What To Do Instead of Controlled Crying

Attachment theory has advanced significantly over the past decade, providing research that discounts many of the previously held views stemming from behaviourism.  

The attitude that comforting a child in distress spoils them, reinforces the behaviour or creates a “rod for your own back” is just not supported by current research.

Being available, responsive and sensitive to your child’s emotions and needs, from birth, is what builds the foundation for secure attachment. Secure attachment is one of the most powerful gifts you can provide your child – setting the foundations for emotional, social and physical health and wellbeing into adulthood. 

One controversial legacy of behaviourism is controlled crying. Still a topic to divide parents today, attachment theory provides important insights into the mechanisms involved in the process. Research shows that although controlled crying may “work” in terms of the outcome of reducing crying, cortisol remains high in “sleep trained” infants. This suggests that the underlying emotion hasn’t changed; the children just learn the futility of communicating their distress. In this way, what controlled crying teaches is – “There is no point in asking for help because it won’t arrive”. The distress remains, the underlying emotion remains, and an important lesson is learnt that they cannot rely on others for support. 

Attachment theory provides an alternative approach to managing sleep difficulties, that protects the emotional wellbeing of your child, and your relationship:

·     Babies are not designed to sleep well!

Our society has an obsession with babies and sleep, equating “good” babies with sleeping babies. This can create anxiety amongst parents, making them feel like they are doing something wrong if their babies aren’t sleeping. Babies pick up on the anxiety and distress of their parents, making sleep even harder to achieve. Check in with your expectations, and let go of unhelpful beliefs. 

·     Shift your focus from “Doing” to “Being”

Instead of making the aim to get your baby to sleep, use the lead up to bedtime to just be present. Watch them. Once he or she is calm, just take a moment to share the moment with them. Don’t try to do anything, just be calm and quiet together. 

·     Get to know your baby’s tired signs

This can take time and practice, but gives you valuable information to make sleep more likely. As you get better at noticing your baby’s early sleep signs, you have a greater opportunity to catch the window that is easiest for your baby to achieve sleep. 

·     Do what it takes to calm your baby

When your baby is having difficulty settling to sleep, it will be near impossible for them to fall asleep distressed. By calming your baby you are creating the conditions possible for them to sleep.

·     Go with your gut

When you are trying new ways to help your baby sleep, check in with how it sits with you as a parent. If it feels wrong, trust that feeling. If your baby seems more distressed, listen and respond to them accordingly. Use and trust your intuition. 

·     Trust your baby

Babies’ sleep matures and develops as they do. There is no need to rush the process, especially when doing so creates stress for everyone involved. 

·     It’s never too late to focus on attachment!

If you are someone who has practiced controlled crying in the past, because it was the done thing, or because you were keen to try whatever you could to get some sleep, don’t beat yourself up! Blame and judgment never helped anyone become a better parent. Attachment is an ongoing process and is not set in stone. Ruptures can be repaired and security can be achieved. 

Why You Shouldn't Be A Perfect Parent

Parenting is an incredibly important and demanding job that can seem overwhelming considering the level of responsibility involved.  Holding my newborn baby I was struck by a combination of awe and fear – how can I possibly be strong enough, wise enough, patient enough and energetic enough to be the parent this incredible being deserves?

Research consistently emphasises the importance of secure attachment between caregiver and child in promoting emotion regulation, mental health and positive relationships later in life.  

Knowing the momentous role parenting plays, I became acutely aware of the internal and external pressures to be a perfect parent. As a psychologist, I knew that I had to manage this so that the pursuit of perfection didn’t negatively impact upon my parenting. 

The Unhelpful Consequences of Pursuing Perfection

·     Anxiety – Working hard to achieve perfection and worrying about whether or not you’re doing it right isn’t going to help your child feel more secure. It only creates a state of mind that children pick up on. Children pay attention to our actions, but they pay more attention to the state of mind behind our actions. Secure parenting is about being relaxed, and trusting that we’re good enough.

·     Mindset - We view mistakes as problematic examples of our lacking ability, rather than lessons for our children and ourselves that cement security and facilitate good relationships. It’s not avoiding ruptures that promotes healthy psychological development but being sure to make repairs. Repair simply means acknowledging that we made a mistake and then returning to “good-enough” parenting once more. In this way, you’re helping your child develop a resilient sense of self that trusts mistakes are a normal part of genuine relationships. 

·     Shame and Guilt – Inevitable consequences of expecting perfection. This can take the form of berating ourselves, or pretending we don’t make mistakes and finding someone else to blame (our children, our partner, our upbringing). Blame has never helped a parent become a better parent.  

·     Modelling – We unintentionally communicate to our children that perfection is important, setting up an unrealistic and unhelpful framework for navigating life and relationships.  

·     Shifts the focus from “being” to “doing” – the pressure to “get it right” requires constant doing – managing behaviour, reading up on parenting techniques, and so on. “Being with” our children, focusing on their needs in the moment, allows the sensitive attunement and responsiveness most important to building secure attachment. Being-With means sitting still – not trying to change your child’s experience but accepting it and showing that you’re here with them in it as another human being who struggles with similar feelings. 

More important than the parenting approach we take, is who we are and how we feel as we make that choice. It is our intention to do what’s best for our children that matters. 

Modelling perfection and the pursuit of it does not promote healthy development. Our children don’t need perfection. They need to trust in our commitment to their legitimate needs.

What Promotes Secure Attachment?

·     Calm, responsive confidence 

·     Relaxing into bonding with your child

·     Underlying positive intentionality  

I’ve found that asking myself these questions when I’m feeling overwhelmed or anxious can help ground myself in what my daughter needs from me, rather than worrying about getting it right:

o  “Is this about your need to be a good parent or about your child’s actual need in this particular moment?”

o  “Are you so anxious that you’re doing whatever you’re doing to make sure you don’t do it wrong, or are you focusing on what is actually needed here?”

The take away message is that pursuing perfection creates anxiety, takes the focus away from what’s most important for developing secure attachment, and provides unhelpful role modeling. So trust in yourself, focus on being-with your child, and meet mistakes with kindness, understanding and compassion!