6 Tips For Coping With A Break-Up
There are few that escape the devastating pain of heartbreak. Whether it is from experiencing such loss firsthand, or witnessing a loved one go through it – it can be one of the hardest life episodes to navigate.
Although there are few, if any, helpful ways to escape the pain, there are some steps to take to look after yourself in the event of a broken heart
1. Give permission to yourself to grieve.
Grief is an individual process that can look different for everyone. All emotions, of all intensities, are normal and acceptable. Judging yourself for feeling a certain way, creating expectations about how you “should” be coping and criticising yourself for being too sensitive are all so unhelpful and make an already difficult time more painful. Making space for your grief and having compassion for yourself in the process actually helps you move through the emotion more easily.
2. Focus on people and activities that bring you joy.
Even if you’re unlikely to enjoy things to the level you used to, it’s important to keep connected to friends and family, and schedule activities and tasks that have brought you a sense of enjoyment and fulfillment in the past. Giving in to that urge to stay in bed with a box of tissues and litres of ice cream may be easier, but in the long-term will keep you stuck.
3. Keep a balanced mindset.
After a break-up it can be easy to get swept up in your emotional mind and focus on all the positives about the relationship, romanticize your ex-partner, and catastrophise about being single for the rest of your life. This kind of thinking can make you vulnerable to giving a second chance to a partner who doesn’t deserve it, allowing mistreatment and lowering your threshold for acceptable behaviour in a relationship. Be honest with yourself… how much of the time were you truly happy in your relationship? If you create a picture of your ideal relationship, how did your partner’s behaviour and commitment measure up? What would your advice to a friend be if they were in a similar situation? These exercises are all about connecting with your rational mind, to avoid being pushed around by your emotions and making choices you later regret.
4. Use the opportunity to reflect.
If you could have your time again, what would you have done differently? What changes would you have made to the relationship? How can you use this information to make more helpful choices in the future? Every failed relationship is a step towards the right one, so use it as a learning opportunity towards your next relationship.
5. Self-care, self-care, self-care.
Go back to basics to reduce your vulnerability to being overwhelmed by your emotions. Get enough sleep, exercise, fuel your body and mind with healthy food and don’t overdo the alcohol.
6. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
As humans, we’re designed to depend on others in times of difficulty. Don’t feel like you have to “be strong” and just deal with it yourself. Connect with friends and family, and consider professional help if your pain is causing you too much distress and getting in the way of your life.
Talking To Your Teen About Suicide
I have a lot of parents contact me following a suicide, looking for guidance about how to best support their teenager cope with such a tragedy. The impact such an event has on family, friends, the school and local community is enormous. This can be a difficult conversation to have, so I’ve put together some talking points for navigating such an event.
1. There is No Right Way to Grieve
Some people might be very upset, some confused, some indifferent, and some unsettled. Everyone grieves in their own individual way. Common reactions include shock, disbelief, mood swings, guilt, anger and anxiety.
As everyone responds differently to grief, some individuals may want to talk about it, some may appear to be unaffected, some may withdraw and appear distant. All are normal responses.
2. Grief Has Its Own Timeline
It’s not uncommon for individuals to continue to experience ups and downs over weeks or months while dealing with grief.
Most young people going through grief do not require professional support. However, if you are concerned about ongoing difficulty in a young person’s mood, thoughts or behaviour, it’s important to seek additional support.
3. Start A Conversation About Suicide
Many parents worry that talking directly about suicide, or asking if their child has ever had thoughts about suicide might plant ideas – this is not the case.
Talk about how mental health conditions like depression, eating disorders and anxiety can make someone think that suicide is the only way out. Talk about how this is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and that there are effective treatment options available.
Ask your child if they have ever had thoughts of suicide.
Make it clear that you are always available to help and listen without judgment to any difficulties they may be having, and that they are never alone. Ask if there is anything you can do to make it easier for your teenager to talk to you about how they are feeling.
4. Be Available And Supportive
Encourage your young person to stay connected to friends and activities
Provide some information about the nature of grief
Validate how painful this must be for them, and allow them to take time to grieve
Let them know you are available and willing to talk openly and honestly about how they are feeling
Ask how you can best support them
Check in from time to time to ask how they’re feeling
Try and organise some fun activities to do together
Don’t try and minimise their experience by saying things like “It’s not that bad” or “It’s time to move on”.
Anticipate dates that might be particularly difficult (e.g. birthdays, anniversaries) and try and come up with a plan to manage them.
Explore ways of expressing grief that may resonate with your child – e.g. journaling, memorials, photos etc.
In summary, by understanding the nature of grief, having patience with the process, not being afraid to have difficult conversations and being available for your teenager, you will be meeting their needs as they go through a difficult time.
If you are concerned and think your young person may need additional support, you can:
1. Contact the Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800), Lifeline (13 11 14) or eHeadspace (eheadspace.org.au)
2. See your local GP
3. Talk to your School Counsellor
Grief and Loss
At some point in our lives we may experience losing someone close to us, or we may experience a challenging life event that can cause us to feel a sense of grief.
Grief is our response to loss. It is the normal, natural and inevitable response to loss, and it can affect every part of our life, including our thoughts, behaviours, beliefs, feelings, physical health and our relationships with others.
Grief is an individual experience
Everyone grieves in their own way. Your grief is unique to you, and as long as you are not causing harm to yourself or those around you, there are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ ways to grieve. We do not always know how people are grieving simply by what we see. Some people are open and expressive with their grief, crying, and wanting to talk, whilst others are more private, may be reluctant to talk and prefer to keep busy. Other factors, such as culture, gender and belief systems can also influence the ways that people grieve.
Life grows around grief
It is a common myth that people ‘get over’ grief. The reality is, a part of us will always grieve the loss of our loved one. With time, the pain will lessen, but the sorrow we feel will always be a part of us. When people grieve they are coming to terms with what has changed in their lives. There is no ‘return to normal’; rather, we have to learn to live around a new kind of normal –re-learning the world and re-learning ourselves within it
Strategies to help manage grief
• Keep a diary or journal.
• Create a memorial – do or make something to honour your loved one.
• Develop your own rituals, e.g. light a candle, listen to special music, make a special place to think.
• Allow yourself to express your thoughts and feelings privately. Write a letter or a poem, draw, collect photos, cry etc.
• Exercise – do something to use pent-up energy, e.g. walking, swimming, cycling, gardening.
• Do things that are relaxing and soothing.
• Some holistic or self-care ideas that may assist include meditation, distractions, relaxation and massage.
• To help with sleeplessness: exercise, limit alcohol and caffeine and try to maintain a routine, especially around bedtime.
• Sharing with other people can reduce the sense of isolation and loneliness that comes with grief.
• Allow people to help you; don’t be embarrassed to accept their help. You will be able to help someone else at another time. It is your turn now.
• Talk to family and friends; sharing memories and stories, thoughts and feelings can be comforting and strengthen your connection with your loved one.