Life With A Newborn
A friend who had a baby around the same time as me (that’s you Diana!) spoke of her ever-expanding heart, and that phrase so perfectly captured the last three months with my baby girl, Elsey. My heart has been stretched to feel many emotions, and all more intensely since she was born. Love, yes, but anxiety (am I doing this right?), panic (how can I possibly be responsible for this precious life?), awe (I can’t believe we created this perfect being!), doubt (can I do this?), joy (that smile!), worry (Is she too hot? Has she had enough milk? Is she too cold? Is that poo normal? What does that rash mean? Is she still breathing? Etc. etc. etc.). And here I was thinking “As soon as I’ve had this baby and it’s safe and healthy I can stop worrying”!!
Baby Elsey - Two Days Old
Amidst the relentless newborn dance of feed, burp, nappy, nappy, sleep, washing, feed, nappy, burp, washing and feeding/showering myself when I could, I was trying to wrap my head around the whole parenting business to give myself guiding principles. Here are the points I kept coming back to that helped me through this wonderful, life-changing, tiring, overwhelming and magical period.
DISCLAIMER: I am not an expert! I have been a parent for all of 14 weeks, and have an abnormally chilled baby.
· Look After Yourself: Happy Mum = Happy bub! Meeting your needs puts you in the best position to meet your baby’s needs. Sleep, nutrition, time away from the baby, being looked after, gentle exercise and general self care are all critical if you’re going to be able to meet the demands of newborn. Doing what it takes to make sure you have a smile on your face for your baby is worth it. Work out what that looks like – a solo walk, a snooze, chocolate, a bath, and make it a priority.
· Do What Works: You will read and be given so much conflicting advice. There is no one-size-fits-all approach, and all babies and family situations are different. As long as your baby is healthy and safe, find whatever way of looking after your baby works for you. Whether that’s demand-feeding, routine-feeding, co-sleeping or baby-wearing.
· Listen to Your Gut: When choosing what parenting approach to take, check in with your intuition. Does it feel right for you and your family? You know your baby better than anyone, and you have to listen to that little voice that knows best. Modern society and technology can disconnect us from our heart, and lead to doubt and low confidence. Trust in yourself and tap back in to your inner wisdom.
· Accept Help: Humans are not designed to bring up other humans alone, isolated from friends and family. Historically, new mothers had a village to rely on for support and guidance. Tap into your village – whether that’s family, friends, neighbours, a mother’s group, or hired help. This is in your best interests, and your baby’s best interests. People want to help, but often don’t know how. Tell people how they can best help, it makes things easier for everyone. And if you need a greater degree of support (with breastfeeding, settling, sleeping, mental health or adjustment), there is a wide range of excellent services available – have a chat to your GP about options. It is not weak to seek help, it takes courage to be vulnerable and take steps that ensure better wellbeing for everyone in the long-term.
· Be With: In between the feeding, sleeping, nappy changes and washing, take time to simply delight in your baby. Look into their eyes, massage their chubby little legs, tickle their toes. Smell that divine newborn scent. Lie next to them. Mirror their expressions. Tell them stories.
· Let Go: Of the ‘shoulds’, of your expectations, of the standards that you had for herself before becoming a parent and of the comparisons to other babies and mothers. Judgment, criticism, shame and guilt are so unhelpful and make an already challenging situation impossible. Practise self-compassion, acceptance and breathe. Trying to be the perfect parent is unhelpful for both you and your child. Prioritise what needs to get done and let go of other things. It’s not easy, but you can make it easier for yourself by being kind and having realistic expectations.