Why We Worry So Much About What Others Think & What To Do About It
Personally and professionally I have experienced and seen firsthand how much we worry about what others think.
Unfortunately this is a necessary part of being human! I so wish I could tell you the secret to eliminating this fear, so that you could stop worrying about what other people think. To offer you a way of deleting the fears about how others are judging you and what you do in your life.
But it is just not possible.
Way back in our human history, this wiring in our brain was an important and in fact necessary part of our survival. Our brains have developed to become expert judging machines, in order to make sense of the huge amounts of information we are bombarded with on a daily basis. To sort through pieces of information, to categorise it, to remember what’s important, to shortcut mental effort and make living more automatic.
We are also wired to care about what others think.. because belonging and acceptance are important for us to survive. If your clan judged you, your behaviour and your contribution positively, then it ensured that you had access to the clan’s resources - like food, shelter, information and protection. Positive judgment meant that you belonged and were safe. If the clan judged you or your behaviour as negative, that meant that there was a risk you could be banished or even killed. A negative judgment back then meant rejection, which would deprive you of access to the clan’s resources, threatening your future survival. So there is a very good reason why it is wired into our DNA to judge (ourselves and others) and care about the judgment of others.
Add on to this the fact that experiences in our past that have involved negative judgment are stored entirely differently in the brain. This is our brain’s way of trying to protect us, to help us avoid any situation in the future that might cause us physical or emotional pain. What this can mean is that there is a red flag attached to any situation, any experience that has the potential to elicit judgment. This kind of supercharges our propensity to avoid risk, to stay stuck, to stop us stepping out of our comfort zone.
This means that not only does judgment hurt, but it can hurt A LOT. It can not only cripple us with distress, but it can alter what we do moving forwards… it can have a huge impact on how we show up, on our life decisions, and therefore the very architecture of how we choose to spend our time on this earth.
So, if we can’t stop our brains from judging, and if we can’t delete the fear of judgment, what can we do about it?
First of all it’s important to work out if there is a need to do anything about it. Fear of judgment only becomes an issue when it is getting in the way of stuff for you. When it is stopping you from being the kind of person you’d ultimately like to be, from working towards goals that are important to you, and from showing up in your life in a way that you’re going to be satisfied with when you’re 80 years old. It becomes a problem when fear is the one controlling your decisions and actions, rather than your true self, the person underneath the worry and emotions that has big dreams and a rich vision of what your life could look like.
Ask yourself this question: “If I could get rid of all fear, just delete it from my brain, along with all the worries about what other people would think…. What would I do differently?”
Any answer to that question apart from “nothing”, means you may benefit from learning how to respond differently when fear surfaces.
Here are some tips to get you started:
Be Aware
Bringing our conscious awareness to fear, to worries about judgment is an extraordinarily powerful step. To label something, to acknowledge it, means it is separate to us. It means that space, distance and choice become part of the picture - and places power back in our hands. Try to not only notice when your worries about what others think show up, but also when you are drawn into judging others (and yourself) too.
Helpful or Unhelpful?
Ask yourself - if I give my attention to this worry or judgment, if I spend time and energy focused on it.. Where does it get me? Does it help me towards my goals? Does it take me closer to or away from the things that matter from me? How will I feel?
Use Mindfulness
Mindfulness is one of the most powerful tools to help ‘unhook’ your mind from unhelpful places. With practice and time, you can get better at learning to let go of those thoughts, stories and fears so that they don’t control your behaviour.
Compassion, Compassion, Compassion
For yourself, and for others. You’re doing the best you can, other people are doing the best they can (even if it is entirely unworkable). Be patient with yourself and others, and hold the hand of the part of you that is wounded, that is scared, that is hurt. In fact, those people that are critical and judgmental of others are generally the ones that struggle the most. Tearing down others is a way of trying to make themselves feel better, an attempt to manage their own pain and sense of inferiority.
Take Action
Action is the best antidote to anxiety. Notice the fear, label the judgments, and make room for them as you continue to do those things that matter to you. Take your power back and walk towards the person you want to be and the life you want to build. You will be scared. You will be judged. But when the reward is the richness, depth and fulfillment of living your life on your terms, it can give you the courage to hold the inevitable difficulty and keep going.
Our judgment and the judgment of others is part of the human condition. And sadly, decisions and actions to try and avoid judgment lead us to a small life, a life that doesn’t even work to escape judgment. And if we pretend we don’t care about what others think, we end up becoming guarded. We end up putting our walls up, which prevents us from being vulnerable, from inviting true connection, authenticity and fulfillment. We can’t stop the pain associated with judgment, and as much as it hurts, that’s OK. It’s a sign that we’re human and that we care. Where we do have agency, is learning how to respond to it.. Choosing whether we let it assign us to the sidelines of our own life or bravely face it as we take the field.
