Managing Toddler Tantrums
Toddlers are little whirlwinds of emotion, sensitivity and curiousity, and thanks to their developing brains – are totally uncontained, unregulated and unable to control their impulses.
Think of toddlers as all accelerator (big, intense emotions) with no brake (ability to manage these emotions, consider consequences, make good choices or shift their thinking).
As a parent, your whole life, effort and existence revolves around serving this little person. So it can be so easy to take tantrums personally – “I have sacrified everything for you, serve you meals six times a day, are the reason you are still alive, clean and healthy and you repay me by kicking me for slicing your sandwich the wrong way?!”; “Have a raised a sociopath? Why would my child smile while they go ahead and do the exact thing I just politely requested they not do?!”.
To help preserve your sanity, and provide you with some tools when you are completely bewildered by the shifting moods of your toddler, I’ve put together some steps to consider:
1. REFRAME
Understand their stage of development, rather than react to their age-appropriate behaviour as if they are our peers. Yes it is totally unacceptable for an adult to assault a waiter if they serve their drink in the wrong cup. However, it is NORMAL and EXPECTED for a toddler to be unable to regulate their emotions and behaviour. Their little brains are just not capable of this.
Don’t take it personally – this behaviour does NOT mean your child doesn’t love or appreciate you. They do, more than you know.
Challenging behaviours come from discomfort.
2. SHIFT YOUR EXPECTATIONS
You don’t need to change their emotion. You don’t need to prevent tantrums. You don’t need to keep them happy all the time. When your little one is having a tantrum, your role is to keep them safe, and wait for the storm to pass. Interfering, or getting triggered yourself often just intensifies the storm.
3. EXPLORE THE FUNCTION
There are different types of tantrums:
i. System breakdown (fatigue/hunger/overstimulation/constipation/sickness)
ii. Learning (pushing limits to see what happens in order to learn what they can do and make sense of the world).
iii. Connection (sometimes children learn that the best way to get connection is through misbehaviour).
iv. Emotional release (sometimes tantrums are just a way of discharging stress from the body. These are much more likely to occur with ‘safe’ people – like caregivers, at home).
Try and record when and where they are happening and what the trigger was. See if you can notice a pattern. Understanding the function can help address the behaviour more effectively, and set them up to succeed.
4. BE WITH
Your number one job in a tantrum (and in life) is to “be with” them in their emotion. Not change it, not try and reason with them or discipline them (the time for reasoning and learning comes later). Your child needs to feel heard, seen and understood.
Acknowledge what you think they may be feeling – validating their emotion. You want them to know you get their message.
“You’re feeling frustrated. It’s so hard when you don’t get what you want isn’t it”.
“You’re disappointed that we had to leave.”
“You’re upset because that didn’t work out the way you wanted it to.”
“I know you’re not happy about it, but the answer is no.”
“I can see that this is hard for you.”
Normalise and provide safety:
“It’s okay that you feel this way”
“You are safe. I love you.”
“I’m here to help you”.
Accept their emotion. This is my child’s emotion, it’s not about me – I can let it be.
5. HAVE FIRM, CONSISTENT LIMITS
Try and respond the same way each time. By giving in to demands in the face of a tantrum every now and then, but saying no at other times, you’re actually making the behaviour more likely to occur in the future.
6. STAY CALM
This is so so hard when you’re activated and emotional yourself – especially when all you want is for someone to feed you 6 meals a day, bathe you, dress you and cuddle you!! – but it is so important. Work out a way of keeping your own emotions in check when you notice you’ve been triggered by your toddler’s tantrum. A few deep breaths, an affirming mantra, leaving the room for 5 minutes until your blood cools, smelling lavender oil or sucking on a lemon are just some of the strategies that might help. By all means rant and rave in your bedroom later and scream into a pillow – but be the duck on the pond with your legs furiously paddling underneath, out of sight.
7. MODEL HEALTHY COPING
Toddlers are sponges, and will mimic behaviours they see in the home, seemingly more of the ones you DON’T want them to pick up! The way you respond to them and others will become the framework they use to structure their own behavioural choices. NB: my husband has to remind me of this point ALL the time when I get upset because things haven’t gone my way.
8. BE BIGGER, STRONGER, WISER & KIND
This line is straight out of attachment-informed research that emphasises the importance of providing loving and firm limits for your little one. They need a secure base for exploring and making sense of the world, and a safe haven to come back to. They need a parent, not a friend. You will upset your child. I find it helpful to constantly ask myself “What I am teaching you?”. Because if you are never saying no and attending to their every request in order to prevent a tantrum, you’re teaching them that they will always get their way, and that they can’t cope with difficult emotions. By “being with” them in their emotional storms you’re teaching them that feeling a full range of emotions is normal and healthy, that they can cope with them, and that they are loved and not alone with them. This is all about building resilience which is one of the most important skills to develop.
9. LOOK AFTER YOURSELF
Don’t expect to navigate this extremely challenging period perfectly. It is not possible. You are constantly learning, so give yourself the space to work out how you can parent a strong-willed dictator. If you’re not attending to your own needs and looking after your own mental health, it is impossible to look after anyone else. Expect to make mistakes, expect to lose it at times, and make self-compassion a non-negotiable. Some parents find it very helpful to seek their own therapy to understand why certain behaviours within their children press their buttons so intensely. This generally takes you back to your own childhood, allowing you to process how you were parented in order to tweak your ideal parenting approach.
Key Takeaways:
· Toddler tantrums are a wonderful sign that your little one is developing as they should.
· When the lightning strikes – keep your child safe while you wait for the storm to pass.
· Be with them in their emotion – acknowledge, normalise and accept it. Your job is to keep them safe, seen and heard.
· Be calm, bigger, stronger, wiser & kind. And work out what you need to do in order to achieve that.
Parenting is so so tough! If you’re finding there is a gap between the parent you’d like to be, and how most of your days are going, firstly you are not alone, and secondly – there is help available! Seeing your GP for a referral to see a psychologist is one way to give yourself some extra support.
Adolescent Self-Harm - A Parent's Guide
Few things strike terror into the hearts of parents like discovering their child or adolescent is self-harming. I have sat with multiple parents who report they cannot understand why their child would do that to themselves. Does it mean they want to die? Does it mean they hate themselves? Does it mean they have a serious mental illness?
Sometimes yes, but often no.
Self-harm is reasonably common in Australian teenagers with as many as 17% of females and 12% of males between the ages of 15-19 reporting they have self-harmed at some point. Some may become aware of it, try it once and never again; whilst others will try it once and discover it serves a function for them and then repeatedly engage in it. Some teenagers regularly self-harm whereas others report only doing it occasionally.
Self-harm is sometimes referred to as Deliberate Self Harm (DSH), Parasuicidal behaviours, or Non-Suicidal Self-Injury (NSSI) depending on its nature. It is a non-specific psychiatric symptom that is sometimes associated with those experiencing depression, anxiety, eating disorders, developmental disorders, and borderline personality disorder; however, it can be engaged in by those with any mental illness, or by those without. This means that by itself, it is not an indicator of any one particular disorder. Mental health issues are certainly a risk factor for self-harm behaviours, and whilst statistics vary depending on whether individuals require medical treatment or emergency care, it is thought that as many as 50% of young people who self-harm would likely not actually meet full diagnostic criteria for a mental illness.
For many, self-harm is also not a sign that they are suicidal. In fact, it is often described as the opposite by many who engage in it: a way to actually help them live with the difficulties they are experiencing. If an individual is experiencing suicidal thoughts or plan it is crucial that they get appropriate help. Even in the absence of suicidal intent though, self-harm must still be taken seriously. It can have short and long-term medical consequences and is certainly an indication that there is something the individual is struggling with. The most common forms of self-harm include deliberately cutting, overdosing on medications, or burning oneself. Other methods including hitting or punching, hair-pulling, scratching or interfering with wound healing.
Why do teenagers self-harm?
Adolescents, and in fact many adults, self-harm for a variety of reasons. Research suggests that for many, self-harm serves as an emotion-regulation strategy. Meaning that it is a way of coping with difficult or overwhelming emotions that they are struggling to know how to manage. Similarly, others report doing it to distract from or suppress painful thoughts, memories or images. Sometimes people report doing it to feel “something” when they otherwise feel numb, whereas for others they report doing it to feel “less” or to feel something “different”. Some people say the physical pain relieves the emotional pain, whereas others say it gives them a sense of control over the pain they are in. Some teenagers try it because their friends do and they are curious or want to fit in, and for others it may serve a function of self-punishment if they are experiencing intense shame or disgust towards themselves. For others it serves as a way of communicating their pain to others. At least half of young people who self-harm do not seek help though, meaning it is often done as a private way of self-soothing or regulating distress rather than as a way of eliciting a response from others. Whatever the function for the individual, it is usually in response to painful feelings or experiences of some description, and those who self-harm require compassion and empathy, not judgment.
Adolescence is a challenging time, with many developmental, hormonal, and psychosocial stages impacting a young person’s mental health and emotion-regulation capabilities. Common experiences which can trigger a young person’s distress include bullying, academic concerns or pressure, family or parental conflict, social concerns, relationship difficulties, low self-esteem, perfectionism, sexuality, gender identity concerns, body image concerns, and trauma.
What do I do if my teenager is self-harming?
· Firstly, take a deep breath and calm yourself before reacting. It is totally understandable you may be feeling shocked, scared, angry, sad or confused… and at the same time there’s a much greater chance you’ll be able to manage the situation effectively by being contagious with your own calm. If your teenager is already in emotional pain, adding your own intense emotions on top of whatever they are already feeling is unlikely to be helpful.
· This doesn’t mean you can’t share your concern; but try to do it with empathy and a non-judgmental approach to convey to them that you care about them and want to find a way to help. Many teenagers are very worried about their parents finding out about their self-harm for fear of judgment, criticism, invalidation, punishment, or shame.
· Approach it with compassionate curiosity and empathy rather than judgment. To you it may seem irrational to be hurting yourself when you’re already suffering, but to a lot of young people they perceive the self-harm to be helpful rather then harmful. Or at least that it provides immediate short-term benefits which outweigh any consequences or risk. Try to understand what function it serves for them rather than making assumptions.
· Remember, for most of us, whatever occurs in life we are doing the best we can at any given point in time. This doesn’t mean we can’t learn to do better or get help to do better if we’re struggling, but it does mean that if your teenager is self-harming, it is likely that it is the most effective way they currently have to help themselves cope.
· Many teenagers want to stop or reduce self-harming. What often holds them back is not knowing how to do this without giving up their most valuable coping-strategy. To take away their way of managing their distress without replacing it with something else can often increase their distress significantly. Once you understand the function, it’s possible you can help them try some alternative ways to meet the need they have.
· On the other hand, your teenager may not be ready or motivated to stop self-harming immediately. Or they may try to stop and yet be unable to cease it straight away. Try not to panic, blame, or shame them if this occurs. If it has been happening for a while it may take time to change these behaviours.
· Get support for yourself. Whether it’s a partner, friend, family member, or even professional help, this can be an extremely stressful situation to try to navigate. Ensuring you have people to support you whilst you try to support them can be invaluable.
· Get professional help for your teenager if you are concerned. For some teenagers, their parents knowing about either the self-harm itself, or the underlying pain they are in, can bring about a sense of relief they are no longer alone or needing to hide it. For others, their parents knowing fills them with dread, shame, or guilt which exacerbates their struggles. Your teenager may open up to you once they know you know, or alternatively they may clam up and refuse to talk about it. If you believe your teenager is experiencing mental health concerns or trouble coping in some way, it may be beneficial to get them professional assistance to help them work through their issues or learn healthier coping tools.
· Finally, try not to allow your mind to spiral you into panic. Self-harm is generally very treatable. Whilst it seems scary and naturally elicits a lot of concern, we deal with people on a daily basis that engage in self-harm. We have a number of evidence-based treatments we can discuss with you and your teenager that can help.
Kids and Bullying
It’s never okay to bully someone. Some think that name calling is okay and we should just shrug it off. However, I have had clients in their 70’s and 80’s vividly recalling names they were repeatedly called when they were children. These mean, nasty words can stick. When I was a child you could feel safe from the bully when you arrived home from school but that’s not the case today. In today’s world our kids are not only bullied in the playground but they’re bullied 24 hours a day via the internet and mobile phones.
There are four main types of bullying:
1. Verbal bullying - includes name calling, teasing, insults and intimidation
2. Physical bullying - includes pushing, hitting, tripping, pinching, and damaging or taking the victim’s belongings
3. Social bullying - includes spreading rumours, excluding the victim from peer groups, and playing nasty pranks on the victim
4. Cyber-bullying - uses the internet or mobile phones to harass or intimidate the victim. This includes sending nasty or threatening messages/emails, prank calling the victim, sending private messages/photos/emails of the victim to others, being deliberately ignored on social media, or posting mean or nasty comments or pictures on social media
Cyber-bullying is on the rise. A recent survey found that 1 in 10 Australia adolescents reported being cyber-bullied. This same survey found that 1 in 4 students had been bullied by their peers in one form or another.
As a parent I know how awful and powerless it feels to discover your child has been the victim of bullying. You can also feel guilty for not noticing that your child had been bullied earlier rather than finding out after the bullying had become well and truly entrenched.
If you notice your child suddenly becomes unwell on a frequent basis, is increasingly irritable, is reluctant to go to school, their grades have dropped, has changed friendship groups, has nightmares or trouble sleeping, or unexplained cuts and bruises, there’s a chance they may be being bullied. These signs may indicate another concern, so the first thing to do is to talk with your child. They may resist this as they feel embarrassed or uncomfortable but trust your instincts. If they won’t talk with you, talk with their school. If they do talk with you, listen calmly.
Reassure your child they haven’t done anything wrong. Notify their teacher so the school can take action to prevent it from occurring in the future. Discuss ways your child can avoid being bullied such as playing in a different area, staying near the teacher, avoiding being alone. Help your child come up with solutions rather than giving them the answer. This will help with their problem-solving skills and may create a sense of mastery over the situation. Help your child see the consequences for any action they take. For example, confronting a bully and calling them names make things worse, but telling the bully that what they doing is not okay may ease things. If bullying is happening online, contact the website administrators as most of them have anti-harassment policies.
Lastly, lets teach our children not to stand back and watch someone being bullied. Let the bully know that it is not okay to behave that way. When they see someone bullying another they can calmly say “that’s not cool” to the bully and invite the victim to play with them. Bullies often put down others in order to inflate their self-esteem. By taking away their sense of power, you have taken away their incentive to bully that person.
Our main priority should be to help our children feel safe and secure. Keeping a level head when you speak to your child will help reinforce they did the right thing by talking with you. It will also help reassure them they can come to you in the future with other problems.
Life With A Newborn
A friend who had a baby around the same time as me (that’s you Diana!) spoke of her ever-expanding heart, and that phrase so perfectly captured the last three months with my baby girl, Elsey. My heart has been stretched to feel many emotions, and all more intensely since she was born. Love, yes, but anxiety (am I doing this right?), panic (how can I possibly be responsible for this precious life?), awe (I can’t believe we created this perfect being!), doubt (can I do this?), joy (that smile!), worry (Is she too hot? Has she had enough milk? Is she too cold? Is that poo normal? What does that rash mean? Is she still breathing? Etc. etc. etc.). And here I was thinking “As soon as I’ve had this baby and it’s safe and healthy I can stop worrying”!!
Baby Elsey - Two Days Old
Amidst the relentless newborn dance of feed, burp, nappy, nappy, sleep, washing, feed, nappy, burp, washing and feeding/showering myself when I could, I was trying to wrap my head around the whole parenting business to give myself guiding principles. Here are the points I kept coming back to that helped me through this wonderful, life-changing, tiring, overwhelming and magical period.
DISCLAIMER: I am not an expert! I have been a parent for all of 14 weeks, and have an abnormally chilled baby.
· Look After Yourself: Happy Mum = Happy bub! Meeting your needs puts you in the best position to meet your baby’s needs. Sleep, nutrition, time away from the baby, being looked after, gentle exercise and general self care are all critical if you’re going to be able to meet the demands of newborn. Doing what it takes to make sure you have a smile on your face for your baby is worth it. Work out what that looks like – a solo walk, a snooze, chocolate, a bath, and make it a priority.
· Do What Works: You will read and be given so much conflicting advice. There is no one-size-fits-all approach, and all babies and family situations are different. As long as your baby is healthy and safe, find whatever way of looking after your baby works for you. Whether that’s demand-feeding, routine-feeding, co-sleeping or baby-wearing.
· Listen to Your Gut: When choosing what parenting approach to take, check in with your intuition. Does it feel right for you and your family? You know your baby better than anyone, and you have to listen to that little voice that knows best. Modern society and technology can disconnect us from our heart, and lead to doubt and low confidence. Trust in yourself and tap back in to your inner wisdom.
· Accept Help: Humans are not designed to bring up other humans alone, isolated from friends and family. Historically, new mothers had a village to rely on for support and guidance. Tap into your village – whether that’s family, friends, neighbours, a mother’s group, or hired help. This is in your best interests, and your baby’s best interests. People want to help, but often don’t know how. Tell people how they can best help, it makes things easier for everyone. And if you need a greater degree of support (with breastfeeding, settling, sleeping, mental health or adjustment), there is a wide range of excellent services available – have a chat to your GP about options. It is not weak to seek help, it takes courage to be vulnerable and take steps that ensure better wellbeing for everyone in the long-term.
· Be With: In between the feeding, sleeping, nappy changes and washing, take time to simply delight in your baby. Look into their eyes, massage their chubby little legs, tickle their toes. Smell that divine newborn scent. Lie next to them. Mirror their expressions. Tell them stories.
· Let Go: Of the ‘shoulds’, of your expectations, of the standards that you had for herself before becoming a parent and of the comparisons to other babies and mothers. Judgment, criticism, shame and guilt are so unhelpful and make an already challenging situation impossible. Practise self-compassion, acceptance and breathe. Trying to be the perfect parent is unhelpful for both you and your child. Prioritise what needs to get done and let go of other things. It’s not easy, but you can make it easier for yourself by being kind and having realistic expectations.
Helping Your Child Overcome Anxiety
Anxiety is one of the most common presentations we see in children. Other terms
used to describe anxiety are fear, nervousness and worries. Your child may be
scared of the dark or strange noises at night. They may be fearful of storms, spiders,
dogs or heights. They may be shy and feel anxious in social situations. They may be
worried about something bad happening and have a need to check things like the
locks on windows or doors. They may feel embarrassed when performing in front of
people, like delivering a speech or being on stage. Whatever the reason for your
child’s worries, there are several ways you can help them.
1. Help Them Stay Calm
When children are anxious, they may experience a number of physical symptoms.
These can include:
- Rapid heart rate
- Fast or shallow breathing
- Butterflies in the stomach
- nausea
- Feeling hot or sweaty
- blushing
- Feeling shaky
- Dizziness
- headaches
- Needing to go to the toilet
You can help your child by encouraging them to take slow, deep breaths. Counting
to 4 or 5 as they breathe in slowly through their nose and the same again as they
breathe out slowly through their mouths can help them calm down and reduce the
physical symptoms they are experiencing. Your child may need to do this for several
minutes until they begin to feel calm.
A relaxation exercise such as laying down and alternately tensing and relaxing their
muscles whilst imagining feeling relaxed and taking slow, deep breaths can also help
them feel calmer.
“Smiling Mind” is a free mindfulness meditation app that can be used with children to
help them relax and feel calm.
2. Encourage Them to Develop More Helpful Ways of Thinking
People who worry often make two thinking errors:
1. They overestimate the chance of something bad happening, and
2. They believe that if what they are worried about does happen, they will not be
able to cope with it. It will be ‘the end of the world’.
These thinking errors can affect how your child is feeling and what they do.
For example: your child hears a strange noise at night and thinks someone might be
trying to break into the house. They feel scared and may hide under their covers,
shaking, or come into your bedroom.
Thoughts -------> Feelings --------> Behaviour
You can assist your child to develop more helpful or realistic ways of thinking by
exploring alternative explanations.
For example: your child hears a strange noise at night. It might be a possum walking
on the roof, the neighbour’s cat or a tree branch brushing against the house on a
windy night. These more helpful thoughts can help your child feel calmer and they
may go back to sleep.
There are often plenty of alternative explanations that are likely to be more realistic.
Helping your child develop more helpful or realistic thoughts can help them stay
calm.
Helping them feel able to cope in certain situations is also important in managing
anxiety. For example, your child may worry about being late to school or making
mistakes in their schoolwork. They might worry about being in trouble with their
teacher. The belief is that they won’t be able to cope if they get in trouble. The reality
is often very different. Their teacher may be very understanding of the reason why
they were late to school and assist them in understanding mistakes made in their
schoolwork. Even if the teacher does comment about your child being late to school
or making a mistake in their schoolwork, it is not ‘the end of the world’ that your child
worries it will be.
3. Help Your Child Face Their Fear
Children who worry often avoid situations that they worry about. This may reduce
their anxiety in the short term, however, it strengthens their worry over the longer
term. Being able to face their fears gives them the opportunity to learn that the
situation isn’t as bad as they worry it will be, and that they can cope with it.
For example: your child may worry so much about giving a speech in class that they
avoid doing so. Encouraging them to experience giving speeches can help them feel
more confident and learn that nothing bad will happen to them. Often they worry that
the other children will laugh at them, the children won’t like their speech, or that they
will forget their words. The reality is often very different. No-one might laugh at them,
the other children might really like their speech and find it interesting, and they might
not forget their words. Even if someone does laugh or snigger, or they do forget
some of their words, it is not ‘the end of the world’. They can and do cope.
It is often helpful for children to learn to face their fears in a gradual way. An example
might be:
Step 1: Deliver the speech to Mum or Dad
Step 2: Deliver the speech to Mum, Dad and siblings
Step 3: Deliver the speech to grandparents
Step 4: Deliver the speech to a friend
Step 5: Deliver the speech to a small group of friends
Step 6: Deliver the speech to the teacher
Step 7: Deliver the speech to the class
The steps may be swapped around, depending on how difficult each step may be.
The idea is to start with the easiest step and build up to the hardest step. It can often
be helpful to repeat each step, until your child no longer feels anxious about doing
that step, and then move up to the next step. This step-by-step approach can be
used to help children face many of their fears. Depending on the steps and the goal
they are working towards, it is often helpful for children to stay in the step long
enough to experience their anxiety reduce, or vary the amount of time they stay in
each step to progressively longer amounts of time.
4. Reduce Attention to Worries
Focussing attention on worries often maintains the worry and can increase anxiety.
Helping children focus their attention on something else can assist in reducing their
anxiety. Imagine their worry is a plant and attention is like water. When we give
water to a plant, it grows and gets bigger. When we don’t water the plant, it shrivels
up and dies. When we give attention to worries, they get bigger. When we don’t give
attention to worries, they get smaller and, in some cases, they can disappear.
Encourage your child to think about happy or relaxing things. They might like to
recall a memory of a time when they felt really happy, like on their birthday or on a
family holiday. Help them recall that time in as much detail as they can by using their senses – What can they see? What can they hear? What can they smell? What can
they touch? What can they taste? This can help them focus their attention away from
their worries.
Doing an activity they enjoy can also take their attention away from their worries.
They might like to read a book, draw a picture, play their favourite game, jump on the
trampoline, or ride their bike. It is important that they think about the activity they are
doing, and not think about their worry whilst they are doing the activity.
5. Reward Your Child
It is often hard for children to overcome their worries and face their fears. Rewarding
examples of brave behaviour and their attempts to manage their worries can often
help with motivating them to try harder. These are some examples of rewards:
- Verbal praise
- using stickers or a point system that they can exchange for a tangible reward
- time spent together doing a fun activity
Children can also say positive words to themselves. For example: ‘That was hard,
but I did it!’ or ‘I did a great job’.
Managing Screentime
Children today are growing up in an unprecedented digital age. Certainly there are many advantages afforded by technology, but given our brains are hardwired to become addicted to such devices, unlimited access can be harmful.
Unsure about how best to navigate electronic device use for your children? Here are some top tips to harness the positives the advent of technology can provide, whilst limiting the adverse impacts.
Dr. Amanda Hale is the Principal Clinical Psychologist of a practice with locations in Killara and Bondi Junction in Sydney, Australia. She specialises in the assessment and treatment of young people, and is passionate about equipping children, adolescents and their parents with the skills to optimise wellbeing.