Why Me?

A question I hear over and over from clients is “Why Me?”… “Why is everyone else happy and enjoying life and I’m not?”, “Why am I struggling so much when everyone else has everything together?”, “What’s wrong with me?!”.

First of all – you are not alone. I wish everyone could see inside everyone’s lives like I get to. An instagram feed is not a true reflection of what someone’s life really looks like! In Australia, it’s estimated that 45% of people will experience a mental health condition in their lifetime. That’s almost 1 in every 2 people! Inner worlds are often so different to the outer world we project to others. So comparing your inner world to the artificial and carefully curated outer worlds of those around you is not only unhelpful but entirely inaccurate. 

Secondly, you are not defective or broken because you are struggling emotionally. There are so many variables that can increase your vulnerability to mental illness, many of which are out of your control. I work with clients to understand the factors that may contribute to the development of their mental health difficulties. 

·     Genetics– Current research estimates that 50% of mental health difficulties can be attributed to genetic factors. This estimate varies depending on the specific disorder, and is likely to change as we understand more about epigenetics. Generally, a family history of mental illness means you may be more vulnerable.

·     Pregnancy, birth & early childhood– Maternal stress and diet, delivery, and your first months in the world all play a role in your vulnerability to mental illness. The availability and responsiveness of caregivers, environment and presence of traumatic events are all important to consider.

·     Life Experiences– As we experience the world, we form beliefs about ourselves, the world and our place in the world. These beliefs then act as filters, to influence memory, perception, attention and interpretation. Generally, negative experiences can lead to the development of negative beliefs, which can result in negative thought patterns, emotions and behaviours that can perpetuate and strengthen unhelpful belief structures. Negative beliefs about ourselves, our world and our place in the world are significant risk factors for developing mental illness. 

·     Personality– Personality style is a combination of genes and environment, and can influence thinking patterns, coping style, behaviours and relationships – all of which affect risk. 

·     Social Support– Having a good support system is an important protective factor. A sense of belonging and community forms a key role in our level of resilience. 

·     Self-Esteem– Beliefs, experiences and personality all affect our self-concept. Having low self-esteem is a another risk factor for mental illness.   

·     Lifestyle – Diet, exercise, sleep, physical health and how consistent our everyday life is with our values are all additional important factors. 

These are just some of the variables that play important roles in determining someone’s vulnerability to mental illness. Everyone’s loading on these factors varies, and the degree to which different variables impact on individuals also varies. They can also impact on each other in both negative and positive ways. 

I don’t share this information as a ticket to cash in a “victim mindset”, or to absolve all responsibility for mental health. Research shows that whilst 50% of our happiness may be due to genetic factors, and 10% to our life circumstances, 40% of our wellbeing is due to our own attitudes and actions. This includes where we focus our attention, our relationship to our beliefs, and our behaviour – over which we DO have control.

Understanding why you may be struggling emotionally can help to reduce self-blame and hopelessness. What is so encouraging is that there are many variables under our control that can help us manage mental illness and move towards wellness. Clinical psychology is all about providing a compassionate and non-judgmental space to help individuals understand why they may be suffering, and offering support and evidence-based techniques to move towards health.