How to Think Assertively
Communicating assertively can lead to healthier relationships and feeling more in control of your decisions. Assertive communication can also help to promote your self-esteem through being able to tell others how you really think and feel in different situations. To help determine if you communicate more passively, aggressively or assertively, read the recent blog in this series titled ‘Passive, Assertive or Aggressive? How to Figure out Your Communication Style’.
Learning to communicate assertively after a long period of communicating passively is not easy. One of the main things that can stand in the way of communicating assertively is the way you think. Thoughts and beliefs are developed differently for everyone based life experiences. These experiences shape our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves, others and the world. For some people, these thoughts and beliefs may be predominantly passive in nature. To add to this, our parents, friends and partners can model passive communication to us, reinforcing passive thinking.
Some typical thinking styles for passive thinkers include:
If I say how I truly feel, others will not like me
If people respond to me with the answer “no”, they do not like me
I don’t want to burden others with my problems
My contributions aren’t as worthwhile as others’
It is unkind and rude to put my needs ahead of others’
People close to me should know what I am thinking or feeling without me telling them
If I express my feelings people may think I am weak, judge me or take advantage of me
It is embarrassing to share how I am feeling
If I am assertive I will upset others and jeopardise my relationships
Changing the way we think is the first important step to changing the way we communicate. If you notice yourself thinking in similar ways to those listed above, you may be more inclined to think passively. Thought challenging is a helpful way to begin to think more assertively.
Thought Challenging
Challenging passive thoughts when you notice them arise is a great first step in thinking more assertively. One helpful way to challenge your passive thoughts is to keep a thought diary. If you notice yourself in a situation where you have prioritised the rights of those around you above your own, or you have been passive in some other way, write it down.
Make a note of the following details:
What happened? Where was I when this happened? Who was there? What were we doing? Why? What day was it? What time of day? Describe the scene in as much detail as if you were describing it to somebody else. Remember to stick to facts only.
For example:
I was packing up my things at work at the end of the day on Friday.
A close friend called and asked if I would go and meet them for a drink because it had been a while since we last saw each other.
What were some of the thoughts you were having at the time?
For example:
“I’m so tired from this long busy week”
“I just wanted to go home and relax”
“Going out is the last thing I feel like doing”
“I’ll feel like I’m a bad friend if I don’t say yes”
“It has been a while since we caught up”
“They might get mad with me if I say no”
“I don’t have any excuse not to go”
What were some of the emotions you were experiencing at the time?
For example:
Exhausted
Annoyed
Guilty
Sad
Which thought is most strongly associated with emotion? Which emotions? How intense is the emotion out of 100?
For example:
“I’ll feel like I’m a bad friend if I don’t say yes”
Guilty – 80
Is this thought most likely to be passive, assertive, or aggressive? Why?
For example:
Passive because I feel like I have to do something I don’t want to do
What is some evidence for this thought you were having? Base this evidence on previous experiences, thoughts, or interactions
For example:
“I really haven’t seen them for a long time”
“I’m pretty sure they’ve been mad at me in the past for not meeting up”
“I’ve been so exhausted lately I haven’t been keeping in contact as much as I’d like”
“People don’t like it when you say no”
“They might be having a particularly rough time and need a friend”
What is some of the evidence against the thoughts you were having? Base this evidence on your previous experiences, thoughts or interactions. What might you tell a friend in the same situation?
For example:
“If I asked someone to meet me last minute I would understand if they couldn’t make it”
“I’m usually always available to meet”
“Not meeting up on one occasion doesn’t make me a bad friend”
“If it were something serious I would be able to tell”
“I always do my best to be the best friend I can be”
“I don’t always need to have an excuse to be able to say no”
“My needs are equally important as my friends’ needs”
What is a new more balanced way of looking at this passive thought, based on a combination of your evidence for and against? What would be a more assertive way of thinking?
For example:
“People don’t always like it when you say no, but my needs are equally as important as my friends’ needs”
“I’m not a bad friend just because I can’t meet up on this one occasion. It was a last minute invitation and they should understand if I say no”
How intense is the emotion associated with the new more balanced thought/s?
For example:
Guilt - 40
Remember – thought challenging takes practice and persistence. If you have thought in a passive way for many years, it is unlikely you will be able to change this thinking style overnight. However with practice, it is very achievable to do so. If you are finding it difficult to challenge your passive thinking, keep in mind these assertive rights as proposed by Manuel J. Smith in 1975:
Your Bill of Assertive Rights
1. You have the right to judge your own behaviours, thoughts and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.
2. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behaviour.
3. You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.
4. You have the right to change your mind.
5. You have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them.
6. You have the right to say, “I don’t know.”
7. You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.
8. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
9. You have the right to say, “I don’t understand.”
10. You have the right to say, “I don’t care.”
11. You have the right to say, “no.”
12. You have the right to do less then you are humanly capable of doing.
13. You have the right to take the time you need to respond.
14. You have the right to disagree with others regardless of their position or numbers.
15. You have the right to feel all of your emotions (including anger) and express them appropriately.
16. You have the right to ask questions.
17. You have the right to be treated with respect.
18. You have the right to ask for what you want.
19. You have the right to feel good about yourself, your actions and your life.
20. You have the right to exercise any and all of these rights, without feeling guilty.
Read later blogs in this series to learn how to behave more assertively, how to say “no”, how to deal with criticism and disappointment, and how to give and receive compliments.