'And' instead of 'But'

A healthy mind can hold two seemingly opposite ideas together. 

The world is quite strange and stressful at the moment. Most of us have probably experienced a huge range of emotions in the past weeks – fear, anger, pain, sadness, panic, grief, worry, gratitude, love, hope, nostalgia, joy… 

People have lost jobs and businesses, cancelled weddings, had babies without being able to have visitors, postponed holidays, walked empty supermarket aisles, maybe even lost friends or family members. 

People have supported their communities and health workers, received care from neighbours, spent more time with family, re-discovered old hobbies, become creative, reached out to those close to them, up-skilled and successfully taught themselves (in the space of a week!) how to exercise at home/cook with different ingredients/join a Zoom meeting/educate their kids.

We can sit in these two realities without them having to compete.

An underlying ‘symptom’ of mental health concerns, such as depression and anxiety, is distorted thinking. Common thinking “errors” (such as black and white thinking, all or nothing thinking, disqualifying the positive, etc.,) all demonstrate a difficulty with holding two different feelings or two different thoughts together.  

I often see people discount something negative with something positive (or vice-versa).

“I’ve taken a huge pay cut, but I’m thankful I’ve got a job”

“I’m sad I’ve had to cancel my wedding, but I know there are people dying”

“I love my kids, but they are driving me crazy”

“I’m really struggling with staying at home, but I know it’s best for the health system”

“I got to go for a walk today, but I wish I could’ve gone to the beach”

When we use the word “but” we either discount the other statement, or we make a judgement - making one feeling or experience less important and less valid than the other. When, in fact, both statements can co-exist in equal weight.

When we add “but…”, it is often an attempt at perspective-taking or gratitude (both healthy and essential coping mechanisms!). However, sometimes it doesn’t make us (or the person we’re speaking with) feel better. In times like these, we will feel disappointment and sadness and fear and anger. That’s okay! That’s okay even if the disruptions to our life seem to appear small or pale in comparison to the challenges of a global pandemic (in fact, almost everything will seem insignificant when compared to a global pandemic!).

“What resists, persists” – When we resist connecting (or allowing someone else to connect) with the deep feelings of disappointment or sadness or loss or anger, they often persist below the surface. Allowing these feelings to be acknowledged and validated can allow them to be processed more freely and helpfully. We can be more supportive to friends and our family and our children when we validate their experiences. 

I often invite clients to notice the “but” and replace it with an “and”. 

“I’ve had to take a huge pay cut, and I’m thankful I’ve got a job”

“I’m sad I’ve had to cancel my wedding, and I know there are people dying”

“I love my kids, and they are driving me crazy”

“I’m really struggling staying at home, and I know it’s best for the health system”

“I got to go for a walk today, and I wish I could’ve gone to the beach”

DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) has popularised this concept. A core part of DBT is recognising our ‘emotional mind’ (the part of our mind that sees things through the lens of feelings and emotions) and our ‘rational mind’ (the part of our mind that processes things through the lens of reason and logic). When our emotional mind and our rational mind work together (not separately), we can access our ‘wise mind’. Our wise mind can hold emotions and logic together; allowing us to ‘sit in’ the tension and messiness and beauty of life - mixed feelings, experiences, and situations. 

Notice how often we use the word “but”, both in our own self-talk, and when talking with others (particularly children). See if you can catch yourself, and replace it with an “and”. You (or your child, partner, friend, or colleague) might feel more heard and validated. You might find that it creates a much needed space of compassion for yourself and others.