Why Am I Feeling So Angry?
Anger is a powerful emotion – when it’s out of control and acted upon, it can cause intense ruptures and hurt in relationships. We can do things we regret. However, it also propels us towards action – to fight for what we want and what we believe in, and push for change in ourselves and the world around us. It can be very protective.
Anger (like any other emotion) isn’t inherently ‘bad’ or ‘good’ – it’s simply another way our body and our mind processes and reacts to the world around us, giving us information about life and tools to engage with it.
Increased feelings of anger (experienced in a mild form such as being more irritable or frustrated, all the way through to periods of intense rage) is a common symptom of a few mental health diagnoses or conditions. Anger is famously one of the ‘five stages of grief’. It is listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) as a symptom of Depressive Episode. It is a common reaction to trauma, significant change, or prolonged stress. The physiological effects of Anxiety Disorders can produce increased agitation and make us feel ‘on edge’. Sleep deprivation (as a result of Insomnia or another condition) reduces our regulatory capacity and can give us a ‘shorter fuse’, make us more reactive and susceptible to anger.
Noticing our own anger can be a helpful barometer for how we’re going. Because of how physiological an anger response can be (increased heart rate, sweating, shaking, increase in body temperature, raised voice, clenched fists, muscle tensing, racing thoughts, ruminating, flushed face…) it can sometimes be easier to pick up than other symptoms. It can be tricky to admit that we’re struggling with anger, but raising it with your Psychologist, a doctor, or a friend or family member can be a good starting point.
‘The Anger Iceberg’ is a model I often cover in therapy with clients who report struggling with anger. The Anger Iceberg is a concept from the Gottman Institute (a well regarded organisation from the US that produces research and clinical resources regarding healthy relationships). It’s a pretty simple concept that suggests that, like an iceberg, anger has two parts – the part we can see and the part we can’t.
Our experiences and expressions of anger – being frustrated, irritable, annoyed, pissed off, enraged – are the tip of the iceberg (the part above the water). But below this emotion, there’s a lot more going on below the surface; anger is just the part that comes out or ‘spills over’.
This is because anger is often a secondary emotion – it is a response or product of another emotion. Some examples of secondary emotions – I might feel happy when I cancel plans, and then feel guilty that I felt happy. I might feel worried about meeting someone new, and then feel frustrated at my worry. I might feel scared about flying on aeroplanes, and then feel embarrassed at my fear.
When we look ‘under the water’ into the hidden part of the anger iceberg, we often see that anger is a split-second, subconscious response to a range of other feelings, thoughts, and experiences. But because anger is such a powerful emotion, we often don’t notice what is first driving it. All we can focus on is the frustration or outrage!
The part of the iceberg that is unseen, or the experiences that drive anger, might be a range of feelings or thoughts;
feelings such as sadness, grief, loss, confusion, loneliness, guilt, shame, pain, hurt, fear, insecurity, stress, numbness, jealousy, or vulnerability
thoughts, such as “I’m being ignored”, “I don’t have control”, “I’m not being heard”, “I’m unsafe”, “I’m exposed”, “I’m stuck”, “I don’t know what to do”, “I’m disrespected”, “I’m trapped”, “I’m excluded or abandoned”, “I’m not supported”
The thoughts and feelings that drive anger can be triggered by a range of experiences: isolation, injustice, powerlessness, overwhelm, changes or transitions. As mentioned above, trauma and mental health conditions, along with simple physiological states (hunger, tiredness, stress, being under the influence of substances) all make us more susceptible to reacting with anger, or even using anger as a coping mechanism.
Therefore, part of addressing anger is understanding what is driving it. We might need to ask ourselves; what’s below the surface here?
Often it’s best to do this self-reflecting when we’re in a cool, calm headspace. Anger can impact our ability to use our pre-frontal cortex, which is involved in reflective thought, so it’s hard to truthfully answer this question in the heat of the moment! If you’re noticing yourself getting more irritable or angry, plan some time when you’re alone or with a trusted person to reflect on the circumstances in which you often feel that way; look for patterns or common themes; ask yourself what deep parts of yourself might be being triggered?
I work with many teenagers and their parents. Both being an adolescent and parenting an adolescent can be ripe for anger! Teenagers are often angry at their parents; parents are often angry at their children. When we delve deeper here, we often see that frustration comes when parents feel like they’re not being listened to, and this transition from being respected by their children to ignored feels incredibly isolating. Often parents are deeply worried about their children, and this drives their frustration with their choices or decisions. Likewise, teenagers often feel micro-managed by their parents – simple comments such as “have you cleaned your room?” or “where are you going?” can trigger anger because they create a feeling of being mistrusted or undervalued. Often arguments can be softened (perhaps even avoided!) if we learn to identify what’s below the frustration and communicate those feelings or thoughts instead.
There are many strategies that can be used to address chronic, acute, or harmful anger. Common examples including ‘time outs’, deep breathing, exercise, or cold water. It’s important to address your anger if you recognise that it’s starting to impact others or yourself. However, strategies to address anger work best if we can identify the exact root emotions contributing to the anger in the first place!
