Do you know the stories you tell yourself?
Everyone has ‘off’ days. Everyone has moments or periods where they feel flat, sad, on edge, yuck/gross, disconnected, hopeless, guilty, or anxious. Often it’s not the mere presence of these feelings or experiences that contribute to mental health disorders, it’s the stories that our brain creates around these feelings.
Before we can work out if this story is true or false, helpful or unhelpful, workable or unworkable, we need to identify what the story is. Many different types of therapy (e.g. cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT)) rely on us firstly recognising these stories!
Sometimes these stories are so sneaky and pervasive that we don’t even realise our brain is telling them to us. It can be helpful to take a step back at times and ask ourselves ‘what is my brain telling me in this moment?’. Recognising the types and patterns to the stories we create can help us catch our brain in the act next time that it’s doing it.
Here’s a (non-exhaustive) list of ones I’ve commonly seen in the therapy room:
1. The “I must figure out why I am feeling this way” story
Often we can get to the bottom of why we are feeling a certain way. However, sometimes (even with lots of therapy and introspection!) we just can’t. A common story I often see is people working themselves into a fluster trying and trying and trying to come to a definite conclusion about why they are feeling something. If their brain doesn’t get a ‘good enough’ answer then this story becomes stronger and stronger!
2. The “I’m bad/silly/wrong for feeling this way” story
This story often happens if we don’t feel like we have a good enough reason (see above!) to feel the way we’re feeling. This story often comes about if we’ve been shamed for feeling something or shamed for expressing certain emotions in the past. This story may be more common for those of us who like to be independent, or who struggle with perfectionism, or who may experience lots of negative self-talk.
3. The “I shouldn’t feel this way” story
This story goes hand in hand with the one above. We may notice a feeling, but we chastise ourselves for experiencing it. We minimise the feeling or the circumstances surrounding it, and try to avoid noticing the feeling or expressing it. This story says that the emotion we’re noticing is useless, embarrassing, unjustified, or simply lasting too long. Maybe we tell ourselves that “someone else wouldn’t be feeling this”. This story has a knack for then making us start to experience guilt or frustration on top of the original feeling!
4. The “If only xyz had happened, then I wouldn’t feel this way” story
Otherwise known as the ‘should coulda woulda’ story. This story loves to go through the past with a fine tooth comb – trying to work out what could’ve been different, what we (or someone else) should’ve done to avoid this feeling. Often we project forward with this story too; thinking of all the things we will/won’t do to never feel this way again. Sometimes we may even project this story onto others, we try and problem solve their issues or offer advice about what we would’ve done when differently when they tell us what they’re feeling.
5. The “I can’t cope with this feeling” story
Also known as the “This feeling is too big” story. This story makes us think that feeling is in control of us, rather than the other way around. This story tells us that the feeling is so big and out of control that we are incapable of managing it, incapable of working with it, incapable of continuing on whilst it’s still around, incapable of doing anything that will change it. This story can also play out in ‘if then’ scenarios, such as ifxyz happens then “I won’t cope”. This story’s loves creating avoidance – because we start to see avoidance as the best (or only!) way to cope.
6. The “I don’t want to feel this way” story
This story can be sneaky – sometimes so sneaky that it presents as a “I don’t know what I’m feeling” story. Not knowing what I’m feeling – aka emotional numbing – is a great way to just not feel something. We may also just consciously try and suppress, ignore, or shift a feeling, or deny that it’s there. We may pretend to ourselves or those around us that we’re not feeling a certain way. Sometimes this story may create unhelpful actions that allow us to escape (such as through use of substances or other addictive/compulsive behaviours).
7. The “This feeling will never go away” story
Similar to #5, this story creates the illusion that a feeling is here to stay and not going anywhere. It may join forces with the “There’s nothing I can do to shift this feeling” story and the “That won’t work” story to create a sense of apathy, hopelessness, and frustration. This story can be so hard when it shows up, because it can take away our ability to think clearly, see the light at the end of the tunnel, reach out to others for help, or think that change is possible.
As you read the above – are there any stories that you recognise here, or any others that you’d add?
