Effective Goal-Setting
Setting goals in life is one of those things that seems so easy on the surface yet is actually really hard to do. Especially if you don’t have the right knowledge or mindset on how to do it effectively. Many people find themselves caught in a trap of setting endless goals, working towards them for a few days or weeks, then beating themselves up for “failing” to achieve what they set out to do. Others feel like they’re doing all they can but the results never seem to eventuate. For others, it can be so overwhelming to even know where to start they keep on promising themselves they’ll get started tomorrow, or next week, or when life gets a bit easier. Yet that day never seems to come! Other people have an idea of where they want to go in life, but not enough clarity or confidence to truly set things in motion!
All of these challenges are really common, and at the same time can be really frustrating. Often, as humans we get stuck in a pattern of beating ourselves up for feeling like we “should be” achieving certain things, yet feel incapable or unmotivated to do so, which leads to a sense of hopelessness or decreased confidence and motivation.
If you feel stuck, it can be really helpful to take some time to reflect and ask yourself what is truly standing in the way. Yes, things like lack of clarity, motivation, energy, time, confidence etc, can all play a part. But sometimes it runs deeper than that.
Often the answer is fear.
Setting goals often comes hand in hand with change. And change is uncomfortable and scary; even if it’s something we really want! We can experience fear of the discomfort that comes with challenging ourselves. Or fear of how things might be different and whether we will actually like it. Or fear of making a “wrong decision”. Or fear of failure and not being able to handle the pain of not succeeding or of being rejected. Or even fear of success, and the increased responsibility, expectations, or lifestyle that may come with that.
Fear often leaves us to stay exactly where we are. In our comfort zone; even if it’s miserable and not actually very comfortable at all! Or it can lead us to self-sabotage once we start working towards goals, making progress, and noticing things are starting to change.
If you’ve ever experienced any of these things you are not alone. And you are not a failure. With all these complicating factors it is pretty amazing when any of us successfully set and achieve goals! The good news is, that with some self-reflection and guidance the process can become a whole lot easier!
Practical tips for setting effective goals:
Clarify your own values. Separate out what you think you “should be” achieving, and work on finding out what truly matters to you! Who do you want to be? What do you want to stand for? How do you want to live your life? Having a greater understanding of this will drive you to strive for things that clearly add value and move you towards the life you want! This will naturally increase your motivation and commitment!
Make sure the goal is actually within your control. There’s nothing more frustrating or demotivating than working towards goals that keep getting derailed or blocked by factors outside your control. For example, “My goal is to get a new job”. “My goal is to lose 10kg” “My goal is to be in a committed relationship”. The problem with these goals is that there are so many other things that could influence the chance of you succeeding - perhaps it will take a while to find a job that’s suitable, or perhaps you will attend lots of interviews but will miss out to other candidates. Perhaps you will diet and exercise yet the scales won’t budge, or perhaps you will date a bunch of people but not find the connection you are hoping for.
One way to ensure goals are within your control is to set behavioural goals rather than outcome-based goals. Focus on your own behaviours and how you want to act, rather than focusing on specific outcomes. For example, instead of saying “I want to be less depressed” you could try something like “I want to commit to doing one pleasant activity each day ” or “I want to go for a mindful walk during my lunch break”. Hopefully these things will have a positive impact on your mood, but that outcome is a bonus, not the measure of whether or not you’ve succeeded! Increasing healthy behaviours often brings about the change we are looking for without the pressure or expectations that we “should” feel a certain way!
A concept in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is to avoid “dead person goals”! It’s often not that helpful for us to set goals that a dead person could do better than a living one. For example, “Argue less with my spouse about housework”, or “Eat less chocolate” or “Be less anxious”. A dead person never argues, eats chocolate, or feels anxiety! To be alive and full of vitality we often need to strive for things we DO want to do! When we set goals about things we don’t want to do or things we want to get rid of, we often struggle to achieve them because our brains are not very motivated by NOT doing things or by cutting things out of our life. Or we lack clarity around how to NOT do them! We might also be trying to get rid of things that are actually impossible to eliminate, like the feeling of anxiety, which is a normal human emotion! If you notice yourself doing this, try switching it around to think of what you would be doing instead. E.g. “ I want to make time to calmly discuss with my spouse how we can collaboratively divide chores in a way that’s fair” or “ I want to pre-prepare healthy snacks for each day this week” or “I want to learn strategies to help me cope when anxiety shows up”.
Turn your goals into SMART goals! Make sure they are:
Specific (break things down, have sufficient clarity, and enough detail)
Measurable (make sure it can be evaluated and quantified)
Achievable (make sure it’s challenging but possible and within your capabilities/skill)
Realistic/Relevant (make sure it’s in-line with your resources and meaningful to you)
Time-Bound (set a specific deadline to check in and evaluate).
For example, instead of “ I want to get healthier” you might try “I want to walk for 30 minutes 3 x a week for the next 2 weeks”. Instead of “ I want to be less anxious” you might try “ I want to practice controlled breathing for 5 minutes as soon as I wake up for the next 3 days”. Instead of “I want to get more sleep” you might try “ I want to be in bed with lights off by 10pm every night for a week”.
Once that deadline arrives, it’s a great opportunity to evaluate how you went! If you achieved your goal, fantastic! Reflect on the accomplishment, give yourself some praise, and use it as an opportunity to decide how you want to continue moving forward. Perhaps setting a new deadline to stick with the behaviour, or even adding another behaviour or ramping it up if that seems achievable and relevant! If for any reason you didn’t meet the goal, reflect on what got in the way, and use it as a chance to problem solve before trying again! FAIL can be thoughts of as meaning “First Attempt in Learning”!
6. Working within the framework of SMART goals it is often helpful to start small. Every big goal we achieve is a result of lots of small actions. Allow yourself the best chance of succeeding by breaking things down! This can boost motivation and a sense of accomplishment, increase your confidence and self-esteem, and inspire you to believe in your capacity to change and achieve what you set out to do. This can then be used to help you gain momentum. So instead of setting a goal for months from now or 5-years-time, start with a goal for the next 24 hours, or 7 days and make sure it is something you feel confident you can stick to! Then keep on going! And if you get stuck, come back to asking yourself “What are my values here?” “What am I afraid of?” “What unhelpful thoughts are holding me back?” “ What uncomfortable emotions or experiences am I trying to avoid?” “What barriers are getting in my way?”. Let go of judgments, re-evaluate your expectations, remind yourself of why it’s important, and then set a SMART goal you know you can achieve for the next 24 hours to get yourself back on track!
