Some Thoughts on Feelings

As a psychologist with training in CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy), a lot of time in session can be spend on Thoughts: what we’re thinking about ourselves, others, the world. However, it’s always worth spending some time on Feelings: what we notice in our body, and how we choose to label it.

I sometimes tell clients that it’s not feelings that are (necessarily) the problem, it’s our relationship with the feelings. 

What do I mean by that?

There are different types of feelings; ‘primary emotions’ and ‘secondary emotions’. Secondary emotions are the feelings that arise after an initial emotional reaction. For example – sometimes I’ve heard people describe feeling sadness or grief after a loss, and then feeling angry at themselves for feeling that sadness or grief.

Often what keeps us ‘stuck’ is the response we have to our feelings that we naturally might experience. We often respond with either suppression, or anger, or avoidance. 

Having a healthy relationship with feelings and emotions that come up is another way of functionally managing our mental health and wellbeing

Here’s some tips on how to have a healthy relationship with feelings:

Watch how we label feelings

I often hear people talk about ‘good’ feelings and ‘bad’ feelings. Usually, when we refer to ‘good’ feelings we mean things like happiness, gratitude, peace, and love. And often when we refer to ‘bad’ feelings we are talking about emotions like anger, pain, sadness, grief, regret, and shame. 

It can be quite easy to classify some feelings as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’, but some others are less clear – what do we do with anticipation, or nostalgia, or longing, or solitude?

The problem with rigidly labelling our feelings as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ is that we can begin to avoid the emotions that we call ‘bad’. And when we try to avoid certain feelings that make us feel ‘bad’, then our life might start to look a bit smaller. 

Avoidance is often a functional coping mechanism. Think about someone who just got food poisoning - it’s in their best interests in the future to avoid that the type of food they ate or the restaurant that served the food that made them sick. However, when it comes to feelings, it is a guarantee that we will feel emotions that we call ‘bad’ as we live life. It’s a ‘when not if’ situation. So avoidance of ‘bad’ feelings is very hard. It is very difficult to live a life as a human on planet Earth without experiencing loss, sadness, frustration, pain, regret, and embarrassment at some point. 

Avoidance of ‘bad’ feelings will probably feel good at first! But often these feelings catch up with us. Think about when you procrastinate for an exam for a subject that you find very stressful and challenging – by deciding that you can put off studying until tomorrow afternoon, you suddenly feel a surge of relief. But then tomorrow comes around and you might put off studying again – before you know it, the exam is today and you’ve either done nothing or crammed as much as you can in the past 24 hours, and you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, guilty, or angry. 

Maybe you start avoiding events with really large crowds (such as sports matches or festivals) because they make you anxious, and at first your life isn’t too impacted. However, perhaps then smaller crowds begin to seem pretty anxiety inducing, so you begin to avoid shopping centres and cinemas, then restaurants and cafes. Before you know it, you might be ordering your shopping online or declining every invitation from friends to socialise. 

Being able to tolerate and ‘sit with’ negative feelings can keep us living functional, fulfilling, and values-driven lives. 

We actually need the whole spectrum of our feelings, not just the ‘good’ ones. 

Feel feelings

Acceptance of feelings can only come if we recognise what we are feeling. Often we’re aware that we’re feeling something, but we’re not sure exactly what it is.

I sometimes work with people who find it very difficult to know what they are feeling. It’s can be surprisingly hard to do, and takes practice to get better at! Some ways to address this:

-        Use a ‘feelings chart’ or ‘feelings wheel’: There are lots that are available online after a quick google. Sometimes we don’t know what we’re feeling because our language around feelings is limited. This is particularly relevant for children! By looking at a list of feelings, sometimes we find it easier to describe what we’re feeling. Especially for children and adolescents, it can ease some of the frustration of trying to communicate what they are experiencing.

-        Think about what you know you don’t feel: When we feel really stuck with describing what we’re feeling, it can be helpful to name what we’re not feeling. For example, after a death of a friend or family member, we might know we’re not feeling the emotions of excitement and hope and playfulness. 

-        Sit for a bit: Sometimes we try to ‘rush’ feelings. Being able to identify a complex feeling immediately is not always possible, particularly when we are living very busy and hectic lives. It’s important to allow ourselves to take time to ‘check in’ with what we’re feeling in an unhurried way. This is where mindfulness or meditation can play a role. Or even just going somewhere without your phone, or giving yourself some time before bed with no work or Netflix!

-        Think about locations or sensations: if you’re not sure what emotional label to put on your feeling, use a physiological description, such as “shaky”, “cold”, “heavy”, “tingly”. If you can, locate where in your body you are feeling it such as “in my head/hands/feet/chest/stomach etc.”

Think about what they’re telling you

Think for a minute about physical pain. Physical pain is a very unpleasant experience – the more intense the pain, the more unpleasant it is. However, we need the experience of pain to learn what is safe and unsafe, to be able to take care of our body, to teach others, and stay well.

There are documented cases of people who can’t feel physical pain, and rather than life being blissful, it is actually surprisingly difficult. Think about a young child who can’t feel pain – they might  touch the oven when it’s on and won’t flinch away from the heat and so will probably burn their skin. They will trip over and break their hand but won’t realise immediately how serious the fall was, until they notice swelling or bruising. They might be dehydrated but not know it because they won’t notice a headache in the same way that we would. 

It can be similar with emotional pain. Despite how uncomfortable it is, emotional pain can teach us when a situation or event didn’t sit well with us. It can help us decide which relationships are worth pursuing or not. It can teach us to act differently in certain situations. It can remind us what things to avoid (within reason!).  

I often encourage clients to think about the ‘job’ of emotions. And to think about what their emotions are ‘telling them’. 

Love tells us when we care for someone. Excitement tells us when we are looking forward to something. Guilt tells us when we might want to make a shift in our behaviour. Shame tells us when we might need to apologise. Anger tells us when we might need to protect ourselves or someone we care for. Pain tells us that something mattered to us. Fear tells us when to be careful and cautious. 

Every emotion has a purpose, and when we tune in to our feelings and consider what they might be alerting us to, we might find that we have a better relationship with our feelings, and live more fulfilling and rich lives. Notice I say a ‘fulfilling’ life, not necessarily a ‘good’ or ‘happy’ life.

Lastly, it goes without saying that if you’re feeling consistently ‘bad’ or noticing an increase in emotions that are heavy, or get in the way of life – then definitely seek help! Whilst it’s helpful to tolerate ‘bad’ emotions, we also want to live in a way that promotes ‘good’ emotions also!