Managing Disappointment
Disappointment is a natural emotion that arises whenever something we have been hoping for, expecting, or looking forward to, doesn’t happen. It can arise in response to all sorts of situations and can range from being fleeting and mild to us feeling absolute devastated, crushed, or hopeless.
As we have recently faced another lockdown, it’s an emotion many of us are probably familiar with right now. Holidays, eating out, parties, and social gatherings have all been cancelled or put-on hold. We’ve been unable to see loved ones we may have planned to spend time with. Maybe struggling to think of how to fill our time when so many things are off limits. Of course, disappointment has shown up!
It would be so easy for disappointment to grow, to fester, to start to eat away at our existence. But It doesn’t have to be that way. Disappointment is hard, but if you’re experiencing it for any reason, the following may be a helpful place to start!
1. Acknowledge and validate the feelings that arise. There is nothing wrong with the feeling itself. In fact, it’s often helpful for us to tune into and honour our feelings. Disappointment is a natural emotion that alerts us to the fact that something we have been hoping for hasn’t happened. A goal, dream, or wish, has remained unfulfilled. It makes sense that we feel pain in response to this!
2. Open up to make room for the feelings. Painful as it is, trying to ignore, suppress, or shut down what we’re feeling is rarely a helpful long-term strategy. Instead, it can be helpful to try and make room for the feelings to be there. Practice acceptance and know that this feeling will pass. It really hurts right now, but it will not last forever.
3. Practice self-compassion and compassion for others. Disappointment is painful, particularly if it’s intense. This is a time when we need to be kind to ourselves and those around us. We are all doing the best we can and sometimes things are out of our control, no matter how hard we try. Blaming ourselves or others for things that occur is often fruitless. Instead, we can try holding ourselves with kindness and compassion. We can also try to maintain empathy for others and recognise that they too are doing the best they can with the emotional resources, skills, or knowledge at their disposal.
4. Ask ourselves what do we really need in response to the feeling? Do we need to express it; perhaps cry, vent, or seek comfort from others? Do we need quiet time alone to reflect on what’s happening? Do we need to shift our focus to something engaging, joyful, fun, or soothing?
5. Watch our thinking. Let go of criticisms, judgements, and blame. “Shoulds” and “if onlys”. These things are likely to just trigger more painful emotions such as frustration, resentment, anger, and bitterness. Spending lots of time dwelling on the past or getting caught up in worries about the future is rarely beneficial. Keep an eye out for black and white thinking or over-generalising. Thoughts like “Nothing EVER goes my way” or “Things will NEVER get better”. Or I’m “ALWAYS going to feel this way” can catch us all out at times. Not only are these thoughts not accurate, but the impact of getting hooked by them is likely to make things feel a whole lot worse.
6. Get some perspective. This doesn’t mean invalidating your feelings of disappointment by dismissing them or telling yourself you shouldn’t be feeling them, but it does mean reflecting on whether your mind is amplifying the situation by filtering out any positives. It can sometimes be helpful to consider alternative ways of viewing things. Trying to practice gratitude for the things we have rather than focusing on those we don’t.
7. Search for the silver linings. Are there any upsides to the situation? How can you take what life has given you and try to find a way to make use of the situation to better your life, circumstances, or wellbeing?
8. Have hope and set goals for the future. Make new plans, daydream, focus on things to look forward to. Sure, there’s always a chance disappointment may arise again if those plans change, but there’s also a chance things will work out! Sometimes the anticipation of something good to come can bring about excitement, purpose, or hope that makes disappointment much easier to manage. We cannot change reality as it is right now, but maybe we can keep working towards imagining and building the future we want to live!
