A positive view of ‘negative’ emotions

Do you categorise emotions as ‘good/positive’ or ‘bad/negative’?  Emotions that are generally labelled as ‘positive’ include love, contentment, joy, happiness, curiosity, excitement and gratitude, while emotions such as fear, sadness, guilt, anger, jealousy, loneliness, disappointment and rejection, are often labelled as ‘negative’. 

We are commonly taught throughout our lives that pleasant emotions are ‘good’, and unpleasant or uncomfortable emotions are ‘bad’. This labelling encourages us to struggle with the ‘bad’ emotions, so that when we experience difficult feelings, we may be tempted to try to avoid or control them. Of course, this is also completely normal and natural, as none of us like to experience things that make us uncomfortable or feel painful, and our instinct is to minimise them. Unfortunately, this struggle tends to give these difficult, unpleasant emotions more attention, increased power over us, and higher impact on our lives.

Importantly, there is nothing inherently ‘bad’ about difficult emotions. They don’t hurt us, and are an important part of our human experience. We can’t be in a perpetual state of ‘happiness’ or ‘positive’ emotions. Emotional pain is inevitable. It is completely normal to continually shift between a range of emotions, depending on the context. For example, building relationships with others, keeping fit and healthy, pursuing a career, while all meaningful and fulfilling, will also entail difficult and challenging emotional times. Sadness when losing something or someone you care about, while painful, is appropriate and an important reflection of your level of care. 

How you respond to uncomfortable or challenging emotions is an important component of how you experience your life. If you try and avoid any emotions that feel painful or uncomfortable, you will constantly be struggling with, and fighting, perfectly normal emotions. This means putting your energy into battles that don’t contribute to your longer-term fulfilment. 

So, perhaps a ‘good, happy life’ is not reflected in only experiencing ‘positive emotions’, but is better defined by it being meaningful and fulfilling - even though this means experiencing, and embracing, a wide range of emotions. Not just the ones that feel good.

If you find it difficult to live with the more challenging emotions, and find yourself trying to avoid or control unpleasant feelings, here are some thoughts about learning to let go of that struggle and accept your full emotional experience:

·      Notice and identify your emotion(s). Try and name what you are feeling. Be as specific as you can. Be curious and observe your emotion(s).

·      Notice any body sensations that may be associated with particular emotions, and where you might be feeling them.

·      Acknowledge and accept your emotions. Don’t try to change or avoid them.

·      Be self-compassionate about your emotions. Be kind to yourself, and accept that whatever you are feeling is natural and understandable. Don't judge yourself for what you are feeling.

·      Take meaningful action. When you have processed what you are feeling, bring your focus back to the world around you. Move forward in a way that is consistent with what is important to you, and how you want to be.

·      Compare your emotions to the weather!

Don’t let your emotions stop you from getting on with what is important to you.

Emotions of all different shades come and go and are always changing, just like the weather. When you are hoping for a sunny day, but it rains instead, what do you do? You can struggle against it, complain, say it isn’t fair, label it as ‘bad’, or give up on the day and hide in your bed. But the weather will not respond in any way, and your life is unlikely to be improved by any of this. Alternatively, you can acknowledge and accept that the weather is raining, even though it is not what you wanted, and adjust to the facts. You can still get on with your day – you can even get out into the rain and be active if you choose! In the same way, you can observe your changing emotions, and if you experience emotions that you don’t like, or that are not what you hope for, you can gently acknowledge and accept that they are there. You can still get on with whatever is important to you, without trying to change or avoid your difficult emotions.

Note: Of course, if you have difficult emotions that you feel stuck with for a longer period of time, or you don’t feel safe, reach out for additional support and help from a professional.