When A Psychologist Sees A Psychologist
Following the birth of my second baby, I was not in a good place. Jack was so different from my first baby - he seemed to feed every 1-2 hours day and night, he wouldn’t settle, I was constantly changing his nappies and he would just cry, and cry, and cry. I would find out when he was 5 weeks old that this was because he has cystic fibrosis, and the poor little guy couldn’t absorb the goodness of the breastmilk, so he was just hungry! Of course he couldn’t settle, of course he couldn’t sleep.
Meanwhile I spent 5 weeks blaming myself, breastfeeding and expressing around the clock, wondering how I could be doing this so wrong.. Especially as I’d already done it before!
Throw in epic sleep deprivation, the arrival of Covid-19 and an avalanche of negative thoughts that I’d ruined my first child’s life forever as I had no time or space to give her - I was a ball of tears, exhaustion and overwhelm.
The navy colour-coordination was accidental, and that smile is forced!
As a psychologist, I knew how important the early weeks, months and years are for a child’s development, so I knew that if I didn’t get myself right, not only would I suffer, but so would my relationship with my children, and ultimately their future selves.
So thankfully with the Medicare-funded Telehealth sessions in place, I reached out and found someone who specialised in the difficulties I was facing.
Ohhh being on the other side of the couch! I was nervous! I was skeptical. I felt guilty - shouldn’t I know all this stuff already?
Thank goodness I overcame my own ego and started therapy. Here are the main things I have learned from my journey so far:
It is actually helpful
This was almost a relief to arrive at this one. I mean, after 8 years of education and pouring my heart and soul into my work for 10 years, it feels good to realise that therapy works!
You need someone objective
I’d spoken openly to my husband, my friends and my family about how I was feeling, and they were amazing. But you need somebody outside of your circle, somebody you doesn’t know you as a wife/daughter/sister/friend. Who can be totally objective - not only in making sense of what’s going on for you, but also someone who you can listen to and potentially accept what they’re offering in a different way. Many things that my psychologist said to me I’m sure my husband had already tried to say… but it was much easier taking it on board from her! Maybe that’s a reflection of my stubbornness.
Emotions shut down your brain
Some of the things my psychologist pointed out seemed blindingly obvious once she’d shone a light on them. But given the state I was in, my brain was flooded with cortisol, my fight-flight response had taken over and I was absolutely depleted. I was not seeing things rationally, and I was not utilising the brain capacity I normally have available to navigate my life and the lives and paths of my clients.
It is worth the money
As with a lot of people throughout Covid, and being on maternity leave, my financial situation was not one of abundance. So I was hesitant to spend the money on therapy, and thought of all the other ways the money could potentially be better used. This was a very unnecessary barrier. Every session was worth every dollar.
It is worth the time
Between feeding, expressing, sterilising, washing, settling, burping, changing the nappies and playing with two under two as well as running my own business, I hardly had time to have a shower. And in fact that was not a daily event during this period. And oh yeah I also have a husband that has needs too! So trying to find the space to schedule an appointment in between all the demands placed on me was a challenge in itself. And of course there were the thoughts of what else I could be doing in that one hour that may be better value - sleeping? Meal preparation to get ahead? Cleaning? Nothing could have been better value. It was definitely worth the time, and, in fact, I should have had sessions more frequently.
Leaning on others makes you stronger not weaker
I carry this longstanding and entirely unhelpful belief that I should be able to cope with everything by myself. Not only is it actually counterproductive, but it is so false! We are not designed to be solo creatures! We have evolved to live within a community, to rely on and be supported by those around us. Every time I was able to loosen a grip on this belief and take a step towards support it helped me breathe easier and move forward faster.
Everyone should have therapy
I truly believe this. The power in objective reflection, in someone holding a mirror up to you and your life and your behaviours, and supporting you with the skills to make changes if your life is out of alignment is invaluable. And this doesn’t have to be formally with sessions with a psychologist (although this is an excellent way to acheive this goal). It can be through reflection, through some form of meditation or mindfulness practice, or whatever space you can access to connect with yourself in a deeper way. But whichever way you choose to do it - you must. As Plato said, “An unexamined life is not worth living”.
Perinatal Wellbeing
Having a baby is one of the most significant events in your lifetime. It affects so many areas of your life, your relationships, and your identity.
The challenges faced with the arrival of a new baby are seemingly endless - recovering from birth, breastfeeding, lack of sleep, feeling overemotional, coping with an unsettled baby, bonding with your baby, body image, managing priorities, managing advice from others, and relationship dynamics with your partner, friends and family.
Many women (too often) just brush off negative thoughts or feelings, putting them down to lack of sleep, hormones or 'baby blues'. Many feel pressure to live up to their initial expectations of parenthood, or how motherhood is portrayed in the media. This can be even more difficult when it appears that others are coping and managing. Sadly, many women perceive asking for help as a failure on their part.
The truth is, becoming parents and parenthood is harder for some than others for a whole range of reasons. It is not your fault. The earlier you seek help, the better. By looking after yourself first, you will be best placed to then nurture the needs of your baby and others, as well as giving yourself the opportunity to have an experience of parenthood which is as positive as it can be.
Here are some signs to look out for that may indicate you could benefit from professional support:
Based on material from the Centre of Perinatal Excellence - www.cope.org.au