How To Discuss Screen Usage With Your Teenager

Like many people, I recently watched ‘The Social Dilemma’ – a new documentary produced by Netflix examining the way that large social media and technology companies are manipulating our behaviour. It’s a pretty challenging two hours – most of us use our phones daily, if not hourly – for work, family, friends, socialising, shopping, organising, entertainment, planning, the list goes on. But the documentary provides some compelling reasons to consider reducing our exposure to the internet, particularly social media. It’s not the first documentary of it’s kind – there’s been a couple released over the past few years providing some thought provoking, at times scary, statistics. After finishing the documentary, I spent some time reflecting on my own social media and internet use – there are so many benefits to our phones, but I found it helpful to decide on what I was happy with and what I wanted to change. 

These are questions often asked by many clients – how is my phone or social media use affecting my wellbeing? Are there things I need to, or want to, change? And it’s a common question from many parents of young people – how do I get them to use their phone less? 

It can be pretty worrying as a parent when documentaries or reports come out suggesting the darker side to social media and phone use. It’s easy to feel helpless or confused - changing our own phone habits can seem difficult, let alone encouraging young people to do so. So how should you discuss this topic with your young person?

Acknowledge Change Takes Time

First, it’s helpful to recognise that change takes time, it doesn’t happen overnight. Psychologists often refer to the ‘Stages of Change’ model, which outlines the process we go through in order to make and sustain a behavioural change. The stages are 1. Pre-Contemplation (not even thinking about it!), 2. Contemplation (possibly considering a change). 3. Preparation (deciding on what changes to make), 4. Action (taking steps to make the change), 5. Maintenance (engaging in things which sustain the change), and possibly 6. Relapse. 

What this framework shows us is there are three important stages to go through before someone is able to actually take action! Notice that your teenager might be ‘pre-contemplative’ about changing their phone use – it’s not necessarily that they’re against it, they just haven’t considered it, or don’t considered it a problem yet. 

Express Concern To Your Teenager

When trying to help someone make a change, it can be pretty easy to just suggest or even mandate the new behaviour. Maybe you want to jump straight in and set new rules or boundaries regarding social media or phone us with your young person. However, this isn’t always the most effective strategy.

Most people, but particularly young people, respond better to suggestions when they can understand why it’s being suggested. We need a rationale. And sometimes facts and logic don’t cut it. Particularly some of the facts and figures regarding the impact of phone usage don’t always connect with young people – they personally don’t feel impacted by it. Work our what your feelings are in regards to the issue – do you feel worried, anxious, confused, frustrated, guilty, powerless, lost...? Try expressing these feelings first to your teenager – beginning conversations with feelings and questions, rather than directives help reduce defensiveness and perhaps might assist with moving them through the ‘stages of change’. Approach things with a curiosity – try to understand more about their phone usage (when, why, with who, how) before trying to change it. 

Develop A Plan With Them Not For Them

Try and develop a plan for change in collaboration with them. This will have to involve some compromise – for both you and your teenager. Ask lots of questions! Ask them what they think is an appropriate amount of time they need to use their phones for each day, or when might be a good time to reduce or shift phone usage. Ask them what they might struggle with about using their phone less. Ask them what they are willing or not willing to change and why. Demonstrate your own willingness to adapt by agreeing with as much as you can, and being open about your own expectations and boundaries. 

Often I suggest a trial period for the new rules – it can be hard to commit indefinitely to change, so suggest a 1-2 day ‘experiment’ or one week of your plan, and one week of your teenager’s plan before settling on the new behaviours or rules. This can be helpful in testing out assumptions about what will be ‘too hard’ or ‘impossible’. 

Have Things To Replace The Old Behaviour

Whenever we remove an action, an activity, a behaviour, or a coping mechanism, we need to have something to take its place. Before setting the new rules or guidelines, plan what to do instead of using your phone, device, or social media site. Sometimes being active helps distract us (being outdoors, running, swimming, taking the dog for a walk). Sometimes it’s helpful to have a good morning or evening routine involving a bath, face mask, listening to music, reading a book, having a good meal which makes us less likely to engage in automatic phone use. Maybe it’s easier to still do something on your phone, but avoid social media – perhaps it’s reading the news, watching a video, looking at old photos, face-timing a friend or family member. Find something that you can do when the impulse to check your phone kicks in. 

Set And Hold Boundaries

Once the plan is set, it’s going to take some reinforcing. Remember that your young person’s brain isn’t fully developed, particularly the all important frontal cortex which deals with emotional regulation, consequences, self-reflection, and planning. 

You’re going to need to hold the boundaries for them, with both flexibility and consistency. It can take a while to set a new habit, so have some compassion for the challenges, but remember that ‘giving in’ too early often means we don’t give ourselves enough time to adjust. Be clear with your young person in the planning stages how you’ll manage setting the new rules and boundaries. 

Focus On Rewarding Good Behaviour Not Punishing Bad Behaviour

Recognising and rewarding positive behaviour is often a better way to change patterns rather than punishing negative behaviour. Be on the look out for when your young person is managing well without their phone, or has been considerate, kind, thoughtful, funny, or helpful. Perhaps plan a reward with your young person for making a positive change. Also try not to pick up on mistakes or challenges early on. 

Demonstrate Changing Your Own Behaviour With Your Teenager

If you’re asking your young person to change their phone or social media use, it might also be a good idea to reflect on your own use. Are there ways that you can demonstrate commitment by changing your own behaviours? Could you charge your phone outside your bedroom at night, remove your email notifications on weekends, put your phone on silent during meals or social time? You might even ask your young person what they wish you did differently. Modelling coping with the difficulties of changing our behaviour is a great way to engage your young person and perhaps get some more ‘buy in’ to discussions around changing their behaviours. And you might even notice you feel better for it!