Grief and Loss

Feelings of loss and grief are a normal response to losing someone or something that you care deeply about. Loss can be experienced in many contexts, including the death of a loved one, or the loss of a relationship, a job, your health, your sense of safety, your way of life, or a possession.

While most of us will experience grief in our lives, how it is experienced is very individual and there is no ‘right’ way to grieve. How we grieve is affected by many factors, including who or what we have lost, how the loss came about, our personality and upbringing, our culture and spiritual beliefs, previous experiences of loss, and our social support and other circumstances at the time of the loss.

People experience and deal with grief in many different ways. Some people find it helpful to return to their usual lives and routines quite quickly, while others take some time before doing this. Similarly, some people naturally lean towards being alone during grieving, while others reach out for support and company from those around them. However, while everyone grieves differently there are some typical responses to loss, such as:

• Feeling depressed and/or anxious, including poor sleep and appetite, mood swings and tearfulness, feeling stressed or confused.

• Feeling hopeless or unable to go on (thoughts of suicide or self-harm).

• Denial of the loss having occurred or feeling it is not real. Feeling numb.

• Feeling disconnected form others, isolated and lonely.

• Difficulty concentrating.

• Loss of enjoyment in activities previously enjoyed.

• Feelings or anger, guilt, shame or relief. These emotions may sometimes be towards the person who has died, or in relation to the grief (e.g. guilt at getting on with life or ‘moving on’).

• Seeking reminders of person who has died, or feeling they are present in some way.

• Worries about not grieving enough or correctly.

Things That Can Help

Grieve.  It is very important that you allow yourself to grieve by letting your feelings out. Bottling up your emotions can lead to a longer and more complicated grieving process. You can express your emotions through activities such as sharing with those close to you or a psychologist, joining a group of others experiencing a similar process, listening to or playing music, creating art, keeping a journal, saying goodbye through ceremonies or rituals, meditating or praying, or even through physical activity. Do whatever works for you.

 Be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to do whatever suits your needs during your grieving process.

Go at your own pace. Remember that there is no normal or right period of time for the grief process, and it can take some time to adjust to your loss. Do not feel you need to ‘move on’ or ‘get over it’ and do not rush into anything new or making decisions until you are ready. 

Be open to be supported. Try to let family and friends support you, even though it may feel difficult to accept their help. It might help to let them know what you feel you need, whether that is emotional help, or practical support like cooking, or looking after children.

Look after yourself. Make an effort to eat well, exercise regularly and get enough sleep, as your mind and body need to be supported during this difficult time. Try not to turn to alcohol or drugs to numb the pain, as this will interfere with your recovery.

Look for enjoyment. Stay connected with family and friends and keep doing activities you enjoy, even when you are feeling sad or overwhelmed. It is ok not to grieve all the time and to have times of enjoyment, and this will help your recovery.

When Grief Is More Complicated And Additional Help May Be Needed

Most people eventually adjust to their loss and return to their usual life (while carrying some ongoing sadness), with the support of their family and friends. However, about 10-20% of people do not adjust well and experience protracted or more complicated grief. Identifying this is not simple as the grief process is so individual, but if some of the following warning signs are evident 1-2 months after a loss the person may be at risk of coping very poorly over time and intervening early could be worthwhile:

·     Avoidance of feelings and grieving (maybe by excessive involvement in other activities)

·     Avoidance of any reminders of the person who has died (including refusal to attend the funeral)

·     Disengagement from responsibilities

·     Extreme mood swings 

·     Isolation 

·     Poor self-care

·     Use of alcohol or other drugs

·     Increased physical health problems

Sources of information and support

The Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement: www.grief.org.au

The National Association for Grief and Loss (NALAG): www.nalag.org.au