The Importance of Self-Compassion
Research into the importance of self-compassion has gained a lot of momentum in recent years. With very good reason! A lot of the clients we see report that they experience a lot of self-judgment and self-criticism. Experiencing really painful thoughts that they’re failing, they can’t do anything right, or that they’re not good enough. Or they report being so stressed and overwhelmed, and yet they struggle to take a break from their busy lives. instead they tell themselves they need to do more, achieve more, be more, in order to feel worthy. It’s so hard for all of us when life feels this way! Similarly, when it all gets too much “taking a break” often means numbing ourselves with an activity that ultimately makes us feel worse; such as disengaging from life and those who care about us; or engaging in unhelpful behaviours. These things often give instant relief but ultimately take us further away from the meaningful life we want to live.
If any of this sounds familiar, there may be an alternative. A gift you can give yourself! The gift of self-compassion.
What is Self Compassion?
Dr Kristen Neff, one of the world’s foremost researchers in self-compassion explains that self-compassion has 3 components.
Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment
In order to be compassionate to ourselves we need to respond to our mistakes and perceived inadequacies with warmth and understanding. Life doesn’t always go the way we plan. We can’t always do or achieve what we want. It’s important that when we experience pain or setbacks we work on accepting the reality that this is part of life. We cannot always be perfect or achieve perfection. Holding those unrealistic standards often leads to self-criticism, frustration, and increased suffering.
Common Humanity rather than Isolation
When we are in pain or we make a mistake, we often feel very alone. We feel like we are the only person experiencing this and nobody else has the same troubles or perceived flaws. Whilst it is true that we are unique individuals with our own special place in this world, ultimately pain and imperfection are part of being human. Everywhere in the world others are experiencing their own journey with mistakes they wish they could undo, and parts of life they wish weren’t the way they are right now. Recognising this can help us realise we are not alone in our suffering, we are not unique in our feelings of inadequacy, loss, shame, or regret. Feeling these uncomfortable feelings is part of the very essence of humanity.
Mindfulness versus Over-Identification
Mindfulness is a state of non-judgmental awareness of the present moment. We cannot be compassionate towards ourselves if we ignore or suppress our emotions or painful thoughts and don’t recognise what we’re experiencing. And at the same time, we can’t be compassionate towards ourselves if we over-identify with our unhelpful thoughts and treat them as facts. Or if we allow ourselves to become completely consumed by painful emotions, reacting rather than responding effectively to them. Mindfulness helps us to become more aware of our reality, our thoughts, our feelings, and to accept them without judgment. Being mindful allows us to recognise when we need to be kind and gentle with ourselves, and to also be present with those around us in order to connect to the shared humanity that binds us all.
Self-Compassion in Action
There are many ways to embody these qualities of self-compassion that have been developed by Neff and other experts in the field. Here are some simple ideas you might like to follow:
Self-Compassion break
This involves taking a few moments to draw your awareness to something in life that is difficult for you. Notice what it feels like, where in your body that discomfort is. Then say to yourself “This is a moment of suffering”, “it hurts right now,” or “this is really painful”. Next, draw on common humanity by saying “Suffering is a part of life” or “others feel this way too” or “I’m not alone”! Finally, say to yourself “May I be kind to myself” or “May I forgive myself” or “May I learn to accept myself as I am”. Taking a few minutes to do this can be a way of acknowledging your pain and supporting yourself through it.
What would I say to a friend?
This is a powerful exercise for those that place higher expectations on themselves than others, or that struggle to treat themselves with the same kindness they offer others. Next time you are experiencing a difficult situation and notice yourself thinking self-critical thoughts, try to think about what you would say to a friend or loved one experiencing the same challenge. It can be easier to think of how we would be encouraging or supportive to those we cherish rather than ourselves sometimes, so use this ability, and then turn it towards yourself.
Be your own best friend
Building upon that idea, it can be helpful to remind yourself that you spend more time with yourself than any other human on the planet. What might it be like if instead of walking around judging and berating yourself, you worked to become your own best friend? To pick yourself up with encouraging words when you’re having a hard time, to be gentle with yourself, or to let yourself know that you love and value yourself and it’s ok to make mistakes sometimes?
Self-compassion touch
There are many ways of doing this exercise, but the idea is to embrace the comfort of physical touch we often offer to others who are in pain. You could give yourself a hug. Gently massage your body with a special lotion or stroke the skin on your arm or face. Or you could place your hand on your heart, or any part of your body where you feel pain, and picture a warm, soothing touch radiating out offering support and comfort.
We all have the capacity to be kind and compassionate to ourselves. Even if its unfamiliar at first, or you are so used to taking care of others you forget to prioritise your own needs. It may take some practice, but prioritising self-compassion on a daily basis could be one of the greatest gifts you could give yourself to enrich your life in a meaningful way.
Remember, self-compassion is not about self-pity, or self-indulgence, or even self-esteem (which is often tied to evaluations of ourselves in comparison to others). Instead it is simply about creating more awareness of your thoughts, emotions, and experiences as a unique individual, who is part of a shared humanity. Recognising you are not alone in feeling this way, and then responding with kindness and acceptance of your flaws. We are all striving to survive, to thrive, to build lives which matter to us, and we all stumble, fall down, and make mistakes sometimes. That’s ok, we’re human. Each time we notice we’re experiencing a challenging time , it’s an opportunity to strengthen our capacity to be accepting of ourselves and acknowledge we are doing the best we can in each moment. The times we perceive ourselves to “deserve it” the least, are often the times we need love and care the most. And who better to treat us with the kindness and compassion that can shift our world than ourselves.
