Creating Healthy Boundaries

All people have needs to be loved, feel safe, supported and special. Sometimes when these needs aren’t been met, it may be because we have poor boundaries with those around us.

Signs that your boundaries around your personal relationships may need some adjustment include noticing a decline in your physical health (poor sleep, headaches) and mental health (increased stress, anxiety or low mood) when you think about or are around certain individuals.

Some signs that others may not be respecting your boundaries include:

• You feel constantly criticized and like you can’t do anything right
• The person is very focused on how your actions impact them rather than you or your well-being
• The other person may take no responsibility for their own actions, instead blaming others for their difficulties
• They may put you in positions where you are financially vulnerable
• They may repeatedly interrupt you at inappropriate times and expect you to drop everything for them (when you are at work or at night time whilst trying to sleep)

Here are four tips for developing healthy boundaries with those around you:

1)    Begin to recognize your own feelings, needs and wants in situations instead of considering other peoples needs or feelings first. Before you think about the other person or listen to feelings of guilt, ask yourself: What do I want in this situation? Often we have an intuitive gut reaction, that is often ignored when feelings like guilt or wanting to please others comes up.

2)    Create clear and firm boundaries and don’t reward people for crossing them. If you have told a friend that you cannot meet up this week, but they keep asking, don’t give in after the fourth time. If you do, it reinforces their behaviour (that if they keep asking and pushing your boundaries then you will eventually give in). Examples of setting boundaries may include only replying to text messages after work, restricting the frequency and amount of time you give someone or telling them that you will not tolerate any verbal abuse or criticism.

3)    Provide information on a ‘need to know’ basis only. If you are surrounded by people who gossip (e.g. a parent, co-worker or friend) then provide information on a ‘need to know’ basis only. Just because your friends or family tells you everything doesn’t mean you must reciprocate.

4)    Respect yourself. Setting aside deliberate time each week for yourself will remind you that you are worthy of love and care. Your needs are just as important as others.

If you have a past pattern with poor boundaries, people may be upset or angry with you when you start to look after yourself more.   When you feel distressed or guilty after setting a new boundary, remind yourself that discomfort is a normal part of setting new boundaries. It doesn’t mean you were wrong to set a boundary. This guilt will ease in time.  Setting healthy boundaries may actually improve your relationship with this person long term.