Do you think to avoid your feelings?
This might sound like a strange question, but many people describe themselves as spending a lot of time thinking about things in great detail. This isn’t necessarily a problem in itself, as for some people reflecting, analysing, planning, and problem-solving can be major strengths that serve them well in many areas of life. At other times though, this tendency to spend a lot of time inside our heads “thinking” about things can be less helpful. It can sometimes take us away from actually experiencing life, and often serves a function of helping us to avoid “doing” or “feeling” instead when those things feel uncomfortable!
Difficulty identifying feelings is also surprisingly common. Many people may find it challenging to accurately work out exactly what they are feeling. Most of us have a good sense of whether we’re feeling “good” or “bad” or even whether we’re angry, happy, or sad, but once we start exploring the subtle nuances between different feelings it gets a lot more challenging!
For example, it can be really hard to work out whether what we’re feeling is resentment? Or perhaps frustration? Or rejection? Or irritation? or betrayal? Or any other number of closely related yet slightly different emotions.
What often makes the process particularly hard is that for most of us, avoidance of painful or unpleasant feelings is a strategy we may use in order to cope, to function, or to get things done. Sometimes it comes from a history of trauma, or from being told we “shouldn’t” feel what we feel, or from beliefs that emotions are unhelpful and only hold us back in life. Sometimes we simply tell ourselves we’re too busy to stop and reflect on our feelings, or that it’s a waste of time! But by avoiding our feelings we miss out on valuable information and shut down opportunities to connect with what matters to us on a deeper level.
At times it’s obvious to us, or to others, that we are engaging in avoidance of our feelings. For example, we might assert we’re fine when we’re clearly not, or we might engage in strategies like comfort eating, drinking, binge-watching Netflix, or avoiding tasks that trigger anxiety or stress. Many of these times we are well aware that we are trying to distract ourselves from the emotions we don’t want to feel.
A more subtle form of avoidance, however, can be staying in a “thinking” space rather than connecting with our emotions or the physical manifestations of them. So maybe we are really good at identifying cognitively “I’m angry”, “lonely”, or “stressed” and yet we find it really hard to actually turn towards feeling these feelings. To actually notice and make room for the emotions in our body. Afterall, to move towards those feelings requires immense courage in allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to the pain that often shows up.
So instead, we ask “Why do I feel this way?” “What’s wrong with me?” “Why won’t these feelings ever go away?” Or we vent to others about our problems yet never feel a sense of anything being resolved. We may analyse our feelings from a cognitive space, looking to rationalise our experiences or search for answers in the hope we will suddenly stop feeling what we feel. But sometimes it’s not that easy. Even if we intellectually know why we feel the way we do, it doesn’t always change the feelings themselves.
Or perhaps we engage in all these mental strategies like worrying, planning, predicting, preparing and analysing – All sneaky ways of keeping us in a cognitive space so that we don’t need to actually feel what we don’t want to feel!
If you suspect you “think“ your feelings rather than actually feeling them, or you rationalise or analyse your way through life, or perhaps avoid all kinds of uncomfortable internal experiences through other means of distraction, the following may be helpful!
Start when you’re relatively calm and start small. There’s no need to launch into 30-minute meditations unless you truly see the benefit or have practiced it before! Instead, you could try pausing and simply checking in with yourself and asking yourself “what am I feeling right now?”.
The next step could be that instead of simply labelling it, try to allow yourself the space to notice how that feeling feels in your body. What do you notice about your posture, heart rate, facial expressions, sense of lightness or heaviness, sensations in your tummy or muscles etc?
Remind yourself it’s ok to feel whatever you’re feeling. Your feelings make sense in the context of your life and whatever shows up shows up. There are no “wrong” feelings.
If uncomfortable feelings are there, notice that even as those feelings are present you are still in control of your body. You can stretch, push your feet into the floor, take some deep breaths and ground yourself in the moment without needing to push those feelings away.
Spend time noticing how emotions are like waves that rise in intensity, and come down by themselves, even if we “do nothing”. This requires some practice as the temptation is often to act upon the emotion or do something to get rid of it. But just like a wave is often highest right before it breaks, sometimes our emotions also reach a peak before dissipating shortly afterwards. Especially if we allow them to be there, accept them willingly, and do not try to suppress them. No feeling lasts forever, and if the same ones keep showing up, approach them with curiosity. Perhaps there is a message they’re trying to tell you that you’re busy ignoring by shutting them down?
If you notice you have a tendency to over-analyse, worry, plan, or prepare, next time you spot yourself doing it simply pause. See if you can identify what you’re feeling in that exact moment. Is there a sense of discomfort you’re trying to escape from? If so see if you can name it, observe what it’s like, and make room for it.
If you notice a really strong urge to avoid uncomfortable feelings by engaging in unhelpful behaviours just STOP.
Stop.
Take a step back.
Observe what’s happening both inside and outside of yourself.
Proceed Mindfully.
This is a great skill from DBT that enables us to pause and notice what’s happening, and then choose to how to respond rather than just reacting. It won’t come naturally at first, but over time it can become much easier!
When you’re calm, ask yourself whether the actions you often engage in to avoid feeling your feelings really move you closer towards the life you want for yourself? Do they really “work” in the long-term to add value to your life, or does the avoidance come with consequences to you that make life more difficult or keep you stuck?
Know that you’re not alone and its human to try to escape pain. We all do it! It’s not a sign you’re weak or defective in some way, it’s your brain’s way of trying to protect you! Emotional pain can be just as unbearable as physical pain when it is intense. It takes courage to open yourself up to the vulnerability that comes with feeling your feelings!
Practice self-compassion! Acknowledge the pain that shows up sometimes. It is a moment of suffering, and it’s the very essence of humanity to feel in this way. Can you hold yourself gently and be kind to yourself in these moments of pain? What do you most need to hear in these moments and can you try saying it to yourself? Again, it may feel weird and unnatural at first, but over time, responding to your own pain and discomfort with kindness, nurturing, and self-love can make these feelings a lot more bearable than kicking yourself when you’re down by invalidating your own feelings or trying to pretend they’re not happening!
None of these steps are easy, but through practicing openness, acceptance, and compassion for ourselves no matter what feelings show up, we can learn to stop fearing our emotions. Instead we can see them as powerful allies that can enrich our lives, open us up to a full range of experiences, and connect us to a deeper understanding of ourselves in a way that cannot always be achieved through “thinking” our feelings rather than simply feeling them!
