Valuing Yourself: Starting to Understand and Challenge Self Esteem

Simply put, self-esteem refers to our opinion of ourselves, and how much we value ourselves. Many people suffer from low self-esteem. Low self-esteem means we have an overall negative opinion of ourselves, and leads to ongoing unhappiness and dissatisfaction. 

The key word here is ‘opinion’. People with low self-esteem usually judge themselves harshly, and strongly believe that they are not good enough or flawed in some basic way. They often do not recognise that these beliefs or opinions about themselves are not facts.

Often it is the messages from those we value most (e.g. parents, siblings, peers, and teachers) that shape our self-esteem the most growing up. Sometimes people can work out that their low self-esteem has come from negative experiences in their early life, such as: 

·      Being bullied

·      Being criticised a lot as a child 

·      Not being able to live up to others’ standards 

·      Feeling like they didn’t fit in at home or school

Sometimes current life experiences can also lead to, or increase, low-esteem. For example: 

·      Feeling lonely

·      Not performing well at work or school

·      A relationship breakdown

·      Being treated badly by others

·      Depression or anxiety 

·      Chronic illness or disability

These types of experiences can lead people to reach negative conclusions about themselves, resulting in strong negative beliefs about themselves, such as being ‘worthless’, ‘not good enough’, ‘unlovable’ or ‘bad’. 

Low self-esteem can greatly impact how people live and feel because it can affect all areas of life. Some ways low self-esteem may impact life include:  

·      Negative feelings, such as sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger or shame

·      Difficulties with relationships, including not expecting to be respected, not standing up for themselves, excessively trying to please others, being very shy, or expressing anger towards others

·      Perfectionism, to compensate for perceived inferiority or inadequacy    

·      Being self-critical and blaming of themselves, and using negative words to describe themselves (e.g. ugly, stupid, not lovable)

·      Ignoring their positive qualities to focus on perceived weaknesses and faults

·      Believing that they are inferior to others

·      Fearing failure and so avoiding challenges or opportunities

·      Not being able to take credit for achievements or accept compliments

Does this sound like you? If so, it may seem like you can’t change the situation, but low self-esteem based on past experiences and relationships doesn’t have to be your future. Your own thoughts and opinions about yourself and the things that happen in your life probably influence your self-esteem the most. The good news is that these thoughts and opinions are something you can control, and working on changing these (although not easy) can help you develop a more accurate view of yourself, and healthier self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem allows you to value your qualities, while recognising and accepting your flaws.

Some steps towards healthy self-esteem

Be kind to yourself

Treat yourself like you would treat a good friend. Be kind, supportive, and understanding. Also, remember that everyone makes mistakes – in fact making mistakes is part of how we learn and improve.

Acknowledge your positive qualities

Try writing down all the positive things about yourself (big and small – e.g. I’m friendly, I’m funny, I’m a good cook, I love my pets, I’m creative, I can enjoy nature, I read a lot of books, I’m a thoughtful friend). Look out for your critical inner voice while you do this, and ask a trusted friend to help if you get stuck or have a look here for a list of positive attributes. Make an effort to notice these things about yourself every day, and mark them on your list.

Nobody’s perfect 

Including you! Make an effort to accept yourself, flaws and all.

Don’t compare yourself to others – you do you 

Recognise that everyone is different and has their own special qualities. Focus on your own goals and achievements. 

Question your negative ‘self-talk’

Make an effort to listen to your inner voice, and notice when you criticise yourself. Write down your negative self-evaluations when you notice them. Then think about whether the criticism is an opinion or fact, try and think of any objective evidence that the criticism is true or not (ask someone you trust to help if you get stuck), and look for other ways to view the situation. You may find that there are other, more realistic, ways to see yourself and situations.

Focus on the here-and-now

Notice when you are reliving past pains, and bring your mind and thoughts back to what you are doing in the present. Practice mindfulness.

Enjoy yourself 

Plan activities you enjoy (big and small) into every week.  Schedule them on a calendar or diary, and/or plan to do them with others, to make it more likely you will do them.

Get moving

Exercise regularly to boost your mood and help you to feel good about yourself. If you’re not used to exercising regularly, start small and build up your exercise. Exercise with others to keep motivated. 

Find your people

Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself, and avoid those who trigger your negative thoughts.

Try to practise these ideas as regularly as you can. Be kind to yourself about your progress as it takes time and effort to change the way you think, feel and behave, and to develop new habits. Be patient and persistent as you move towards healthy self-esteem.

Diets Don't Work

The science is well and truly in – diets don’t work! While going on a diet may give you results in the short-term, the change is both stressful for the body and unsustainable in the long-term.

If you are above the most healthy and comfortable weight for you, there is nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight. However, it is important you go about it in the right way – to look after your emotional and physical wellbeing and make changes that both work with your lifestyle, and are sustainable.

The number of fad diets and conflicting advice (because it’s a multimillion dollar industry!!) is so confusing it can be easy to be overwhelmed. If it was simply a matter of knowing about nutrition and exercise, there would not be as many people struggling with their weight today. There is much more to the picture, and that is where psychology can help.

Here are my seven top tips (backed by science) for achieving and maintaining your most healthy and comfortable weight:

1. Focus on Healthy Behaviours

Evidence shows that it is healthy behaviours, rather than the achievement of any particular weight, that determines optimal health. So set small goals that fit in to your lifestyle and are in line with your values. 

2. Every Body is Different

Genetics, metabolism, age, gender, hormones, blood chemicals, attitudes, beliefs, past behaviours, how we feel about ourselves and the amount of activity we do all influence our weight. And these variables affect everyone differently. Stop comparing yourself to others, and focus on accepting yourself and achieving the most healthy and comfortable weight for you.

3. Forget About Numbers

There are so many reasons why having a ‘goal weight’ is unhelpful. Aim for specific, individual and sustainable changes in behaviour instead, like increasing your activity or level of mindful eating.

4. Track Your Non-Hungry Eating

Some non-hungry eating is completely appropriate and normal. However for many people, eating in the absence of hunger can be a significant factor contributing to being above their most healthy and comfortable weight. Simply paying more attention to the reasons you are eating can be a powerful step forwards in changing your relationship with food and weight.

5. Ditch the Moral Dimension to Food

There is no such thing as ‘good’ food and ‘bad’ food. Thinking in those terms sets you up for the restrict/binge cycle, adds unnecessary emotional stress and destroys self-love. Instead, think about how your body uses food and work towards establishing what is the most appropriate eating pattern for you.

6. Savour Your Meals

As much as possible, try to sit down and eat your meals and snacks slowly and without distraction. Put your cutlery down between mouthfuls, and treat eating as an opportunity for mindfulness – relishing the sensory properties of your culinary experience!

7. Be Patient 

The journey towards achieving and maintaining your most healthy and comfortable weight can take time. Surround yourself with reliable sources of information, supportive people, and loads of self-compassion. 

If you’re struggling in your relationship with food and your body, a clinical psychologist can support you with the knowledge and skills to help.