Warning Signs Of An Eating Disorder

Eating disorders are serious mental disorders that can have serious long-term medical consequences, and can even be fatal. They are not a lifestyle choice, a phase of adolescence, attempts to eat healthily, or an expression of vanity. Eating disorders are characterised by abnormal or disturbed eating behaviours, which are often associated with extreme concerns about weight, physical appearance and/or eating. Anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa and binge-eating disorder are the most common eating disorders.

While it is still unclear exactly what causes eating disorders, there is growing consensus that they are due to a range of biological, psychological, and sociocultural factors. They can affect people of all ages (including before puberty), genders, religions, ethnicities, body shapes, and weights. Having said that, teenagers and young adults are particularly at risk, and eating disorders are more prevalent in young women.

It is common for people struggling with an eating disorder to try to hide their problem because they feel shame or guilt, or because they do not want to give up their behaviours. This can make it difficult to recognise the signs, particularly early on in the illness.

The earlier an eating disorder is detected, the better the chance of early intervention and successful recovery.

Awareness of some of the warning signs of an eating disorder is therefore very important.

The following signs are not intended to be used as a checklist to determine whether someone has an eating disorder. Symptoms will vary depending on the type of eating disorder being experienced, and an individual with an eating disorder is unlikely to have all of these signs. Rather, they may be used as a guide as to the types of behaviours and symptoms that suggest there may be a problem requiring further investigation.

Signs To Look For That May Indicate An Eating Disorder

• Insecure body image: Strong negative focus on weight, body size and shape, or specific aspects of their appearance. Preoccupation with themselves and/or others as being ‘fat’. A change in clothing style (e.g. wearing baggy clothes) to hide their body.

• Weight changes: Constant changes in weight, or rapid weight loss.

• Excessive exercise: Exercising compulsively (sometimes up to several hours a day), executing a set number of repetitive exercises, and/or becomes distressed if interrupted or unable to exercise.

• Food restriction: Keeping to increasingly strict diets (unrelated to actual weight), avoids specific food groups (e.g. carbohydrates), calorie counting, fasting, skipping meals, or lack of interest in food.

• Ritualistic eating patterns: Cutting food into tiny pieces (and not actually eating much) or careful measuring of food portions are examples of this.

• Cooking for others: Ongoing strong focus on food, recipes, or cooking. Preparing elaborate meals for others, but not joining in the eating.

• Avoiding eating in front of others: Avoids eating in public and finds ways to not eat with family or friends. Avoiding meals or situations where there will be food.

• Overeating/bingeing: Often (secretly) eats large amounts of food and seems to be out of control during these episodes. Eats when not hungry and/or eating to the point of discomfort.

• Eating secretively: This might be noticed by large amounts of food disappearing from the kitchen, having been eaten (e.g. finding empty food containers, packets or wrappers), or being hoarded.

• Purging: Using vomiting, laxatives, diuretics or diet pills in an attempt to compensate for eating. This may be noticed because purging often involves going to the bathroom during, or immediately after, eating.

• Social withdrawal: Becoming isolated, withdrawing from usual social activities, family and friends. This may be more obvious after eating or when others comment on their eating behaviours and/or appearance.

• Physical symptoms: Feeling light-headed, tired/lethargic, and/or easily cold. Changes in sleeping patterns. Girls/women may stop menstruating or develop an irregular cycle.

• Psychological signs: Low self-esteem, anxiety, low mood, irritability and feeling like life is out of control, may also accompany an eating disorder.

If someone you care about is displaying abnormal or disturbed eating habits, is avoiding eating, and/or is anxiously preoccupied with food, body weight or body shape, consider the possibility that they may be struggling with an eating disorder. Let the person know you are concerned about them in a calm, caring and clear manner. While you can be supportive and caring, it is also important that you encourage them to seek help from a trained professional. Consider talking to your GP or paediatrician in the first instance if it is your child you are concerned about.

Further information:

The Butterfly Foundation (https://thebutterflyfoundation.org.au)

Decreasing Daily Worries

Many of my clients come to sessions seeking support for their anxiety. Anxiety can hit people with intense force and leave them feeling overwhelmed and defenseless. But what do we do when we experience smaller niggling worries? When the concerns feel less intense but still insistent? When we don’t feel the need to seek professional support? 

Managing daily stressors helps to prevent worries from building up to become major concerns or anxiety. Read on to learn some strategies on managing your daily worries…

·     Try to pinpoint the worrying thought:Worries can sometimes be the result of half-formed ideas running around in your mind. It can be helpful to specify and then air out the worrying thought. Write down your top five worrying thoughts. Hopefully then the jumble of thoughts can be broken down into a specific worry to be addressed. Also, bringing the worry out into the open can relieve pressure on its own.

·     Look at the evidence:What is the evidence for your worry? Instead of assuming that the worry is true, have a look at the actual evidence. Try writing down on a sheet of paper the evidence for both sides of the argument. What is the probability that your thought is correct? Rate the thought on a percentage scale (0%–100%) in terms of how much you actually now believe it. 

·     Explore the worst possible outcome: What is the worst thing that could happen? Our imagination is usually worse than reality. Imagine walking into a dark deep cave. You might feel frightened because you can’t see what is stretching ahead of you. Imagine turning on a powerful torch, which shines on the walls, showing the limits of the cave. More often than not if we explore the worst possible outcome, we are still be able to manage it better than we think. 

o  E.g. “what if I fail my HSC exams” – 

§  You may be able to get provisions, 

§  You will be able to use previous grades for average, 

§  You will still be able to work towards your goal over time even if that means waiting a year or two – in the context of your entire life this is not very long!

·     Put yourself in somebody else’s shoes:What alternative views are there? How would someone else view this situation? How would your best friend view this situation? What advice would they give?

·     Cost-benefit analysis:What is the effect of thinking the way I do? Ask yourself: How will holding this thought help me and how will it hurt me? List the advantages and disadvantages of holding a particular worrying thought. Are the possible outcomes changed by holding onto the worry?

·     Set aside some ‘worry time’:Set aside a specific time of twentyish minutes as ‘dedicated worry time’. Write down worries as they arise during the day. Then during worry time tackle each worry as a problem to think hard about and solve. If you find yourself worrying at other times during the day, do your best to postpone that worry until the allotted time. Note: make sure not to schedule worry time too close to bed time.

·     Think in shades of grey:Am I thinking in all-or-nothing terms, or seeing things in a black or white fashion? Are you thinking of yourself as either ‘a total success’, or ‘a total failure’? This common style of distorted thinking misses out on the middle ground, the grey area between the black and white. Remind yourself that things are usually somewhere between 0% and 100%, and realistically rate where your worry is on that scale.

·     Visualise yourself in 1, 5 or 10 years:Will this worry matter in ten years’ time? Imagine that you are ten years older and are looking back to this time in your life. How important will this concern be in the long term? 

·     Turn worry into action:Ask yourself: Is there anything that I can do about this? Is there anything I can do to change the situation? Make a list of the things you could do. 

·     Distract yourself: If you have reached the conclusion that there is nothing that you can do, then distract yourself with something else. Our minds only have a limited capacity so if you start thinking about something else you can crowd out those worrying thoughts. Try messaging a friend, going for a walk, listening to music, looking at nice pictures, lighting a candle or colouring in.

·     Bring yourself back to the present moment:worrying can take you away from enjoying the present moment and make you miss out on things that are important to you. If you have tried all of the above tips and you are still having a difficult time with worrying – get out of your mind and back to the present moment . A nice way to do this is to use all of your 5 senses. Try and find 5 yellow things you can see, 4 things you can physically feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. The more difficult the better!

Remember:You have been through really hard things before and you have come out the other side. Worries will always come and go, but you have the tools to not let them rule your life.

Talking To Your Teen About Suicide

I have a lot of parents contact me following a suicide, looking for guidance about how to best support their teenager cope with such a tragedy.  The impact such an event has on family, friends, the school and local community is enormous. This can be a difficult conversation to have, so I’ve put together some talking points for navigating such an event. 

1. There is No Right Way to Grieve

• Some people might be very upset, some confused, some indifferent, and some unsettled. Everyone grieves in their own individual way. Common reactions include shock, disbelief, mood swings, guilt, anger and anxiety. 

• As everyone responds differently to grief, some individuals may want to talk about it, some may appear to be unaffected, some may withdraw and appear distant. All are normal responses. 

2. Grief Has Its Own Timeline

• It’s not uncommon for individuals to continue to experience ups and downs over weeks or months while dealing with grief.

• Most young people going through grief do not require professional support. However, if you are concerned about ongoing difficulty in a young person’s mood, thoughts or behaviour, it’s important to seek additional support. 

3. Start A Conversation About Suicide

• Many parents worry that talking directly about suicide, or asking if their child has ever had thoughts about suicide might plant ideas – this is not the case. 

• Talk about how mental health conditions like depression, eating disorders and anxiety can make someone think that suicide is the only way out. Talk about how this is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and that there are effective treatment options available.

• Ask your child if they have ever had thoughts of suicide.

• Make it clear that you are always available to help and listen without judgment to any difficulties they may be having, and that they are never alone. Ask if there is anything you can do to make it easier for your teenager to talk to you about how they are feeling. 

4. Be Available And Supportive

• Encourage your young person to stay connected to friends and activities

• Provide some information about the nature of grief

• Validate how painful this must be for them, and allow them to take time to grieve

• Let them know you are available and willing to talk openly and honestly about how they are feeling

• Ask how you can best support them

• Check in from time to time to ask how they’re feeling

• Try and organise some fun activities to do together

• Don’t try and minimise their experience by saying things like “It’s not that bad” or “It’s time to move on”.

• Anticipate dates that might be particularly difficult (e.g. birthdays, anniversaries) and try and come up with a plan to manage them.  

• Explore ways of expressing grief that may resonate with your child – e.g. journaling, memorials, photos etc.

In summary, by understanding the nature of grief, having patience with the process, not being afraid to have difficult conversations and being available for your teenager, you will be meeting their needs as they go through a difficult time. 

If you are concerned and think your young person may need additional support, you can:

1.    Contact the Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800), Lifeline (13 11 14) or eHeadspace (eheadspace.org.au)

2.    See your local GP

3.   Talk to your School Counsellor  

The Power of the Pen: Journaling for Mental Health

Effective journaling usually involves keeping a diary or journal exploring the thoughts and feelings associated with events in your life. When done well, it can lead to various forms of self-awareness and clarity that can have significant positive effects in a range of areas, including with mental health challenges such as depression, anxiety, PTSD and stress.

Some ways that effective journaling has positive impacts include:

·       Increasing your self-awarenessof thoughts and emotions towards different situations, and so clarifying the connections between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. This allows you to take more control over your life, and put things in perspective.

·       Teaching you about your triggersthat lead to negative experiences.

·       Identifying problematic thought patterns(e.g. negative automatic self-talk) so you can combat them and let them go. This can help you to shift from a negative mindest to a more positive one.

·       Calming and clearing your mind. Self-awareness, action and change are promoted by reducing the swirl of thoughts, worries or rumination.

·       Providing an opportunity for you to release pent-up negative emotions. This can help you to process what you are feeling and perhaps even start to look at more positive perspectives. Or, when exploring positive experiences, you can maximise and savour these. 

·       Use as a problem-solving tool. You might find it easier to hash out a problem and come up with solutions on paper (e.g. working through options, considering multiple possible outcomes, or examining pros and cons).

·       Helping you reduce specific sources of stress.

·       Helping you reach an important goal.

·       Increasing your understanding of your struggles and your successes.

·       Tracking your progress in achieving change and recording your journey.

Effective Journaling Tips

Effective journaling is more than just downloading all your thoughts onto a page. To promote effective journaling, you might like to consider some of the following:

·       Write at least once a day and for a set amount of time (around 5 minutes is a good starting point). Time yourself.

·       Write somewhere that is comfortable, private and free from distractions. Using a book and pen you like can help.

·       Don’t pressure yourself to journal about anything specific. Rather, write about what feels right in the moment.

·       If you’re struggling to get started, think about what is going on in your life, and explore your current thoughts and feelings. Consider what you are currently trying to achieve or what you are avoiding.

·       Write in any form or structure that you like. 

·       Try to write in the present tense (e.g. starting with wording like “At this moment…”, or “Today…” might help). 

·       Start sentences with “I” statements (e.g. “I feel…”, “I think…”, or “I want…”).

·       Take some time to reflect after writing. Read over what you have written, take a moment to be still and calm (maybe practice some calm breathing or mindfulness), and write a couple of sentences about what you notice or feel, and any actions you would like to take. 

·       Keep your journal private. You should be the only audience.

But, most importantly, effective journaling is personal and different approaches and styles work for different people. Find what works for you and explore your inner world.  Remember that if life gets in the way, and you don’t journal as often as you would like, you can get back to it at any time. You may be surprised at the benefits of even occasional journaling.

Where Did My Libido Go?

Lost that feeling of wanting to rip your partner’s clothes off, and wondering if there’s something wrong with you?

Our interest in and willingness to have sex changes from day to day, week to week, year to year. 

The meaning and importance of sex is different for everyone, but it can often play an important role in connectedness and intimacy in relationships. A loss of sexual desire can impact upon how close we feel to our partner, and can trigger negative patterns of communication and action.

If you’re concerned about a loss in sexual desire or arousal, take yourself through the following points to see if you get a clearer picture about what might be going on.

Sources of Sexual Desire

1.    Neurological System (the brain and nervous system) – This sets your baseline sex drive level. Your sexual appetite is then either turned up or down depending on activity in other brain areas. 

2.    Hormonal System – Age, medical conditions, medication, menstruation, pregnancy and breastfeeding all influence hormone levels which can change sexual desire.

3.   Physical Wellbeing – Pain, sickness, fitness, alcohol consumption, fatigue and medication can all influence sex drive. 

4.    Personal Wellbeing

-      Thoughts and Feelings: The kind of thought patterns going on for you, and the emotions that you’re experiencing, can either make sex and intimacy more or less likely. Body image, self-esteem, and emotional wellbeing are all key contributors.

-      Lifestyle and Environment: Privacy, time, work/life balance, comfort and general life satisfaction are all important elements that provide the foundation for sexual desire or a lack of it. 

5.    Relationship Wellbeing – How close do you currently feel to your partner? What are your conversations like? Do you feel supported and listened to? Do you have fun together? Is there adequate trust, commitment and acceptance? Intimacy and satisfaction within your relationship are prerequisites for desire and arousal. 

After taking an inventory, you may have identified one or two (or more!) variables that may be responsible for your sexual desire suffering. The good news is, by working on these, it is possible to resurrect your drive. If you need help getting back on track, a clinical psychologist can help support you reclaim your libido. 

Boosting Mood: A call to action!

There is abundant research showing that changing what we do every day can change how we feel. But when your mood is low it can be difficult to imagine doing much, as your energy and motivation are often low too. Low mood can stop you from doing many of the things you used to enjoy – the very things that could boost your mood – and cause you to avoid everyday tasks and responsibilities. For example, you might avoid socialising as you don’t feel up to it, or you might sit in a house surrounded by mess as you can’t find the motivation to clean up.

By reducing your activity level you no longer get the positive experiences, pleasant feelings and sense of purpose and accomplishment from doing things. You can feel overwhelmed by the mounting pile of unfinished tasks. Your energy and motivation can suffer. Life may no longer seem like fun.

In this way you can get stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle of decreased activity and low mood. Happily, simply by increasing your level of positive activities and experiences, even by doing small things, you can start to fight depression and boost your mood. By doing things you can start to feel like you are moving forward, are competent, and that you are taking control of your life. You can think about different things, think more clearly, and start to enjoy what you’re doing. Being active will also help to increase your energy and combat your lethargy.

While this appears to be a simple recipe for success, it can only be achieved if you do it in a manageable and realistic way.

Key steps towards being more active and tips for success

1. Start Small

When your mood is low it is a good idea not to aim too high when you first start increasing your activity level. The idea is to start doing things, and gain a sense of achievement. If you start with easier activities and build up to a goal you are more likely to succeed. For example, you might start by walking around the block and build up to walking a kilometre. You can also break activities down into smaller steps or ‘chunks’ so that they are more manageable and less overwhelming. For example, if the idea of cleaning the bathroom is too daunting, you could start by cleaning the sink or changing the towels. Sometimes it is easier to aim to do an activity for a set amount of time, rather than to achieve a particular outcome. For example, aim to iron for 10 minutes rather than to iron all the shirts.

2. Write a list of activities you feel you could do.

Identify a range of activities, including some fun, enjoyable activities (for example, having a bath, reading a book, phoning a friend, going to the beach), and some tasks that need to be done (for example, paying a bill, doing some chores, doing some gardening). These latter activities will give you a sense of achievement and allow you to start to feel more in control. Choose activities that are enjoyable and/or important. This way they are more likely to be rewarding and it will be easier to motivate yourself to do them. As you build up your activities it can be helpful to choose activities that fulfil something that is of value to you, in areas of your life such as relationships, physical health, or work. For example, you might identify being a supportive friend as something you value, in which case phoning or sending a card to a friend who is going through a difficult time would be an activity that would be in line with this value.

3. Plan to complete each activity at specific times.

By choosing a specific time to do an activity, and putting this on a calendar or planner, you will be more likely to do it. Doing this on a weekly basis will make it more manageable and also means you can adjust the activities as you modify your goals.

4. Involve others in your planned activities.

If you feel accountable for completing your activities, you will be more likely to do so. This could simply mean letting someone else know about your plan, or could involve someone more directly. For example, arranging to go for a walk or see a movie with a friend will provide more motivation to do these activities.

5. Measure your mood.

Rating (on a scale of 0-10) your mood/depression, feelings of enjoyment and sense of achievement before and after completing a planned activity will help you to notice the effect of completing activities on your mood. This may contribute to making you feel better and keeping you motivated.

By increasing our activity levels, we can feel more positive, focused and accomplished, and have more energy. So, don’t wait to feel better before getting active. Now is the time to get back the activities you used to enjoy and start emerging back to happiness, focus and motivation.

Tips On Growing Closer To Your Partner

In my last blog, I described some useful techniques for communicating effectively in relationships (please read below). Continuing along this theme, this month I will be describing some effective tools to maintain closeness within your relationship. Whether you are a new couple or you have been together for many years, there is always room to grow closer. Keep reading for some simple yet effective ideas for growing closer to your partner.

1. Accept your similarities and differences

Accepting that our partners are different from ourselves is important. Think about your partners’ interests, skills, likes, dislikes, personality, values, and temperament. If you find yourself wanting to change any of these things about your partner, try instead to think about all of the reasons these attributes attracted you to them in the first place. Reflect on how these differences help you to learn and grow as an individual and together in your relationship.

2. Encourage and compliment pleasing behaviour

Let your partner know how much you appreciate it when they empty the dishwasher or leave their shoes outside. Comments like this mean that your partner is more likely to engage in this behaviour again, and also helps them to feel appreciated and noticed.

3. Improve physical intimacy

Growing closer physically is just as important as growing closer emotionally. Physical intimacy and sex improves both physical and emotional closeness in relationships. There is no such thing as a ‘normal’ sexual relationship, but there is always space to grow closer through physical intimacy. Try some of these tips to enhance your physical intimacy:

• Even if it can feel awkward, communicate! Talk about what you do and don’t like, your needs, and what you might like to try. Think about looks, clothes, touching, kissing, stroking, manners, environment, sexual acts, foreplay, or after sex.

• If one or both of you are experiencing lowered libido, focus instead on the sensations of touch. Spend time just touching and stroking each other, use a massage oil. Resist the temptation to engage in intercourse, climax or touch each others’ genitals. Just enjoy the feeling of their skin touching yours, and the feelings of physical closeness

4. Be spontaneous

Being spontaneous and making decisions on a whim can help bring excitement and vitality in your relationship. Engaging in new experiences together also enhances feelings of closeness. The next time you both get home from work, instead of having dinner at home - why not take it to the local park instead? Some other ideas you might like to try together could include:

• Going for a walk

• Going camping

• Having a bath

• Cooking a special meal

• Going to a movie

• Playing a card game

• Painting

• Dancing in the kitchen

• Giving each other a massage

• Playing a game of tennis

5. Set aside time to go on a date

If being spontaneous is tricky, prioritise spending time together by making plans to go on a date. These plans should be put into your schedule and stuck to, just in the same way going to work would be. They are plans that can’t be broken and should be put above everything else. Try any of the ideas above, or:

• Go for a drive to the hills

• Visit an arcade

• Go to a museum or art gallery

• Visit a trampoline park

• Take a class together

• Watch the sunset

• Visit a farmers’ market

• Go for a bike ride

• Play mini golf

• Visit an observatory

• Make a homemade pizza

6. Demonstrate acts of appreciation

You chose to be with your partner for a reason – remind them and yourself why that is. Showing your affection though acts of kindness can improve your bond and remind yourself why you got together in the first place. Try any of the following acts of appreciation:

• Kiss or touch when saying goodbye or returning

• Surprise them with a note or card

• Ask them about their day and discuss what happened

• Plan a night out for them

• Compliment them on their appearance

• Cuddle them and be affectionate without sex

• Touch hands when talking or walking

• Make your partner a cup of tea or a drink

• Ask them for advice

• Tell them during the day when something reminds you of them

• Look after your partner when they are unwell

• Joke with them, be playful

• Do your fair share of work around the home

• Ask about their personal feelings and problems

• Make them a playlist of their favourite songs

• Buy them a book you think they would love

Why You Shouldn't Be A Perfect Parent

Parenting is an incredibly important and demanding job that can seem overwhelming considering the level of responsibility involved.  Holding my newborn baby I was struck by a combination of awe and fear – how can I possibly be strong enough, wise enough, patient enough and energetic enough to be the parent this incredible being deserves?

Research consistently emphasises the importance of secure attachment between caregiver and child in promoting emotion regulation, mental health and positive relationships later in life.  

Knowing the momentous role parenting plays, I became acutely aware of the internal and external pressures to be a perfect parent. As a psychologist, I knew that I had to manage this so that the pursuit of perfection didn’t negatively impact upon my parenting. 

The Unhelpful Consequences of Pursuing Perfection

·     Anxiety – Working hard to achieve perfection and worrying about whether or not you’re doing it right isn’t going to help your child feel more secure. It only creates a state of mind that children pick up on. Children pay attention to our actions, but they pay more attention to the state of mind behind our actions. Secure parenting is about being relaxed, and trusting that we’re good enough.

·     Mindset - We view mistakes as problematic examples of our lacking ability, rather than lessons for our children and ourselves that cement security and facilitate good relationships. It’s not avoiding ruptures that promotes healthy psychological development but being sure to make repairs. Repair simply means acknowledging that we made a mistake and then returning to “good-enough” parenting once more. In this way, you’re helping your child develop a resilient sense of self that trusts mistakes are a normal part of genuine relationships. 

·     Shame and Guilt – Inevitable consequences of expecting perfection. This can take the form of berating ourselves, or pretending we don’t make mistakes and finding someone else to blame (our children, our partner, our upbringing). Blame has never helped a parent become a better parent.  

·     Modelling – We unintentionally communicate to our children that perfection is important, setting up an unrealistic and unhelpful framework for navigating life and relationships.  

·     Shifts the focus from “being” to “doing” – the pressure to “get it right” requires constant doing – managing behaviour, reading up on parenting techniques, and so on. “Being with” our children, focusing on their needs in the moment, allows the sensitive attunement and responsiveness most important to building secure attachment. Being-With means sitting still – not trying to change your child’s experience but accepting it and showing that you’re here with them in it as another human being who struggles with similar feelings. 

More important than the parenting approach we take, is who we are and how we feel as we make that choice. It is our intention to do what’s best for our children that matters. 

Modelling perfection and the pursuit of it does not promote healthy development. Our children don’t need perfection. They need to trust in our commitment to their legitimate needs.

What Promotes Secure Attachment?

·     Calm, responsive confidence 

·     Relaxing into bonding with your child

·     Underlying positive intentionality  

I’ve found that asking myself these questions when I’m feeling overwhelmed or anxious can help ground myself in what my daughter needs from me, rather than worrying about getting it right:

o  “Is this about your need to be a good parent or about your child’s actual need in this particular moment?”

o  “Are you so anxious that you’re doing whatever you’re doing to make sure you don’t do it wrong, or are you focusing on what is actually needed here?”

The take away message is that pursuing perfection creates anxiety, takes the focus away from what’s most important for developing secure attachment, and provides unhelpful role modeling. So trust in yourself, focus on being-with your child, and meet mistakes with kindness, understanding and compassion!

3 Essential Skills for Healthy Communication in Relationships

Communication is key to any significant relationship in life, whether it be communicating with your significant other, child, sibling, parent or friend. All relationships come with their ups and downs, but refining your communication skills can help strengthen your bond, and make it easier to manage conflict.

Healthy communication may also prevent unnecessary conflict from arising in the first place. Communicating effectively can be broken down into three key components:

1. Listen

2. Express

3. Accept

1. Listen

Listen – really listen – to what the other person is saying. Effective listening is an active, not passive, skillset made up of a number of parts. The quality of your listening greatly affects the nature of the communication from the person speaking to you. Some important skills to keep in mind when actively listening include:

·     Look at the person when they are speaking

·     Be encouraging – nod your head, say “yes” and “hmm”

·     Be patient and refrain from interrupting 

·     Try not to excessively question, and if you must do so, use open-ended questions. Try asking “how do you feel about that?’ instead of saying “do you feel sad?”

·     Rather than attempting to offer solutions and solving problems, really just listen 

·     After closely listening to the person, reflect back, paraphrase and validate their emotions and meanings, eg, “It sounds like (situation) has been really difficult for you, its understandable that you might feel (emotion)”

2. Express

Being able to express how you feeland what you think(two individual matters) is crucial in communicating effectively. There are certain communication spoilers, which can have a negative impact on expressing yourself in a helpful way. Try to keep the following in mind: 

·     Be positive - stay away from judging, blaming, name calling or criticising the other person

·     Use specificstatements that label a person’s behaviour(nottheir character), the way that behaviour impacts your feelingsand why

o  “I feel [emotion], when you [specific behaviour], because…”

o  E.g. instead of saying “You’re so messy!” try “I feel disrespected when you leave your socks on the floor because keeping our home tidy is very important to me”

o  Sometimes it may be difficult to articulate why you feel a certain way due to the other persons behaviour, that’s ok, in that instance still try “I feel[emotion]when you[specific behaviour]”

·     Try to choose a time when you are not feeling overwhelmed or tired so that you are more likely to express yourself accurately

3. Accept

Accept the other person’s opinions and feelings even when - perhaps especiallywhen - they are different from your own. Relationships are healthiest when both sides are able to openly and assertively express themselves (read my previous blogs for assertive communication tips). 

It is critical to understand that your partner/child/sibling/parent/friend will never be exactly the same as you in the way they feel or think about things. This is what makes relationships fun and interesting! Accepting who they are and tolerating the differences, and the occasional resulting frustration, is an essential key for relationships to flourish

5 Point Plan for Parents with Children in Therapy

First of all – congratulations for being a proactive parent and seeking extra support for your child! We know how challenging the journey can be. As a heads-up from us, these are the things you’ll want to know when your child engages in therapy. 

1.    Your child is the client, not you

Ok there’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to come out with it. I know, I hear you, you’re the one paying for sessions. But here’s the thing. Unless your child trusts us and feels comfortable and safe talking to us, we’re not going to get anywhere. 

2.    You’re on a need-to-know basis

(At least initially). You will always be informed if there is any risk to your child or anyone else. 

3.    We want you involved

Let’s face it, we might be with your child for one hour a week for a while, but you’re doing the long hours day in, day out. We want you trained as the therapist at home. Involvement can take different forms, depending on what works for you and your child. 

4.    Change doesn’t happen overnight

Think about how long it has taken to train your partner (or is that still a work in progress?). Behaviour is complex and takes time and practice to change. 

5.    You can’t fix this for your child

Now this is the hard bit. Take a breath and hold yourself gently. You can’t take away their pain. Sometimes the most you can do is be with your child in their distress, tell them you love them, and listen to them. That’s tough to accept. But think of it this way – pain is an inevitable part of life. This is an opportunity for your child to develop the resilience to manage difficulty, increasing their capacity to cope.

You’re the expert in your child, we have expertise in the skills that can take them towards wellness. Together, we can form a powerful team.

Kids and Bullying

It’s never okay to bully someone. Some think that name calling is okay and we should just shrug it off. However, I have had clients in their 70’s and 80’s vividly recalling names they were repeatedly called when they were children. These mean, nasty words can stick. When I was a child you could feel safe from the bully when you arrived home from school but that’s not the case today. In today’s world our kids are not only bullied in the playground but they’re bullied 24 hours a day via the internet and mobile phones. 

There are four main types of bullying:

1.    Verbal bullying - includes name calling, teasing, insults and intimidation

2.    Physical bullying - includes pushing, hitting, tripping, pinching, and damaging or taking the victim’s belongings

3.    Social bullying - includes spreading rumours, excluding the victim from peer groups, and playing nasty pranks on the victim

4.    Cyber-bullying - uses the internet or mobile phones to harass or intimidate the victim. This includes sending nasty or threatening messages/emails, prank calling the victim, sending private messages/photos/emails of the victim to others, being deliberately ignored on social media, or posting mean or nasty comments or pictures on social media

Cyber-bullying is on the rise. A recent survey found that 1 in 10 Australia adolescents reported being cyber-bullied. This same survey found that 1 in 4 students had been bullied by their peers in one form or another. 

As a parent I know how awful and powerless it feels to discover your child has been the victim of bullying. You can also feel guilty for not noticing that your child had been bullied earlier rather than finding out after the bullying had become well and truly entrenched. 

If you notice your child suddenly becomes unwell on a frequent basis, is increasingly irritable, is reluctant to go to school, their grades have dropped, has changed friendship groups, has nightmares or trouble sleeping, or unexplained cuts and bruises, there’s a chance they may be being bullied. These signs may indicate another concern, so the first thing to do is to talk with your child. They may resist this as they feel embarrassed or uncomfortable but trust your instincts. If they won’t talk with you, talk with their school.  If they do talk with you, listen calmly. 

Reassure your child they haven’t done anything wrong. Notify their teacher so the school can take action to prevent it from occurring in the future. Discuss ways your child can avoid being bullied such as playing in a different area, staying near the teacher, avoiding being alone. Help your child come up with solutions rather than giving them the answer. This will help with their problem-solving skills and may create a sense of mastery over the situation. Help your child see the consequences for any action they take. For example, confronting a bully and calling them names make things worse, but telling the bully that what they doing is not okay may ease things.  If bullying is happening online, contact the website administrators as most of them have anti-harassment policies. 

Lastly, lets teach our children not to stand back and watch someone being bullied. Let the bully know that it is not okay to behave that way. When they see someone bullying another they can calmly say “that’s not cool” to the bully and invite the victim to play with them. Bullies often put down others in order to inflate their self-esteem. By taking away their sense of power, you have taken away their incentive to bully that person.

Our main priority should be to help our children feel safe and secure. Keeping a level head when you speak to your child will help reinforce they did the right thing by talking with you. It will also help reassure them they can come to you in the future with other problems.

Changing Your Relationship With Unhelpful Thoughts

Do you find yourself getting caught up in your thoughts and letting them control how you behave? 

This happens to all of us, and reflects our tendency to experience our thoughts as the truth, or facts. When we get this attached or ‘fused’ to our thoughts, they become a powerful force that dominates our choices and actions. This is particularly problematic when our thoughts are negative. Typically this involves labelling and judging ourselves, others and situations in a global, and unhelpful, way.  For example, thoughts such as ‘I’m going to fail’, ‘they’re judging me’ or ‘I’m not good enough’. 

While these thoughts are not problematic in themselves, when we get caught up in them and ‘buy into’ them, they can take control of our life and actions, and stop us from seeing other possibilities.

‘Cognitive defusion’ is all about recognising that thoughts are just thoughts. This does not mean that they cannot be emotional, factual or helpful. But viewing thoughts as simply images or words that pass through our mind allows us to see that they can only take on meaning or power if we let them. We don’t have to act on our thoughts, however compelling or urgent they may seem. Your thoughts do not have any power over you – it is your choice to engage with them, or ‘unhook’ from them.

A way of conceptualising this is to use your hands as a metaphor for your problematic thoughts. Place your hands in your lap, side-by-side with the palms facing upwards. Now bring your hands up to your face and cover your eyes so you can only catch glimpses of the world through your fingers. Notice how hard it is to see anything other than your hands (thoughts), how they dominate your view of the world and how cut-off you are from other inputs. This represents your fusion with your thoughts. Imagine how limiting it would be to walk around like this every day. Now, as you slowly return your hands to your lap notice how, as the distance between your eyes and hands/thoughts increases, you can take in more information and connect with your environment, enabling a choice of actions. This represents the defusion process. Note that your hands/thoughts are still there and available if they are needed, they are just not dominating your experience. You can take some space from your thoughts and consider other inputs, choices and actions.

Cognitive defusion is all about taking distance from, looking at and simply noticing your thoughts and thinking processes. This prevents you from getting caught up in your thoughts and allows you to make more objective decisions about how you would like to act. 

Some ways to practice defusion

Do your unhelpful thoughts seem as powerful or painful after trying these?

1. Notice the thought

Take your thought and put the phrase “I’m having the thought that…” or “I notice I am having the thought that…” before it. For example, instead of saying “I’m worthless” say “I notice I am having the thought that I am worthless”. This creates some space between you and your thought and changes your relationship with the thought.

2. Say it differently

Take your thought and say it slowly or in a silly (e.g. chipmunk) voice. 

3. Pop-up thoughts

Envisage your unhelpful thoughts as internet pop-up ads. Imagine closing the pop-up windows.

4. Thank your mind

When your mind presents you with a negative or painful thought, say “thank you mind”, perhaps even using a slightly sarcastic tone.

5. Mindful watching

Mindfulness (see the earlier blog on this) involves quietly observing your thoughts without judging them. Try doing this for a few minutes, noticing when you judge a thought or try to control your thoughts, and then gently bringing your attention back to observing your thoughts as they come and go. Imagining your thoughts as passing leaves on a stream, clouds floating past in the sky, or trains coming and going in a station can help you to focus on mindful watching without ‘fusing’ with the thoughts.

6. Passengers on the bus

Imagine you are driving a bus (your life journey) and your thoughts are passengers. Some of the passengers are lovely, but many of them are difficult and noisy, and even try to tell you how to drive the bus. You can try to control the passengers or argue with them, or you can realise that the passengers can’t make you do anything. You can focus on driving the bus towards your destination, stopping when and where you choose to.

Emotional Eating: The Signs and What to do

Do you tend to reach for ice cream when you’re feeling down? Drive to pick up some fast food after a stressful day? Order a pizza when you’re feeling bored or lonely? Do you eat when you’re not hungry or when you’re full? Do you feel out of control around food? Does food make you feel safe?

Emotional or stress eating occurs when you are not hungry to fulfill another need. You may be eating to satisfy unpleasant emotions, or relieve stress or boredom. This blog will help to identify the signs that you may be eating for one of these reasons, and what to do about it if so. 

The Signs of Emotional Eating

Emotional hunger:

·     Comes on suddenly and can feel urgent and overwhelming

·     Often leads to guilt, shame or regret

·     Will keep you wanting to eat more and more

·     Will typically lead to mindless eating

·     Will have you craving specific or comforting foods

·     Is not located in the stomach

After eating to relieve guilt, stress, boredom, or intense emotions you tend to feel worse. You have not been able to remedy the original emotional issue, and you may have eaten more than you anticipated. Using food to celebrate or reward yourself occasionally is not always a bad thing. However, using food as your primary coping strategy leaves the original issues unaddressed.  But don’t fear! There are three key steps to taking the power back over emotional eating.

Steps to Reduce Emotional Eating

1.    Begin with identifying your emotional eating triggers. Some common triggers include:

·     Eating as a way to temporarily silence or push down strong emotions

·     Eating to relieve boredom, loneliness or fill an empty void 

·     Eating as a reward for good behaviour

·     Eating driven by childhood nostalgia

·     Eating driven by stress

·     Eating because everyone around you is eating

2.    Once you have identified your triggers for emotional eating, you need to find other ways to fulfill the emotions that eating is trying to satisfy. Some alternatives to emotional eating include:

·     Eating as a way to push down strong emotions: instead try and notice the thoughts and feelings that are coming up for you, instead of pushing them away. Check in with what is going on for you emotionally. The thoughts or feelings may be uncomfortable, but they are there to indicate that something important is happening in your life. Let these emotions be there, experience them fully, know that they will become less intense, and will always eventually pass.

·     Eating driven by boredom, loneliness or emptiness: instead try reading a book, exploring nature, calling someone you care about, patting an animal or visiting a pet store, looking at beautiful pictures, or doing something creative.

·     Eating as a reward for good behaviour: treat yourself to something else such as a trip to the beach, going to a movie, buying a magazine or getting a manicure or haircut.

·     Eating driven by childhood nostalgia: instead look at old photographs, make a scrapbook, do a drawing, colour something in, do a jigsaw puzzle, call close relatives like a sibling, aunty or cousin, cuddle a childhood blanket or soft toy, read a favourite book from your childhood, or smell a familiar perfume or candle.

·     Eating driven by stress: instead try calming activities like taking a hot bath, having a cup of tea, lighting candles, colouring in, doing a jigsaw puzzle, curl up in a warm blanket, or do some yoga or meditation.

·     Eating because everyone around you is eating: remove yourself from the situation if you are able, otherwise hold something in your hand like a glass of water, and engage in meaningful conversation with those around you.

3. Practice Eating Mindfully

Have you ever sat down with a bag of chips or a block of chocolate and before you know it, without realising, the whole thing is gone? It is likely that your mind is preoccupied with other things when you are eating due to stress, boredom, or unpleasant emotions. Mindfulness is the opposite of automatic pilot mode. It is about experiencing the world that is firmly in the here and now. Mindful eating will help to remind you to remain in the present moment, and enjoy the experience of eating that will more reliably alert you to becoming full. Some tips for eating mindfully include:

·     Reflect upon how you are feeling right now

·     Sit and appreciate your food without multi-tasking

·     Turn off anything with a screen – phone, television, kindle or computer

·     Serve out all of your meal into a portion on your plate instead of eating food straight out of a box – you will get to see how much you are actually eating and appreciate it more because it is not hidden away

·     Pick a smaller plate to serve your portion – you may crave less food if you see less

·     Give gratitude – either mentally or in person to how the food appeared in front of you. Did someone you care about create it? Or was it farmers, labourers, animals or mother nature? Take a mindful moment to consider how this food was made for you to enjoy

·     Try to chew each bite at least 10 times and make it last

·     Between each bite put down your knife and fork until you have swallowed each mouthful

·     Don’t feel like you have to clear your entire plate – consider the joy of having leftovers tomorrow. Many of us were taught we must clear the plate due to others in need – however in that particular moment feeling uncomfortably full won’t help anyone

·     Try and eat your meal in silence. Acknowledge any thoughts that come to mind (and there will be plenty) and just gently bring your attention back to your meal. Notice the colours, textures, smells, any sounds, tastes and observe them with purposeful curiosity. Investigate these sights, sounds, smells, tastes and textures as if you have never experienced the food before, or if you were to describe it to someone else who has never experienced it before. 

Exercising Our Mental Health

Regular exercise plays an important part in sustaining good physical and mental health. Most people are aware that activity leads to a decreased risk of diabetes, obesity, cancer, and heart disease. However, regular exercise also plays a pivotal role in sustaining good mental health. It can relieve stress, improve your memory, boost your overall mood, as well as positively impacting anxiety and ADHD. 

While you are exercising, your brain produces chemicals that improve your mood and it also stimulates brain areas that are responsible for memory and learning. People who exercise regularly tend to be motivated to continue to exercise due to the overall sense of well-being that exercise provides them. They sleep better, have sharper memories, and feel more positive about their lives. Plus, there is the added benefit of increasing levels of self-esteem from knowing you are doing something good for yourself and perhaps gaining a slimmer waistline in the process! 

Regular exercise has been shown to treat clinical depression as effectively as antidepressant medication. It releases chemicals called endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine which create feelings of happiness and euphoria. These same ‘feel good’ chemicals also help alleviate the symptoms of anxiety by improving your mood, and relieving tension and tight muscles that stress tends to bring on. The endorphins released during physical activity also improve your natural ability to sleep, which helps to reduce the impact of stress on our bodies. 

Norepinephrine is another chemical released when exercising and this is thought to assist our bodies deal with stress more efficiently. Increased levels of serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine, produced during physical activity, are thought to improve attention and concentration. Not only is this good news for alleviating that “foggy” brain that people with depression and anxiety tend to experience, but it’s also good for those with attention disorders such as ADHD. Learning and memory functions are also improved, and new brain cells are created. This is great news for slowing age-related decline in memory and thinking.

Exercise is also a great way to practice mindfulness. Instead of replaying that terrible presentation over and over in your head while you are walking or jogging in the park, tune in to the here and now by focusing on what you can see and hear. Or take the time to notice your feet hitting the ground, the way your arms move in front and behind you, the movement of your torso, or your breath as you inhale and exhale.  Focusing on the present moment while you exercise is associated with better mental health benefits.  

The Australian government recommends 30 minutes of moderate exercise most days of the week. The 30 minutes can be made up over the day in smaller blocks. If you’re tired aim for five or ten minutes and build your way up from there. If you haven’t exercised for a long time or you have any pre-existing health conditions it’s a good idea to visit your GP for a check-up prior to commencing any exercise program.

Moving Toward A Life With Meaning

By living your life according to your values you can have a more meaningful and fulfilled life, and this can lead to increased wellbeing and resilience.

What Do We Mean By Values?

Values relate to what we want our lives to be about and who we want to be, like a guide to our best life. They’re not about goals or what we think we could or should want, but rather what we care about, think is important and would like to work towards. Looking into your deepest wishes, what do you want for yourself?

It’s important to note that there are no right or wrong values. They are not determined by others’ expectations or what we think is the ‘right’ thing to be doing. Each person’s values are their own choice, and are unique to them. Values are also not goals. They are directions or guiding principles in life that are ongoing, unlike goals that can be achieved or accomplished.

How To Identify Your Values

Here are some common value areas (not all of them may apply to you):

• Intimate relationships

• Parenting

• Family relationships

• Friends

• Work

• Education

• Fun/leisure

• Community

• Spirituality

• Health

There are many more potential values, but these provide a good starting point for identifying some of your key values.

Consider how you would like to be in each of these areas of your life, assuming there were no obstacles. For example: What personal attributes would you like to bring to each area? What type of relationships would you like to build? What would you like to learn or be surrounded by? How do you relax? What do you enjoy? How would you like to look after yourself? Why are these things important to you?

By asking these types of questions about each relevant area of your life, you will start to build a picture of your values and what you find meaningful to move towards in your life.

How To Start Moving Towards Your Values

We move towards our values by making choices and undertaking actions that move us in the desired direction. Actions can be very simple and observable steps that are consistent with your values. For example, ‘talking with my partner over dinner’, ‘going to sleep earlier’, ‘listening to my children without interrupting’, or ‘walking in nature’.

So plan some actions or steps you can undertake that would move you in the direction of some of your values. Start with simple actions and add to these as you move along your value paths.

Why Might It Be Important To Try And Align Our Lives With Our Values?

If you don’t live a life consistent with your most important values you are likely to experience feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, and a lack of purpose or meaning. All of these affect your overall wellbeing.

Importantly, however, if you are moving in a direction consistent with your values, you are better able to cope with painful or difficult experiences as you continue to provide meaning in your life. You do not need to ‘fix’ any difficulties you might be experiencing (e.g. anxiety, depression, disordered eating) before having a worthwhile life if you are able to continue to move in a meaningful and fulfilling direction.

You may also be better able to challenge yourself in order to act in line with your long-term best interests and values. For example, if nurturing friendships is an important value to you, you might challenge your preference to isolate yourself so you can be there for a friend’s birthday.

5 Quick Tips For Setting Goals

Continuing on from an earlier blog (read ‘New Year, New You? Tips for looking after yourself in 2019’ below), the beginning of a new year is typically a time of reflection and goal setting. Setting goals can be a really helpful activity if you feel like you’re lacking direction, if you are feeling overwhelmed with how much is going on, or if you have some big tasks or goals you want to get started with. This blog shares some important tips on setting yourself goals, to help maximise your ability to reach them. 

1. Start by listing the things that you have achieved that have gone really well over the last six months or so. It is important to celebrate the successes you are already achieving in your life. Think about your relationships, friendships, hobbies, mental health, physical health, self-care – what are you already doing really well at?

2. Don’t get caught up in big, overwhelming things – when we set goals, sometimes we think they need to be really big, and this can be too much to process. Sometimes ideas about what we want in life can be so overwhelming that we avoid taking steps to achieving goals altogether. First consider smaller, more manageable goals. For example, do you want to be more socially active with friends? Instead of planning a party, how about setting yourself the goal of sending a message to a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while.

3. Think about what you don’t want – if you’re having trouble figuring out what your goals are, then think about the things in your life that aren’t bringing you joy, then turn those things around into positive things you want to achieve. For example, if you no longer want to argue with your partner, set the positive goal of “I want to communicate more effectively with my partner”. This might then include an interim goal of attending couples therapy.

4. Most people have heard this tip at one point or another, and as simplistic as it might seem set SMART goals. You would be surprised how important setting SMART goals can be to get you off on the right foot! Here are some tips on setting SMART goals:

• Specific – be very clear with what you want to achieve, consider breaking the goal down into smaller steps

• Measurable – how will you know when you have achieved your goal? What will be different? What would others notice about you? What will you be doing less of? What will you be doing more regularly?

• Achievable – consider setting smaller goals on the road to achieving bigger ones. Celebrate those successes! Don’t set yourself up to fail by making your goals too big to start off with. If you don’t achieve the goal you set out – what could you do differently that would help you be more likely to succeed next time?

• Realistic and Resourced – is the goal achievable with the resources you have? Are there any other resources you need before you are able to achieve your goal? Or anything else that will help you on your way? How can you get access to these resources? What can you do to minimise any obstacles?

• Time Limited – set a specific timeframe and a reasonable amount of time to reach your goal. Consider setting different time limits for different steps of your goal.

5. Celebrate your wins! This is just as an important step as any of the others when it comes to goal setting. Every time you reach one of the goals in your timeline, celebrate! Dance, go for coffee with a friend, or give yourself some positive self-talk. Just remember to do this as soon as you achieve this goal. If you are able to celebrate every win immediately, your brain will start to associate achieving goals with positive emotions, and you will be more likely to continue the habits that have contributed to achieving your goal. Remember - you have worked really hard, celebrate! You deserve it!

PRO-TIP: People don’t fail, only plans fail! If things aren’t going to plan, have a good think about what is getting in the way, and make a new plan J

Why Me?

A question I hear over and over from clients is “Why Me?”… “Why is everyone else happy and enjoying life and I’m not?”, “Why am I struggling so much when everyone else has everything together?”, “What’s wrong with me?!”.

First of all – you are not alone. I wish everyone could see inside everyone’s lives like I get to. An instagram feed is not a true reflection of what someone’s life really looks like! In Australia, it’s estimated that 45% of people will experience a mental health condition in their lifetime. That’s almost 1 in every 2 people! Inner worlds are often so different to the outer world we project to others. So comparing your inner world to the artificial and carefully curated outer worlds of those around you is not only unhelpful but entirely inaccurate. 

Secondly, you are not defective or broken because you are struggling emotionally. There are so many variables that can increase your vulnerability to mental illness, many of which are out of your control. I work with clients to understand the factors that may contribute to the development of their mental health difficulties. 

·     Genetics– Current research estimates that 50% of mental health difficulties can be attributed to genetic factors. This estimate varies depending on the specific disorder, and is likely to change as we understand more about epigenetics. Generally, a family history of mental illness means you may be more vulnerable.

·     Pregnancy, birth & early childhood– Maternal stress and diet, delivery, and your first months in the world all play a role in your vulnerability to mental illness. The availability and responsiveness of caregivers, environment and presence of traumatic events are all important to consider.

·     Life Experiences– As we experience the world, we form beliefs about ourselves, the world and our place in the world. These beliefs then act as filters, to influence memory, perception, attention and interpretation. Generally, negative experiences can lead to the development of negative beliefs, which can result in negative thought patterns, emotions and behaviours that can perpetuate and strengthen unhelpful belief structures. Negative beliefs about ourselves, our world and our place in the world are significant risk factors for developing mental illness. 

·     Personality– Personality style is a combination of genes and environment, and can influence thinking patterns, coping style, behaviours and relationships – all of which affect risk. 

·     Social Support– Having a good support system is an important protective factor. A sense of belonging and community forms a key role in our level of resilience. 

·     Self-Esteem– Beliefs, experiences and personality all affect our self-concept. Having low self-esteem is a another risk factor for mental illness.   

·     Lifestyle – Diet, exercise, sleep, physical health and how consistent our everyday life is with our values are all additional important factors. 

These are just some of the variables that play important roles in determining someone’s vulnerability to mental illness. Everyone’s loading on these factors varies, and the degree to which different variables impact on individuals also varies. They can also impact on each other in both negative and positive ways. 

I don’t share this information as a ticket to cash in a “victim mindset”, or to absolve all responsibility for mental health. Research shows that whilst 50% of our happiness may be due to genetic factors, and 10% to our life circumstances, 40% of our wellbeing is due to our own attitudes and actions. This includes where we focus our attention, our relationship to our beliefs, and our behaviour – over which we DO have control.

Understanding why you may be struggling emotionally can help to reduce self-blame and hopelessness. What is so encouraging is that there are many variables under our control that can help us manage mental illness and move towards wellness. Clinical psychology is all about providing a compassionate and non-judgmental space to help individuals understand why they may be suffering, and offering support and evidence-based techniques to move towards health. 

Coping with Overwhelming Emotions

Often clients will tell me they feel overwhelmed by negative thoughts and feelings. They may be stressed about deadlines, upcoming exams, speeches, or performance reviews. Worried or sad about their relationships, health, family, finances, lack of leisure time, and sometimes they worry or feel sad about everything in general. They are often very critical of themselves… “I’m too fat, thin, unattractive, hopeless, not good enough”.   

They don’t want to feel this way as they are not living rich and meaningful lives. They may spend a huge amount of time trying to make their feelings, thoughts, memories, go away. They try their hardest not to think about “it” in the hope it will go away. They drink alcohol, eat “comfort” food, or use illicit drugs, to feel a different way or numb themselves. Others self-harm, gamble, or binge eat. It makes sense why they use these strategies as most of them work really well in the short term. However, the unpleasantness inevitably comes back, and the process of getting rid of it starts all over again.

All this self-criticism and efforts not to feel a certain way, takes a lot of time and energy.  And while they are spending all this time and energy trying not feel a certain way, overthinking the past and/or future, they are missing out on living life in the present moment. 

One way to connect with the present moment is to “ground yourself”. I like to teach my clients to ground themselves using their five senses. When you notice you are caught up with what’s going on in your head, or notice your body is reacting to negative thoughts (heart racing, fists or jaw clenching, butterflies in stomach etc), practice beginning to notice what is happening around you:

·     What five things can you see?

·     What four things can you touch?

·     What three things can you hear?

·     What two things can you taste?

·     What one thing can you smell?

This practice gets you out of your head and into the present moment. It’s important to remember that it doesn’t take the painful or unpleasant thoughts/feelings etc away, but it does give you a break from them, an ability to do something other than focus on the unpleasantness you have been going through. 

After you have grounded yourself it may be a good time to slow down your breathing. Our breathing often speeds up when we are stressed/nervous/angry about things. It’s our bodies natural way of preparing us for the danger (your worries) that we sense. We are very good at breathing in, it’s the breathing out part that we tend to forget (shallow breathing). There are many slowed or controlled breathing techniques. A good one to begin with is to 

·     Breathe in and smell the cake (or roses or whatever smell you like to imagine)

·     Breathe out and blow out all of the imaginary birthday candles 

Grounding yourself does not get rid of your negative thoughts, but it empowers you to put them aside and enjoy living in the present moment. 

Grief and Loss

Feelings of loss and grief are a normal response to losing someone or something that you care deeply about. Loss can be experienced in many contexts, including the death of a loved one, or the loss of a relationship, a job, your health, your sense of safety, your way of life, or a possession.

While most of us will experience grief in our lives, how it is experienced is very individual and there is no ‘right’ way to grieve. How we grieve is affected by many factors, including who or what we have lost, how the loss came about, our personality and upbringing, our culture and spiritual beliefs, previous experiences of loss, and our social support and other circumstances at the time of the loss.

People experience and deal with grief in many different ways. Some people find it helpful to return to their usual lives and routines quite quickly, while others take some time before doing this. Similarly, some people naturally lean towards being alone during grieving, while others reach out for support and company from those around them. However, while everyone grieves differently there are some typical responses to loss, such as:

• Feeling depressed and/or anxious, including poor sleep and appetite, mood swings and tearfulness, feeling stressed or confused.

• Feeling hopeless or unable to go on (thoughts of suicide or self-harm).

• Denial of the loss having occurred or feeling it is not real. Feeling numb.

• Feeling disconnected form others, isolated and lonely.

• Difficulty concentrating.

• Loss of enjoyment in activities previously enjoyed.

• Feelings or anger, guilt, shame or relief. These emotions may sometimes be towards the person who has died, or in relation to the grief (e.g. guilt at getting on with life or ‘moving on’).

• Seeking reminders of person who has died, or feeling they are present in some way.

• Worries about not grieving enough or correctly.

Things That Can Help

Grieve.  It is very important that you allow yourself to grieve by letting your feelings out. Bottling up your emotions can lead to a longer and more complicated grieving process. You can express your emotions through activities such as sharing with those close to you or a psychologist, joining a group of others experiencing a similar process, listening to or playing music, creating art, keeping a journal, saying goodbye through ceremonies or rituals, meditating or praying, or even through physical activity. Do whatever works for you.

 Be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to do whatever suits your needs during your grieving process.

Go at your own pace. Remember that there is no normal or right period of time for the grief process, and it can take some time to adjust to your loss. Do not feel you need to ‘move on’ or ‘get over it’ and do not rush into anything new or making decisions until you are ready. 

Be open to be supported. Try to let family and friends support you, even though it may feel difficult to accept their help. It might help to let them know what you feel you need, whether that is emotional help, or practical support like cooking, or looking after children.

Look after yourself. Make an effort to eat well, exercise regularly and get enough sleep, as your mind and body need to be supported during this difficult time. Try not to turn to alcohol or drugs to numb the pain, as this will interfere with your recovery.

Look for enjoyment. Stay connected with family and friends and keep doing activities you enjoy, even when you are feeling sad or overwhelmed. It is ok not to grieve all the time and to have times of enjoyment, and this will help your recovery.

When Grief Is More Complicated And Additional Help May Be Needed

Most people eventually adjust to their loss and return to their usual life (while carrying some ongoing sadness), with the support of their family and friends. However, about 10-20% of people do not adjust well and experience protracted or more complicated grief. Identifying this is not simple as the grief process is so individual, but if some of the following warning signs are evident 1-2 months after a loss the person may be at risk of coping very poorly over time and intervening early could be worthwhile:

·     Avoidance of feelings and grieving (maybe by excessive involvement in other activities)

·     Avoidance of any reminders of the person who has died (including refusal to attend the funeral)

·     Disengagement from responsibilities

·     Extreme mood swings 

·     Isolation 

·     Poor self-care

·     Use of alcohol or other drugs

·     Increased physical health problems

Sources of information and support

The Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement: www.grief.org.au

The National Association for Grief and Loss (NALAG): www.nalag.org.au

New Year, New You? Tips for looking after yourself in 2019

The beginning of a new year is typically a time of reflection and goal setting. Did you set any resolutions? Have you achieved any yet? Have you decided against any? During this time of reflection it may helpful to go back to basics and assess your level of self-care. Self-care strategies are essential to help maintain mental and physical wellbeing. With these essentials taken care of, you lay the foundations for achieving your goals, and you will then be set to take on 2019. This blog will share some important tips to managing your self-care, beginning with three key basics for wellbeing.

Get Enough Sleep

Sleep quality is largely associated with mood. Maintaining a stable mood is likely to give you more resilience against stressors. Make sure you’re doing everything you can to maximise your sleep. A few tips to help with this include:

1. Go to sleep and wake up at the same time each day. This may seem a bit rough on weekends! Absolutely - enjoy a few sleep-ins and the joys of not setting an alarm. However, if you are able to maintain some semblance of sleeping routine, your body clock will start to help you fall asleep and wake up naturally during the week. In doing this, your sleep quality will improve and you will be able to make the most of those days off.

2. Develop sleeping routines. Start developing some daily habits that you engage in before going to bed. This may include drinking a herbal tea (caffeine free is best), meditating, stretching your muscles, or listening to some relaxing music. Doing these same activities each night before bed will trigger your brain into winding down and getting ready for sleep.

3. Use your bed only for sleeping and sex. It is really common for people to use bed to watch movies or TV shows, read, scroll through social media, or Skype loved ones. Sometimes this can be unavoidable due to your living space. The problem is that the brain can then become confused when you then try to sleep in this same environment. If you can try to work, read, or watch TV in other areas of the house, or even on the floor, your sleep will be better for it.

Eat A Wide Range of Nutritious Foods

This is always a good thing to keep in mind because when we don’t eat good food, we don’t feel good either. Even making slight changes to your diet can have big impacts and help improve or stabilise your mood. It can also help your immune system, resilience, and energy levels and help you to think more clearly. Enjoy the treats that celebrations bring, but where you can, try the following:

• Load up on leafy greens

•  Incorporate as many vegetables as you can into your diet

•  If you eat meat, stick to lean varieties such as fish or chicken

•  If you don’t eat meat, try eggs, tofu or legumes

•  Drink as much water as you can

•  Have healthy snacks on hand to prevent unhealthy binge eating later on

Exercise

In the same ways that sleep and a healthy diet can, keeping active has also been shown to have many benefits for mental and physical wellbeing. If you are experiencing low mood, moving your body may feel like the last thing you want to do, but is one of the best things you can do to improve how you feel. Exercise can also help boost your self-esteem; it can increase your energy levels, improve memory, help with relaxation, sleep quality and even improve your sex life. Staying active does not have to be a chore - incorporating any activity into your day can be helpful. If the gym isn’t for you, try dancing, bouncing on the trampoline, skipping, going for a bike ride or swimming at the beach.

Once you have these three staples of self-care taken care of you will be well set up. Rejuvenating your mind and body through self-care will help you to face challenges with more resilience, and achieve goals you have set for yourself.

Some other self-care tips ideas in addition to sleep, diet and exercise include:

• Disconnect and unplug – turn off electronic devices and unwind

• Relax – rejuvenate your body and mind with massage, meditation, visualisation or yoga

• Be grateful – make a list of all the things that bring you joy

• Clean and tidy up – organise your space for a clearer mind and gain a sense of achievement

• Read – escape the daily grind and read a book or listen to an audio book on your commute to work

• Take a hot shower or bath – embrace the time to yourself and notice the feeling of the warm water against your body

• Adjust and commit to your plans – try not to over commit yourself to events purely because people invite you. Say yes to events that bring you joy, commit to them, and enjoy yourself

• Breathe – practice deep breathing from your diaphragm to help calm your mind and even decrease physical symptoms of anxiety

• Brush your teeth and floss – simple hygiene can sometimes make the difference in freshening your body and your mind

• Call loved ones – spend time reconnecting with those important to you

• Celebrate – no reason required

• Clench fist or squeeze your hands, and then release them – notice the difference in the feeling between tense and relaxed

• Create a timeline of your goals with stepping stones to achieve them

• Drink a cup of tea

• Eat a hearty breakfast

• Use positive self talk – for example, “Today is going to be great”

• Clear your inbox – declutter your online life in the same way you would declutter your environment

• Learn and study something you’ve always wanted to – read, listen to podcasts, do research or an online course

• Cook or bake yourself your favourite food or as a gift to someone else

• Make your bed and notice how much clearer you feel in your mind

• Write in a journal – make a note of your thoughts, feelings and observations

• Observe your digital behaviour

• Reconnect with friends that you have not seen or spoken to

• Show compassion for other people or animals

• Stretch your muscles

• Write a to-do list – this can give you small goals to work towards and contribute to feelings of mastery and achievement

• Observe the world around you

• Pat or cuddle a dog

• Smell something nice like a candle or incense

• Take time out for yourself to recharge – you deserve it!