Managing Toddler Tantrums

Toddlers are little whirlwinds of emotion, sensitivity and curiousity, and thanks to their developing brains – are totally uncontained, unregulated and unable to control their impulses. 

Think of toddlers as all accelerator (big, intense emotions) with no brake (ability to manage these emotions, consider consequences, make good choices or shift their thinking).

As a parent, your whole life, effort and existence revolves around serving this little person. So it can be so easy to take tantrums personally – “I have sacrified everything for you, serve you meals six times a day, are the reason you are still alive, clean and healthy and you repay me by kicking me for slicing your sandwich the wrong way?!”; “Have a raised a sociopath? Why would my child smile while they go ahead and do the exact thing I just politely requested they not do?!”.

To help preserve your sanity, and provide you with some tools when you are completely bewildered by the shifting moods of your toddler, I’ve put together some steps to consider:

1.     REFRAME

• Understand their stage of development, rather than react to their age-appropriate behaviour as if they are our peers. Yes it is totally unacceptable for an adult to assault a waiter if they serve their drink in the wrong cup. However, it is NORMAL and EXPECTED for a toddler to be unable to regulate their emotions and behaviour. Their little brains are just not capable of this.

• Don’t take it personally – this behaviour does NOT mean your child doesn’t love or appreciate you. They do, more than you know.

• Challenging behaviours come from discomfort. 

2.     SHIFT YOUR EXPECTATIONS 

• You don’t need to change their emotion. You don’t need to prevent tantrums. You don’t need to keep them happy all the time. When your little one is having a tantrum, your role is to keep them safe, and wait for the storm to pass. Interfering, or getting triggered yourself often just intensifies the storm. 

3.    EXPLORE THE FUNCTION 

• There are different types of tantrums:

                                               i.     System breakdown (fatigue/hunger/overstimulation/constipation/sickness)

                                             ii.     Learning (pushing limits to see what happens in order to learn what they can do and make sense of the world). 

                                            iii.     Connection (sometimes children learn that the best way to get connection is through misbehaviour).

                                            iv.     Emotional release (sometimes tantrums are just a way of discharging stress from the body. These are much more likely to occur with ‘safe’ people – like caregivers, at home).

• Try and record when and where they are happening and what the trigger was. See if you can notice a pattern. Understanding the function can help address the behaviour more effectively, and set them up to succeed.

4.     BE WITH

• Your number one job in a tantrum (and in life) is to “be with” them in their emotion. Not change it, not try and reason with them or discipline them (the time for reasoning and learning comes later). Your child needs to feel heard, seen and understood. 

• Acknowledge what you think they may be feeling – validating their emotion. You want them to know you get their message.  

  • “You’re feeling frustrated. It’s so hard when you don’t get what you want isn’t it”.

  • “You’re disappointed that we had to leave.”

  • “You’re upset because that didn’t work out the way you wanted it to.”

  • “I know you’re not happy about it, but the answer is no.”

  • “I can see that this is hard for you.”

• Normalise and provide safety:

  • “It’s okay that you feel this way”

  • “You are safe. I love you.”

  •  “I’m here to help you”.

• Accept their emotion. This is my child’s emotion, it’s not about me – I can let it be. 

5.     HAVE FIRM, CONSISTENT LIMITS

• Try and respond the same way each time. By giving in to demands in the face of a tantrum every now and then, but saying no at other times, you’re actually making the behaviour more likely to occur in the future.

6.     STAY CALM

• This is so so hard when you’re activated and emotional yourself – especially when all you want is for someone to feed you 6 meals a day, bathe you, dress you and cuddle you!! – but it is so important. Work out a way of keeping your own emotions in check when you notice you’ve been triggered by your toddler’s tantrum. A few deep breaths, an affirming mantra, leaving the room for 5 minutes until your blood cools, smelling lavender oil or sucking on a lemon are just some of the strategies that might help. By all means rant and rave in your bedroom later and scream into a pillow – but be the duck on the pond with your legs furiously paddling underneath, out of sight.

7.     MODEL HEALTHY COPING

• Toddlers are sponges, and will mimic behaviours they see in the home, seemingly more of the ones you DON’T want them to pick up! The way you respond to them and others will become the framework they use to structure their own behavioural choices. NB: my husband has to remind me of this point ALL the time when I get upset because things haven’t gone my way. 

8.    BE BIGGER, STRONGER, WISER & KIND

• This line is straight out of attachment-informed research that emphasises the importance of providing loving and firm limits for your little one. They need a secure base for exploring and making sense of the world, and a safe haven to come back to. They need a parent, not a friend. You will upset your child. I find it helpful to constantly ask myself “What I am teaching you?”. Because if you are never saying no and attending to their every request in order to prevent a tantrum, you’re teaching them that they will always get their way, and that they can’t cope with difficult emotions. By “being with” them in their emotional storms you’re teaching them that feeling a full range of emotions is normal and healthy, that they can cope with them, and that they are loved and not alone with them. This is all about building resilience which is one of the most important skills to develop.

9.     LOOK AFTER YOURSELF

• Don’t expect to navigate this extremely challenging period perfectly. It is not possible. You are constantly learning, so give yourself the space to work out how you can parent a strong-willed dictator. If you’re not attending to your own needs and looking after your own mental health, it is impossible to look after anyone else. Expect to make mistakes, expect to lose it at times, and make self-compassion a non-negotiable. Some parents find it very helpful to seek their own therapy to understand why certain behaviours within their children press their buttons so intensely. This generally takes you back to your own childhood, allowing you to process how you were parented in order to tweak your ideal parenting approach.

Key Takeaways:

·      Toddler tantrums are a wonderful sign that your little one is developing as they should.

·      When the lightning strikes – keep your child safe while you wait for the storm to pass. 

·      Be with them in their emotion – acknowledge, normalise and accept it. Your job is to keep them safe, seen and heard.

·      Be calm, bigger, stronger, wiser & kind. And work out what you need to do in order to achieve that.

Parenting is so so tough! If you’re finding there is a gap between the parent you’d like to be, and how most of your days are going, firstly you are not alone, and secondly – there is help available! Seeing your GP for a referral to see a psychologist is one way to give yourself some extra support.