What To Do Instead of Controlled Crying
Attachment theory has advanced significantly over the past decade, providing research that discounts many of the previously held views stemming from behaviourism.
The attitude that comforting a child in distress spoils them, reinforces the behaviour or creates a “rod for your own back” is just not supported by current research.
Being available, responsive and sensitive to your child’s emotions and needs, from birth, is what builds the foundation for secure attachment. Secure attachment is one of the most powerful gifts you can provide your child – setting the foundations for emotional, social and physical health and wellbeing into adulthood.
One controversial legacy of behaviourism is controlled crying. Still a topic to divide parents today, attachment theory provides important insights into the mechanisms involved in the process. Research shows that although controlled crying may “work” in terms of the outcome of reducing crying, cortisol remains high in “sleep trained” infants. This suggests that the underlying emotion hasn’t changed; the children just learn the futility of communicating their distress. In this way, what controlled crying teaches is – “There is no point in asking for help because it won’t arrive”. The distress remains, the underlying emotion remains, and an important lesson is learnt that they cannot rely on others for support.
Attachment theory provides an alternative approach to managing sleep difficulties, that protects the emotional wellbeing of your child, and your relationship:
· Babies are not designed to sleep well!
Our society has an obsession with babies and sleep, equating “good” babies with sleeping babies. This can create anxiety amongst parents, making them feel like they are doing something wrong if their babies aren’t sleeping. Babies pick up on the anxiety and distress of their parents, making sleep even harder to achieve. Check in with your expectations, and let go of unhelpful beliefs.
· Shift your focus from “Doing” to “Being”
Instead of making the aim to get your baby to sleep, use the lead up to bedtime to just be present. Watch them. Once he or she is calm, just take a moment to share the moment with them. Don’t try to do anything, just be calm and quiet together.
· Get to know your baby’s tired signs
This can take time and practice, but gives you valuable information to make sleep more likely. As you get better at noticing your baby’s early sleep signs, you have a greater opportunity to catch the window that is easiest for your baby to achieve sleep.
· Do what it takes to calm your baby
When your baby is having difficulty settling to sleep, it will be near impossible for them to fall asleep distressed. By calming your baby you are creating the conditions possible for them to sleep.
· Go with your gut
When you are trying new ways to help your baby sleep, check in with how it sits with you as a parent. If it feels wrong, trust that feeling. If your baby seems more distressed, listen and respond to them accordingly. Use and trust your intuition.
· Trust your baby
Babies’ sleep matures and develops as they do. There is no need to rush the process, especially when doing so creates stress for everyone involved.
· It’s never too late to focus on attachment!
If you are someone who has practiced controlled crying in the past, because it was the done thing, or because you were keen to try whatever you could to get some sleep, don’t beat yourself up! Blame and judgment never helped anyone become a better parent. Attachment is an ongoing process and is not set in stone. Ruptures can be repaired and security can be achieved.
