Diets Don't Work

The science is well and truly in – diets don’t work! While going on a diet may give you results in the short-term, the change is both stressful for the body and unsustainable in the long-term.

If you are above the most healthy and comfortable weight for you, there is nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight. However, it is important you go about it in the right way – to look after your emotional and physical wellbeing and make changes that both work with your lifestyle, and are sustainable.

The number of fad diets and conflicting advice (because it’s a multimillion dollar industry!!) is so confusing it can be easy to be overwhelmed. If it was simply a matter of knowing about nutrition and exercise, there would not be as many people struggling with their weight today. There is much more to the picture, and that is where psychology can help.

Here are my seven top tips (backed by science) for achieving and maintaining your most healthy and comfortable weight:

1. Focus on Healthy Behaviours

Evidence shows that it is healthy behaviours, rather than the achievement of any particular weight, that determines optimal health. So set small goals that fit in to your lifestyle and are in line with your values. 

2. Every Body is Different

Genetics, metabolism, age, gender, hormones, blood chemicals, attitudes, beliefs, past behaviours, how we feel about ourselves and the amount of activity we do all influence our weight. And these variables affect everyone differently. Stop comparing yourself to others, and focus on accepting yourself and achieving the most healthy and comfortable weight for you.

3. Forget About Numbers

There are so many reasons why having a ‘goal weight’ is unhelpful. Aim for specific, individual and sustainable changes in behaviour instead, like increasing your activity or level of mindful eating.

4. Track Your Non-Hungry Eating

Some non-hungry eating is completely appropriate and normal. However for many people, eating in the absence of hunger can be a significant factor contributing to being above their most healthy and comfortable weight. Simply paying more attention to the reasons you are eating can be a powerful step forwards in changing your relationship with food and weight.

5. Ditch the Moral Dimension to Food

There is no such thing as ‘good’ food and ‘bad’ food. Thinking in those terms sets you up for the restrict/binge cycle, adds unnecessary emotional stress and destroys self-love. Instead, think about how your body uses food and work towards establishing what is the most appropriate eating pattern for you.

6. Savour Your Meals

As much as possible, try to sit down and eat your meals and snacks slowly and without distraction. Put your cutlery down between mouthfuls, and treat eating as an opportunity for mindfulness – relishing the sensory properties of your culinary experience!

7. Be Patient 

The journey towards achieving and maintaining your most healthy and comfortable weight can take time. Surround yourself with reliable sources of information, supportive people, and loads of self-compassion. 

If you’re struggling in your relationship with food and your body, a clinical psychologist can support you with the knowledge and skills to help.  

Top Five Self-Care Tips

You can’t always control the circumstances that life throws your way, but you can control how well you take care of yourself. Taking proper care of your body, soul and mind can keep you in optimum shape for handling stress. The following are some important basic self-care strategies that can keep you functioning well and ready for life’s challenges.

1. Get Enough Sleep

Sleep is very important for your emotional and physical wellbeing. Lack of sleep can make it harder to handle stress. Unfortunately, responsibility, worry and stress can make sleep more difficult. CBT can assist with sleep, by helping you to take control of worry, and get through relaxation techniques.

2. Eat Well

Are you too busy to sit down and enjoy a meal? Eating nourishing food regularly can make a big impact on our ability to cope with stress. Eating is important – things like too much caffeine and sugar can contribute to feeling agitated, on edge and nervous. Making time to think about what you would like to eat and taking time to sit down and focus on the experience of eating can do the opposite, helping us to calm our thoughts and remember to live in the present. 

3. Exercise Regularly

Exercise can be great for you physically and mentally. It provides a stress release and keeps your body healthy. It also helps your body release endorphins, which increase your feelings of overall wellbeing. 

 

4. Maintain Your Social Support

Social support is one of the most important buffers against stress. Friends can provide practical help, give you ides and perspectives and listen to you when you really just need to talk. When we are under stress it’s easy to let our social networks dwindle, all we have to do is stop making calls and stop accepting invitations. Building them up again and developing new networks takes more energy but it’s worth it. 

 

5. Find Time For Your Hobbies

With heavy responsibilities hobbies may get moved to the end of the long list of things we need to do. Finding even short periods of time to spend on the activities you have enjoyed in the past is important. You may not be able to find time to attack the whole garden at once, but giving yourself 10 minutes every few days to get a little bit done can improve your mood, so that it feels like you have more time available rather than less.

Make some time that is just for you, doing something that you really enjoy. Take 10 minutes to sit in the sun with the newspaper or make time for a haircut. Remember, improving your mood and coping by looking after yourself is not ‘selfish’, it’s good for you and for those around you.

Four Tips for Building Resilience in Kids

Most parents would love their children to grow up to be resilient. Resilience is associated with being able to bounce back from challenges, cope with stress and express their emotions effectively. However, kids aren’t born with a manual and the overwhelming (and often conflicting) amount of parenting strategies online and from well-meaning friends or family can make navigating this area particularly tough.

Fortunately, we have done the work for you and gathered four strategies that promote resilience:

1. Good enough is good enough

This is one of the most important message for your child to learn, and promotes positive self-esteem. Your child needs to learn that they can impact the world, and that their efforts are good enough.

For instance, if you ask your child to make their bed but then you re-do it because it isn’t neat enough or if you ask your child to do their homework but then you read over it and change their work, ask yourself‘‘What message is my child getting about themselves if I do this?’’ Often the message they receive is ‘’What I’ve done isn’t good enough’’.

Of course doing this once or twice is harmless, but if this is a consistent pattern of ‘re-doing’ chores or ‘re-editing’ work, it can lead children to feel helpless and to stop trying altogether or to feel they are not good enough and promotes perfectionism to try and be ‘good enough’.

2. Listen to your child

It sounds simple enough, but often when we think we are listening to kids we are either problem solving (‘’Have you tried talking apologizing to Emily?’’) or providing reassurance (‘’Don’t worry, this won’t matter next week, it will be fine.’’)

To really listen you need to stop what you are doing and use validating statements (‘’That’s so difficult… you had a hard day….how disappointing, no wonder you look sad.’’) If your child doesn’t want to talk, then just sit with them (rub their back, allow them time to respond, do an unrelated activity together or let them know you care and you’re in the next room if they want to talk it over).

3. Promote problem solving and decision-making

It can often be tempting to problem solve your child’s problems yourself, as it can be quicker and you may have an effective solution. However, this robs your child of the chance to learn one of life’s greatest skills.

Instead, when your child comes to you with a problem ask them ‘’How can we tackle this?’’ Where you can, let them talk and try to come up with their own solutions (no matter how silly!). Your relationship is the safest place in the world for them to experiment and try new ideas. It can help to ask them what they think someone more capable would do (e.g. an adult they know, a friend they admire or a superhero character) and to brainstorm as many ideas in five minutes that they can!

4. Control your own emotional responses

There is no doubt that children often know how to push their parents’ buttons! But it is vital that you learn to control you own emotional responses to their misbehaviour. Children will copy what you do, not what you say, so if you yell, swear, emotionally shut-down or smack, they will pick up on this and copy you when they get upset.

Instead, try to count to 10, leave the situation temporarily (e.g. say you need to go to the bathroom) or talk to an adult about the situation to blow off steam. 

How To Really Listen

Communication is an essential life skill, and is so important in developing and maintaining meaningful relationships. Consciously or unconsciously, we’re constantly sending messages to others in a variety of ways.

Effective listening is an often ignored but absolutely vital skill in relationships, and can be a game changer when it comes to difficult or emotional conversations.

Good listening enhances your relationships, and makes success at work or school more likely. Poor listening sends the message that you don’t care, that you’re not interested in what the other person has to say, or that you’re self-absorbed.

Real listening is more than just being quiet while the other person is talking. It involves four distinct intentions:

·      To understand what the other person is saying, without imposing your own judgments.

·      To enjoy your interaction and appreciate that the person is sharing a part of himself or herself with you.

·      To learn more about the other person, including the person’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions

·      To help, which involves paying particular attention to ways in which you can assist the person or provide support.

LISTENING BLOCKS

Everyone is prone to “listening blocks” that prevent you from really hearing people. Once you become aware of your listening patterns, you can more easily avoid the blocks and become a better listener.

·      Comparing – When you’re busy comparing yourself to people who are talking to you, you’re not hearing them. Instead, you’re trying to figure out if you’re as smart, as good-looking, as funny, as tough, and so on. Regardless of whether you’re making positive or negative comparisons, you’re not focused on hearing the other person. It’s easy to get caught up in how you measure up to others in particular settings or situations. That’s human nature; we can’t help but compare ourselves to others. However, we can bring awareness to noticing when it occurs and then not let it get in the way of listening well.

·      Mind Reading – When you’re mind reading, you’re paying less attention to the actual words people are saying and too much attention their tone of voice and body language in an effort to figure out their thoughts and feelings. For example, you may find yourself imagining what the other person is thinking about you instead of listening to what the person is saying.

·      Rehearsing – It’s tempting to start thinking about crafting your own response to others while they’re still talking. But when you do that, you’re likely to miss out on important information that they’re trying to communicate to you.

·      Filtering – You know you’re filtering if you consistently pay attention to some things more than others. For example, you may be less interested in the content of what others are communicating than figuring out whether they’re in a good mood or a bad mood. Some people filter for material that’s critical of them, some for compliments, some for a particular topic that interests them, and so on. Filtering can also involve excluding some types of information, leading people to listen selectively, ignoring remarks that are of little or no interest to them.

·      Judging – If you’re too quick to pass judgment on people, you won’t hear what they’re actually saying. Be careful not to judge people on their appearance or what you’ve heard about them. Stay open to the content they’re communicating, rather than dismissing them because you have preconceived notions about them.

·      Daydreaming – This is a particularly problematic listening block because when you’re daydreaming, you’re completing focused on other things, not the person in front of you. You won’t be able to make a valuable connection if you’re tuned out.

·      Identifying – This listening block can grow out of a desire to connect about a shared experience. But when you’re too busy focusing on how your experience relates to what others are saying, it starts to become more about you and less about them.

·      Advising – Like identifying, advising is often based on a desire to connect. Unfortunately, it can make others feel like you’re too focused on trying to offer a solution and as though you aren’t allowing them to finish communicating their entire experience of the situation.

·      Arguing – When you’re focused on promoting or defending your opinions and beliefs, it’s difficult to make genuine connections with others. Arguing alienates people because it sends a message that you’re not open to understanding their point of view and what they have to say.

·      Being Right – This listening block is a huge obstacle to connecting with other people. It’s hard to learn from others or grow in terms of your beliefs and feelings if you aren’t open to other people’s opinions.

·      Derailing – This listening block involves quickly changing the topic to avoid criticism or talking about something that makes you anxious or upset. Sometimes people derail conversations by making jokes or distracting comments. Of course, this gets in the way of making a meaningful connection with others.

·      Placating – You may do this is an effort to be liked; agreeing with everything the other person says or does. However, it’s difficult to connect with others if you’re focused on making sure they feel good. If you’re placating, you aren’t tuned in to or examining what the other person is saying.

We all get trapped by listening blocks, whether we do so knowingly or unknowingly. The first step to improving relationships is to bring awareness to the things that are getting in the way of clear communication. What are your primary listening blocks? What are the situations or people associated with them? What situations or places do your listening blocks come up most often?

With practice, you can largely overcome these blocks and become a better listener. This will result in more interesting, satisfying, and meaningful interactions with the people in your life.

This content has been taken from Communication Skills for Teens by Michelle Skeen.

Managing School Refusal

School refusal occurs when your child has significant absences from school due to emotional difficulties such as anxiety or friendship issues. School refusal can result in your child falling behind academically and socially, and can create conflict at home.

When children and teens avoid situations due to anxiety it can make it much harder to give new things a try in the future. Fears are stubborn and they don’t go away until we stand up to them.

The following steps can assist your child getting back to school. Remember, they will still feel nervous going to school, but a certain amount of anxiety in life is normal and we all need to learn how to do things we find unpleasant or difficult. This is how resilience is built.

Gradual exposure

• Develop a ‘stepladder’ from easiest steps (e.g. sitting in the school parking lot with mum for one hour then going home) to hardest (e.g. going to school full time) with your child. This way they are gradually exposed to going back to school and are less likely to be overwhelmed.
• Brainstorm how to break the ultimate goal down into small steps, with each step being a little more difficult than the last. A useful place start with the step-ladder is to work out what your child can already do (e.g they can do half days with no problems).
•  Ask the child to give each step a worry rating (0 – not worried at all to 10 – most worried you’ve ever felt).
• Resist move too quickly up the stepladder – children need to feel confident at each stage before moving up. Repetition is key. It’s also okay if each step doesn’t go perfectly. This teaches your child that even if what they fear were to happen, it isn’t the end of the world.

Rewards 

• Rewards are an incredibly important part of developing a hierarchy. For each ‘step’ your child works on there should be a meaningful reward that you have come up with in collaboration with your child.
• This can be activity based (having a sleepover, getting to choose take-away for dinner, getting to play on the computer for longer than usual, going for a surf with dad) or material based (tokens, favourite snack after school, clothing, make-up, new book, nails done).
•  Remember, you are asking your child to do something they really don’t want to do. It’s like telling them we are going to remove a tooth without anaesthetic. Rewards can soften the fear of going back to school and make compliance with the hierarchy more likely.

Praise them for facing their fears

• Ultimately we want to change how they view of themselves, from someone ‘who has anxiety’ to someone ‘who has anxiety but doesn’t let it get in the way of living their life’ 
• Get your child involved in other activities outside of school to build up their self-esteem and social skills

No technology on days your child stays at home

• For a moment, put yourself in your child's shoes….you find school hard, boring or lonely. Would you rather go to school everyday or stay at home and watch Netflix? Technology can be a huge contributing factor in why it is so hard to get some children and teens back to school. Whilst at home, it is wise to take away their phone, laptop and TV privileges from 8am until 3:30pm.

Toilet Training Toddlers

Toilet training is one of the earliest tasks a child will learn, helping them to demonstrate independence in the early years. Children's successful mastery of toilet training is also a milestone in achieving independence for families. Most importantly, children can take pride in their very real accomplishment of learning to use the toilet just like a grown-up.

Signs of Toilet Training Readiness

• Your child is healthy with no medical condition or medication that could affect bowel or bladder function

• They can go 2 – 3 hour periods of dryness between nappy changes during the daytime

• Your child indicates when he/she is wet or dirty

• Your child shows an awareness of when he/she is doing a bowel or bladder action

• Your child helps with their own dressing and hand washing routines

• Your child shows an interest in the toilet

• They have words for “wee” and “poo”

• Your child can follow simple instructions

• Your child responds to, or understand rewards and/or praise

 

Parents Checklist for Readiness

• It feels like the right time to start toilet training

• I have the time to commit to toilet training

• I have support from family and my child’s other care providers

• I have been able to access resources and equipment that I need to give it my best go

Laying the Foundation

• Setting up the environment: Start talking to your child about going to the toilet. Showing them where the toilet is

• Selecting easy clothing: trousers with elastic waistbands instead of buttons and zips.

• Maintaining consistent communication: Choose the toileting words you’re going to use – for example poo, wee or pee. Work out the procedure together and make sure your child understands. For example, you might say: “When you need to go to the toilet, come and tell me and I’ll help you”.

 

Rewards and Reinforcement

• Praise and rewards are essential to engage your child’s interest and motivation to try again with toileting

• Smile, hug or clapping hands. Use a sticker chart or small treats to reinforce positive behaviour on the toilet.

• Rewards need to be phased out as your child’s level of independence increases

Remember that toilet training takes time. Try and stay consistent with your approach, and know that in time your child will master their ability to go to the toilet on their own.

Managing Emotions

Emotions can be described as a “conscious mental reaction (such as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioural changes in the body”.

Many things such as life events, thoughts, medications, other drugs, foods, physical illness, and spiritual experience trigger emotions.  So, emotions often communicate to us about things happening in our life, whether they are internal events or external ones.

In Mindfulness training there are many strategies for coping with emotions that enhance our distress tolerance when emotions overwhelm us. These strategies are know as Distraction, Self-soothe and Improve the moment.

DISTRACTION

With Activities

• Engage in exercise or hobbies; do cleaning; go to events; call or visit a friend; play computer games; go walking; work; play sports; go out for a meal; have a coffee or tea; go fishing; chop wood; do gardening; play a board game.

With opposite Emotions

• Engage in emotional books, music or movies.  Be sure the experience creates different emotions.  Ideas: scary movies, joke books, comedies, funny records, religious music, upbeat songs, going to a shop and reading funny greeting cards.

With other Thoughts

• Count to 10; count colours in a painting or a tree, windows, anything; work puzzles; watch TV; read.

With intense other Sensations

• Hold ice in hand; squeeze a rubber ball very hard; stand under a very hard and hot shower; listen to very loud music; put rubber band on wrist, pull out and let go.

SELF-SOOTHE

With Vision

• Buy one beautiful flower; make one space in a room pretty; light a candle and watch the flame. Set a pretty place at the table, using your best things, for a meal. Go to a museum with beautiful art.

With Hearing

• Listen to beautiful or soothing music, or to invigorating and exciting music. Pay attention to sounds of nature (waves, birds, rainfall, leaves rustling). Sing to your favourite songs. Hum a soothing tune.

With Smell

• Use your favourite perfume or lotions, or try them on in a shop; spray fragrance in the air; light a scented candle. Put lemon oil on your furniture. Put potpourri in a bowl in your room. Boil cinnamon; bake cookies, cake, or bread. Smell the roses.

 

IMPROVE THE MOMENT

With Imagery

•  Imagine very relaxing scenes. Imagine a secret room within yourself, seeing how it is decorated. Go into the room whenever you feel very threatened. Close the door on anything that can hurt you. Imagine everything going well. Imagine coping well.

With Prayer / Meditation

•  Open your heart to a supreme being, greater wisdom, God, your own wise mind. Ask for strength to bear the pain in this moment. Turn things over to God, a higher being, Mother Nature, or the universe.

With Relaxation

 Try muscle relaxing by tensing and relaxing each large muscle group, starting with your hands and arms, going to the top of your head, and then working down; listen to a relaxation tape; exercise hard; take a hot bath or sit in a hot tub.

Sleeping Well

Are you having trouble falling asleep, getting back to sleep or having difficulty getting up in the morning? If so, you are not alone. Approximately 35% of people report their sleep as ‘poor’ or ‘only fair’.

The benefits of getting a good nights rest are endless. Sleep is associated with having a better mood, lower levels of anxiety and depression, better skin and physical health, as well as improved concentration and driving ability.

On the flip side, having ongoing difficulties with sleep is associated with some pretty nasty consequences. These include memory problems, moodiness, depression, hallucinations and increased risk of type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease.

Fortunately, there are several steps you can take today to improve your sleep:

No Napping

Napping in the day may be satisfying at the time, but often means that you aren’t tired enough to go to sleep at night. Consequently you go to bed late despite the need to get up early for work or school. The next day you may feel exhausted, take a nap, and the cycle continues. The most useful thing you can do to improve your sleep is to get up at the same time each day and to stop napping. Within a few weeks your sleep pattern will improve. If you feel tired then splash your face with water or go outside and stand in a cool breeze. If you have to nap make sure it is before 3pm and less than an hour.

No Caffeine After 3pm

Did you know that although caffeine’s strongest effects are felt 30 minutes after drinking it, it takes 6 hours to leave your system? In fact, research shows that consuming caffeine less than 6 hours before bed reduces sleep by one hour. Caffeine can affect how long it takes to fall asleep and how many times you wake up a night. Remember that caffeine doesn’t just mean coffee. It also includes caffeinated drinks (coke, energy drinks), dark chocolate and some teas (black, green or white tea).

Avoid Watching the Clock

Checking the clock when you are having trouble falling asleep can cause anxiety. You may have thoughts like ‘I’ve been awake for 2 hours now and only have 4 hours till I have to get up!’’. This can make it harder to fall asleep. Remove or cover any clocks in your room at night and keep your phone out of arms reach.

Restrict Use of Technology Before Bedtime

When it starts to get dark, our bodies begin to produce melatonin, which makes us feel sleepy. Often the light from technology(often called ‘blue light’) can disrupt this production of melatonin as it tricks your brain into think it’s still daytime. If you need to use your phone in the evenings, make sure you turn down the brightness and use an app that filters out the ‘blue light’ your phone emits.

Write Down Your Worries

Due to our busy lives, often the time when worries come to surface is at night. Instead of letting worries go round and round in your head like a washing machine, write down your worries as they arise and set aside 30 minutes each day to work through and problem solve them (e.g. at 7 pm in the evening). Make sure you limit your worry period to 30 minutes or less, and that you reward yourself after your worry period (e.g. eat your favourite food or watch your favourite TV show).  It should be noted that excessive rumination (dwelling or worrying about negative events) can be a symptom of depression or anxiety. If you feel this may be the case, it is important to speak to your GP about seeing a psychologist to help you cope.

Remember that that if you have had difficulties sleeping for a number of years, it will take a few weeks or months of adhering to the above advice for your sleep patterns to change. You’re re-training your brain and body. The good news is if you follow the advice mentioned above, it is possible to change negative sleep patterns for good.

Managing Procrastination

Most people have experienced procrastination…putting off work that needs to be

done and instead engaging in more enjoyable activities like watching Netflix,

sleeping, eating, seeing friends or watching paint dry! Procrastination can be

defined as the act of delaying a task, and whilst research shows 95% of people

admit to procrastinating, 20% are deemed chronic procrastinators (Ferrari,

O’Callaghan & Newbegin, 2005). These are people who procrastinate at school, work,

home and in their relationships.

People procrastinate for all different reasons. Some people have a fear of failure

or being criticized for their work, some people feel fatigued or unmotivated

when faced with work and others would just prefer to constantly engage in more

enjoyable pursuits. What all of these reasons have in common is that facing a

task makes you feel discomfort – boredom, irritation, despair, exhaustion or

overwhelmed. We procrastinate because procrastination often initially relieves

this discomfort. We distract ourselves and feel instantly better. The difficulty is,

when we procrastinate too much then the work we have to do piles up and

snowballs, meaning there is a smaller amount of time to do a larger amount of

work and we will feel even worse in the future.

Here are three strategies to help you overcome procrastination:

ACTION BEFORE MOTIVATION:

If you procrastinate, you probably wait for motivation to strike before you begin your task. You

may also realize that motivation rarely strikes. Often we need to take action and then

motivation will come, instead of waiting for motivation to take action. Once you begin a task

(even if you don’t feel like it), your motivation begins to build. For example, once you’ve made

yourself read your essay question and develop a plan for each paragraph, you will probably

find the essay seems less overwhelming, and you will have more motivation to continue

working.

"Once you begin a task (even if you don’t feel like it), your motivation begins to build."

To test this out - Set a timer for 15 minutes on your phone or laptop. Get out the

task you have been avoiding and work on it for 15 minutes straight. After 15

minutes assess whether you want to do another 15 minutes or not. Afterwards,

make sure you give yourself a small reward – you just began your work!

BREAK DOWN A TASK INTO SMALL STEPS:

Often people who procrastinate see the task they to complete as huge and overwhelming.

Examples include needing to clean the whole house, write an entire thesis or essay or prepare

for a massive exam. Often breaking large tasks into small bit-size pieces can reduce how

overwhelmed you feel and can increase satisfaction and motivation when you complete each

step.

"Breaking large tasks into small bit-size pieces can reduce how overwhelmed you feel."

To test this out - Take a task that you have been putting off. Let’s look at an

example. Say you have an English essay due in two weeks. Your steps may be as

follows: Read the question, work out what resources you need, gather resources

from class notes, gather quotes from assigned readings, plan the topic of

paragraph 1, 2 and 3, write paragraph, 1, 2 and 3, write the introduction, write

the conclusion, read over and edit essay and submit to teacher. An overwhelming

task has been reduced to 14 more manageable steps.

BITS AND PIECES:

A common situation with people who procrastinate is that they set aside a chunk of time close

to the deadline to do the whole assignment. When that time comes however, the person often

end ups up feel so overwhelmed by the task at hand that not much work gets done and the

person has often underestimates how much time the task really requires. Often doing work in

bits and pieces is more productive.

"Often doing work in bits and pieces is more productive."

To test this out – For a few days, whenever you have 20 minutes here and an

hour there, try to work on a manageable step of your task, rather than waiting

for a huge chunk of time to get started.

Ferrari, J. R., O’Callaghan, J., & Newbegin, I. (2005). Prevalence of procrastination in the United States, United Kingdom, and Australia: Arousal and avoidance delays among adults. North American Journal of Psychology, 7(1), 1-6.

Grief and Loss

At some point in our lives we may experience losing someone close to us, or we may experience a challenging life event that can cause us to feel a sense of grief.

Grief is our response to loss. It is the normal, natural and inevitable response to loss, and it can affect every part of our life, including our thoughts, behaviours, beliefs, feelings, physical health and our relationships with others.

Grief is an individual experience

Everyone grieves in their own way. Your grief is unique to you, and as long as you are not causing harm to yourself or those around you, there are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ ways to grieve. We do not always know how people are grieving simply by what we see. Some people are open and expressive with their grief, crying, and wanting to talk, whilst others are more private, may be reluctant to talk and prefer to keep busy. Other factors, such as culture, gender and belief systems can also influence the ways that people grieve.

Life grows around grief

It is a common myth that people ‘get over’ grief. The reality is, a part of us will always grieve the loss of our loved one. With time, the pain will lessen, but the sorrow we feel will always be a part of us. When people grieve they are coming to terms with what has changed in their lives. There is no ‘return to normal’; rather, we have to learn to live around a new kind of normal –re-learning the world and re-learning ourselves within it

Strategies to help manage grief

• Keep a diary or journal.

• Create a memorial – do or make something to honour your loved one.

• Develop your own rituals, e.g. light a candle, listen to special music, make a special place to think.

• Allow yourself to express your thoughts and feelings privately. Write a letter or a poem, draw, collect photos, cry etc.

• Exercise – do something to use pent-up energy, e.g. walking, swimming, cycling, gardening.

• Do things that are relaxing and soothing.

• Some holistic or self-care ideas that may assist include meditation, distractions, relaxation and massage.

• To help with sleeplessness: exercise, limit alcohol and caffeine and try to maintain a routine, especially around bedtime.

• Sharing with other people can reduce the sense of isolation and loneliness that comes with grief.

• Allow people to help you; don’t be embarrassed to accept their help. You will be able to help someone else at another time. It is your turn now.

• Talk to family and friends; sharing memories and stories, thoughts and feelings can be comforting and strengthen your connection with your loved one.

Helping Your Teen Manage Mean Girls

Adolescence is a time when belonging and approval from one’s peers becomes paramount, as teenagers individuate from the family unit and develop their own identity.

Unfortunately, when there is so much at stake, the temptation to step over others to get to the top can be all too alluring.

Games of power and control are endemic within adolescent peer groups, particularly for females. Males tend to rely on physical strength or humour to determine the pecking order, whereas the hierarchy amongst girls is established through interpersonal interactions and communication. Social exclusion, gossip, the silent treatment, belittling and conditional friendship are all weapons girls may use to reinforce their own sense of inclusion and value.

Too often I hear statements like: “Girls will be girls” and “It’s just a phase.. they’ll grow out of it”. But the truth is, this kind of behaviour extends all throughout the lifespan! Isn’t it better to help your teenagers learn to cope with the nastiness, so they will be equipped to manage it in adulthood? And why should we accept and normalise this behaviour? Can’t we teach our girls to fight against relational aggression, to create a culture of women respecting women and building each other up?

So what can we do to help teenagers navigate the minefield that is the adolescent social milieu? Here are my top tips:

Breathing For Anxiety

Often when a person experiences anxiety they notice changes in their breathing.

These changes can include breathing faster, feeling a tightening or pain in the

chest area and feeling dizzy or light-headed.

When we breathe, we breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide.

Typically the average person takes about 10-12 breaths a minute. How many

breaths per minute do you take? Set a timer on your phone or laptop, try not to

change your breathing from normal and then count your breaths. One breath is

counted as breathing in and out.

If you’re breathing more than 10-12 breaths per minute you may be subtly

hyperventilating. When we breathe too much air in, the balance between oxygen

and carbon dioxide becomes disturbed. We end up with too much oxygen and

too little carbon dioxide.

If you’re breathing more than 10-14 breaths per minute you may be subtly hyperventilating.

This reduction in carbon dioxide signals to our blood vessels that they are

getting more oxygen then they need. The blood vessels try to help us by

constricting and narrowing so that we don’t get too much oxygen in our brain. A

side effect of this narrowing of the blood vesicles in the brain is that we feel

dizziness or light headed. You may feel like you cannot get enough air in. In fact,

the problem is you have too much oxygen. Although this feeling is unpleasant

and intense, it is completely harmless.

Although for the most part breathing is automatic, the good news is we can also

control it consciously. For instance, think about the fact that you can hold your

breath whilst underwater. The unpleasant (but harmless reaction) will go away

once the levels of oxygen and carbon dioxide are rebalanced.

The following strategies can be useful for reducing hyperventilation:

Building Positive Body Image

Body dissatisfaction has almost become a cultural norm in Western society. Body dissatisfaction is the top ranked issue of concern for young people (Mission Australia, 2016). Body image issues affect people of all ages, and have increased worldwide, especially with the acceleration of technology.

This pervasive problem is concerning, because overvaluing body image in defining ones self-worth is one of the risk factors which makes some people less resilient to eating disorders than others.

Our media culture perpetuates unrealistic and highly edited images of the ‘ideal’ body. We are exposed to 5000 messages per day that reinforce the thin ideal. How do you feel about your body after scrolling through your Instagram feed? Eric Stice’s research has developed a pathway from the media portrayal of the thin ideal to the development of eating disorders. Exposure of the thin ideal in the media leads to the internalization of this message in  80-90% of individuals (whether they’re aware of it or not). Body dissatisfaction then develops as a result of this in 80% of those individuals. It is estimated that 5-6% of the population develop a clinical eating disorder, with body dissatisfaction being the biggest predictor.

People experiencing body dissatisfaction can become fixated on trying to change their body shape, which can lead to unhealthy practices with food and exercise. These practices don’t usually achieve the desired outcome (physically or emotionally) and can result in intense feelings of disappointment, shame and guilt. Ultimately, the endpoint can be an increased risk of developing an eating disorder.

The key to a healthy relationship with your body is a balanced approach to food and exercise

Developing a positive relationship with your body is such a critical process for fostering wellbeing. Here are our top tips for building a positive body image:

Perinatal Wellbeing

Having a baby is one of the most significant events in your lifetime. It affects so many areas of your life, your relationships, and your identity. 

The challenges faced with the arrival of a new baby are seemingly endless - recovering from birth, breastfeeding, lack of sleep, feeling overemotional, coping with an unsettled baby, bonding with your baby, body image, managing priorities, managing advice from others, and relationship dynamics with your partner, friends and family. 

Many women (too often) just brush off negative thoughts or feelings, putting them down to lack of sleep, hormones or 'baby blues'. Many feel pressure to live up to their initial expectations of parenthood, or how motherhood is portrayed in the media. This can be even more difficult when it appears that others are coping and managing. Sadly, many women perceive asking for help as a failure on their part. 

The truth is, becoming parents and parenthood is harder for some than others for a whole range of reasons. It is not your fault. The earlier you seek help, the better. By looking after yourself first, you will be best placed to then nurture the needs of your baby and others, as well as giving yourself the opportunity to have an experience of parenthood which is as positive as it can be.

Here are some signs to look out for that may indicate you could benefit from professional support:

Based on material from the Centre of Perinatal Excellence - www.cope.org.au

Managing Screentime

Children today are growing up in an unprecedented digital age. Certainly there are many advantages afforded by technology, but given our brains are hardwired to become addicted to such devices, unlimited access can be harmful. 

Unsure about how best to navigate electronic device use for your children? Here are some top tips to harness the positives the advent of technology can provide, whilst limiting the adverse impacts. 

Dr. Amanda Hale is the Principal Clinical Psychologist of a practice with locations in Killara and Bondi Junction in Sydney, Australia. She specialises in the assessment and treatment of young people, and is passionate about equipping children, adolescents and their parents with the skills to optimise wellbeing. 

Achieving Those New Years' Resolutions

Do you find you fall into the same pattern around January each year - set some goals with renewed motivation, only to fall back into the same habits and guilt-ridden self-criticism a few months later? What if I told you that the problem was not with you, but with your goal-setting process?

Research shows that extrinsic goals, (those focused on obtaining rewards and the positive evaluation of others) generally reflect a sense of insecurity about oneself, and can also lead one to engage in more stressful, ego-involved and controlled behaviour which does not satisfy one's needs. Intrinsic goals however, (values-based, with focus on the 'why' behind the goal) are inherently satisfying to pursue, and encourage experiences that support happiness and wellbeing.

Has your pursuit of goals to date been lack-lustre, unsatisfying and unsuccessful? If so, it's worth taking some time to clarify the values underlying your goals, making them the major focus instead. Imagine your values as your 'compass', providing the direction you want to travel in, then goals become those landmarks you pass on your journey. 

Dr. Amanda Hale is Principal Clinical Psychologist in a practice that has offices in both Bondi Junction and Killara in Sydney.

Thriving During Year 12

Does the beginning of the school year fill you with excitement or dread?

Especially for those in Year 12, many students can find the prospect of their final year overwhelming. So many of my patients fit in this category, but I'm always excited when Year 12 students come in to see me at the start of the year. That way, we can work together to set them up in a way that not only protects their wellbeing, but sets them on a path to thrive.  

High school pressure can be too much at times. If you, your child, or someone you know is struggling to cope, let them know that there is help available.

Here are 5 Top Tips for Making the Most out of your Final Year at School:

Dr. Amanda Hale is the Principal Clinical Psychologist in a team with offices in Bondi Junction and Killara. The practice specialises in working with children and adolescents, using evidence-based techniques and client-centred care to maximise wellbeing.