The Power of Validation in Parenting
What is Validation?
Validation is a way of letting those around us know that we recognise what they are going through. It involves acknowledging that their experience is real to them, and understandable based upon the context of their lives or situation. It does not mean we necessarily agree or would feel the same way ourselves, but it does mean we demonstrate acceptance and respect for another’s perspective without judgment.
Validation can be a powerful tool in building connections, strengthening relationships, and helping others to feel supported and confident in being themselves. For children in particular, it can be critical to aiding their emotional awareness and capacity to express their feelings. If, instead of telling children to “stop having a tantrum”, or “you’ve no reason to be upset” we tried to understand their perspective and acknowledge we hear them (regardless of whether or not we agree!), there’s a stronger chance they will open up to us, and enable us to collaboratively solve problems with them instead of getting caught up in a power struggle, which often escalates any difficult feelings they are struggling to manage.
Why Is Validation So Hard?
All too often, when those we care about are experiencing overwhelming emotions it makes us uncomfortable too. When it comes to parenting this can be particularly true! Perhaps you don’t like seeing your child upset? Or maybe you feel their reaction is not appropriate? Or perhaps you simply think their thoughts or feelings are not justified? It’s common to jump straight into reassurance or trying to fix the problem, or perhaps offering advice. Or sometimes overtly dismissing their inner experiences by telling them to stop feeling or thinking a certain way. Many parents do this with the best of intentions, but what are the consequences to the way the child see themselves and their emotions, or to the shared relationship between you?
What is the Difference Between Validation and Other Ways of Responding?
Reassuring
Whilst reassuring seems like a nice thing to do, if you reassure without validating it can actually make people feel more alone and misunderstood. Have you ever tried to talk to a friend or partner about something and have them respond “Don’t worry, everything will be fine”? On the surface it seems supportive, but the reality is it often leaves us feeling they don’t get what we’re experiencing and can feel dismissive. How might it be different if they validated your experience instead? “I can hear you’re really worried about this. Tell me more about what’s bothering you?” Or even validated first and then reassured “It makes sense you’re really worried about this because it’s so important to you. At the same time, I really believe everything will be ok”.
Problem Solving and Advice Giving
If we try to problem solve too quickly it can leave the other person feeling like we don’t understand their pain or suffering. If something happened that you felt awful about and you told a friend, how would you feel if they jumped in with “Well next time you should do this instead”. Would you feel supported and understood, or perhaps judged and alone? How might that be different to if they validated your feelings by saying, “Oh it’s so disappointing things didn’t turn out like you hoped!”?
Dismissing Thoughts and Feelings
Has anyone ever said “Stop being so angry and calm down” to you when you’re really upset? Or “Stop worrying, that’s never going to happen”? How does that feel? For most of us, not great. If our thoughts and feelings are dismissed not only can we feel misunderstood and frustrated, but it can lead to beliefs that we shouldn’t think or feel the way we do, and by default that there must be something wrong with us. This can trigger other emotions like shame and guilt or can lower our self-esteem and make it very difficult for us to open up to others and let ourselves be vulnerable!
Parenting Validation in Action
With a Younger Child
If your child falls over and scrapes their knee it’s often not helpful to tell them “Stop crying, it’s only a tiny scrape!”. You may not feel it warrants the reaction they are having, but to them, it hurts, and that is why they are crying. If you tell them to stop, not only does it teach them expressing their feelings is bad, but it teaches them their feelings are wrong. It also teaches them they can’t rely on you for support when they’re suffering.
If instead you reply “I can see that really hurt you” with empathy instead of judgment, its likely they will recognise you understand what they are experiencing and will feel supported. This makes it more likely they will accept any subsequent reassurance or problem-solving to help move past it. For example, “Ow! That really hurt! Would you like a hug or a band-aid to help you feel better?”
With an Older Child
If your child doesn’t want to go to their swimming lesson and you’ve already paid for the term it’s probably not helpful to say, “You are going whether you like it or not-stop whinging and get in the car!”. Maybe the child will comply, maybe they won’t, but it’s likely they will feel angry and upset and there will be a consequence to how close to you they feel. Over time this pattern can make them feel more and more disconnected from telling you what they’re feeling.
Instead you could try “I can hear you really don’t want to go. Can you tell me why? “Oh, that makes sense. I can see why you would rather give it a miss if you you’re feeling like that. I wish I could say yes to skipping it today, but it’s really important to me that we go every week. Let’s see if we can figure out a way to make it easier for you to go today”.
With an Adolescent
If your teenager were to break-up with a partner they’d only been dating for a few weeks and was absolutely devastated it may be tempting to say “Why are you so upset, you barely knew them! You’ll soon meet someone new”. It may seem reassuring and logical to you, but they are in emotional pain. Logically trying to dismiss those emotions is unlikely to make them feel supported in that moment. Instead you could try “I can see you’re really devastated! Tell me more about what happened!”. If you can remain non-judgmental for the rest of the conversation whilst validating their experiences “Wow that really hurt you”… “I can hear how much you were hoping it would work out” there’s a good chance they will feel supported by you, connected to you, and will learn they can trust you to be there when they need it.
Validating Thoughts and Feelings not Behaviours
When using validation as a means of connecting with your child, it’s important to remember you can validate their internal experiences, without agreeing to the behaviours or actions that may follow. For example,
if your child feels anxious about going to school you can validate how hard that must be and how understandable it is they want to stay home, whilst still remaining firm that they need to attend.
If your child is angry, you can validate it makes sense they are upset and it’s ok to feel that way, whilst still making it clear that it’s not ok to yell or hit.
If your teenager is reluctant to do an important assignment and instead wants to play videogames or go on social media you can validate it’s understandable they would much rather be doing something fun, and at the same time maintain boundaries around only allowing them to do those things once homework is completed.
Self-Validation
A final thing to keep in mind when considering validation in the context of parenting is how important it is to validate yourself. Parenting is tough, and your child will not necessarily validate your experiences the same way you’re trying to validate theirs. In fact, there may be many times when they will demonstrate they do not think your way of thinking or feeling is valid. And that’s ok! It’s not their job as a child to validate you as a parent! Chances are, however, the more you validate them the more they will naturally have the opportunity to learn this skill and way of interacting and use it for themselves!
Telling yourself “It’s ok that I’m feeling frustrated this isn’t turning out the way I hoped” or “I’m trying my best right now and it’s understandable I’m exhausted” is an important act of self-compassion that will likely help you feel much better than beating yourself up each time things don’t go to plan! And just like with your children, validating your feelings doesn’t mean you have to act upon them! Parenting is hard work! It’s completely understandable there will be times you feel frustrated, hurt, angry, worried, or overwhelmed. Acknowledge it and validate what you feel in that moment. Then take a deep breath and choose how to respond effectively!
