How To Really Listen

Communication is an essential life skill, and is so important in developing and maintaining meaningful relationships. Consciously or unconsciously, we’re constantly sending messages to others in a variety of ways.

Effective listening is an often ignored but absolutely vital skill in relationships, and can be a game changer when it comes to difficult or emotional conversations.

Good listening enhances your relationships, and makes success at work or school more likely. Poor listening sends the message that you don’t care, that you’re not interested in what the other person has to say, or that you’re self-absorbed.

Real listening is more than just being quiet while the other person is talking. It involves four distinct intentions:

·      To understand what the other person is saying, without imposing your own judgments.

·      To enjoy your interaction and appreciate that the person is sharing a part of himself or herself with you.

·      To learn more about the other person, including the person’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions

·      To help, which involves paying particular attention to ways in which you can assist the person or provide support.

LISTENING BLOCKS

Everyone is prone to “listening blocks” that prevent you from really hearing people. Once you become aware of your listening patterns, you can more easily avoid the blocks and become a better listener.

·      Comparing – When you’re busy comparing yourself to people who are talking to you, you’re not hearing them. Instead, you’re trying to figure out if you’re as smart, as good-looking, as funny, as tough, and so on. Regardless of whether you’re making positive or negative comparisons, you’re not focused on hearing the other person. It’s easy to get caught up in how you measure up to others in particular settings or situations. That’s human nature; we can’t help but compare ourselves to others. However, we can bring awareness to noticing when it occurs and then not let it get in the way of listening well.

·      Mind Reading – When you’re mind reading, you’re paying less attention to the actual words people are saying and too much attention their tone of voice and body language in an effort to figure out their thoughts and feelings. For example, you may find yourself imagining what the other person is thinking about you instead of listening to what the person is saying.

·      Rehearsing – It’s tempting to start thinking about crafting your own response to others while they’re still talking. But when you do that, you’re likely to miss out on important information that they’re trying to communicate to you.

·      Filtering – You know you’re filtering if you consistently pay attention to some things more than others. For example, you may be less interested in the content of what others are communicating than figuring out whether they’re in a good mood or a bad mood. Some people filter for material that’s critical of them, some for compliments, some for a particular topic that interests them, and so on. Filtering can also involve excluding some types of information, leading people to listen selectively, ignoring remarks that are of little or no interest to them.

·      Judging – If you’re too quick to pass judgment on people, you won’t hear what they’re actually saying. Be careful not to judge people on their appearance or what you’ve heard about them. Stay open to the content they’re communicating, rather than dismissing them because you have preconceived notions about them.

·      Daydreaming – This is a particularly problematic listening block because when you’re daydreaming, you’re completing focused on other things, not the person in front of you. You won’t be able to make a valuable connection if you’re tuned out.

·      Identifying – This listening block can grow out of a desire to connect about a shared experience. But when you’re too busy focusing on how your experience relates to what others are saying, it starts to become more about you and less about them.

·      Advising – Like identifying, advising is often based on a desire to connect. Unfortunately, it can make others feel like you’re too focused on trying to offer a solution and as though you aren’t allowing them to finish communicating their entire experience of the situation.

·      Arguing – When you’re focused on promoting or defending your opinions and beliefs, it’s difficult to make genuine connections with others. Arguing alienates people because it sends a message that you’re not open to understanding their point of view and what they have to say.

·      Being Right – This listening block is a huge obstacle to connecting with other people. It’s hard to learn from others or grow in terms of your beliefs and feelings if you aren’t open to other people’s opinions.

·      Derailing – This listening block involves quickly changing the topic to avoid criticism or talking about something that makes you anxious or upset. Sometimes people derail conversations by making jokes or distracting comments. Of course, this gets in the way of making a meaningful connection with others.

·      Placating – You may do this is an effort to be liked; agreeing with everything the other person says or does. However, it’s difficult to connect with others if you’re focused on making sure they feel good. If you’re placating, you aren’t tuned in to or examining what the other person is saying.

We all get trapped by listening blocks, whether we do so knowingly or unknowingly. The first step to improving relationships is to bring awareness to the things that are getting in the way of clear communication. What are your primary listening blocks? What are the situations or people associated with them? What situations or places do your listening blocks come up most often?

With practice, you can largely overcome these blocks and become a better listener. This will result in more interesting, satisfying, and meaningful interactions with the people in your life.

This content has been taken from Communication Skills for Teens by Michelle Skeen.