Loneliness: Feeling alone in feeling lonely?

Loneliness is a powerful feeling. And just like most human emotions, it is experienced by nearly all of us at some point in time. Even prior to COVID-19, according to the Australian Psychological Society’s 2018 survey, 1 in 4 people reported experiencing a current episode of loneliness. And yet it’s something that’s rarely talked about. It’s a feeling akin to shame which seems to cut to the core and elicit immense vulnerability when truly acknowledged. People often share they feel anxious or depressed, but what’s often not spoken about is that at the heart of this there is often a feeling of being lonely, disconnected from others, different, or separate in some way. Lacking in true meaningful connections. Perhaps the reason it’s so difficult to acknowledge the feeling of being lonely is that by its very nature most of us feel very alone when we’re experiencing it. Or perhaps there is a stigma attached to loneliness; a belief that if you’re lonely there is something wrong with you, that you lack the capacity to build relationships, or that others don’t want to be around you. These beliefs are often totally unfounded! When we take a step back, most of us can recognise that loneliness is a feeling, not a measure of how many friends you have. Some people who feel lonely are genuinely socially isolated, but for many, the feeling of loneliness can be just as intense when they’re surrounded by people.

Where does loneliness come from?

There’s no definitive answer to this question. Sometimes loneliness is a deep-seated feeling which relates to our earliest childhood experiences. Many people who have experienced childhood abuse, neglect, trauma, or experiences of being unloved will carry through very painful feelings that they are unwanted, unlovable, or different to others- which often correlates to feeling very alone as a teen or an adult- no matter how many people surround them. For others, the loneliness may come from feelings of being bullied or socially rejected, or from longstanding feelings of “not fitting in”. For others, the grief of losing somebody who matters at any stage in life can precipitate the onset of intense loneliness: feeling alone in a world with pain that strong, in combination with missing someone who was an important source of connection, support, or companionship.

Loneliness can also be linked to social anxiety or depression and can be very self-perpetuating due to the withdrawal or avoidance of social interactions which often accompanies them. For many it could be precipitated by other changes in life circumstances; and those who live alone, or who experience a separation or significant relationship breakdown are at particular risk of increased loneliness. Or it can simply be a gradual process whereby one day you become aware you have become distant from those around you; mentally, physically, or emotionally. I have sat with many individuals who are in relationships, or employed, or who report having families who love them; always surrounded by people yet feeling intensely alone on an emotional level. 

What is also sometimes overlooked is how we live in a world whereby it is easier than ever to connect with others through technology. For some who live alone or away from loved ones, or who have limited capacity to see people in person, this can be beneficial. The flipside, however, is that often the connections we have online lack the genuine authenticity that is necessary for true meaningful connectedness. And social media often elicits comparisons to others and feelings that we come up short. Or a pattern whereby our self-esteem is impacted by how many likes or comments we get. Whilst the many available social media platforms may seem like they bring us together, often the reverse is true, with the pressure to present an image of our best selves or comparisons with others driving feelings of loneliness and separation rather than feelings of closeness. And often the more we communicate via technology rather than in person, the less comfortable or necessary it feels to actually spend quality time with others. 

How to respond to loneliness

The best antidote to loneliness is connection.

And it’s not about quantity, it’s about quality. Feeling truly connected is a subjective feeling, but it often requires us to feel able to reveal our true authentic selves. To feel valued and accepted for who we are as an individual. To feel safe in the relationship.

It sounds obvious, but we often lose sight of how important this fundamental human need is. Connection to others serves a powerful evolutionary purpose in ensuring we are part of tribe; surrounded by those who are willing to step-up in times of stress, illness, danger, or need. Years of infant attachment research highlights how emotional connection is just as vital to our wellbeing as having our physical needs met. The desire to be truly close and connected to others is extremely powerful. And it doesn’t ever cease to matter. Ever. Healthy connections to others can be linked to mental and physical health throughout our entire lifespan!

So, if we feel lonely, the first step is to figure out where our loneliness is coming from? Is it an external problem that needs to be solved such as not having many people in our lives we want to connect to?

Or is it more that we are choosing to isolate ourselves or are holding ourselves back in some way when we are around others? Are there thoughts or beliefs getting in the way of us relaxing and being ourselves even with an abundance of more superficial connections? Are we driven by a fear of rejection rather than a belief that others will accept us as we are and will want to build intimacy with us? Or have we simply become so busy “doing” we are spending less time simply “being with” others? 

Whatever the reason, if you’re currently experiencing loneliness, the following ideas may be a place to start:

·      Allow yourself to observe the emotions that come up when you reflect on what it’s like to feel lonely. Approach this with curiosity rather than judgment. What messages are your feelings trying to tell you about what is currently happening in your life?

·      Reflect on what your needs really are. We all have different thresholds for proximity and intimacy with others. Some of us enjoy spending time alone. This is solitude, not loneliness. Whereas others might feel very alone unless physically in the presence of others. Is your loneliness related to feeling alone physically, or does it show up more when others are around through a sense of being different, misunderstood, judged, unaccepted, or unable to relax and be yourself? What does this tell you about what would be helpful for you?

·      Work on connection to yourself first. What really matters to you in this world? Who do you want to be? How do you want to live your life? The more you understand this, the better chance of connecting to others who have similar values, or of communicating your needs to those already in your life. 

·      Practice self-compassion and letting go of self-criticism and judgment. Working on being comfortable with who you are is often fundamental in learning how to be authentic in the presence of others too. For any of us, shame around who we are is often a massive barrier to connection.

·      When you feel ready to start reaching out to others, start small. Is there someone who matters to you that you would like to become closer to? Could you start with a message, work up to a phone call, and then meet for a catch up if feasible? Or could you start with initiating conversations or replying to messages you’ve been ignoring and work your way up in terms of the depth of the conversations and vulnerability required? Have you become distant from your partner? Fallen into the trap of seeing each other every day but never really connecting on a deeper level? Could you organise a date night where you agree to rediscover each other’s interests instead of talking about mundane tasks, or instead even start with small daily acts of connection such as an extra hug or kiss, putting down your phone when talking to them, doing something small but meaningful to demonstrate you care?

·      If the issue is a lack of friendships or relationships could you brainstorm ways to get around this and take a chance on meeting new people? Join a social club or team sport? Say yes to any invites that come your way instead of automatically thinking of reasons you can’t! Reach out to old contacts you have lost touch with? Volunteer for a cause that matters to you or explore any events in your local community? If you attend school or university could you smile at someone in your class, or sit next to someone different? Or if you have young kids, could you ask a fellow parent if they would like to organise a playdate? 

·      If feasible, consider getting a pet or spending time around animals. Whilst human connection is often vital, many people report significantly lower levels of loneliness when connecting with a non-human companion as a way to bridge the gap and experience some unconditional affection!

·      Reach out to professional helplines. If you feel alone and isolated there are a number of helplines such as Lifeline (13 11 14), Kids Helpline (1800 55 1500), Mensline (1300 78 99 78) and BeyondBlue (1300 22 46 36) that have trained individuals ready to listen.

·      If you are experiencing social anxiety or depression that significantly impacts your life and limits your ability to engage in interactions with others it might be worth considering professional support. Working on the thoughts, beliefs, behaviours, and physical symptoms that compound your difficulties can help you overcome any barriers! And building a connection with your therapist in a safe space can be a great way to become more comfortable with vulnerability, authenticity, and figuring out who you are, and what kind of people you would like in your life!

·      And perhaps, most importantly, remember you are never alone in feeling lonely.