Passive, Assertive or Aggressive? How to Figure out Your Communication Style

Do you have difficulty asking for help? Saying no? Expressing your opinion? Expressing anger?Giving criticism? Stating your needs? Asking for help? You may have difficulty communicating assertively.

Not being assertive enough (passive) can lead to low self-esteem, unhealthy or uncomfortable relationships, feeling out of control of decisions, and feelings of anxiety, stress, resentment or tension. Being passive stops you from saying what you really think and feel, and can lead to those close to you to not really knowing who you truly are. Being passive can also mean you repress anger or frustration which may resurface or be expressed disproportionately in other contexts. Conversely, being too assertive (aggressive) can also lead to unhealthy relationships and loss of friendships.

It is helpful to consider communication styles as being on a continuum. On one end of the continuum is passive communication, in the middle is assertive communication, and at the other end is aggressive communication.

Passive-------------------------Assertive-------------------------Aggressive

What is Passive Communication and What Does it Look Like?

Passive communication is not expressing your honest feelings, thoughts or beliefs, allowing others to violate your rights, or violating your own rights in the way you communicate with others. It is also assuming responsibility for how others may feel or react.

Signs that you communicate passively:

• You slouch
• You avert your gaze
• You often use filler words such as “maybe”, “um”, “sort of”
• You use qualifiers such as “I might be wrong but…”
• You complain about others behind their back
• You put yourself down e.g. “You know me, I’m useless…”
• You apologise inappropriately
• You feel bad or guilty and you don’t know why
• You ruminate
• You use long rambling sentences or beat around the bush
• You believe it is rude or selfish to say what you want
• You worry you will upset others if you assert yourself
• You worry about embarrassing yourself if you say what you think
• You worry that if someone says “no” to your request they don’t like you

Benefits of passive communication:

• You avoid or postpone conflict in the short term
• You alleviate anxiety in the short term
• You are often praised for being selfless
• Others attempt to look out for you
• You are rarely blamed if things go wrong because you have not put yourself out there or taken control of the situation

Costs of passive communication:

• Others take advantage of you
• Your image is restricted to being a lovable, good person in the eyes of others
• Repressing your anger or frustration can lead to inappropriate anger outbursts and feelings of sadness
• Your self-esteem can be impacted

What is Aggressive Communication and What Does it Look Like?

Aggressive communication is expressing your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in a way that violates the rights of others.

Signs that you communicate aggressively:

• You yell
• You lean forward or lean over others
• You cross your arms
• You intrude into the other person’s space
• You debate, argue or try to get the other person to agree with you
• You generalise the person as a whole instead of a specific behaviour they exhibit
• You use put downs
• You express your opinions as fact

Benefits of aggressive communication:

• You feel powerful and in control
• You are able to release tension
• You are less vulnerable
• Things tend to go your way

Costs of aggressive communication:

• Others feel resentment toward you
• You sometimes feel shame or guilt
• You are less likely to have healthy and stable relationships
• It can be difficult to relax

The Passive-Aggressive Cycle

It might be common for you to be passive when you initially meet somebody else in an attempt to get them to like you. The danger here is that they are unlikely to get to know the real you, your needs may be overlooked, and the person may take advantage of you. You may grow to resent this other person over time and begin to communicate more aggressively. You might have unexpected outbursts of frustration or anger, stop returning the persons messages or calls, and you may disregard them as a friend altogether. Instead of beginning this cycle of passive-aggressive communication, start how you mean to continue and attempt to communicate assertively from the first meeting.

What is Assertive Communication and What Does it Look Like?

Assertive communication involves communicating your thoughts, feelings and beliefs in an honest way without violating the rights of others. It is the balanced middle ground between violating other people’s rights when being aggressive, and violating our own rights when being passive.

Signs that you communicate assertively:

• You use direct, non-threatening eye contact
• You communicate emotions appropriately e.g. smiling when pleased and frowning when angry
• You use ‘I’ statements
• You don’t allow others to take advantage of you
• You don’t attack others for their thoughts, feelings or beliefs
• You actively listen to others
• You make the distinction between fact and your opinion
• You actively seek the opinions and suggestions of others
• You are willing to explore several options
• Your speech is steady, direct, relaxed and appropriate in volume

Benefits of assertive communication:

• Your self-esteem will improve as you act more in accordance with your
  true self
• Others will get to know what your true thoughts, feelings and beliefs are
• Frustration and anger will be less likely to build up
• You will get to know others more deeply as you are less preoccupied with their potential for negative evaluation of you 

Costs of assertive communication:

• People close to you that have benefited from you being passive may respond poorly
• Practicing a new very different communication style to the style you have been using your entire life is intimidating

Assertive Communication : Key Tips to Remember

• Assertiveness is not the same as being confrontational or aggressive
• Not every situation requires you to be assertive, e.g. if there is potential for yourself or others to be hurt
• Relatedly, it is important to weigh up the pros and cons of being assertive to people of particular generations, cultures or positions
• Being assertive does not mean you will get what you want - you cannot know the outcome
• It is never too late to change the way you communicate
• Assertive communication has the potential to change the relationships you have with others and the way you view yourself

Read later blogs in this series to learn how to think and behave more assertively, how to say “no”, how to deal with criticism and disappointment, and how to give and receive compliments.

How To Really Listen

Communication is an essential life skill, and is so important in developing and maintaining meaningful relationships. Consciously or unconsciously, we’re constantly sending messages to others in a variety of ways.

Effective listening is an often ignored but absolutely vital skill in relationships, and can be a game changer when it comes to difficult or emotional conversations.

Good listening enhances your relationships, and makes success at work or school more likely. Poor listening sends the message that you don’t care, that you’re not interested in what the other person has to say, or that you’re self-absorbed.

Real listening is more than just being quiet while the other person is talking. It involves four distinct intentions:

·      To understand what the other person is saying, without imposing your own judgments.

·      To enjoy your interaction and appreciate that the person is sharing a part of himself or herself with you.

·      To learn more about the other person, including the person’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions

·      To help, which involves paying particular attention to ways in which you can assist the person or provide support.

LISTENING BLOCKS

Everyone is prone to “listening blocks” that prevent you from really hearing people. Once you become aware of your listening patterns, you can more easily avoid the blocks and become a better listener.

·      Comparing – When you’re busy comparing yourself to people who are talking to you, you’re not hearing them. Instead, you’re trying to figure out if you’re as smart, as good-looking, as funny, as tough, and so on. Regardless of whether you’re making positive or negative comparisons, you’re not focused on hearing the other person. It’s easy to get caught up in how you measure up to others in particular settings or situations. That’s human nature; we can’t help but compare ourselves to others. However, we can bring awareness to noticing when it occurs and then not let it get in the way of listening well.

·      Mind Reading – When you’re mind reading, you’re paying less attention to the actual words people are saying and too much attention their tone of voice and body language in an effort to figure out their thoughts and feelings. For example, you may find yourself imagining what the other person is thinking about you instead of listening to what the person is saying.

·      Rehearsing – It’s tempting to start thinking about crafting your own response to others while they’re still talking. But when you do that, you’re likely to miss out on important information that they’re trying to communicate to you.

·      Filtering – You know you’re filtering if you consistently pay attention to some things more than others. For example, you may be less interested in the content of what others are communicating than figuring out whether they’re in a good mood or a bad mood. Some people filter for material that’s critical of them, some for compliments, some for a particular topic that interests them, and so on. Filtering can also involve excluding some types of information, leading people to listen selectively, ignoring remarks that are of little or no interest to them.

·      Judging – If you’re too quick to pass judgment on people, you won’t hear what they’re actually saying. Be careful not to judge people on their appearance or what you’ve heard about them. Stay open to the content they’re communicating, rather than dismissing them because you have preconceived notions about them.

·      Daydreaming – This is a particularly problematic listening block because when you’re daydreaming, you’re completing focused on other things, not the person in front of you. You won’t be able to make a valuable connection if you’re tuned out.

·      Identifying – This listening block can grow out of a desire to connect about a shared experience. But when you’re too busy focusing on how your experience relates to what others are saying, it starts to become more about you and less about them.

·      Advising – Like identifying, advising is often based on a desire to connect. Unfortunately, it can make others feel like you’re too focused on trying to offer a solution and as though you aren’t allowing them to finish communicating their entire experience of the situation.

·      Arguing – When you’re focused on promoting or defending your opinions and beliefs, it’s difficult to make genuine connections with others. Arguing alienates people because it sends a message that you’re not open to understanding their point of view and what they have to say.

·      Being Right – This listening block is a huge obstacle to connecting with other people. It’s hard to learn from others or grow in terms of your beliefs and feelings if you aren’t open to other people’s opinions.

·      Derailing – This listening block involves quickly changing the topic to avoid criticism or talking about something that makes you anxious or upset. Sometimes people derail conversations by making jokes or distracting comments. Of course, this gets in the way of making a meaningful connection with others.

·      Placating – You may do this is an effort to be liked; agreeing with everything the other person says or does. However, it’s difficult to connect with others if you’re focused on making sure they feel good. If you’re placating, you aren’t tuned in to or examining what the other person is saying.

We all get trapped by listening blocks, whether we do so knowingly or unknowingly. The first step to improving relationships is to bring awareness to the things that are getting in the way of clear communication. What are your primary listening blocks? What are the situations or people associated with them? What situations or places do your listening blocks come up most often?

With practice, you can largely overcome these blocks and become a better listener. This will result in more interesting, satisfying, and meaningful interactions with the people in your life.

This content has been taken from Communication Skills for Teens by Michelle Skeen.