Why You Shouldn't Be A Perfect Parent
Parenting is an incredibly important and demanding job that can seem overwhelming considering the level of responsibility involved. Holding my newborn baby I was struck by a combination of awe and fear – how can I possibly be strong enough, wise enough, patient enough and energetic enough to be the parent this incredible being deserves?
Research consistently emphasises the importance of secure attachment between caregiver and child in promoting emotion regulation, mental health and positive relationships later in life.
Knowing the momentous role parenting plays, I became acutely aware of the internal and external pressures to be a perfect parent. As a psychologist, I knew that I had to manage this so that the pursuit of perfection didn’t negatively impact upon my parenting.
The Unhelpful Consequences of Pursuing Perfection
· Anxiety – Working hard to achieve perfection and worrying about whether or not you’re doing it right isn’t going to help your child feel more secure. It only creates a state of mind that children pick up on. Children pay attention to our actions, but they pay more attention to the state of mind behind our actions. Secure parenting is about being relaxed, and trusting that we’re good enough.
· Mindset - We view mistakes as problematic examples of our lacking ability, rather than lessons for our children and ourselves that cement security and facilitate good relationships. It’s not avoiding ruptures that promotes healthy psychological development but being sure to make repairs. Repair simply means acknowledging that we made a mistake and then returning to “good-enough” parenting once more. In this way, you’re helping your child develop a resilient sense of self that trusts mistakes are a normal part of genuine relationships.
· Shame and Guilt – Inevitable consequences of expecting perfection. This can take the form of berating ourselves, or pretending we don’t make mistakes and finding someone else to blame (our children, our partner, our upbringing). Blame has never helped a parent become a better parent.
· Modelling – We unintentionally communicate to our children that perfection is important, setting up an unrealistic and unhelpful framework for navigating life and relationships.
· Shifts the focus from “being” to “doing” – the pressure to “get it right” requires constant doing – managing behaviour, reading up on parenting techniques, and so on. “Being with” our children, focusing on their needs in the moment, allows the sensitive attunement and responsiveness most important to building secure attachment. Being-With means sitting still – not trying to change your child’s experience but accepting it and showing that you’re here with them in it as another human being who struggles with similar feelings.
More important than the parenting approach we take, is who we are and how we feel as we make that choice. It is our intention to do what’s best for our children that matters.
Modelling perfection and the pursuit of it does not promote healthy development. Our children don’t need perfection. They need to trust in our commitment to their legitimate needs.
What Promotes Secure Attachment?
· Calm, responsive confidence
· Relaxing into bonding with your child
· Underlying positive intentionality
I’ve found that asking myself these questions when I’m feeling overwhelmed or anxious can help ground myself in what my daughter needs from me, rather than worrying about getting it right:
o “Is this about your need to be a good parent or about your child’s actual need in this particular moment?”
o “Are you so anxious that you’re doing whatever you’re doing to make sure you don’t do it wrong, or are you focusing on what is actually needed here?”
The take away message is that pursuing perfection creates anxiety, takes the focus away from what’s most important for developing secure attachment, and provides unhelpful role modeling. So trust in yourself, focus on being-with your child, and meet mistakes with kindness, understanding and compassion!
