Reclaiming your power to choose
Helplessness, hopelessness, and feeling “stuck” are painful emotions that frequently arise when people’s mental health is suffering. They are often reported in people experiencing depression and anxiety. They can, however, also be felt by any of us, at any time, particularly when we feel that life is not the way we want it to be.
Whilst we cannot always avoid painful, stressful, or even traumatic events, it’s important to recognise that many of us have a lot more power to shape our lives at any given point in time than we probably recognise.
It’s absolutely true that there will always be things we cannot control. Feelings of powerlessness can arise because we find ourselves in situations where we simply don’t have the capacity, skills, or ability to change the things that we wish we could. And these incidences can be incredibly painful, distressing, or debilitating. These may be times when we are simply trying to survive the best way we know how, and anything beyond that feels impossible.
And at other times, when we feel helpless or hopeless it’s not because we don’t have any power or choice, it’s because we aren’t recognising our choices. We are caught up in all the things we cannot change, rather than focusing on the things that we can!
These tips may be helpful to reflect on, particularly if you find yourself feeling low, stuck, unfulfilled, helpless, or struggling to connect with hope.
1. Recognise that we nearly always have some element of choice. It’s simply that all choices have consequences, and sometimes we don’t want to face those consequences. So, we instead tell ourselves that we don’t have a choice. Sometimes this can make us feel relieved as it absolves us of the responsibility to make any changes we might feel anxious about. The problem is that we may also feel resentful, angry, frustrated, or helpless if we feel we have no choice or control. In reality, there are very few things we have no choice at all over- it’s simply that the consequences or disadvantages may outweigh the benefit at that moment in time. Acknowledging the facts as they are, and then focusing on the choices that do lie within our control can be much more empowering!
2. Remind ourselves there is often no way not to choose. Far from having no choice, it’s often the opposite- we can’t avoid choosing! Our actions often represent the choices we have made, whether consciously or not. Each day we are uncertain about a decision and thus delay taking action, we are actually choosing for things to stay the same. This can be scary, but it can also empower us to ask ourselves “If I can’t avoid choosing, what do I choose for today? Even if we agree to re-evaluate the next day whether our choice is still the same.
3. Remember our choices lie in our behaviours. Recognise that in most situations, we cannot control the situation, other people, or even our own thoughts or feelings! The one thing we can normally choose, however, is our own actions and how we respond. Sometimes our responses may be automatic, but once we become aware of them, we give ourselves the opportunity to choose to act differently the next time. Focusing our attention on our own behaviours instantly increases our sense of empowerment and can propel ourselves to act in ways which move us closer towards the kind of life we want for ourselves!
4. Adopt an attitude of flexibility rather than rigid adherence to rules, expectations, or “shoulds”. Feeling stuck often correlates to a perception that we have to automatically follow rules that we, or others, have set for us. Who says we have to keep doing the things we do? We’re bombarded by advice all the time about how to be the perfect human, partner, parent, child, employee, friend, or any other role we may fulfil! We’re often drowning under the weight of responsibilities and living up to all these expectations! If following a certain rule is working for you, keep doing it! If it’s not, give yourself permission to let it go. And if you do decide something is important enough for you to do, instead of telling yourself you have to do it or have no choice, try connecting with the reasons why it’s important. Then you can tell yourself “I choose to do this because it matters to me”.
5. Recognise that making choices which result in change can be sudden or gradual. Sometimes change results from taking an enormous leap of faith, but more commonly it is something that results from tiny consistent actions every day. So, pause, reflect, and ask yourself where does your power lie? What choices can you make in the midst of all the things you may not be able to change? And what’s holding you back from taking that first step? One step at a time is what gets any of us to where we want to be! And if it’s more a choice about notdoing something, own that choice and let go of the guilt! It’s your choice to make.
6. Recognise that no one else will or can change your life for you. If you are not feeling fulfilled, only you can really change that. Others can support you, guide you, or hold you if you fall. But no one else can actually do it for you! You are the one steering your ship. You are the one, moment by moment, who is crafting your own existence. No matter how hard it may feel, no matter how many barriers there may be, any of us has the capacity to change our own lives. We can be courageous! We can be willing to tolerate uncertainty and risk! We can let go of doing things that no longer serve us! We can choose to accept ourselves unconditionally, regardless of the things we do or don’t do! We can choose to let go of judgements and guilt and move towards our own authentic self, regardless of what that looks like. Whenever you feel ready, it can be time to pause, reflect, and reclaim your ability to choose!
