Expectations

I invite you to reflect on the idea that expectations underlie a portion of our daily unhappiness. Recall times when you have felt angry, guilty, hurt, frustrated, fearful, shameful or disappointed, and then consider whether such feelings may be connected to your expectations.

Expectations can affect us in many different forms. For example, we have expectations of ourselves, expectations of others in our lives, and perceived expectations from others. We all have a wealth of expectations that are linked to our needs, wants, values, and beliefs. They create a vision of how we think things ‘should’ be.

Expectations of ourselves are often the most demanding, and may include things like working harder, being a better parent/partner/daughter/son/colleague, being more successful, achieving weight/health goals, being more efficient, being happier, or always being the best at something/exceling. Expectations of others can also be onerous and frustrating. You may expect your partner to do more around the house, spend less money, share parenting better, instinctively understand how you feel or your point of view, or be less distracted. Or there may be times when you expect your child to be more responsible, more polite, less distracted, more committed to their school work, or less drawn to gaming.

Of course our expectations are not always unhelpful. They can be realistic and form the basis for ideas, inspiration, striving and exceling. But they become problematic when we are no longer present, and are instead focused on how things (and others) “should” be, act and feel. When we tell ourselves that we “should” be doing something, we are highlighting that we are not doing it. When others do not measure up to our expectations, it creates friction and frustration.

If we can notice and identify the expectations we have for ourselves and for others, we can question whether these expectations are realistic and helpful for us, or whether they are interfering with our living in line with our values and functioning well. By becoming conscious of when we are holding ourselves or someone else to an unrealistic standard, then we can keep the expectations that are comfortable and congruent with ourselves, and adjust the expectations that are not serving us well.

Take a moment to reflect on some of your expectations, or ‘shoulds’. Are they realistic? Are they really important? Are they congruent with how you want to be for yourself and others? Have they been communicated openly with the other people/person? If you openly clarify your expectations of others, and theirs of you, this can help determine whether expectations are reasonable and acceptable, while improving relationships with others.

Communicating about expectations, and identifying and changing unrealistic expectations, can lead to an ability to appreciate what is good in our lives, and be able to be compassionate both towards ourselves, and towards others. Consequently, when we give our best, we can feel like our best is good enough, and we can focus on being present and behaving like the person we want to be. This can also be achieved by practicing acceptance. By simply observing your expectations and not (re)acting on them. How might it feel to let go of the ‘shoulds’ and judgements? How might this affect your relationship with others? Might you feel more present, like you are ‘good enough’ and less like your goals are always out of reach?

Consider whether you are letting uncommunicated and unreasonable expectations of yourself and others get in the way of behaving like the person you want to be, your relationships with others, acting effectively and living the life you want.

If so (and I doubt many of us could say we aren’t!), by identifying expectations that can help us to align with our purpose and values, we can adjust our expectations and actions to be more helpful, compassionate and congruent with ourselves. To do this, take some time to identify adjusted realistic expectations in domains of your life such as relationships, work/education, personal growth, health and leisure, guided by the following:

·       Are they based on how you want to behave, live and show up in the world - how you want to treat yourself, others and the world around you?

·       Are they focused on the present (not the future)?

·       Are they within your control?

·       Are they important? Do they really matter?

·       Can they serve as a guide to daily living?