Sexual Intimacy Following Sexual Assault: A Guide for Couples

The experience of sexual assault or rape can be life shattering, leaving the person or people assaulted feeling scared, ashamed, alone, or plagued by flashbacks. The road to recovery from sexual trauma takes time, and the healing process can be extremely confronting and painful. However, the healing process can help to regain a sense of self-worth, trust and safety.

An experience of sexual assault or rape does not mean that the impacted individuals cannot go on to enjoy sexual intimacy in future. When one or both partners in a relationship have experienced rape or sexual assault, many couples go on to have fulfilling, joyful and intimate sexual relationships. Continue reading to learn more about negotiating sexual intimacy following sexual assault or rape.

Developing Sexual Intimacy

It is helpful to remember that developing sexual intimacy can be a challenge in any relationship. Helpful tools for building a satisfying sexual relationship include:

• Developing intimacy based on fun, arousal, love and lust instead of performance

• Appreciating, accepting and understanding sexual differences

• Being able to communicate openly about sex, both verbally and non-verbally

• Being assertive about your desires

• Being able to focus on your own pleasure

• Having accurate information about sex, and your own and your partners’ sexuality

Difficulties Impacting Development of Sexual Intimacy

Sexual assault can have a significant impact on people’s lives. When difficulties occur related to sexual intimacy, it is understandable that individuals may pinpoint historical sexual assault or rape as the underlying cause. There are, however, several other factors known to impact sexual intimacy that may be applicable:

• Stress

• Low self-esteem

• Self or externally imposed expectations of sex and/or gender

• Body image concerns

• Depression

• Sleep disturbances

• Medication

• Substance use

• Alcohol use

• Relationship difficulties

• Physical factors e.g. erectile dysfunction

After determining if difficulties related to sexual intimacy might be better explained by other factors, it is useful to identify difficulties that may be related to past rape or sexual assault. Experiences of child or adult sexual assault or rape can impact intimate relationships in some of these ways:

• Avoiding sex altogether

• Low sex drive

• Disengaging emotionally

• Difficulty trusting sexual partners

• Experiencing flashbacks or dissociating during sexual intimacy

• Difficulty becoming sexually aroused

• Difficulty achieving orgasm

• Restricting certain types of sexual activities

• Discomfort with touch in certain areas of the body

• Engaging in sex only with specific environmental factors in place e.g. lights off

• Feeling shame or guilt about particular fantasies

Sexual Assault and Ideas about Sexual Intimacy

Experiences of sexual assault or rape as a child or adult can lead to ideas about sexual intimacy that can be negative or unhelpful. These ideas can replace more positive ones that relate to sexual intimacy being an experience that two consenting adults can enjoy.

Sex as a result of sexual assault	Sex as an enjoyable experience between two consenting adults
Sex is an obligation	Sex is a choice
Sex is hurtful	Sex is nurturing
Sex is secretive	Sex is private
Sex has no limits	Sex has boundaries
Sex is deceitful	Sex is honest
Sex is exploitative	Sex is respectful
Sex is unsafe	Sex is safe
Sex is a commodity	Sex is part of who I am
Sex is power over someone	Sex is empowering
Sex is absence of communication	Sex involves communication
Sex is a condition for receiving love	Sex is an expression of love
Sex benefits one person	Sex is mutual
Sex is emotionally distant	Sex is intimate

Enhancing Sexual Intimacy Following Sexual Assault

If one partner is not aware that the other has experienced sexual assault or rape, enhancing sexual intimacy may be a challenge. In instances where the partner is aware of the sexual assault or rape, there are some useful things to keep in mind:

Key points for couples where one or both partners has experienced sexual assault or rape:

• Be aware that memories related to the assault or rape may reappear during sexual intimacy

• Scenarios that replicate the experience of the assault are likely to be extremely challenging

• Develop an awareness together of what are or might be sensitive or triggering scenarios e.g. places, positions, touches, sounds, smells

• Together slowly develop an understanding of:

  • How to talk about these topics with each other

  • Each partners’ wishes and desires
    
    

Key points for partners of people who have experienced sexual assault or rape:

• Increased emotional engagement and communication improves sexual intimacy

• At times you may feel unattractive or that you have done something wrong based on how your partner responds to sexual intimacy – take the time to reassure yourself that it is not about you

• Try to talk to your partner when you notice any difficulties arising. Offer a way of moving forward such as experimenting with intimate touch, without the focus being on sexual intercourse

• Be very clear about your own and your partners’ boundaries and limits. Everyone has a right to say “No” to things they are not comfortable with

• Understand that when your partner is sexually intimate with you they are stepping far out of their comfort zone - things will not always go smoothly

If you, your partner, or someone else you know is struggling following rape or a sexual assault, one of our experienced psychologists can support you through the healing process in a safe environment free from judgment.