Why Is Worrying So Hard to Stop?
Many clients come to see me saying that their life is dominated by worrying. They often say, “I worry about everything”, whether that is work, school, relationships, friendships, money, their kids… or perhaps their future, their health, their body image…or everything in between. All of us worry at times, but for some it feels relentless and uncontrollable! The more they hear from friends and family “don’t worry, everything will be alright!” or “just chill out”, the worse they feel that no one seems to understand how hard it can be to stop.
Does this sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone! Current estimates from the Department of Health suggest approximately 2.3 million Australians are currently living with an anxiety disorder. That’s a lot of people doing a lot of worrying!
For some, learning some simple strategies to reduce their worrying can make a big difference in a short space of time. For others though, there can be deeper seated beliefs about worrying itself, and these can actually be a barrier to effectively finding a way to reduce it!
Positive Beliefs About Worry
It may sound strange, but a lot of people who feel their worrying is a problem also have positive beliefs that it is helpful to them in some way. And when you think about it, it makes sense that if something is perceived to be helpful, these people would be reluctant to give it up! Why don’t you ask yourself whether any of these ring true for you?
o Worrying prevents bad things from happening.
o Worrying motivates me to do better and make less mistakes.
o Worrying helps me to be prepared in case bad things happen.
o Worrying helps me to solve problems.
o Worrying helps me to remember things and stay on top of everything.
And these are just a few examples. The flip side of this, is that people often hold negative beliefs about worry too, i.e. that it is harmful to them, or beyond their control. The problem with these beliefs is that the more you worry about worrying, the more worried you become overall. You’re now not only worrying about the situation that first triggered the worry, but you’re worrying about the worry itself! Sounds exhausting right? Let’s see if any of these sound familiar?
Negative Beliefs About Worry
o Worrying damages my health.
o Worrying is out of my control – I just can’t help it!
o I’ll go crazy from worrying too much.
o Worrying will cause a heart attack
o Once I start worrying I can’t stop.
So, What Can You Do?
If you’ve identified that some of those positive or negative beliefs about worry are true for you, the good thing is there’s a few different things you could try!
1. Examine the evidence.
What is the evidence your belief is true? What is the evidence it might not be? Is there another way you could achieve the same result without worrying?
For example, if you believe worrying helps you to stay on top of things or perform better, try to recall times when your worrying was at its worst. What evidence do you really have that you were functioning to the best of your ability? Or is there actually more evidence you were distracted by worrying which made it harder to concentrate on anything?
Could you find more helpful ways to stay on top of things such as writing a list of all the tasks you need to do and ticking them off one by one?
2. Test out your beliefs.
If you’re unsure of what evidence there is to support or contradict your beliefs – test it out! Imagine you’re a scientist conducting an experiment and objectively see what happens!
For example, if you believe worrying prevents bad things from happening then try keeping a worry record to test this out. Identify some specific worries that bother you the most – for example getting fired, someone you love being in an accident, or doing badly on an assignment. Then on one day allow yourself to worry as much as you want about these things and record how many of them come true. The next day, each time you notice you are starting to worry, gently redirect your attention back to whatever task you are doing and really focus on the present moment. You can even tell yourself you’ll go back to worrying as much as you like the next day! Again, keep a record of how many of your worries come true. Keep alternating worry days with non-worry days. At the end of the week look back on what’s happened. If worrying is really a protective strategy you would expect to see that nothing bad happens the days you worry, but everything you fear comes true the days you don’t. If there’s no clear pattern, what could this mean about your belief?
You might then want to look at how many of your worries actually came true overall. Some research suggests as few as 10% of the things people are worried about actually happen. If you find similar results, what might this mean? How helpful is it to be consumed by inaccurate worries that don’t actually come true 90% of the time?
The same technique can also be used to test out any negative beliefs. if you believe you’ll go “crazy” from worrying, test it out! What does “crazy” mean to you? Set aside half an hour and worry as much as you can. Then observe what has happened? Have you actually gone “crazy” or are you just a bit more stressed than usual? What could this mean about your belief?
Once your positive and negative beliefs about worry itself start to shift or become less rigid, it’s likely you’ll have more success reducing it through other strategies. These may include: mindfulness, relaxation strategies, journaling, scheduling in worry time, identifying and challenging negative thinking patterns, or perhaps working out if there’s a problem within your control underlying the worry; and then figuring out how to actually solve it. Or maybe planning how to cope ahead if your worries were to come true, instead of just going around in circles fearing the worst!
Alternatively, you might take a different approach where you focus on identifying whether worrying moves you towards, or away, from the life you want to live and the person you want to be. You might observe whether trying to control the worry is actually increasing your struggle with it and thus your level of suffering. If this is the case you might work on simply observing the worries as they arise without judgment, before choosing to engage in valued activities anyway. This may allow you to build a rich and meaningful life without getting “hooked” by the worries as they inevitably pop up from time to time!
