Navigating the Teenage Years

The teenage years are a time of huge change and transformation. Biologically, socially, psychologically and behaviourally, your teenager may become unrecognisable as they undergo the transition from child to adult. 

It can be a time of confusion, frustration, conflict and overwhelm for parents as you try to navigate that balance between boundary-setting and giving some freedom, between control and encouraging independence. 

From my experience working with teens and their parents, here are my top tips that are effective in not only optimising compliance and minimizing conflict, but importantly protecting the relationship in the process. 

·     Give Space: (even if it’s the last thing you feel like doing!): Teenagers need to develop their own opinions and become their own people, in an environment where they have little control and are essentially powerless. They will try to take power and control wherever they can, and this is not about rejecting you or not wanting a relationship with you, it’s all about wanting to feel independent and in control of their lives. If your teen doesn’t want to talk, respect that, and let them know that you’re always available when they do. Before giving advice, ask your teen if they’re interested in hearing your opinion (and don’t be offended if they’re not). Most of the time, teens need to be listened to and validated, from parents who are available but not instructive. 

·     Reframe Self-Focus: It’s normal for teens to be self-focused, because of the stage of their brain development. As infuriating as it is, it’s not entirely their fault. All the cognitive skills they need to be helpful, empathetic and other-focused are all in the frontal lobes which are still developing. This doesn’t mean we just accept a selfish attitude, what it means is that we have to teachteens to develop their capacity for empathy. Because of their brain wiring this doesn’t come naturally. Just like it’s not age-appropriate to expect a toddler to be able to dress themselves, we can’t expect teens to be invested in others. Teens need help and guidance to develop these skills, rather than being criticised for not having them, which just makes them feel bad and impacts negatively upon the relationship. 

·     Think Collaboratively: To be effective with teens we often have to go against our instinct. Any threat to their independence is going to light a match for a bonfire. Be willing to compromise. Decide what things are that important to you that you won’t budge on (and deal with the fallout and/or impact on the relationship), and which things you are prepared to shift a little with, for the sake of compliance and protecting the relationship. Think carefully about where this threshold will lie, because if you set this too high (meaning you’re too strict) conflict could escalate, your teen may feel suffocated and act out more, and it could lead to a breakdown in your relationship. 

·     Change Your Attitude– Something most parents struggle with is the transition from treating their teen from a child to an adult. It’s important to start thinking about your teen not as a child you have control over, but as an independent adult. How do you speak differently or resolve conflict in your adult relationships? Why do you do it this way? What would happen if you spoke to your partner the way you speak to your teen? Part of the challenge in having a good relationship with your teen is starting to think about your relationship with your teen within the same boundaries and structures as you do with other important adults in your life. This is one of the big shifts to happen in teenage relationships. 

·     Dial Up The Love – Even if they may appear to reject affection, teens need a constant reminder of unconditional love and acceptance. Don’t hold back in telling them how much you love them, celebrating their strengths and showing your love in the most appropriate way to your teen. Adolescence is a rocky road, and it is the foundation of strong relationships with their parents that supports resilience, self-esteem and stability in teens. 

·     Read Between the Lines – It’s hard to do, but try not to pay too much attention to the words and actions that result from intense emotion. Instead, try to focus on the emotion behind the behaviour. What must be going on for your teen for them to act that way? Are they feeling invalidated? Has their independence been threatened? Are they feeling excluded? Trying to identify the emotion behind the action can help you understand where they’re coming from.

·     Take Care of Yourself – Parenting is one of the toughest jobs out there. Parenting a teen requires lots of patience and self-control. But you can’t pour from an empty cup, so make sure you’re looking after your needs first, so that you can be the kind of parent you need to be for your teen.