Healthy Personal Boundaries
Having healthy boundaries with others is important for nearly all aspects of your life, often affecting your sense of identity and emotional wellbeing.
Boundaries in relationships refer to the guidelines and limits that we want for ourselves in relation to others. Healthy boundaries enable you to both limit others by saying “no” to them when appropriate, and to be able to have close and intimate relationships with others. It is this balance between recognising and asserting needs, and opening up to others, which provides for healthy boundaries and maintains your identity and self-esteem.
One way to visualise the need for having healthy boundaries, is as a form of self-care leading to self-respect. Viewing it this way can help to empower you to set healthy boundaries and avoid feeling guilt for doing so. Thinking in these terms also makes it clear that being able to show kindness to yourself is an important building block in establishing healthy boundaries – if you can’t be compassionate to yourself, it is very difficult to identify and assert your needs.
Healthy personal boundaries, and living in line with your values, can also be an important factor in defining your identity, self-respect and sense of autonomy. Having appropriate boundaries can give you a sense of control and safety through having clarity about what you do and don’t want, and what you consider yourself to be responsible for.
Boundaries are often defined as being rigid, or loose, with healthy boundaries often considered as falling somewhere in between these. Some typically defining features of each of these boundary types include:
Rigid boundaries
· Keep people at a distance: avoid close or intimate relationships
· Protective of their personal information
· Not expressing needs and wants
· Reluctant to ask for help
Loose boundaries
· Highly involved in the problems of others and feel responsible for others’ happiness
· Rely on others’ opinions for how they feel (weak sense of identity)
· Allow others to make decisions for them. Inability to take responsibility
· Share an inappropriate amount of personal information
· Reluctant to say “no” to others, and so are susceptible to disrespect or abuse
Healthy boundaries
· Ability to maintain their values regardless of others
· High self-esteem and self respect: trust and value own opinions
· Understand and communicate needs and wants. Take responsibility for themselves
· Assertive: able to say “yes” and “no” to others, and accept being told “no” by others
· Can separate needs, thoughts and feelings from those of others
· Has equal responsibility and power in relationships
Of course, everyone has their own unique set of boundaries that they are comfortable with, as healthy boundaries are based on your values, or the things that are meaningful or important to you.
You may also have very different boundaries depending on the setting and type of relationship, such as romantic relationships, family, friends, co-workers or manager, as these relationships are based on different levels of closeness, trust and values. Importantly, several different types of boundaries apply within each of these relationships, each of which are equally important. These may include boundaries concerning physical, emotional, intellectual, time-based, financial and sexual aspects.
When we do not have boundaries that work for us, we can end up feeling resentful, disappointed, angry, exhausted, time-poor, dependent or isolated, and experiencing poor quality and high conflict relationships with others. Our self-esteem and self-respect are also likely to suffer.
So, if boundaries are important to taking care of ourselves, and most of us would agree that they wouldn’t want their boundaries violated, why can it be so difficult to set and maintain healthy boundaries? Generally this is driven by the very powerful motivations of fear (of rejection, abandonment or confrontation) or feelings of guilt.
Further complicating the picture is the fact that we only have our internal barometer to know when there may have been a breach of our boundaries. However, one way to start tuning into when your boundaries may have been violated, is to notice when you come away from an interaction feeling drained, anxious, resentful, or angry, or if you find yourself complaining about the situation afterwards.
Ideas for setting healthy personal boundaries
· Think about a specific relationship where you struggle with setting healthy boundaries
· Consider whether your boundaries are too rigid or loose (or if something else is going on), and which areas (e.g. emotional, physical, intellectual, time, sexual, financial/possessions) are problematic
· Reflect on what you want from/value in the relationship, and how your life might be different if you adjust your boundaries
· Set boundaries based on your identified values – depending on the boundary problem, this may involve opening up more and being more vulnerable, or setting limits, for example
· Take time to identify and understand your healthy personal boundaries, and work through any emotions that come up
· Communicate your boundaries clearly and calmly to the other person: State what the boundary is, say what you need, and why it is important
· Be clear, brief, calm, firm and respectful
· Use “I” statements – focus on yourself and your needs
· Do not over-explain, justify or apologise for your boundary setting
Learning to set healthy personal boundaries will take practice, and you may feel awkward, selfish, guilty, and even afraid, at first. Start small until you feel more empowered. If you are taking responsibility for your behaviour and communicating in a respectful and clear manner, you are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to your boundary setting. Be determined and remember that you have the right to take care of yourself and have self-respect. Surround yourself with people who will support your efforts, and respect your choices.
Always respect the boundaries others have set for themselves.
