You Can’t Pour ( Or Drink!) From an Empty Cup!
The Pouring Part
Most of us have probably heard the old saying “You can’t pour from an empty cup” to highlight how necessary it is for us to take care of ourselves in order to be capable of taking care of others. This is especially true for parents, who have a huge amount of responsibility for the wellbeing of another (or multiple) humans, yet who still have separate issues, demands, ongoing stress, and other areas of life to attend to. Trying to completely self-sacrifice individual needs to meet the needs of children rarely works out well for anyone, and yet at the same time it’s not always easy as a parent to say, “I need some time for me!” and to truly do something soothing, nurturing, or beneficial with that time.
The issue is, that without taking time-out to reflect on what’s happening and to self-regulate, the demands don’t stop. Parents get more burned out, more emotionally depleted and more stressed; and the role of being a parent becomes even more challenging. Children are emotional sponges. They can sense a parent’s stress. They pick up on anxiety and they notice when a parent is not really present. They can also sense the resentment, frustration, anger, or guilt that often bubbles over when a parent is overwhelmed. And that often triggers insecurities, anxiety, or stress in the child. These things then get communicated through the child’s behaviour, and thus everyone gets trapped in a cycle whereby the more challenging the child’s behaviour is, the more stressed or frustrated the parent becomes.
And yet how do parents set aside time for themselves when they are so busy? It’s impossible right?
No. It’s not impossible, even though it may often feel that way! It’s just very very hard! Especially in today’s world where for many there is no tribe of villagers to step in. And yet it is essential. You don’t stop being a human with individual needs the moment you have a child. Your cup needs filling so that you have the emotional resources to cope with caring for someone else.
The Drinking Part
Just like we cannot pour from an empty cup, we cannot drink from one either. Children have their own cups that need filling too! And they may not have the same capacity to fill their cups independently. So, what happens when we make demands of our kids when their cup is empty? They struggle to meet our expectations! What may look like defiance, meltdowns, stubbornness, or aggression could be their way of communicating to us that they cannot “drink” from their cup right now. They need help to refill it before they are able to regulate themselves or meet our demands!
We can think of kids as having a general emotional cup that gets refilled by things like enough sleep, good nutrition, plenty of play, exercise, and fresh air, but it can sometimes also help to picture how they may have specific needs or “cups” that can get depleted, and to figure out how we can help refill them!
The Connection Cup
All children have a powerful need for connection. If this need is not met through regular quality, undivided attention, it’s likely the child will communicate this through their behaviour. The child refusing to go to bed is often a great example of this. You may be conscious of their need for sleep. You may also be tired yourself or have things you need to get done. Every parent has probably faced that challenge at some point! But if they’ve been away from you all day, or if you’ve been trying to work from home or do chores whilst they’ve been interrupting, or if you’ve been trying to divide your attention between them and their siblings, it’s possible that they are longing to reconnect! The more you push them away, the stronger that need becomes. You are their world when they’re little, and even as they grow and gain independence, they still rely on the sense of security that you being a safe base to return to gives them as they explore the world.
If you feel your child’s connection cup needs filling, here are some ideas!
1. Set aside 15-20 minutes to focus purely on that child in an undivided way and let them guide the activity. Ideally this will be a daily thing. If it’s only done every now and then you may find their cup is so empty, they struggle to accept when the time is up as they still need more!
2. Try to eat at least one meal together as a family without technology. Use it as an opportunity to talk, laugh, spend quality time in each other’s company. There may be some resistance at first if no one is used to doing this, but over time it make a real difference.
3. Notice and recognise your child’s bids for connection. When they do talk to you, wherever possible try to pause and really pay attention to them. Even if what they’re saying doesn’t seem important to you, it’s important to them in that moment. If you don’t pay attention when they communicate the small things, there’s less chance they will open up to you when it comes to the big things. Make eye-contact, turn towards them, actively listen without distraction, or if this is not possible, at least acknowledge their desire to talk to you and negotiate a time when this can happen.
4. Connect before you correct! If your child is exhibiting challenging behaviour, recognise it is a form of communication. Try to pause and notice what’s happening before you react. Help them to label their feelings, then empathise and validate them before you try to teach them to behave differently. If they feel you understand them there is a lot more chance they will co-operate with you. Plus, when children are highly emotional the “thinking part” of their brain is often offline. When you connect you help them to regulate which makes it much easier for them to understand and remember the limits you set.
5. Connect through affection. Frequent hugs, ruffling their hair, a kiss goodbye, or a quick snuggle before bed or on the couch are all powerful ways of keeping the connection strong!
The Power Cup
As children develop, they start to assert themselves. It’s natural for all kids to have a need for power and to feel in control of some things in their life. The younger they are the less control they have over their environment, but sometimes those meltdowns or defying your instructions are a signal their power cup is empty! These ideas may help!
1. Give frequent age-appropriate win/win choices where possible. Instead of asking your child “what do you want for lunch?” which could evoke a response of “ice cream!” (thus resulting in you once again having to assert your power over them to say no!) you could try “what would you like in your sandwich, peanut butter or vegemite?”
2. Play imaginary games where they are the boss. Younger kids in particular love role-playing games where they’re the police and you’re a baddie. Or they are the mummy or daddy and you are the child. Or you could try games where you have to freeze whenever they say! Or where they direct the game and you follow their instructions!
3. For older kids, let them take on the role of expert. Show curiosity as you ask them to tell you about things that they know more about than you such as their passions and interests, whatever those may be!
4. Let them win. I know our society highlights the importance of teaching kids to be good losers, but sometimes if their power cup is empty, they need to feel that experience of being on top. Playing board games, sport, or anything else where you can let them win can be a way of meeting this need.
5. Every now and then let them be in charge for a day. Set some initial ground rules that are non-negotiable for you, give them a budget, and then let them be in charge of deciding what to do that day!
The Boundaries Cup
Just like kids need opportunities to feel in control, there are also times when they need consistent limits, structure and routine in order to feel safe. Recognising the need to balance being too strict versus too permissive, or between fostering dependence versus forcing autonomy can be really important. If you sometimes swing between being super strict to then letting them have whatever they want to keep them happy, or if you tend to let them have free reign without many rules, their boundaries cup may be empty. They may be finding it hard to co-operate if they don’t understand why the rules are always changing or they may be feeling overwhelmed at the lack of structure or consistency. If you feel like this may be the case, the following tips may be helpful.
1. Prioritise. Choose one thing to work on rather than changing everything all at once. That will just create more chaos for everyone and make it much harder to stick to.
2. Be realistic and consistent. Change takes time and is often a process of adjustment for everyone. Understanding that when you give in ‘sometimes’ or if you change the rules when their behaviour is more volatile, it’s likely you’re reinforcing the very patterns of behaviour you’re trying to change. Intermittent reinforcement often teaches them to try harder, resist more, or refuse to back down those times you do try to set limits.
3. Be prepared to negotiate and involve children in the process. Yes, they need boundaries, but they also want to be heard and understood. When they’re not meeting your expectations, it’s likely they lack the skills or capacity to do so, or there’s a barrier getting in their way. Working out a plan together that factors in their difficulties whilst also highlighting your concerns is a lot more likely to be successful. Collaborate in solving problems before they arise, rather than always trying to put out fires in the moment!
There are many other types of “cup” your child may have that may need filling. Their downtime cup. Their belonging cup. Their mastery cup etc. Most parents can notice when their child is out of sorts and it can be helpful to ask yourself “What unmet need are they trying to communicate?” And as always, remember to take a moment to pause, breathe, calm yourself, or fill your own cup too!
