End of Year's Reflections
Before we know it, 2021 will be upon us (!!!). And along with Christmas leftovers and the cricket, the first few days of January inevitably bring talk of New Year’s Resolutions. I’ll acknowledge they can be divisive - you either love or hate the idea of a New Year’s Resolution.
For some, they can be hard to resist – the beginning of a new calendar combined with the hope and energy of summer and a time of holidays means that we feel like we’ve been given a ‘fresh start’ and want to make some changes. ‘New Year, New Me’ is the familar adage.
However, almost everyone can reflect back on failed resolutions of years past – to lose weight, give up a vice, spend less, run a marathon, procrastinate less, pick up a hobby, sleep better etc. By February the motivation to achieve these resolutions has often well and truly faded, and many instead resolve to never kid themselves by making resolutions again.
Personally, I fall into the former category. I love resolutions! This doesn’t mean I’ve always been successful, however – there have been many hits and even more misses. By the time December ends, I will have successfully kept up my resolution of weekly yoga for almost two years (albeit with some youtube creativity during lockdown). I’ve also read over and above my planned 12 books this year. However, I’ve been hopeless at my goal to floss regularly (apologies to my dentist), and still haven’t decluttered my wardrobe.
However, I’d like to spend some time on another yearly ‘R’ – reflections.
Each year, but for 2020 in particular, I think it’s important to pause and reflect on the 12 months that’s passed.
December is always a very busy month – school holidays, family events, shopping, celebrations, Christmas parties, food, work, decorations, etc. It can be tempting to rush through the last few weeks of the year and pin all our hopes on the next one.
However, reflecting on the past year can be a helpful way of gaining insight into ourselves, determining how we’d like to spend the next, and taking stock of things which impact us as individuals and those around us. Sometimes a better method of change can be starting with reflections rather than resolutions.
What did I want to get out of this year? What did I think it was going to hold?
Whether or not you made a resolution or plan at the beginning of the year, we inevitably have expectations. Perhaps we wanted to get a certain HSC or uni mark, get a promotion, travel to a particular place, expand our family, plan a wedding or milestone birthday, move house, see more or less of certain people, pick up a new skill… Sometimes these expectations are explicit – we are able to recognise we consciously held those expectations and we’ve even voiced them to others. Sometime we don’t realise we’ve held an expectation until it isn’t met, and we feel a rise of disappointment or resentment or sadness within us as it becomes apparent it won’t happen. Life is always unpredictable, but 2020 has especially impacted everyone’s ability to feel a sense of control and agency over their own lives and activities.
Looking back at the beginning of the year, what did you think it was going to be like? What were you planning, explicitly or implicitly? Did those things happen, why or why not? How have you managed the differences between expectation and reality? Are their things that happened or didn’t happy that you are particularly angry or sad about? Have you processed these things, or are they still impacting you?
What would I change about the past year? What would I do differently?
It’s okay to think about things we wished were different! Sometimes we feel the need to quickly move on from things which were sad, disappointing, or frustrating – after all, “keep calm and carry on” can be a pretty adaptive coping mechanism! However, letting ourselves feel these uncomfortable emotions – grief, loss, regret, shame, embarrassment, guilt, anger, pain – allows us to more fully engage in life. I think it’s totally fine to recognise the things we wished were different over the past year.
Being able to recognise and acknowledge our own mistakes is a part of this reflection. The old ‘Serenity Prayer’ comes to mind here – it’s about recognising things we can change and the things we can’t. Often we’re not in control of anything else other than our own decisions, reactions, and behaviours. How did you handle those disappointments, rejections, frustrations, or losses? What are some values or personal pursuits you’ve neglected? What are some ways you’ve let yourself down? With the benefit of hindsight now, what would you say to yourself 1,6, or 12 months ago?
What am I grateful for?
Gratitude lists has been demonstrated to have a positive impact on mental health and wellbeing. Australia doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving as a holiday, but finding time to reflect on the joys and blessings of life is important.
Many of us are conscious of ‘big’ gratitudes – health, family, friends, a job, food on the table. It can be helpful here to also allow yourself to think of the ‘small’ gratitudes – utilising skills of mindfulness and present-moment awareness can help us be considerate and conscious of moments that we are grateful for – even if it’s a good parking spot at the shops, a friendly waitress, a delicious meal, a good sleep, a nostalgic tune. Each time I return home in December I’m aiming to pause and appreciate the scent of my Christmas tree as a I step in the front door.
What am I proud of? What I have done well?
This is an important question, and for many people the hardest! There’s a template I sometimes given my clients which asks them to identify their strengths, unique skills and positive attributes. Almost every client I’ve given it to finds it a very challenging experience!
Australians find reflecting on their positive skills and attributes quite difficult – I think it’s a side-effect of ‘tall poppy syndrome’.
However, it’s important to be able to recognise our individual strengths and gifts. It’s important to reflect on moments that we’re proud of, and achievements we’ve worked hard to get. It’s important to remember challenges we’ve overcome and ways we’ve grown and adapted and changed.
For many of us, just making it through another day or week is an achievement!
When reflecting on these questions, I always get clients to be as specific as possible. Maybe instead of saying “I am helpful” or “I did okay at school”, think about who exactly you helped, or what subjects or assessments you did well at. All of us can think back to how we made it through and adapted to lockdown – whether coping with school, work, uni, isolation, loneliness, financial stress, or family life.
You might even ask someone else close to you how they would answer this question for you – what are they proud of you for? How have they seen you do something well?
Who has championed and celebrated me? Who I have championed and celebrated?
We all need a cheerleader! The ability for an individual of any age to have at least 1 (if not more) deep and respectful relationship is a significant contributor to wellbeing.
Who did you feel cared for by this year? Have you let them know? If not, how could you let them know (maybe do some research on Love Languages here, so that you can demonstrate your appreciation in a way they’ll ‘understand’). Who did you appreciate, admire, or even just get to know better? Who did you feel understood by – who really made you feel seen and heard?
You might also want to flip this question and think about the relationships which were hard work, or tense and fractured, or who you felt more distant from. Why was this the case? Is this the natural shifting of a relationship over time, or has something been left unsaid or unresolved? Have you spoken about this shift with that person? Is this a relationship dynamic you think is worth persevering through, or should you let the relationship go? What are you able to change?
Feel free to work through these questions on your own, with a close friend, or even with your Psychologist. And perhaps after all of that, you may (or may not!) want to resolve for something different in 2021!
