perfectionism, and its accompanying desire to avoid failure, leads to behaviours and feelings such as:

·      Procrastination

·      Avoiding situations and tasks that you might fail in

·      Finding it difficult to compromise

·      Giving up quickly if a particular activity does not seem to be going well

·      Having difficulty making decisions

·      Feeling angry when you or others make mistakes

·      Seeking reassurance form others that your work is good enough

·      Impatience

·      Not taking constructive criticism well

·      Competing to be better than others

·      Being easily disappointed

·      Finding it difficult to delegate tasks

Some ways to tackle perfectionism

Perfectionism can be addressed, leading to healthier attitudes. Try some of the following ideas if you think you may have perfectionistic tendencies.

1. Look at the pros and cons 

Write down lists of the pros and cons of perfectionism for you. While you may believe that perfectionism helps you to perform and achieve, it is important to be aware of what the negative consequences for you. Use these to motivate yourself to change your attitudes. 

2. Raise awareness of your critical inner voice

Perfectionists tend to be extremely self-critical, particularly when they do not think they have met their high standards. They have negative thoughts about not being good enough, or not having tried hard enough. Perfectionists typically engage in “should” and “must” thinking, as well as “black and white” thinking, where they can only see extremes. For example, “it wasn’t perfect, so I failed”. 

A good way to become more aware of your self-critical thinking is to write down your thoughts (preferably as they occur) when you feel you have failed or not done well enough. You can then notice what messages you are sending yourself, and consider whether they are accurate or helpful. Challenge your thoughts!

3. Notice the positives

Perfectionists tend to focus on perceived failings, mistakes and evidence that they are not achieving, while not noticing good qualities or progress. To counteract this, try focusing on noticing what you have done well and the positive achievements of others. Every time you catch yourself focusing on a negative aspect of yourself or your activity, balance this with a positive observation.

4. Accept criticism and learn from mistakes

Try to accept constructive criticism as valuable information and helpful towards achieving better outcomes, just as learning from mistakes is important. This is often difficult for perfectionists who, because of their debilitating fear of failing or not measuring up, tend to react defensively to any criticism and equate any mistakes with complete failure.  

5. Set attainable goals

Perfectionism typically involves setting unrealistic and rigid goals, setting the person up to ‘fail’. By setting yourself smaller and achievable sub-goals, you will be more likely to experience success and reach your longer-term goal. You might consider rewarding yourself when you achieve each goal. 

6. Focus on the process

Perfectionists tend to be very results and goal focused. Challenge this by reminding yourself that the process leading to the outcome is also important and to be enjoyed if possible. Notice the steps, gains and progress that form the process.

With practice, it is possible to accept that ‘almost perfect’ is still a job very well done and that, while you may not be ‘perfect’, that is exactly how it should be.