DBT in Practice: GIVE and FAST Skills

As I wrote about in my last blog post, one of the major aims of DBT is deciding which different skills we can use to get our needs met effectively! Last post I wrote about the DEAR MAN skill in Interpersonal Effectiveness, which gives us an outline of how we can effectively assert our rights and values.

Today I want to talk about another two skills within the Interpersonal Effectiveness module – GIVE skills, which help us maintain relationships, and FAST skills, which help us maintain out self-respect.

The GIVE skill is really about helping us act in a way that maintains positive relationships, as often when we are highly emotional and wanting to get our needs met, we can act in ways which can detrimentally effect those around us, e.g. we can say or do things to hurt the person we are talking to when trying to get what we want.

GIVE stands for:

1.     Be Gentle:

Be nice and respectful, don’t:

a.     Attack - either verbally or physically, express anger directly and with words

b.     Threaten – don’t use manipulative statements or hidden threats. If you need to describe consequences for not getting what you want describe them calmly and without exaggerating. Tolerate a no.

c.     Judge – No moralising, no shoulds and shouldn’t’s, abandon blame

d.     Sneer – no smirking, eye rolling, cutting off and walking away

2.     (Act) Interested:

Listen and appear interested in the other person, listen to their point of view and maintain eye contact, don’t interrupt them. If they want to have the discussion another time be sensitive and patient.

3.     Validate:

With words and actions show you understand the other person’s feelings and thoughts about the situation, try and see it from their point of view and say or act on what you see, e.g. “I see this is hard for you…”

a.     Make sure you go to a private place to have this conversation if the person is uncomfortable speaking in a public place

4.     (Use an) Easy Manner:

Use a little humour, smile, leave your attitude at the door

Now the FAST skill is more for when we want to maintain our self-respect in any given situation, to make sure we aren’t getting what we want at the expense of how we feel about ourselves.

FAST stands for:

1.     Be Fair:

Be fair to yourself and the other person, validate your own feelings and wishes, as well as the other persons

2.     (No) Apologies:

Don’t over apologise! No apologies for being alive or even making a request, for having an opinion, or for disagreeing. No looking ashamed, eyes and head stay up.

3.     Stick to values:

Stick to your values, don’t sell out your values or integrity for reasons that aren’t VERY important. Stick to your guns and be clear on what you believe is the moral or valued way of thinking and acting!

4.     Be Truthful:

Don’t lie, don’t act helpless when you aren’t. Don’t exaggerate or make up excuses.

Now we have all three of these skills in our toolbox – DEAR MAN for helping us effectively assert our rights and wishes, GIVE for helping us act in a way that we maintain positive relationships and FAST for helping us act in ways to keep our self-respect – think about which skill is most appropriate for you in any given situation, or perhaps use all of the above!

Remember to practice and if you have any questions about how to use DEAR MAN best, ask your individual therapist for help.