How do I know if my child’s anxiety is ‘normal’, or should I get them some help?
I have the distinct memory of walking around for about three days on a fractured ankle as a kid because my parents thought I had “just sprained” it and were quite surprised when a reluctant x-ray showed otherwise. Conversely, my parents dutifully took me to the optometrist after each of my yearly complaints that I needed glasses despite the assessments coming back each time that I had 20/20 vision. It can be tricky to walk the line as a parent between being caring and observant for your children and care-free and relaxed. Sometimes it’s hard to know whether under-reacting or over-reacting is worse!
One of the benefits of the increasing dialogue around mental health conditions is that everyone appears more aware of the presence of clinical anxiety (and depression, etc.) and the impact that they can have on one’s life. The stigma around seeking mental health treatment, including talk therapy and medication, is thankfully lifting and we’re seeing more willingness from all people to reach out for help when they feel like they need it.
However, we never want to pathologise (i.e. consider something that is normal as abnormal or a disorder) anyone, particularly children and young people in very formative years of their life. Labels applied by adults (teachers, parents, health professionals) can stick around children for years to come and can sometimes be internalised into their sense of self and personal identity.
Nervousness, anxiety, worry, and even panic are common (and useful!) feelings for children and young people. Children need to experience, feel, and learn from feeling all emotions, in particular anxiety and worry. But how do you know if your child’s anxiety is normal, or whether it’s something to seek help for?
Here are a couple of helpful tips that might provide you with direction:
- What does your family GP think?
Your GP is always a good starting point for anything health related. They are especially useful if they’ve cared for your child for a while (I can’t recommend enough finding a good GP and sticking with them for many years if possible!). Your GP can hopefully understand your child in the context of their temperament, your family situation, and other family history factors. They can also discuss and perhaps rule out other medical factors that may be contributing or masking as anxiety. Ultimately, they can also provide a referral to a health practitioner under Medicare should you want it.
- Is it significantly getting in the way of life?
How much is the anxiety or worry impacting your child? How much does it get in the way of their learning, their friendships, their relationships with family, their ability to grow and develop appropriately? Your child’s anxiety might be more mild, but be ‘triggered’ almost daily (e.g. such as a fear of speaking to others) meaning you might think about getting more support than if your child’s fear was very intense but rarely ‘triggered’ (e.g. flying in a aeroplane or riding a rollercoasters).
- Are they very distressed by it? Are you very distressed by it?
Your child might experience feelings of worry or anxiety, but after the feared event, situation, or stimulus passes they settle quickly and aren’t bothered by what happened. They might also be able to reflect on how the anxiety was lying to them, with statements such as “that wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be!” or “I’m glad I gave that a go” or “can I give it another try?”. However, perhaps their worry and anxiety is very distressing to them and seems to take up a lot of their mental, emotional, and physical energy.
A question I often get parents to think about is their own response to their child’s anxiety. Our anxiety as adults can surreptitiously fuel our kid’s anxiety. How do you cope with your child’s worry? How distressed or anxious are you about them? Do you have history with worrying, nervousness, apprehension, or avoidance? If so, then perhaps a helpful avenue is to seek your own assistance in managing your emotions. Modelling this to your child is a really powerful tool!
- Does it not seem to be shifting after a while?
Notice your child’s worry and anxiety. Approach your child’s anxiety with them with curiosity instead of fear. Gently help them approach (not avoid) feared situations and stimuli. However, if their anxiety and worry doesn’t seem to be shifting after a few months, or seems to be getting worse – think about reaching out.
- Does it seem different to peers their age? Does their worry or anxiety seem reasonable?
How much does their worry suit their age and stage? You might even want to check in with their class teacher or other parents. (Note – sometimes comparing between siblings isn’t the most helpful!). Does this seem comparable to other’s their age? For example – any transition is likely to create anxiety (e.g. a new school, new grade, starting pre-school, primary school or high-school), as are any ‘firsts’ or new experiences such as school camp, sleep overs, ‘big’ exams, family changes (e.g divorces, separations, new siblings, step-parents etc.). Does their worry seem reasonable? Discuss the “worry story” or what their “anxiety brain” is telling them? A child’s worries about being left alone is different depending on whether they are 5 or 15. Worries about failing an exam are different to worries about a ‘boogeyman’ in the closet.
- Do they want to speak to someone?
Ask your child what they might need or want! Adolescents and young people in particular might be interested in seeking psychological help (through school or an external service such as a private psychologist or Headspace). It can be helpful for children to have a ‘third party’ person to speak to, to explore what’s happening for them and be a sounding board – however this doesn’t always have to be a psychologist, it could be your GP, an aunt or uncle, a Godparent, or other friend or cousin.
Ultimately, back yourself as a parent (and a good one at that!) to understand and meet your child’s needs. You are the expert in your child! Listen to your intuition, and have an open and honest conversation (or multiple conversations over weeks and months) with your child about what’s going on for them and what you’re noticing.
