Teens and Screens

Teenagers and their phones is an issue parents raise with me every week. Parents are exasperated and bewildered at how closely their teens are attached to their screens, and teens are incensed at how controlling their parents are, and how much their parents just don’t get it. 

Here are a few dos and don’ts when it comes to navigating this tricky minefield:

DON’T

·      Take away the phone. Although this forces your teen to use their phone less, it doesn’t teach them the long-term skills to balance their use, which is ultimate goal. 

·      Get stuck in lectures or debates about phone use. You will never understand how important the phone is to your teen, and your teen will never understand (or value) your concerns. Not only will these approaches be ineffective, but will impact negatively on your relationship.

·      Invalidate your teen’s perspective. Even if you don’t understand the importance of their phone use, listen to why their phone is important to them, and don’t dismiss their thoughts and perspective just because it’s different to yours. 

·      Get drawn into an argument when your teen gets defensive – for the sake of effectiveness, and for the sake of your relationship. 

·      Be directive in your approach. It is much more powerful to listen to your teen, and get them to come up with some ideas. 

DO

·      Reassure them that you understand their phone is important to them, which is why you don’t want to ban it completely. What you want is to find a solution for their phone use that works for both of you.

·      Give a (short!) rationale for why it’s important to you that you set boundaries on their phone use. 

·      Negotiate a mutually agreeable solution. Negotiation is one of the most powerful parenting tools with teenagers. 

·      Approach the negotiation as you would with a colleague or adult friend. This will make collaboration much more likely, and get you much closer to a successful outcome.

·      Measure progress, organizing a time to check in and discuss how successful the plan has been. If they’re able to stick to the plan, they can continue to manage their use independently. If not, you need to continue to work together to find a solution. 

Taking a different approach to solving the problem of phone use can be difficult. However, it is the way you go about this issue that is critical to its outcome. Shifting from an authoritarian to a collaborative parenting approach can not only improve the likelihood of a solution, but improve the relationship, teach important skills and build mutual respect in the process.