Why You Shouldn't Be A Perfect Parent

Parenting is an incredibly important and demanding job that can seem overwhelming considering the level of responsibility involved.  Holding my newborn baby I was struck by a combination of awe and fear – how can I possibly be strong enough, wise enough, patient enough and energetic enough to be the parent this incredible being deserves?

Research consistently emphasises the importance of secure attachment between caregiver and child in promoting emotion regulation, mental health and positive relationships later in life.  

Knowing the momentous role parenting plays, I became acutely aware of the internal and external pressures to be a perfect parent. As a psychologist, I knew that I had to manage this so that the pursuit of perfection didn’t negatively impact upon my parenting. 

The Unhelpful Consequences of Pursuing Perfection

·     Anxiety – Working hard to achieve perfection and worrying about whether or not you’re doing it right isn’t going to help your child feel more secure. It only creates a state of mind that children pick up on. Children pay attention to our actions, but they pay more attention to the state of mind behind our actions. Secure parenting is about being relaxed, and trusting that we’re good enough.

·     Mindset - We view mistakes as problematic examples of our lacking ability, rather than lessons for our children and ourselves that cement security and facilitate good relationships. It’s not avoiding ruptures that promotes healthy psychological development but being sure to make repairs. Repair simply means acknowledging that we made a mistake and then returning to “good-enough” parenting once more. In this way, you’re helping your child develop a resilient sense of self that trusts mistakes are a normal part of genuine relationships. 

·     Shame and Guilt – Inevitable consequences of expecting perfection. This can take the form of berating ourselves, or pretending we don’t make mistakes and finding someone else to blame (our children, our partner, our upbringing). Blame has never helped a parent become a better parent.  

·     Modelling – We unintentionally communicate to our children that perfection is important, setting up an unrealistic and unhelpful framework for navigating life and relationships.  

·     Shifts the focus from “being” to “doing” – the pressure to “get it right” requires constant doing – managing behaviour, reading up on parenting techniques, and so on. “Being with” our children, focusing on their needs in the moment, allows the sensitive attunement and responsiveness most important to building secure attachment. Being-With means sitting still – not trying to change your child’s experience but accepting it and showing that you’re here with them in it as another human being who struggles with similar feelings. 

More important than the parenting approach we take, is who we are and how we feel as we make that choice. It is our intention to do what’s best for our children that matters. 

Modelling perfection and the pursuit of it does not promote healthy development. Our children don’t need perfection. They need to trust in our commitment to their legitimate needs.

What Promotes Secure Attachment?

·     Calm, responsive confidence 

·     Relaxing into bonding with your child

·     Underlying positive intentionality  

I’ve found that asking myself these questions when I’m feeling overwhelmed or anxious can help ground myself in what my daughter needs from me, rather than worrying about getting it right:

o  “Is this about your need to be a good parent or about your child’s actual need in this particular moment?”

o  “Are you so anxious that you’re doing whatever you’re doing to make sure you don’t do it wrong, or are you focusing on what is actually needed here?”

The take away message is that pursuing perfection creates anxiety, takes the focus away from what’s most important for developing secure attachment, and provides unhelpful role modeling. So trust in yourself, focus on being-with your child, and meet mistakes with kindness, understanding and compassion!

Four Tips for Building Resilience in Kids

Most parents would love their children to grow up to be resilient. Resilience is associated with being able to bounce back from challenges, cope with stress and express their emotions effectively. However, kids aren’t born with a manual and the overwhelming (and often conflicting) amount of parenting strategies online and from well-meaning friends or family can make navigating this area particularly tough.

Fortunately, we have done the work for you and gathered four strategies that promote resilience:

1. Good enough is good enough

This is one of the most important message for your child to learn, and promotes positive self-esteem. Your child needs to learn that they can impact the world, and that their efforts are good enough.

For instance, if you ask your child to make their bed but then you re-do it because it isn’t neat enough or if you ask your child to do their homework but then you read over it and change their work, ask yourself‘‘What message is my child getting about themselves if I do this?’’ Often the message they receive is ‘’What I’ve done isn’t good enough’’.

Of course doing this once or twice is harmless, but if this is a consistent pattern of ‘re-doing’ chores or ‘re-editing’ work, it can lead children to feel helpless and to stop trying altogether or to feel they are not good enough and promotes perfectionism to try and be ‘good enough’.

2. Listen to your child

It sounds simple enough, but often when we think we are listening to kids we are either problem solving (‘’Have you tried talking apologizing to Emily?’’) or providing reassurance (‘’Don’t worry, this won’t matter next week, it will be fine.’’)

To really listen you need to stop what you are doing and use validating statements (‘’That’s so difficult… you had a hard day….how disappointing, no wonder you look sad.’’) If your child doesn’t want to talk, then just sit with them (rub their back, allow them time to respond, do an unrelated activity together or let them know you care and you’re in the next room if they want to talk it over).

3. Promote problem solving and decision-making

It can often be tempting to problem solve your child’s problems yourself, as it can be quicker and you may have an effective solution. However, this robs your child of the chance to learn one of life’s greatest skills.

Instead, when your child comes to you with a problem ask them ‘’How can we tackle this?’’ Where you can, let them talk and try to come up with their own solutions (no matter how silly!). Your relationship is the safest place in the world for them to experiment and try new ideas. It can help to ask them what they think someone more capable would do (e.g. an adult they know, a friend they admire or a superhero character) and to brainstorm as many ideas in five minutes that they can!

4. Control your own emotional responses

There is no doubt that children often know how to push their parents’ buttons! But it is vital that you learn to control you own emotional responses to their misbehaviour. Children will copy what you do, not what you say, so if you yell, swear, emotionally shut-down or smack, they will pick up on this and copy you when they get upset.

Instead, try to count to 10, leave the situation temporarily (e.g. say you need to go to the bathroom) or talk to an adult about the situation to blow off steam.