Changing Your Relationship With Unhelpful Thoughts
Do you find yourself getting caught up in your thoughts and letting them control how you behave?
This happens to all of us, and reflects our tendency to experience our thoughts as the truth, or facts. When we get this attached or ‘fused’ to our thoughts, they become a powerful force that dominates our choices and actions. This is particularly problematic when our thoughts are negative. Typically this involves labelling and judging ourselves, others and situations in a global, and unhelpful, way. For example, thoughts such as ‘I’m going to fail’, ‘they’re judging me’ or ‘I’m not good enough’.
While these thoughts are not problematic in themselves, when we get caught up in them and ‘buy into’ them, they can take control of our life and actions, and stop us from seeing other possibilities.
‘Cognitive defusion’ is all about recognising that thoughts are just thoughts. This does not mean that they cannot be emotional, factual or helpful. But viewing thoughts as simply images or words that pass through our mind allows us to see that they can only take on meaning or power if we let them. We don’t have to act on our thoughts, however compelling or urgent they may seem. Your thoughts do not have any power over you – it is your choice to engage with them, or ‘unhook’ from them.
A way of conceptualising this is to use your hands as a metaphor for your problematic thoughts. Place your hands in your lap, side-by-side with the palms facing upwards. Now bring your hands up to your face and cover your eyes so you can only catch glimpses of the world through your fingers. Notice how hard it is to see anything other than your hands (thoughts), how they dominate your view of the world and how cut-off you are from other inputs. This represents your fusion with your thoughts. Imagine how limiting it would be to walk around like this every day. Now, as you slowly return your hands to your lap notice how, as the distance between your eyes and hands/thoughts increases, you can take in more information and connect with your environment, enabling a choice of actions. This represents the defusion process. Note that your hands/thoughts are still there and available if they are needed, they are just not dominating your experience. You can take some space from your thoughts and consider other inputs, choices and actions.
Cognitive defusion is all about taking distance from, looking at and simply noticing your thoughts and thinking processes. This prevents you from getting caught up in your thoughts and allows you to make more objective decisions about how you would like to act.
Some ways to practice defusion
Do your unhelpful thoughts seem as powerful or painful after trying these?
1. Notice the thought
Take your thought and put the phrase “I’m having the thought that…” or “I notice I am having the thought that…” before it. For example, instead of saying “I’m worthless” say “I notice I am having the thought that I am worthless”. This creates some space between you and your thought and changes your relationship with the thought.
2. Say it differently
Take your thought and say it slowly or in a silly (e.g. chipmunk) voice.
3. Pop-up thoughts
Envisage your unhelpful thoughts as internet pop-up ads. Imagine closing the pop-up windows.
4. Thank your mind
When your mind presents you with a negative or painful thought, say “thank you mind”, perhaps even using a slightly sarcastic tone.
5. Mindful watching
Mindfulness (see the earlier blog on this) involves quietly observing your thoughts without judging them. Try doing this for a few minutes, noticing when you judge a thought or try to control your thoughts, and then gently bringing your attention back to observing your thoughts as they come and go. Imagining your thoughts as passing leaves on a stream, clouds floating past in the sky, or trains coming and going in a station can help you to focus on mindful watching without ‘fusing’ with the thoughts.
6. Passengers on the bus
Imagine you are driving a bus (your life journey) and your thoughts are passengers. Some of the passengers are lovely, but many of them are difficult and noisy, and even try to tell you how to drive the bus. You can try to control the passengers or argue with them, or you can realise that the passengers can’t make you do anything. You can focus on driving the bus towards your destination, stopping when and where you choose to.
