Radical Acceptance in the face of COVID-19
What is Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance is a powerful skill taught in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). It involves truly accepting reality as it is. This means completely accepting with your mind, your heart, and your body. It also involves letting go of the struggle, bitterness, and resentment that life is not the way you want it to be, that life is cruel or unfair, or that painful experiences shouldn’t have happened, or shouldn’t be happening right now. It is about letting go of judgments and attempts to control things you cannot control; and completely accepting things exactly the way they are in this moment.
Why is it important?
Radical acceptance is a really helpful skill in times of pain, uncertainty, loss, or grief. Without accepting reality as it is we, are essentially trapped with our pain, adding immense suffering on top of it. If we judge or deny reality, we often feel stuck and unable to let go of the idea things should be different. We cannot even begin to contemplate how to change things, or work with things, or how to manage the pain life has thrown our way.
Why is Radical Acceptance so hard?
Whilst it may sound like a good idea in theory, many people struggle with radical acceptance. This is often because there are misconceptions about what it involves. We often think of acceptance as meaning approval, or liking, or agreeing with something. When life is painful, that is understandably impossible for most of us to do! That’s why it’s important to note that that’s not what radical acceptance actually is, and that’s definitely not what we’re trying to do. It is about acknowledging the facts of the situation and accepting these facts of reality to be true: even if they are completely unwanted, and even if they cause immense pain!
People also sometimes get confused around what needs to be accepted. Whilst radical acceptance may involve non-judgmentally accepting the existence of our thoughts and feelings, it doesn’t involve accepting negative thoughts, interpretations, or beliefs to be true. For example, if you were to lose your job, you might need to radically accept the fact that you are no longer employed in that position in order to direct attention towards moving forwards, but you would NOT have to accept “I’ll never get another job” or “It’s because I’m terrible at what I do” etc. We only need to accept reality, or at least very realistic probabilities – not imagined catastrophes, judgments, or criticisms of ourselves or others as being facts.
Radical acceptance is often a journey. To get to a level of complete and total acceptance is not easy. And it rarely happen instantaneously. We can choose to turn our mind towards acceptance, but to truly feel it with every part of ourselves is often a journey of repeatedly turning towards acceptance. Many people feel a sense of peace when they truly accept things or themselves exactly as they are, but to get to that point often requires opening yourself up to experience an enormous amount of painful emotions along the way. And it’s totally natural that part of this journey may involve swinging back out of acceptance. One day acknowledging without struggle that things are the way they are, the next, noticing thoughts such as “Why me?” “This can’t be happening!” “This isn’t fair!”. When this occurs, it’s a sign you might need to turn your back mind towards acceptance once more!
So how does this apply to COVID-19?
In the space of six months, the whole world has changed. The pandemic has changed our lives in ways many of us couldn’t have imagined. For some of us it has had a bigger impact than others, but for all of us, there has been a lot of uncertainty, lack of control, and need to make changes to how we live our lives. For many there has also been a lot of fear, terror, grief, frustration, sadness, and a lot of questions no one can answer. “Will I catch it?” “Will my loved ones?” “Will I lose my job?”, “When will I be able to travel?”, “When will it end?”. It is natural there has been a lot of fighting against reality. A global pandemic is scary and for most of us it is an unprecedented event! It makes sense it wouldn’t be easy to radically accept!
What this has looked like across the world though is a lot of struggle. Struggle to accept the uncertainty, restrictions, changes, or losses that this pandemic has created. A lot of reactions driven by denying or rejecting reality, or by instead treating catastrophes as though they ARE reality, when they might not actually be very likely to occur at all. Swinging between trying to reassure ourselves or others by downplaying or dismissing the facts, through to feeling completely hopeless and helpless because our attention is hooked by worst-case scenarios. By focusing on sticking to the facts and accepting we cannot individually control or change the pandemic (or subsequent rules or restrictions!), we can refocus our energy onto living with the circumstances as they are in the most effective and meaningful way. When we let go of fighting reality and the things we cannot change, we can instead refocus on what we can still control, and how we can make the best of our situation.
Even those people who have experienced the most immense pain of losing loved ones may find radical acceptance to be beneficial. Allowing and accepting whatever emotions come up without judgment is sometimes crucial to processing a loss. Radically accepting there is no easy or “right” way to experience grief can help individuals validate their own experience and allow the process to unfold. And over time, finding a way to truly accept the loss has occurred (whilst remembering we are definitely not diminishing the pain or significance of this!) can be part of moving forward in life.
Ultimately though, working towards radical acceptance is something that can benefit us all, no matter what life has thrown at us. Here are some inspiring examples of people turning towards acceptance that I have come across over the last 6 months:
A first-time mum facing the reality of giving birth in a world where their partner was not been allowed to support them throughout the majority of labour, and where family members have not been able to meet their newborn. Initially this realisation created a lot of painful emotions, however, instead of getting trapped by thoughts that this isn’t fair and this isn’t how they pictured their journey into motherhood, they have managed to accept that this is the way things are right now; and they’ve transitioned with acceptance and grace into doing what needs to be done, even with far less practical support then they had ever imagined! A family experiencing extreme lockdown in another part of the world letting go of the frustration and resentment around the restrictions and instead focusing on making the most of reality as it is. Instead of complaining they can only leave the house for one hour’s exercise they have embraced that hour by going for mindful walks and breathing in fresh air, sights, and sounds of the world exactly as it is in that moment!
A young boy handling with astonishing acceptance the realisation that his birthday party needed to be cancelled. He didn’t have a tantrum or get stuck in how unfair it was that he’d already invited his friends, and that he had been looking forward to it for months. Instead he calmly accepted that it needed to be done; and redirected his energy to planning how to have fun at home that day instead!
Many people with fears of wearing facemasks, or anxiety that makes it hard for them to breathe. Instead of getting caught up in how they don’t want to wear one, or saying it’s too hard, they have stated they accept the recommendations are what they are, and they choose to not let it hold them back, even if it’s difficult for them.
Healthcare and other essential workers accepting the reality that to continue turning up to work is to accept there is a risk they will contract COVID-19, and to feel at peace with their decision. Equally, other professionals making different choices and accepting that in order to protect themselves or vulnerable family members to the best of their ability they cannot continue to work; or need to adapt and work from home; even though this creates other challenges that are so hard!
These are just a few examples of how each of us has a choice to turn towards accepting ourselves, our lives, our reality, and all that comes with it in each moment. To work on letting go of judgments that things aren’t the way they should be, that others aren’t doing what we think they “should” be doing, that by ruminating about the past we can somehow change it, or that by worrying about the future we can somehow prevent things that are out of our control. Instead, finding peace in allowing each moment to be just as it is.
This also includes radically accepting ourselves and all our “flaws”, and accepting each and every emotion we experience, even if we don’t want to feel that way. It’s not about “perfectly” handling the challenges that Covid-19 has thrown at us, it’s about accepting there is no such thing as perfection, no such thing as one right or wrong way to do things, no such thing as a pain-free existence. There is just us, as unique individuals, all experiencing the shared humanity of a world filled with things we often cannot control. “There is something wonderfully bold and liberating about saying yes to our entire imperfect and messy life” (Tara Brach).
