What to Say When Someone is Struggling
So everyone is doing it tough right now. I think we’ve read “We’re all in this together” enough times to accept that point.
Drought, bushfires, Covid-19, home schooling, isolation, an economic recession and rising unemployment has combined into a bubbling, messy, painful, uncertain and unpredictable mixture we’d all like to CTR+ALT+DEL.
And do you know what makes 2020 even tougher? That the regular, run-of-the-mill hard stuff that happens in life hasn’t been paused. You’d think the universe would have enough insight to say “I can see that the humans have enough to deal with this year. Let’s just hold off on the general difficulties until they can wrap their head around these mega life bombs.” Unfortunately, that hasn’t happened. We still have to deal with physical illness, mental illness, relationship conflict, relationship breakdown, loss, failure and the general gaps between our expectations/wants and reality. In fact, all these difficulties have only been heightened amidst the stress and uncertainty of our current context.
Dealing with my baby’s diagnosis of Cystic Fibrosis has been one of those bombshells for me. And I know plenty of other people who have had hardships unrelated to or directly due to coronavirus. I mean, isolation alone is stressful enough in itself, let alone a global pandemic.
Being at the receiving end of so much love and support, I was struck by how much of a difference loved ones can make. I also know that it can be SO hard to know how best to support someone going through a difficult time. You don’t want to say the wrong thing but you want to say something so you can be helpful and make a difference. It is so hard to watch loved ones in pain. You want to take the pain away. You want to wrap them up in love-scented bubble wrap so that nothing can hurt them and they are safe and happy and protected from any difficulty ever. But….. that’s not possible. Unfortunately life brings pain, and it can hurt.
So, if we can’t take away our loved ones’ pain, or protect them from hurt, what can we do? You know who answers this question really well? Guy Sebastian. His latest song – “Standing With You” articulates beautifully how you can best give your support to loved ones struggling. So, to summarise Dr Guy:
· Be there: Don’t shy away from talking to someone or making contact for fear of saying the wrong thing.
· Don’t think you need to be their therapist:
o You don’t need to change how they’re feeling (you can’t)
o You don’t need to say the “right” thing to make them feel better (there isn’t such a thing)
· Instead of asking “Is there anything I can do?” (Although that can be helpful, you’ll generally get a reply like “No thanks, I’m fine”), just DO:
o Drop off a meal
o Show up and take their kids out so they can have some alone time
o Go over and clean their bathroom
o Drop off (or order) a care package for them filled with things they love
· Send regular messages without expecting a reply (and tell them you don’t expect a reply). Some of the beautiful messages I received included:
o You are not alone and you don’t have to go through this alone, never forget that.
o You are so loved, so many people care about you.
o I know it feels like your life is over but you WILL feel differently
o I love you no matter what you look like/do/feel like.
o Or just go with Dr Guy and say “I’m standing with you”
· Encourage them to get professional help – they can start with their GP or call Lifeline. There are people (like me) who have studied for YEARS to learn how to help people manage their thoughts and feelings.
· Do ask them if they are having thoughts of suicide (and if they are – stay with them while you seek professional help).
· Keep checking in
· Give yourself permission to be imperfect
· Look after yourself first to be able to support others well
No you can’t change how someone’s feeling, or make things better with a magic wand. But walking beside someone in their season of difficulty is a pretty special gift that can be the difference between pain and suffering for someone.
