Life With A Newborn

A friend who had a baby around the same time as me (that’s you Diana!) spoke of her ever-expanding heart, and that phrase so perfectly captured the last three months with my baby girl, Elsey. My heart has been stretched to feel many emotions, and all more intensely since she was born. Love, yes, but anxiety (am I doing this right?), panic (how can I possibly be responsible for this precious life?), awe (I can’t believe we created this perfect being!), doubt (can I do this?), joy (that smile!), worry (Is she too hot? Has she had enough milk? Is she too cold? Is that poo normal? What does that rash mean? Is she still breathing? Etc. etc. etc.). And here I was thinking “As soon as I’ve had this baby and it’s safe and healthy I can stop worrying”!!

Baby Elsey - Two Days Old

Amidst the relentless newborn dance of feed, burp, nappy, nappy, sleep, washing, feed, nappy, burp, washing and feeding/showering myself when I could, I was trying to wrap my head around the whole parenting business to give myself guiding principles. Here are the points I kept coming back to that helped me through this wonderful, life-changing, tiring, overwhelming and magical period. 

DISCLAIMER: I am not an expert! I have been a parent for all of 14 weeks, and have an abnormally chilled baby. 

·     Look After Yourself: Happy Mum = Happy bub! Meeting your needs puts you in the best position to meet your baby’s needs. Sleep, nutrition, time away from the baby, being looked after, gentle exercise and general self care are all critical if you’re going to be able to meet the demands of newborn. Doing what it takes to make sure you have a smile on your face for your baby is worth it. Work out what that looks like – a solo walk, a snooze, chocolate, a bath, and make it a priority.

·     Do What Works: You will read and be given so much conflicting advice. There is no one-size-fits-all approach, and all babies and family situations are different. As long as your baby is healthy and safe, find whatever way of looking after your baby works for you. Whether that’s demand-feeding, routine-feeding, co-sleeping or baby-wearing.

·     Listen to Your Gut: When choosing what parenting approach to take, check in with your intuition. Does it feel right for you and your family? You know your baby better than anyone, and you have to listen to that little voice that knows best. Modern society and technology can disconnect us from our heart, and lead to doubt and low confidence. Trust in yourself and tap back in to your inner wisdom. 

·     Accept Help: Humans are not designed to bring up other humans alone, isolated from friends and family. Historically, new mothers had a village to rely on for support and guidance. Tap into your village – whether that’s family, friends, neighbours, a mother’s group, or hired help. This is in your best interests, and your baby’s best interests. People want to help, but often don’t know how. Tell people how they can best help, it makes things easier for everyone. And if you need a greater degree of support (with breastfeeding, settling, sleeping, mental health or adjustment), there is a wide range of excellent services available – have a chat to your GP about options. It is not weak to seek help, it takes courage to be vulnerable and take steps that ensure better wellbeing for everyone in the long-term.

·     Be With: In between the feeding, sleeping, nappy changes and washing, take time to simply delight in your baby. Look into their eyes, massage their chubby little legs, tickle their toes. Smell that divine newborn scent. Lie next to them. Mirror their expressions. Tell them stories. 

·     Let Go: Of the ‘shoulds’, of your expectations, of the standards that you had for herself before becoming a parent and of the comparisons to other babies and mothers. Judgment, criticism, shame and guilt are so unhelpful and make an already challenging situation impossible. Practise self-compassion, acceptance and breathe. Trying to be the perfect parent is unhelpful for both you and your child. Prioritise what needs to get done and let go of other things. It’s not easy, but you can make it easier for yourself by being kind and having realistic expectations. 

Incorporating Mindfulness Into Your Day, And Reaping The Benefits

What is mindfulness? Mindfulness really just means paying attention to the present moment. By focusing your awareness on the present moment, and noticing your current experience, bodily sensations and surrounding environment, you move your thoughts away from worrying about the past or imagining the future. A key feature of mindfulness is that you simply acknowledge whatever you notice in the moment, without judging it or labelling it as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, thereby fostering acceptance and calm.

Mindfulness has become increasingly popular over the last decade or two, and studies have suggested that practising mindfulness can help you to better manage everyday life and deal with difficult times. It has been shown to help people cope better with stress, anxiety and depression, concentrate better, be more productive, and relax more. So, the evidence tells us that mindfulness can bring many benefits to your emotional and physical health, as well as to the relationships in your life.

Of course, the best evidence of whether mindfulness practices will be helpful for you is not the results from studies, but direct experience. So, why not give it a try and find out what it can do for you? It may take some practice to learn how to incorporate this practice into your everyday life, but the benefits could be well worth the effort.

Like any other good habits such as exercising and eating well, it is important to practice mindfulness regularly to reap the benefits. Luckily, you do not have to practice mindfulness formally to benefit from its positive effects. Many mindfulness techniques are not difficult, and making mindfulness a daily habit does not have to mean making big changes, setting aside large amounts of time or having special equipment. It simply requires remembering to engage in mindful practices during your normal day. It is not clear how long you need to spend doing mindfulness each day to benefit from its positive effects, but making a start and incorporating what you can each day is a great way to find out how it will ‘work’ for you.

The following 5 mindfulness techniques are simple and easy to fit into your everyday life. Try starting by including just one each day for a week, then you can add more as you become more familiar with the approach and conscious of how to make it effective for you.

Each of these activities involves focusing on something other than your thoughts and emotions. While trying to focus your awareness, you will often find that your attention wanders and other thoughts come into your mind. This is normal. When this happens, gently acknowledge the distraction or thoughts, without judgement, and bring your attention back to your current activity.

1. Mindful breathing

This very simple form of mindfulness involves focusing on your breathing. You can do this with your eyes closed or open. Take a few minutes in a quiet spot to notice your breathing, without trying to change it in any way. Simply notice what your breath feels like in your body, as it passes through your nose, and as your chest and abdomen gently rise and fall. You can practise mindful breathing for as long as you like. But you can also use it as a quick 1-2 minute way of calming yourself and focusing if you are feeling anxious about something coming up, like a test, meeting someone new or giving a presentation. You can do mindful breathing by yourself, or you can use one of the many apps or YouTube videos available if you would like some additional guidance.

2. Mindful walking

When you are walking during the day, try practicing mindful walking by bringing your attention to the experience of walking. Feel how your body moves and how it feels as you take each step. Focus on the sensation of lifting your leg and placing your foot back on the ground. Become aware of how your arms are moving and the feeling of your breath.

3. Mindful senses

By focusing on what is happening around you, you are less likely to get caught up in your emotions and thoughts and feel overwhelmed. Simply ground yourself in the present moment by noticing the physical things in your environment. Name five things you can see, five things you can hear, and five things you can feel. Look around you and name 5 different things you can see. Can you name 5 different sounds? Ask yourself whether you feel hot or cold, what the air feels like on your face or with your breathing, and where you can feel your body touching objects or clothes. What sounds can you hear? You can also notice tastes and smells when appropriate. Bring your awareness to your experience in the present moment.

4. Mindful eating

Eating can also be done mindfully. When you sit down to eat, do not do anything else at the same time, and focus on what you are eating rather than your thoughts. Take your time and notice every mouthful, paying attention to the appearance, textures, tastes and aromas of the food. Savour each mouthful. Also notice what it feels like to bite, chew and swallow the food. Eating mindfully not only focuses your awareness, but may also result in you eating less.

5. Mindful daily activities

You can engage in any daily activity mindfully. It could be making a cup of tea, driving, showering, brushing your teeth, waiting in a supermarket queue, or making your bed. Simply bring your focus to the task and notice the process and experience in detail, savouring the sensations and awareness. Rather than seeing the activity as a chore, and completing it on autopilot, experience the present moment fully noticing what you see, physical sensations, sounds, smells and tastes. If you cannot maintain focus for an entire activity, be mindful for the first part of the experience and try to hold on to the mindful approach as you move on.

Remember:

• Use these simple mindfulness techniques regularly, and whenever you feel the need to take some distance from what you are thinking or feeling. They can provide important calm in amongst the stress and rush of the day.

• While the techniques described here may seem like small steps, with practice they can have a significant effect on how you cope and function in life.

• Mindfulness needs to be learned. Remember it can take time to train your brain, but the more you practice the better you will become at it, and the more readily you will be able to use mindfulness in more challenging moments.

• When you are starting out, do not expect to be able to focus for very long. It is normal for your attention to wander and your thoughts to intrude. Just gently bring your attention back to your current activity.

• With all mindfulness activities, always try and ease yourself out of the awareness and continue to be mindful into the next activity.

As you can see from these mindfulness techniques, almost any activity can incorporate some mindfulness exercises. As everyone’s experience and life is unique, experiment and find ways of fitting mindfulness into your life that work for you.

Growth Vs. A Fixed Mindset

We are starting to hear a lot about the benefits of having a Growth Mindset rather than a Fixed Mindset. Dr Carol Dweck coined the terms Growth and Fixed Mindsets to describe the beliefs people held regarding intelligence and learning. Dr Dweck experimented with two groups of children who experienced the same challenges. The group who were trained to interpret their failures by trying harder, outperformed the other group. When students believe they can get smarter, they put in extra effort to work harder, as they understand it pays off for them. They know their extra effort leads to higher achievement. Hence, a growth mindset is when a person believes effort, such as practice and study, will help them achieve. Someone with a fixed mindset is likely to give up when they find something difficult as they are not inclined to believe they can learn new things with extra effort.

Research on neuroplasticity, has shown that our brains develop new pathways with experience, and with practice, these pathways develop and strengthen. This is really important for a person’s self-worth. When you fall short of your goals, do you respond by trying harder and strive for real improvement or do you give up because you don’t think you can do any better?When it comes to praising our children, do we encourage a growth mindset by praising their effort “I see you tried hard and worked it out in the end”. Or do we praise the child and have their self-worth contingent on their success or failures “Good girl, you’re really good at that”. Praising the person over the effort, subtly leads them to believe they are ineffective if they fail at something. When we praise effort, we are leading others to cultivate a mastery-oriented approach where challenges are faced with enthusiasm rather than dread.

Believing you’re born with the ability to accomplish things you value (fixed mindset) may lead you to prove yourself to others as most situations can be a test of whether you have what it takes or no. However, believing what you’re born with is just a starting point for development (growth mindset) leads you to put in persistent efforts, as our potential is unknown.

Michael Jordan has been quoted as saying “I’ve missed more than nine thousand shots. I’ve missed almost three hundred games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the winning shot and missed. However, he never gave up. He kept practicing and believing he could do better. He has a growth mindset. Increased motivation leads to increased achievements.

If you or your children are avoiding a challenge perhaps you could shift your mindset. Success isn’t about proving how smart you are or how well you can perform. It’s about developing yourself, accepting failures as a setback, not as an endpoint. Recognise that hard work and persistence pays off.

Acting Assertively

After challenging your passive thoughts you should now be on the road to thinking more assertively. Thinking more assertively is the first step to communicating more assertively (if you need some help with this, check out the blog below ‘How to Think Assertively’ to get started).

The next step in learning to communicate more assertively is learning how to behave and speak more assertively. When reading through the following tips on behaving assertively, it’s important to keep in mind your verbal versus nonverbal behaviour. You may think that you are acting assertively by speaking in a particular way, but your body language may be communicating the opposite.

Speaking Assertively - Basic

When speaking assertively, it is important to keep in mind your beliefs, needs, wants, feelings and opinions. To do this, it is typically helpful to use sentences that begin with “I”. Some examples of this might be.

• “I need some time to think about that”

• “I was next in line”

• “I think you could try it this way”

• “I’m happy with that”

• “I feel angry”

• “I feel nervous”

• “I need some help with this”

It is important to remember to be specific and direct when speaking assertively. Avoid using fillers, pauses, qualifiers or apologies. These specific and direct messages communicate that you are in control, can help reduce anxiety, and help to take responsibility for your feelings.

Speaking Assertively - Empathic

This way of speaking assertively is used when you recognise that the other person may be involved in a situation that may not fit with your needs or wants. This way of speaking demonstrates recognition for their needs and wants, as well as your own. It helps you to get some space and time to imagine the other person’s situation, instead of responding quickly and aggressively. Some examples of this may be:

• “I can see that you’re busy, Cameron, but I’d like to make a request of you”

• “I appreciate that you don’t like the new procedure, Nicholas, however, I’d like you to keep using it”

• “I recognise that its difficult to be precise on costs, Liam, however, I need a rough estimate”

Speaking Assertively - Consequence

This way of speaking assertively should be used in the last instance. It is to be used when you want to change the behaviour of someone else who has been disregarding the needs of others. It is also for when you want to change their behaviour, and inform them of the consequences of not doing so, without becoming aggressive. A situation when you might use this style of assertiveness is if someone at work is not following procedure. This assertive style can easily be mistaken for an aggressive style, however, so be very careful with your nonverbal signals. Remember to keep your body and face relaxed, keep your voice calm, and maintain good eye contact. Some examples of speaking assertively with consequence include:

• “I’d prefer not to, but if this happens again, I’ll be left with no option but to take disciplinary action.”

• “I have told you my feelings on this matter, if you continue to disregard what I have said I will have to end this conversation”

• “If you continue to withhold the information, I’ll have no choice but to take this higher up. I’d prefer not to.”

Speaking Assertively - Discrepancy

This style of assertion is to be used when there is a discrepancy between what has been previously agreed and what is actually occurring. It is helpful for clarification, misunderstanding, or contradiction. Some examples of this style of assertion include:

• “My understanding was that we agreed that the other task was the top priority. Now you’re asking me to prioritise this task instead. I’d like to clarify which task is now the top priority.”

• “I thought we had agreed to see a movie, and now you are saying we are going for a drink. I am not dressed up to go out for a drink and I am confused as I wanted to go the movies. Can you please clarify what our plans are?”

• “I asked you several weeks ago to go to this concert with me to the act we both really like, but you said you couldn’t afford to go. Since then you have spent a lot of money on clothing and meals out. Why did you tell me you couldn’t afford it?”

Speaking Assertively - Negative Feelings

Another way to behave assertively includes when you have negative feelings toward someone else’s behaviour. Here are four helpful steps to speaking assertively with someone about their behaviour:

1. Let them know what the behaviour is that you want to address and describe it without adding your own judgment at this point. For example, your friend speaking rudely to wait staff when you are out for a meal together.

2. Let them know specifically in what way their behaviour impacts you, in a clear and concise manner without overgeneralising. For example, potential reactions from the wait staff to you during your meal.

3. Describe your feelings. For example, confused, guilty, embarrassed or sad.

4. Describe how you would like their behaviour to be different in future. For example, how they could speak to wait staff differently next time.

Putting all of these examples together, you could say the following to your friend: “When you speak rudely to the wait staff during our meal, they are less responsive to both you and I. I feel annoyed about this, so in future I would like you to take more care with the way you speak to wait staff.”

Read later blogs in this series to learn how to say “no”, how to deal with criticism and disappointment, and how to give and receive compliments.

Rumination and Mental Health

Ruminating is when you repeatedly go over and over things from your past. It’s a bit like your mind continuously pressing replay on your past; it keeps going on and on and on. I guess you could say its obsessive thinking. It would be lovely if those thoughts going around and around in our minds were positive, but unfortunately, it’s all those negative events, or things we would have preferred to happen differently, that we ruminate or obsess over.

What’s the Difference Between Worry and Rumination?

Worry focuses on the future, tends to use “what if” type thoughts, and we feel anxious or afraid. For example, “What if people don’t like my speech” or “What if I make a fool of myself”. Whereas rumination focuses on the past, involves “I should have” or “if only” type thoughts, and we feel guilt or remorse.

Is Rumination Normal?

To some extent everyone ruminates or dwells on problems or concerns they have with work, relationships, and life in general. Thinking about our problems can be helpful especially if we reach a solution and put it into action. Hence for most people, ruminating is time-limited, it stops when they have solved their problem. However, excessive use of rumination can become problematic.

Unhelpful Rumination

Rumination tends to focus on what has gone wrong in the past and can lead to negative thinking. It can become a fast track to feeling helpless as it paralyses problem solving skills. We become so preoccupied with the problem that we’re unable to push past our cycle of negative thoughts. Unhelpful rumination tends not to be solution focused. Instead it focuses on causes and consequences e.g. “What did I do to deserve this”; “Why do these things always happen to me” and “Will my life get any better?” Instead of “How can I make my life better?”. When people who are depressed ruminate, they remember more negative things that happened to them in the past, they interpret situations in life more negatively, and they feel more hopeless about the future.

Stopping the Rumination Cycle

The first step to gaining control over rumination is to recognise when it happens. Once you think you may be ruminating, continue what you’re doing for two minutes, then stop and ask yourself three questions:

1. Am I making progress toward solving a problem?

2. Do I understand more about my problem or my feeling?

3. Do I feel less self-critical, or less depressed than before I started thinking about this?

Unless the answer to one of these questions is a clear yes, chances are you’re ruminating. Once you catch yourself rumination, try and get some distance from your thoughts. The simplest way to do this is by saying to yourself “I notice I’m ruminating about …”. Gaining distance from your ruminating thoughts will be difficult at first, especially if you are and excessive ruminator. However, like anything, the more you practice, the easier it becomes.

Take the time to notice what’s around you (ground yourself), using your five senses, when you catch yourself ruminating. What can you see, touch, hear, smell, and, taste? You can also use your rumination as a cue to do get active. For example, if you catch yourself ruminating while driving, turn on the radio and start singing. It’s very difficult to ruminate while you are singing. You could also use rumination to cue you to read a book, exercise, garden or watch a movie.

Sexual Intimacy Following Sexual Assault: A Guide for Couples

The experience of sexual assault or rape can be life shattering, leaving the person or people assaulted feeling scared, ashamed, alone, or plagued by flashbacks. The road to recovery from sexual trauma takes time, and the healing process can be extremely confronting and painful. However, the healing process can help to regain a sense of self-worth, trust and safety.

An experience of sexual assault or rape does not mean that the impacted individuals cannot go on to enjoy sexual intimacy in future. When one or both partners in a relationship have experienced rape or sexual assault, many couples go on to have fulfilling, joyful and intimate sexual relationships. Continue reading to learn more about negotiating sexual intimacy following sexual assault or rape.

Developing Sexual Intimacy

It is helpful to remember that developing sexual intimacy can be a challenge in any relationship. Helpful tools for building a satisfying sexual relationship include:

• Developing intimacy based on fun, arousal, love and lust instead of performance

• Appreciating, accepting and understanding sexual differences

• Being able to communicate openly about sex, both verbally and non-verbally

• Being assertive about your desires

• Being able to focus on your own pleasure

• Having accurate information about sex, and your own and your partners’ sexuality

Difficulties Impacting Development of Sexual Intimacy

Sexual assault can have a significant impact on people’s lives. When difficulties occur related to sexual intimacy, it is understandable that individuals may pinpoint historical sexual assault or rape as the underlying cause. There are, however, several other factors known to impact sexual intimacy that may be applicable:

• Stress

• Low self-esteem

• Self or externally imposed expectations of sex and/or gender

• Body image concerns

• Depression

• Sleep disturbances

• Medication

• Substance use

• Alcohol use

• Relationship difficulties

• Physical factors e.g. erectile dysfunction

After determining if difficulties related to sexual intimacy might be better explained by other factors, it is useful to identify difficulties that may be related to past rape or sexual assault. Experiences of child or adult sexual assault or rape can impact intimate relationships in some of these ways:

• Avoiding sex altogether

• Low sex drive

• Disengaging emotionally

• Difficulty trusting sexual partners

• Experiencing flashbacks or dissociating during sexual intimacy

• Difficulty becoming sexually aroused

• Difficulty achieving orgasm

• Restricting certain types of sexual activities

• Discomfort with touch in certain areas of the body

• Engaging in sex only with specific environmental factors in place e.g. lights off

• Feeling shame or guilt about particular fantasies

Sexual Assault and Ideas about Sexual Intimacy

Experiences of sexual assault or rape as a child or adult can lead to ideas about sexual intimacy that can be negative or unhelpful. These ideas can replace more positive ones that relate to sexual intimacy being an experience that two consenting adults can enjoy.

Sex as a result of sexual assault	Sex as an enjoyable experience between two consenting adults
Sex is an obligation	Sex is a choice
Sex is hurtful	Sex is nurturing
Sex is secretive	Sex is private
Sex has no limits	Sex has boundaries
Sex is deceitful	Sex is honest
Sex is exploitative	Sex is respectful
Sex is unsafe	Sex is safe
Sex is a commodity	Sex is part of who I am
Sex is power over someone	Sex is empowering
Sex is absence of communication	Sex involves communication
Sex is a condition for receiving love	Sex is an expression of love
Sex benefits one person	Sex is mutual
Sex is emotionally distant	Sex is intimate

Enhancing Sexual Intimacy Following Sexual Assault

If one partner is not aware that the other has experienced sexual assault or rape, enhancing sexual intimacy may be a challenge. In instances where the partner is aware of the sexual assault or rape, there are some useful things to keep in mind:

Key points for couples where one or both partners has experienced sexual assault or rape:

• Be aware that memories related to the assault or rape may reappear during sexual intimacy

• Scenarios that replicate the experience of the assault are likely to be extremely challenging

• Develop an awareness together of what are or might be sensitive or triggering scenarios e.g. places, positions, touches, sounds, smells

• Together slowly develop an understanding of:

  • How to talk about these topics with each other

  • Each partners’ wishes and desires
    
    

Key points for partners of people who have experienced sexual assault or rape:

• Increased emotional engagement and communication improves sexual intimacy

• At times you may feel unattractive or that you have done something wrong based on how your partner responds to sexual intimacy – take the time to reassure yourself that it is not about you

• Try to talk to your partner when you notice any difficulties arising. Offer a way of moving forward such as experimenting with intimate touch, without the focus being on sexual intercourse

• Be very clear about your own and your partners’ boundaries and limits. Everyone has a right to say “No” to things they are not comfortable with

• Understand that when your partner is sexually intimate with you they are stepping far out of their comfort zone - things will not always go smoothly

If you, your partner, or someone else you know is struggling following rape or a sexual assault, one of our experienced psychologists can support you through the healing process in a safe environment free from judgment.

Navigating the Teenage Years

The teenage years are a time of huge change and transformation. Biologically, socially, psychologically and behaviourally, your teenager may become unrecognisable as they undergo the transition from child to adult. 

It can be a time of confusion, frustration, conflict and overwhelm for parents as you try to navigate that balance between boundary-setting and giving some freedom, between control and encouraging independence. 

From my experience working with teens and their parents, here are my top tips that are effective in not only optimising compliance and minimizing conflict, but importantly protecting the relationship in the process. 

·     Give Space: (even if it’s the last thing you feel like doing!): Teenagers need to develop their own opinions and become their own people, in an environment where they have little control and are essentially powerless. They will try to take power and control wherever they can, and this is not about rejecting you or not wanting a relationship with you, it’s all about wanting to feel independent and in control of their lives. If your teen doesn’t want to talk, respect that, and let them know that you’re always available when they do. Before giving advice, ask your teen if they’re interested in hearing your opinion (and don’t be offended if they’re not). Most of the time, teens need to be listened to and validated, from parents who are available but not instructive. 

·     Reframe Self-Focus: It’s normal for teens to be self-focused, because of the stage of their brain development. As infuriating as it is, it’s not entirely their fault. All the cognitive skills they need to be helpful, empathetic and other-focused are all in the frontal lobes which are still developing. This doesn’t mean we just accept a selfish attitude, what it means is that we have to teachteens to develop their capacity for empathy. Because of their brain wiring this doesn’t come naturally. Just like it’s not age-appropriate to expect a toddler to be able to dress themselves, we can’t expect teens to be invested in others. Teens need help and guidance to develop these skills, rather than being criticised for not having them, which just makes them feel bad and impacts negatively upon the relationship. 

·     Think Collaboratively: To be effective with teens we often have to go against our instinct. Any threat to their independence is going to light a match for a bonfire. Be willing to compromise. Decide what things are that important to you that you won’t budge on (and deal with the fallout and/or impact on the relationship), and which things you are prepared to shift a little with, for the sake of compliance and protecting the relationship. Think carefully about where this threshold will lie, because if you set this too high (meaning you’re too strict) conflict could escalate, your teen may feel suffocated and act out more, and it could lead to a breakdown in your relationship. 

·     Change Your Attitude– Something most parents struggle with is the transition from treating their teen from a child to an adult. It’s important to start thinking about your teen not as a child you have control over, but as an independent adult. How do you speak differently or resolve conflict in your adult relationships? Why do you do it this way? What would happen if you spoke to your partner the way you speak to your teen? Part of the challenge in having a good relationship with your teen is starting to think about your relationship with your teen within the same boundaries and structures as you do with other important adults in your life. This is one of the big shifts to happen in teenage relationships. 

·     Dial Up The Love – Even if they may appear to reject affection, teens need a constant reminder of unconditional love and acceptance. Don’t hold back in telling them how much you love them, celebrating their strengths and showing your love in the most appropriate way to your teen. Adolescence is a rocky road, and it is the foundation of strong relationships with their parents that supports resilience, self-esteem and stability in teens. 

·     Read Between the Lines – It’s hard to do, but try not to pay too much attention to the words and actions that result from intense emotion. Instead, try to focus on the emotion behind the behaviour. What must be going on for your teen for them to act that way? Are they feeling invalidated? Has their independence been threatened? Are they feeling excluded? Trying to identify the emotion behind the action can help you understand where they’re coming from.

·     Take Care of Yourself – Parenting is one of the toughest jobs out there. Parenting a teen requires lots of patience and self-control. But you can’t pour from an empty cup, so make sure you’re looking after your needs first, so that you can be the kind of parent you need to be for your teen.  

How to Think Assertively

Communicating assertively can lead to healthier relationships and feeling more in control of your decisions. Assertive communication can also help to promote your self-esteem through being able to tell others how you really think and feel in different situations. To help determine if you communicate more passively, aggressively or assertively, read the recent blog in this series titled ‘Passive, Assertive or Aggressive? How to Figure out Your Communication Style’.

Learning to communicate assertively after a long period of communicating passively is not easy. One of the main things that can stand in the way of communicating assertively is the way you think. Thoughts and beliefs are developed differently for everyone based life experiences. These experiences shape our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves, others and the world. For some people, these thoughts and beliefs may be predominantly passive in nature. To add to this, our parents, friends and partners can model passive communication to us, reinforcing passive thinking.

Some typical thinking styles for passive thinkers include:

• If I say how I truly feel, others will not like me

• If people respond to me with the answer “no”, they do not like me

• I don’t want to burden others with my problems

• My contributions aren’t as worthwhile as others’

• It is unkind and rude to put my needs ahead of others’

• People close to me should know what I am thinking or feeling without me telling them

• If I express my feelings people may think I am weak, judge me or take advantage of me

• It is embarrassing to share how I am feeling

• If I am assertive I will upset others and jeopardise my relationships

Changing the way we think is the first important step to changing the way we communicate. If you notice yourself thinking in similar ways to those listed above, you may be more inclined to think passively. Thought challenging is a helpful way to begin to think more assertively.

Thought Challenging

Challenging passive thoughts when you notice them arise is a great first step in thinking more assertively. One helpful way to challenge your passive thoughts is to keep a thought diary. If you notice yourself in a situation where you have prioritised the rights of those around you above your own, or you have been passive in some other way, write it down.

Make a note of the following details:

• What happened? Where was I when this happened? Who was there? What were we doing? Why? What day was it? What time of day? Describe the scene in as much detail as if you were describing it to somebody else. Remember to stick to facts only.

  • For example:

    • I was packing up my things at work at the end of the day on Friday.

    • A close friend called and asked if I would go and meet them for a drink because it had been a while since we last saw each other.

• What were some of the thoughts you were having at the time?

  • For example:

    • “I’m so tired from this long busy week”

    • “I just wanted to go home and relax”

    • “Going out is the last thing I feel like doing”

    • “I’ll feel like I’m a bad friend if I don’t say yes”

    • “It has been a while since we caught up”

    • “They might get mad with me if I say no”

    • “I don’t have any excuse not to go”

• What were some of the emotions you were experiencing at the time?

  • For example:

    • Exhausted

    • Annoyed

    • Guilty

    • Sad

• Which thought is most strongly associated with emotion? Which emotions? How intense is the emotion out of 100?

  • For example:

    • “I’ll feel like I’m a bad friend if I don’t say yes”

    • Guilty – 80

• Is this thought most likely to be passive, assertive, or aggressive? Why?

  • For example:

    • Passive because I feel like I have to do something I don’t want to do

• What is some evidence for this thought you were having? Base this evidence on previous experiences, thoughts, or interactions

  • For example:

    • “I really haven’t seen them for a long time”

    • “I’m pretty sure they’ve been mad at me in the past for not meeting up”

    • “I’ve been so exhausted lately I haven’t been keeping in contact as much as I’d like”

    • “People don’t like it when you say no”

    • “They might be having a particularly rough time and need a friend”

• What is some of the evidence against the thoughts you were having? Base this evidence on your previous experiences, thoughts or interactions. What might you tell a friend in the same situation?

  • For example:

    • “If I asked someone to meet me last minute I would understand if they couldn’t make it”

    • “I’m usually always available to meet”

    • “Not meeting up on one occasion doesn’t make me a bad friend”

    • “If it were something serious I would be able to tell”

    • “I always do my best to be the best friend I can be”

    • “I don’t always need to have an excuse to be able to say no”

    • “My needs are equally important as my friends’ needs”

• What is a new more balanced way of looking at this passive thought, based on a combination of your evidence for and against? What would be a more assertive way of thinking?

  • For example:

    • “People don’t always like it when you say no, but my needs are equally as important as my friends’ needs”

    • “I’m not a bad friend just because I can’t meet up on this one occasion. It was a last minute invitation and they should understand if I say no”

• How intense is the emotion associated with the new more balanced thought/s?

  • For example:

    • Guilt - 40

Remember – thought challenging takes practice and persistence. If you have thought in a passive way for many years, it is unlikely you will be able to change this thinking style overnight. However with practice, it is very achievable to do so. If you are finding it difficult to challenge your passive thinking, keep in mind these assertive rights as proposed by Manuel J. Smith in 1975:

Your Bill of Assertive Rights

1. You have the right to judge your own behaviours, thoughts and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.

2. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behaviour.

3. You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.

4. You have the right to change your mind.

5. You have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them.

6. You have the right to say, “I don’t know.”

7. You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.

8. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.

9. You have the right to say, “I don’t understand.”

10. You have the right to say, “I don’t care.”

11. You have the right to say, “no.”

12. You have the right to do less then you are humanly capable of doing.

13. You have the right to take the time you need to respond.

14. You have the right to disagree with others regardless of their position or numbers.

15. You have the right to feel all of your emotions (including anger) and express them appropriately.

16. You have the right to ask questions.

17. You have the right to be treated with respect.

18. You have the right to ask for what you want.

19. You have the right to feel good about yourself, your actions and your life.

20. You have the right to exercise any and all of these rights, without feeling guilty.

Read later blogs in this series to learn how to behave more assertively, how to say “no”, how to deal with criticism and disappointment, and how to give and receive compliments.

Maintaining Good Sleep Habits

Sleep plays an important role in our physical and mental wellbeing. Poor sleep can

contribute to:

- memory and concentration problems

- emotional dysregulation

- mood disturbance

- impaired ability to think and make appropriate judgements

- reduced performance and reaction time

- increased levels of stress and anxiety

- increased risk of certain health conditions such as heart disease and obesity

- increased risk of accident and injury

The following are recommended guidelines for amount of sleep required:

Newborn babies (0-11 months): 14-17 hours per day

Toddlers (1-2 years): 11-14 hours per day

Pre-schoolers (3-5 years): 10-13 hours per day

School age children (6-13 years): 9-11 hours per day

Teenagers (14-17 years): 8-10 hours per day

Adults (18-65 years): 7-9 hours per day

Older adults (65+): may need less sleep (7-8 hours) but may have more naps during the day.

It is important to maintain good sleep habits which can help optimise the amount and

quality of sleep:

1. Have a regular time that you go to bed each night and wake in the morning,

including weekends. Irregular sleep patterns can alter your circadian rhythm (or

sleep-wake cycle) and levels of melatonin in your brain (the hormone necessary for

sleep).

2. Avoid napping during the day as this can impact on the amount and quality of sleep.

3. Avoid caffeine for at least 4-6 hours before bedtime as caffeine can interfere with

ability to fall asleep and quality of sleep.

4. Avoid alcohol for at least 4-6 hours before bedtime as alcohol can interfere with the

quality of sleep.

5. Regular daily exercise can assist with sleep, however, exercising just before bedtime

can interfere with ability to fall asleep.

6. It is important to have a healthy diet, however, eating a large meal just before

bedtime can delay onset of sleep.

7. Try not to drink any fluids 1-2 hours before bedtime and go to the bathroom right

before bedtime to reduce the need to wake to use the bathroom during the night.

8. Ensure your bed and bedroom are quiet and comfortable for sleeping, including

ensuring your body and bedroom temperature are at a comfortable level.

9. Avoid studying, working, watching TV or eating in bed so your brain associates your

bed with sleep.

10. Limit screen-use for up to 2 hours before bedtime. The light emitted from electronic

devices, such as smart phones and computers can trick your brain into thinking it is

still day-time, and reduce the production of melatonin which is necessary for sleep.

11. Limit bed-time-thinking. Using bed-time to think about events during the day,

planning for the next day, or balancing your budget can interfere with sleep. Set

aside thinking and planning time well before bedtime.

12. Engaging in relaxing activities for at least half an hour to an hour before bedtime

have been shown to enhance sleep onset and quality. Try listening to relaxing music,

reading a good book, breathing or mindfulness exercises, having a relaxing bath or

shower, drinking a cup of warm milk or caffeine-free tea.

13. If, after 20 minutes, you are still awake, get out of bed and do something quiet,

calming or boring until you feel tired, then return to bed.

14. If sleep difficulties persist, despite developing good sleep habits, consult your doctor

to determine whether there may be other biological factors interfering in your sleep.

What Really Happens in Therapy?

Everyone has an image of what therapy involves, constructed from a mixture of sources that may differ in terms of their reliability. 

It’s so common to be anxious and intimidated about the idea of therapy, and for many, this can be a barrier that proves too big to overcome. The anxiety felt before the first appointment is natural and expected, and typically resolves once the process is demystified and becomes more familiar. 

Here are some of the basics to help explain what goes on behind the closed doors of a therapy room!

• Yes there is a couch. No you don’t have to lie down (unless you want to of course!)
• No you will not be hypnotized.
• You do not have to talk about anything you’re not comfortable talking about. It’s helpful, and even encouraged, to let your therapist know your limits.
• You’re in charge of the process. Your therapist can recommend what they think might be helpful, but it is completely up to you to steer the ship. 
• The first session is the assessment session. This is where the therapist will ask lots of questions to get a clear picture of what’s going on for you at the moment. This may involve your current difficulties, your hopes, dreams, fears, disappointments, joys and stressors. Your history will be also reviewed, in so far as it is relevant to your presenting concerns. Then, your goals will be elucidated to provide the direction for therapy. 
• Please don’t apologise for crying. I personally feel so privileged when people feel comfortable enough in the therapy space to connect with their emotions. The tissues are not there for decoration. It’s also completely OK if you don’t cry!
• Yes you will be asked about your childhood. This is a very informative way of understanding the predisposing factors that may be contributing to your current difficulties. 
• Your therapist is trained in evidence-based techniques to help. This means that they will create a formulation – making sense of your current difficulties, how you arrived there, and why you may be stuck there, and how best to shift things to get you feeling better and moving towards your goals. 
• Going to sessions alone is unlikely to achieve significant change. Skills will be introduced in sessions, which with regular practice, will help you achieve change. 
• Therapy is a pretty special space. It’s one where you are held and met with compassion, empathy, no judgment and unconditional regard. 
• Everyone is different. That means that the therapist you connect with, how many sessions you need and what skills will be most helpful is different for everyone. 

It’s a special job, and I am filled with gratitude towards all my clients for letting me in and allowing me to walk beside them in their lives for a while. If therapy has been something you’ve wanted to look into but fear has held you back, I hope this information has been helpful!

Passive, Assertive or Aggressive? How to Figure out Your Communication Style

Do you have difficulty asking for help? Saying no? Expressing your opinion? Expressing anger?Giving criticism? Stating your needs? Asking for help? You may have difficulty communicating assertively.

Not being assertive enough (passive) can lead to low self-esteem, unhealthy or uncomfortable relationships, feeling out of control of decisions, and feelings of anxiety, stress, resentment or tension. Being passive stops you from saying what you really think and feel, and can lead to those close to you to not really knowing who you truly are. Being passive can also mean you repress anger or frustration which may resurface or be expressed disproportionately in other contexts. Conversely, being too assertive (aggressive) can also lead to unhealthy relationships and loss of friendships.

It is helpful to consider communication styles as being on a continuum. On one end of the continuum is passive communication, in the middle is assertive communication, and at the other end is aggressive communication.

Passive-------------------------Assertive-------------------------Aggressive

What is Passive Communication and What Does it Look Like?

Passive communication is not expressing your honest feelings, thoughts or beliefs, allowing others to violate your rights, or violating your own rights in the way you communicate with others. It is also assuming responsibility for how others may feel or react.

Signs that you communicate passively:

• You slouch
• You avert your gaze
• You often use filler words such as “maybe”, “um”, “sort of”
• You use qualifiers such as “I might be wrong but…”
• You complain about others behind their back
• You put yourself down e.g. “You know me, I’m useless…”
• You apologise inappropriately
• You feel bad or guilty and you don’t know why
• You ruminate
• You use long rambling sentences or beat around the bush
• You believe it is rude or selfish to say what you want
• You worry you will upset others if you assert yourself
• You worry about embarrassing yourself if you say what you think
• You worry that if someone says “no” to your request they don’t like you

Benefits of passive communication:

• You avoid or postpone conflict in the short term
• You alleviate anxiety in the short term
• You are often praised for being selfless
• Others attempt to look out for you
• You are rarely blamed if things go wrong because you have not put yourself out there or taken control of the situation

Costs of passive communication:

• Others take advantage of you
• Your image is restricted to being a lovable, good person in the eyes of others
• Repressing your anger or frustration can lead to inappropriate anger outbursts and feelings of sadness
• Your self-esteem can be impacted

What is Aggressive Communication and What Does it Look Like?

Aggressive communication is expressing your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in a way that violates the rights of others.

Signs that you communicate aggressively:

• You yell
• You lean forward or lean over others
• You cross your arms
• You intrude into the other person’s space
• You debate, argue or try to get the other person to agree with you
• You generalise the person as a whole instead of a specific behaviour they exhibit
• You use put downs
• You express your opinions as fact

Benefits of aggressive communication:

• You feel powerful and in control
• You are able to release tension
• You are less vulnerable
• Things tend to go your way

Costs of aggressive communication:

• Others feel resentment toward you
• You sometimes feel shame or guilt
• You are less likely to have healthy and stable relationships
• It can be difficult to relax

The Passive-Aggressive Cycle

It might be common for you to be passive when you initially meet somebody else in an attempt to get them to like you. The danger here is that they are unlikely to get to know the real you, your needs may be overlooked, and the person may take advantage of you. You may grow to resent this other person over time and begin to communicate more aggressively. You might have unexpected outbursts of frustration or anger, stop returning the persons messages or calls, and you may disregard them as a friend altogether. Instead of beginning this cycle of passive-aggressive communication, start how you mean to continue and attempt to communicate assertively from the first meeting.

What is Assertive Communication and What Does it Look Like?

Assertive communication involves communicating your thoughts, feelings and beliefs in an honest way without violating the rights of others. It is the balanced middle ground between violating other people’s rights when being aggressive, and violating our own rights when being passive.

Signs that you communicate assertively:

• You use direct, non-threatening eye contact
• You communicate emotions appropriately e.g. smiling when pleased and frowning when angry
• You use ‘I’ statements
• You don’t allow others to take advantage of you
• You don’t attack others for their thoughts, feelings or beliefs
• You actively listen to others
• You make the distinction between fact and your opinion
• You actively seek the opinions and suggestions of others
• You are willing to explore several options
• Your speech is steady, direct, relaxed and appropriate in volume

Benefits of assertive communication:

• Your self-esteem will improve as you act more in accordance with your
  true self
• Others will get to know what your true thoughts, feelings and beliefs are
• Frustration and anger will be less likely to build up
• You will get to know others more deeply as you are less preoccupied with their potential for negative evaluation of you 

Costs of assertive communication:

• People close to you that have benefited from you being passive may respond poorly
• Practicing a new very different communication style to the style you have been using your entire life is intimidating

Assertive Communication : Key Tips to Remember

• Assertiveness is not the same as being confrontational or aggressive
• Not every situation requires you to be assertive, e.g. if there is potential for yourself or others to be hurt
• Relatedly, it is important to weigh up the pros and cons of being assertive to people of particular generations, cultures or positions
• Being assertive does not mean you will get what you want - you cannot know the outcome
• It is never too late to change the way you communicate
• Assertive communication has the potential to change the relationships you have with others and the way you view yourself

Read later blogs in this series to learn how to think and behave more assertively, how to say “no”, how to deal with criticism and disappointment, and how to give and receive compliments.

Helping Your Child Overcome Anxiety

Anxiety is one of the most common presentations we see in children. Other terms
used to describe anxiety are fear, nervousness and worries. Your child may be
scared of the dark or strange noises at night. They may be fearful of storms, spiders,
dogs or heights. They may be shy and feel anxious in social situations. They may be
worried about something bad happening and have a need to check things like the
locks on windows or doors. They may feel embarrassed when performing in front of
people, like delivering a speech or being on stage. Whatever the reason for your
child’s worries, there are several ways you can help them.

1. Help Them Stay Calm

When children are anxious, they may experience a number of physical symptoms.
These can include:
- Rapid heart rate
- Fast or shallow breathing
- Butterflies in the stomach
- nausea
- Feeling hot or sweaty
- blushing
- Feeling shaky
- Dizziness
- headaches
- Needing to go to the toilet
You can help your child by encouraging them to take slow, deep breaths. Counting
to 4 or 5 as they breathe in slowly through their nose and the same again as they
breathe out slowly through their mouths can help them calm down and reduce the
physical symptoms they are experiencing. Your child may need to do this for several
minutes until they begin to feel calm.
A relaxation exercise such as laying down and alternately tensing and relaxing their
muscles whilst imagining feeling relaxed and taking slow, deep breaths can also help
them feel calmer.
“Smiling Mind” is a free mindfulness meditation app that can be used with children to
help them relax and feel calm.

2. Encourage Them to Develop More Helpful Ways of Thinking

People who worry often make two thinking errors:
1. They overestimate the chance of something bad happening, and
2. They believe that if what they are worried about does happen, they will not be
able to cope with it. It will be ‘the end of the world’.

These thinking errors can affect how your child is feeling and what they do.
For example: your child hears a strange noise at night and thinks someone might be
trying to break into the house. They feel scared and may hide under their covers,
shaking, or come into your bedroom.

Thoughts ------->  Feelings -------->  Behaviour

You can assist your child to develop more helpful or realistic ways of thinking by
exploring alternative explanations.

For example: your child hears a strange noise at night. It might be a possum walking
on the roof, the neighbour’s cat or a tree branch brushing against the house on a
windy night. These more helpful thoughts can help your child feel calmer and they
may go back to sleep.

There are often plenty of alternative explanations that are likely to be more realistic.
Helping your child develop more helpful or realistic thoughts can help them stay
calm.

Helping them feel able to cope in certain situations is also important in managing
anxiety. For example, your child may worry about being late to school or making
mistakes in their schoolwork. They might worry about being in trouble with their
teacher. The belief is that they won’t be able to cope if they get in trouble. The reality
is often very different. Their teacher may be very understanding of the reason why
they were late to school and assist them in understanding mistakes made in their
schoolwork. Even if the teacher does comment about your child being late to school
or making a mistake in their schoolwork, it is not ‘the end of the world’ that your child
worries it will be.

3. Help Your Child Face Their Fear

Children who worry often avoid situations that they worry about. This may reduce
their anxiety in the short term, however, it strengthens their worry over the longer
term. Being able to face their fears gives them the opportunity to learn that the
situation isn’t as bad as they worry it will be, and that they can cope with it.

For example: your child may worry so much about giving a speech in class that they
avoid doing so. Encouraging them to experience giving speeches can help them feel
more confident and learn that nothing bad will happen to them. Often they worry that
the other children will laugh at them, the children won’t like their speech, or that they
will forget their words. The reality is often very different. No-one might laugh at them,
the other children might really like their speech and find it interesting, and they might
not forget their words. Even if someone does laugh or snigger, or they do forget
some of their words, it is not ‘the end of the world’. They can and do cope.
It is often helpful for children to learn to face their fears in a gradual way. An example
might be:

Step 1: Deliver the speech to Mum or Dad
Step 2: Deliver the speech to Mum, Dad and siblings
Step 3: Deliver the speech to grandparents
Step 4: Deliver the speech to a friend
Step 5: Deliver the speech to a small group of friends
Step 6: Deliver the speech to the teacher
Step 7: Deliver the speech to the class

The steps may be swapped around, depending on how difficult each step may be.
The idea is to start with the easiest step and build up to the hardest step. It can often
be helpful to repeat each step, until your child no longer feels anxious about doing
that step, and then move up to the next step. This step-by-step approach can be
used to help children face many of their fears. Depending on the steps and the goal
they are working towards, it is often helpful for children to stay in the step long
enough to experience their anxiety reduce, or vary the amount of time they stay in
each step to progressively longer amounts of time.

4. Reduce Attention to Worries

Focussing attention on worries often maintains the worry and can increase anxiety.
Helping children focus their attention on something else can assist in reducing their
anxiety. Imagine their worry is a plant and attention is like water. When we give
water to a plant, it grows and gets bigger. When we don’t water the plant, it shrivels
up and dies. When we give attention to worries, they get bigger. When we don’t give
attention to worries, they get smaller and, in some cases, they can disappear.
Encourage your child to think about happy or relaxing things. They might like to
recall a memory of a time when they felt really happy, like on their birthday or on a
family holiday. Help them recall that time in as much detail as they can by using their senses – What can they see? What can they hear? What can they smell? What can
they touch? What can they taste? This can help them focus their attention away from
their worries.

Doing an activity they enjoy can also take their attention away from their worries.
They might like to read a book, draw a picture, play their favourite game, jump on the
trampoline, or ride their bike. It is important that they think about the activity they are
doing, and not think about their worry whilst they are doing the activity.

5. Reward Your Child

It is often hard for children to overcome their worries and face their fears. Rewarding
examples of brave behaviour and their attempts to manage their worries can often
help with motivating them to try harder. These are some examples of rewards:
- Verbal praise
- using stickers or a point system that they can exchange for a tangible reward
- time spent together doing a fun activity

Children can also say positive words to themselves. For example: ‘That was hard,
but I did it!’ or ‘I did a great job’.

Making Big Decisions

I see so many people who are in the grips of making a seemingly impossible and overwhelming life decision. It may be whether to stay in or leave a romantic relationship, whether to change careers, or whether it is the right time to have child. The number of variables to consider in making these big decisions, the amount of uncertainty involved, and the risk involved in getting in wrong means that there is no way around difficulty. And as much as I want to step in and tell my clients what the “right” decision is, unfortunately it isn’t my role, and there is no “right” decision anyway!

Here are some tips to help navigate the decision-making process:

1. Pros & Cons

Put some time aside when you’re not feeling too emotional to write up a list of pros and cons for the options available to you. Make sure you include both short- and long-term consequences.

2. Connect to Your Values

Taking a big picture perspective, think about what truly matters to you deep down. This is the stuff that you want to stand for in your life, the kind of person you’d like to be remembered as, the kind of friend/partner/parent/daughter/employee you’d ultimately like to be. This can be a helpful anchor for the pros and cons exercise to frame whether the different options take you towards or away from these principles.

3. Don't Overthink It

 If multiple options take you towards your values and don’t have disastrous consequences, pick either one. Don’t stress about deciding which is “better” if both are taking you in the right decision. Similarly, thinking too far ahead will complicate matters unnecessarily and introduce too much uncertainty and possibility. 

4. Avoiding Making a Decision is Making a Decision

If the prospect of getting it wrong, or the pressure to make the “right” choice is too overwhelming, we can be paralysed and avoid thinking about the issue altogether. Doing so means that we are actually making a decision anyway. 

5. Reconnect With What Matters

 It can be easy to get so caught up in the mind chatter related to the decision-making that we disconnect from other areas of our lives. Make an effort to stay present and engaged in what matters.

6. Have Self-Compassion

This is difficult stuff. Hold yourself gently, talk to yourself kindly, don’t expect too much of yourself. Have patience, and think about what you would say to a friend in a similar situation. Recognise there is no perfect solution, and it is likely that it will take time to resolve the issue. Practice self-care and look after yourself in the process. 

Ten Ways To Help Your Child Learn To Regulate Their Emotions

Emotional regulation is the ability to exert control over emotional responses. Just like walking and talking, children need to learn to regulate their emotions. Parents play an important role in helping their children learn to regulate their emotions. A child’s ability to successfully regulate their emotions depends on a number of factors:

1.   Biological factors such as the child’s health and development 

2.    A child’s temperament

3.    Environmental factors such as stress, stability, safety and security

4.   Parent-child interaction

Some children are more vulnerable to emotional difficulties, particularly where there may be a chronic health issue, developmental delay or disorder, or where they are exposed to environmental stress and threats to stability, safety and security. 

Whilst parents cannot change some biological factors and some children’s temperaments can be more challenging, here are ten ways you can help your child learn to regulate their emotions:

1. Validate your child’s emotions and help them understand that all emotions are normal and natural. Let your child know that you understand that they are feeling hurt/angry/disappointed or upset. Listening to your child empathically, and showing you understand how they are feeling, can help your child learn to manage difficult emotions.

2. Encourage your child to talk about their emotions. Being able to talk about both positive and negative emotions can help a child understand and manage those emotions. Help them be able to express their negative emotions in a calm and non-aggressive way. Being able to talk about emotions also reduces the need for them to act out their emotions through their behaviour and can help them feel more comfortable expressing their emotions in relationships.

3. Talk about your own emotions in an appropriate way - being open about your emotions can help children to identify emotions and be able to language emotions correctly.

4. Model emotional regulation to your child – show your child how you regulate difficult emotions. Being able to stay calm when your child is upset can help them learn to calm down. Talking to your child calmly about something that has happened, instead of yelling, can help them learn to stay calm and regulate their emotions in difficult situations.

5. Encourage your child to take slow, deep breaths when they are upset to help calm down. Having some space or doing a quiet, relaxing activity can also help them calm down. Apps like “Smiling Mind” have guided meditations for different age groups that can help with relaxation.

6. Teach your child positive self-talk. Negative self-talk is more likely to result in negative feelings. Examples of negative self-talk might be: “I can’t do anything right”, “It’s not fair”, “He/she did that on purpose”. Helping children substitute positive self-talk for negative self-talk can help reduce negative emotions. Examples of positive self-talk might be: “Everyone makes mistakes”, “I can have a turn another time”, “It was just an accident”.

7. Teach your child how to solve problems. Children sometimes experience negative emotions when they are faced with a problem they don’t know how to solve. The first step in problem-solving is to define the problem. Next, identify possible solutions to the problem. Evaluate the solutions in terms of possible outcomes and then choose a solution to implement. Finally, evaluate the result – how did it work out? Having a way of solving problems can help children be able to reduce negative emotions.

8. Help your child to recognise triggers for negative emotions and early warning signs. Being told “no”, losing in a game, or being asked to do an activity your child doesn’t want to do, such as homework or chores, can sometimes trigger negative emotions. Helping children practice how to handle situations that normally trigger negative emotions can help them regulate their emotions when those situations occur in the future. Intervening when parents notice their child looking grumpy, restless, tense or irritated to talk about what is happening, how they are feeling, and what they can do to manage the situation and their feelings can help prevent an emotional outburst.

9. Praise your child’s efforts to regulate their emotions. This can help them develop positive beliefs in their capacity to handle difficult situations. It is important to praise self-control and persistence, particularly in frustrating or disappointing situations.

10. Minimise stress, and ensure stability, safety and security. Stress can come in many forms, such as work, financial, relationship and illness. Minimising stress as much as possible can help reduce emotional arousal. Providing stability, predictability, safety and security at home can help children develop the emotional resources to manage more challenging situations outside the home. Ensuring adequate amounts of sleep, exercise and a providing a healthy diet can help support emotional functioning.

7 Steps for Tackling Social Anxiety

Social interactions are a critical part of day-to-day life, and an important part of what it is to be a human being. Interacting and connecting with others helps us to create meaningful bonds with partners and friends, further our careers, enjoy new hobbies, and add overall enjoyment to our lives. Having social connections has also been indicated to help us when experiencing difficult circumstances such as death, divorce, redundancy, moving house, depression and much more.

Sometimes, however, interacting with others is not as easy as we would like. Meeting new people, even good friends, can feel daunting. Social anxiety can thus be a crippling experience and impacts people in varying degrees. For some, it might mean not wanting to leave the house. For others, it could be a moment of hesitation after a friend asks them for a coffee or to go to a party. The degree to which people experience social anxiety can also change daily.

When we start to experience intense social anxiety, an unfortunate cycle can begin where it feels safer to withdraw than to get out and about. This pattern can become worse and more difficult to reverse over time – possibly leading to isolation and loneliness.

If you want to start enjoying the benefits that social interactions can bring to your life, try out the seven steps below to tackling social anxiety.

Important note: anxiety and stress – in manageable amounts - exists to help us to stay alert, perform demanding tasks and keep safe from physical threat. These steps are not aimed at avoiding feelings of anxiety completely, but to take the edge off or help ride out the feelings so that you can continue to live your life.

1. Learn to Breathe Calmly

Feeling anxious or stressed can change the way that you breathe. You might start to take short, shallow breaths or ‘over breathe’. Learning to breathe calmly can be helpful to slow down your breathing when you start to become anxious.

• Sit in a relaxed position, feet firmly on the floor, shoulders, chest and jaw relaxed.
• Take a slow deep breath in through your nose
• Hold for two seconds
• Let the breath out through your mouth
• Aim to breathe in for 4 seconds, pause for 2, then breathe out for 6 seconds – don’t get too bogged down by timing

It is important to practice this technique, and to practice when you are already feeling relaxed (when watching TV for example). If you practice when you are feeling relaxed, ideally if you start to feel anxious or stressed you will be able to use this technique easily. You might liken it to swimming – you wouldn’t want to be learning to swim if you are already drowning!

2. Engage in Relaxation

It is common for your muscles to become tense when you feel anxious for long periods of time. Engaging in a progressive relaxation of your muscles can assist in reducing this muscle tension. This technique involves purposely tensing different muscle groups in your body and then relaxing them. It is also a helpful technique to learn the difference between feelings of tension and relaxation.

a. Engage in some calm breaths as above
b. Tense muscle group for roughly five seconds – but not to a point of pain
c. Relax the muscle group for 10 seconds
d. Repeat muscle group if desired
e. Notice the difference in sensation in the muscle between tensed and
relaxed

Try this using the following muscle groups:

• Right hand and forearm
• Right upper arm
• Left hand and forearm
• Left upper arm
• Forehead
• Eyes and cheeks
• Mouth and jaw
• Neck – very carefully face forward then pull head back slowly
• Shoulders
• Shoulder blades and back
• Chest and stomach
• Hips and glutes
• Right upper leg
• Right lower leg
• Right foot
• Left upper leg
• Left lower leg
• Left foot

3. Investigate How Your Thoughts are Connected to Your Feelings

It can be easy to confuse how you are feeling with what you are thinking. Feelings and thoughts are in fact separate - thoughts drive our feelings. For example, it would be understandable to be in a crowd of new people and think to yourself “all these new people are making me anxious.” What is likely happening instead is that you are experiencing the thought “I won’t know what to say to these new people”, or “these people are looking at me” or “I’m going to say or do something stupid” and as a result of these thoughts you feel anxious.

A good way of identifying whether you are experiencing a thought or a feeling is to remember that feelings are usually one word, and thoughts are usually a sentence or a few words. For example, feelings might include sad, angry, happy, worried, confused, nervous, or scared. Thoughts might include “it was great to be able to talk to my friends”, or “I wish I hadn’t said that”. 

Being able to separate your thoughts from your feelings is important when tackling social anxiety. This is because when you are feeling anxious in a social situation, it is helpful to notice that there is step in between being exposed to that social setting and experiencing those uncomfortable feelings. What is happening is actually that you are likely viewing the situation, interpreting it based on your individual previous experiences, thinking about it in a particular way based on those experiences, and then experiencing associated feelings. In this way, the way you interpret your social surroundings can influence your thoughts, which then results in different feelings.

Practice examining different situations and identifying all of the different thoughts you might have in that situation. This way you can get an idea of the different feelings that might arise from those thoughts.

Try this scenario out as an example:
You are at the supermarket and see an acquaintance walking toward you. You look at them and smile. They look down at the ground and continue to walk past. What are some of the thoughts you might have in this scenario? What feelings are likely to be associated with these thoughts?

4. Challenge Your Ideas About Social Interactions

When experiencing social anxiety it is typical to see social scenarios and adopt unhelpful thoughts to go along with them. When looking at the example scenario above, based on your previous experiences and the way you interpret the situation, some associated thoughts might be:
“That person must hate me”
“I wonder if I look stupid”
“I must have something on my face”
“I must surely be blushing”
“Why wouldn’t they want to talk to me?”
“I must have done something wrong”
“I hope nobody saw them ignore me”
 

The feelings associated with such thoughts are likely to be unpleasant. You may be left feeling sad, worried, embarrassed, confused, or angry. A vital part in creating more positive or manageable feelings includes challenging these unhelpful thought patterns. It pays to remember - just because you created your thoughts in your mind does not mean they're accurate! It is really important to examine all of the evidence thoughtfully and critically before you start believing your unhelpful thoughts. Some good questions to challenge unhelpful thoughts include:

Have there been any other times where this has been true?
Have there been any other times where this has not been true?
Is this completely true all of the time?
What is some evidence that might contradict this thought?
If somebody else was watching this happen, what might they say?
What would I say to a friend if they were in this scenario?
Are there any other ways of looking at this scenario?
What would be the worst thing to happen if this thought were actually true?
What might be a more balanced way of looking at this?
What was the outcome last time I had this thought in this situation?
Would I have these same thoughts if I were less tired, hungry etc.?
 

After adopting some of this thought challenging, a more balanced thought following the above scenario might be: “That person did not acknowledge me, but they might not have seen me. Even if they did see me, they might be having a difficult day, or they might not have recognised me in this context.”

Creating a more balanced thought such as this is more likely to lead to more
neutral or positive feelings. Creating balanced thoughts will not typically come
easily though, so the key is to practice!

5. Create A Stepladder of Difficult Social Scenarios

It is understandable that if you feel anxious in social settings you would not willingly want to place yourself in these situations. In fact, you have probably come up with some really great strategies to avoid socialising without even realising it. Some examples might be scrolling through your phone while waiting at the doctors, having headphones on in public transport, making sure you have a close friend or spouse in unfamiliar settings, sitting in the backseat of a taxi, having a friend order your drink at a bar, making a booking online instead of over the phone, or standing close to the food table at the party. The problem is, the more you continue to avoid social situations for fear of discomfort or anxiety, the more difficult it will become when you eventually need to face these social situations.

Think carefully about all of the ways you try to avoid feelings of discomfort related to social settings. These might include the examples above, or be more obvious such as avoiding parties, avoiding trying new hobbies or avoiding other group activities. Now attempt to rate all of your uncomfortable social settings from 0-100%. A score of 0% represents no feelings of discomfort whatsoever, and 100% represents feeling as anxious as you could possibly feel - absolutely unable to stand it. Write down all of your ranked uncomfortable social settings in order from 0-100. Make sure to place some situations at the bottom that you already feel reasonably comfortable with (maybe scored 0-10%), such as ordering your daily takeaway coffee.

6. Tackle This Stepladder One By One

After some considerable practice following steps 1-4, you now have the tools to face your feared social situations. Calm breathing, relaxation, and thought challenging will help you to face each of the situations on your stepladder. This may seem like a daunting task. It is important to remember the reasons you want to tackle your social anxiety – is it to make new friends? Join a local sports club? Meet a partner? Or just leave the house more often? By starting small at the bottom of your ladder and exposing yourself to manageable social environments, you will learn that you have what it takes to face these difficult situations and others. As you work your way up the ladder and the situations become more uncomfortable, your anxiety will feel stronger - this is to be expected. Remember to breathe calmly, relax your muscles, and challenge your thoughts. By really sticking with it and staying in the situation, these feelings will diminish over time. The more you work your way up your ladder, you will begin to learn that you are able to stand the uncomfortable feelings of anxiety. Over time with  more and more exposure, those feelings will become weaker, and last for less time. 

Remember: the idea is not to remove anxiety altogether, but to learn that you can ride out the uncomfortable feelings so that you can continue to live your life. However, with enough exposure, social situations might bring not bring about anxious feelings after all!

7. Keep Up Your Progress

Keep exposing yourself to those uncomfortable situations! Celebrate your milestones! There will be setbacks, and some days will be more difficult than others. This is completely to be expected and does not mean you have failed. Think about reasons for possible setbacks – are you getting enough sleep? Are you getting enough exercise? Maintaining a healthy diet? Go back to the drawing board, what might be getting in the way? What strategies have helped in the past? If you begin to feel discouraged, just remind yourself that it likely took many years to develop these feelings of social anxiety, so it is reasonable for them not to disappear overnight. Remember to look at how far you have come already.

Be kind to yourself, breathe calmly, relax your muscles, challenge your thinking, and try again next time. Go back to the start of the stepladder or even back a few steps if you need to. Consistent practice will pay off!

Enjoy the fruits of all of your hard work – you’ve earned it :) 

Pro-tip: maintaining a conversation with someone else is only 50% your
responsibility!

Tackling the Dark Cloud of Depression

Depression can be an incredibly exhausting experience. By its very nature it can make a
person feel hopeless about change. However, there is a huge amount of evidence that
shows depression can lift. Today’s post will show you how to take the first steps to
lifting the dark cloud that is depression.

First, it’s important to know how depression is maintained. A consistent low mood begins to lead to feelings of fatigue, exhaustion and low motivation. This lack of motivation results in you cutting back on previously enjoyable activities, neglecting daily responsibilities, and leaving important decision-making to others. In turn you may feel worthless, guilty, numb or hopeless, and these feels only serve to exacerbate your low mood, and turn it into a depressed mood.

The fatigue in depression is different to normal fatigue. Unlike normal fatigue (e.g. after
running a race) where you need to physically rest, the fatigue in depression requires you
to do more activities to increase your mood. In fact, there is a strong body of research
that shows becoming more active decreases fatigue and increases your ability to think
clearer.

Now, when I say active, I don’t necessarily mean exercise (although exercise can help)!
As humans we need a balance of three types of activities. Those that bring us enjoyment
(or used to bring us enjoyment before depression hit), those that bring us a sense of
achievement or mastery and those that involve other people (socialising).

Here are some practical tips to start to tackle your depression head on:

Draw up a current week in your life

Are the activities you do boring, repetitive or anti-social? Are there large gaps in your
schedule that you fill with sleeping, gaming or watching Netflix? It makes sense then if
nothing good or exciting is going on in your life that you don’t want to get up.

Come up with two lists of activities you can do when you feel low
 

List one - For when your mood is very low (0-3/10)

Example list
Enjoyment – playing with my dog, going on the balcony and sitting in the sun, eating my
favourite snack
Achievement - getting out of bed, having a shower, changing clothes, making a tea,
putting my dirty cups in the sink, clearing my bedside table
Socialising - texting a friend, asking someone you live with how their day was

List two – For when your mood is flat (4-6/10)

Example list
Enjoyment – seeing a movie, going out for lunch, going to gym, reading
Achievement – cleaning my desk, doing part of an assignment, cooking a healthy meal,
paying a bill
Socialising – meeting a friend for coffee, talking to a loved one
Note: It can be useful to make tasks time limited not task limited (e.g. read for 15
minutes, rather than finish the chapter).

After you do an activity, check in with your mood.

How do you feel? Did you mood change? What activities helped you feel better? Do they
help your long term interests? Was there certain activities or times of day that made you
feel worse?

 

Remember: Action before Motivation

Your depression will want you to stay in bed, withdraw and wait for motivation to strike
before you get better. The problem with this is that until you start acting as if you are
better, you won’t get better. Motivation strikes after action. Think about when you last
did an essay or started an assignment. Did you feel worse before you began or towards
the end when most of it was done? Starting anything is the hardest part.

The voice in your head may say things like ‘this is too hard, it’s stupid…you should be
doing more’. Ignore it for now. You can have thoughts, but they don’t have to dictate
your behaviour.

By becoming more active you can see that you have some control over your mood and
even if your mood doesn’t increase every time, it gives you a different focus than the
depression and negative thoughts.

Creating Healthy Boundaries

All people have needs to be loved, feel safe, supported and special. Sometimes when these needs aren’t been met, it may be because we have poor boundaries with those around us.

Signs that your boundaries around your personal relationships may need some adjustment include noticing a decline in your physical health (poor sleep, headaches) and mental health (increased stress, anxiety or low mood) when you think about or are around certain individuals.

Some signs that others may not be respecting your boundaries include:

• You feel constantly criticized and like you can’t do anything right
• The person is very focused on how your actions impact them rather than you or your well-being
• The other person may take no responsibility for their own actions, instead blaming others for their difficulties
• They may put you in positions where you are financially vulnerable
• They may repeatedly interrupt you at inappropriate times and expect you to drop everything for them (when you are at work or at night time whilst trying to sleep)

Here are four tips for developing healthy boundaries with those around you:

1)    Begin to recognize your own feelings, needs and wants in situations instead of considering other peoples needs or feelings first. Before you think about the other person or listen to feelings of guilt, ask yourself: What do I want in this situation? Often we have an intuitive gut reaction, that is often ignored when feelings like guilt or wanting to please others comes up.

2)    Create clear and firm boundaries and don’t reward people for crossing them. If you have told a friend that you cannot meet up this week, but they keep asking, don’t give in after the fourth time. If you do, it reinforces their behaviour (that if they keep asking and pushing your boundaries then you will eventually give in). Examples of setting boundaries may include only replying to text messages after work, restricting the frequency and amount of time you give someone or telling them that you will not tolerate any verbal abuse or criticism.

3)    Provide information on a ‘need to know’ basis only. If you are surrounded by people who gossip (e.g. a parent, co-worker or friend) then provide information on a ‘need to know’ basis only. Just because your friends or family tells you everything doesn’t mean you must reciprocate.

4)    Respect yourself. Setting aside deliberate time each week for yourself will remind you that you are worthy of love and care. Your needs are just as important as others.

If you have a past pattern with poor boundaries, people may be upset or angry with you when you start to look after yourself more.   When you feel distressed or guilty after setting a new boundary, remind yourself that discomfort is a normal part of setting new boundaries. It doesn’t mean you were wrong to set a boundary. This guilt will ease in time.  Setting healthy boundaries may actually improve your relationship with this person long term. 

The Power of Self-Compassion

Everyday, millions of people around the world are facing a silent battle: that of self-criticism. Self-criticism is that negative dialogue in your head that criticizes your self-worth, plants seeds of doubt about your abilities and can cripple your desire to step outside your comfort zone.

Often the internal self-critical voice may have originally been external. If you listen carefully, it may have similarities to the way a caregiver, close friend or a teacher may have spoken to or about you.

Sometimes people who are self-critical have positive beliefs about being mean to themselves.  They may feel it motivates them to do better in life and prevents them getting a big head. However, if you look more closely you may see that self-criticism actually can paralyse you, make you feel bad and is often unfair (e.g. you may be making a global judgement about yourself based on one mistake in a specific area).

The good news is that you can alter the way you think to increase self-compassion in your life:

1.     Step away from debating whether the criticism is true or false. 

Instead, reflect and ask yourself ‘How do I feel when I talk to myself like this? How does it impact my behaviour? Does it lead me closer to or further from the life I want to live? Is it helpful or harmful?’.

2.     Think of how you would treat a close friend. 

Imagine a friend is going through a difficult time. How would you respond to your friend? What tone of voice would you use? What would you say and what would you do? Start practicing talking back to your self-critical voice in this compassionate voice (that you may usually reserve for everyone but you!).

3.     Be gentle with yourself physically.

Often when we are in pain we may feel it in our body. There may be a heaviness in our hearts, tension in our jaw, a sinking in our stomach. When you feel overwhelmed, take both your palms and place them over the part of your body that becomes triggered when you are self-critical. Close your eyes, take three slow breathes in and imagine the warmth of your hand spreading through your body.

4.     Acknowledge that it will take time to change this habit.

Think about how many years you have been self-critical. Change in our self-talk is definitely possible, but it is based on consistent, regular practice. At first, like any new skill, it will feel awkward, unnatural and difficult to believe. This is normal and it will take a few months of dedicated practice to shift.

Four Approaches to Any Problem Situation

We all come across difficult situations and challenging people.. unfortunately it's part of life. Although there is no magic wand to get rid of stressful circumstances (I wish there was!!), we can certainly learn to navigate these bumps in the road more successfully. By learning how to cope with difficulty better, we protect our own emotional wellbeing and make things easier for ourselves. 

A "bump in the road" can come from any area in life. Just how big the bump it is however, is often up to us.

There are essentially four ways we can respond to a problem situation.

1. Leave/Avoid the Problem (if possible) 

This is not as easy as it sounds, and is a tough decision to make. But sometimes, ending the relationship, letting go of a toxic friendship, or leaving your job can be the best way to look after yourself. It's about deciding whether your quality of life will be better if you do leave. You can't know for certain whether this is the case, but you can make a prediction based on past experience. 

2. Accept the Situation & Build Tolerance

This is sucking it up. Coming to a place of acceptance that it is what it is, and learning to live with it. Again, easier said that done. But there are many skills you can learn to work towards acceptance. 

3. Accept What is Outside Your Control & Change What Can Be Changed

I.e. - your behaviour! It is a hard lesson to learn that you cannot control what other people choose to do, along with a whole bunch of other variables. What you do have control over is how you choose to act. Draw the boundaries of your control and act in line with the person you would like to be (even if other people choose poorly!!). This may involve working on your communication, practising assertiveness, changing how your spend your time. (Ideally,  you can work towards practising both 2 & 3  together).

4. Stay, Give Up & Make Things Worse

This is what using no skills looks like - staying in a problematic situation, not doing anything to improve it nor practising acceptance. This option makes things infinitely harder for yourself and others. Ruminating, arguing, worrying, analysing, getting angry, depressed or anxious. This leads to attempting emotional control strategies that also make things harder in the long run - turning to alcohol, drugs, television, shopping, self-harm or food. 

There is no right way to act - by reflecting on what you want the outcome to be, you can decide which approach is going to take you in the right direction. A clinical psychologist can help you develop the skills that make navigating problematic situations much smoother... think of it like servicing your car - we help adjust the suspension so you don't feel the bumps in the road so deeply. 

Remember, the bumps will always be there. Sometimes we just need to get better at handling them.

Managing Stress

Learning to handle stress in healthy ways is very important. Fortunately, it is easy to learn simple techniques that help. These include recognising and changing the behaviours that contribute to stress, as well as techniques for reducing stress once it has occurred.

The following tips can help you look after your mind and body, and reduce stress and its impact on your health.

1. Identify Triggers

There are often known triggers which raise our stress levels and make it more difficult for us to manage. If you know what the likely triggers are, you can aim to anticipate them and practise calming yourself down beforehand, or even find ways of removing the trigger. Triggers might include late nights, deadlines, seeing particular people, hunger or over‑tired children.

2. Establish Routines

Having predictable rhythms and routines in your day, or over a week, can be very calming and reassuring, and can help you to manage your stress.

Routines can include:

• Regular times for exercise and relaxation
• Regular meal times, waking and bedtimes
• Planning ahead to do particular jobs on set days of the week.

3. Spend Time With People Who Care

Spending time with people you care about, and who care about you, is an important part of managing ongoing stress in your life.

• Spend time with friends and family, especially those you find uplifting rather than people who place demands on you.
• Share your thoughts and feelings with others when opportunities arise. Don’t ‘bottle up’ your feelings.

4. Look After Your Health

• Make sure you are eating healthy food and getting regular exercise.
• Take time to do activities you find calming or uplifting, such as listening to music, walking or dancing.
• Avoid using alcohol, tobacco or other drugs to cope.

5. Notice Your Self-Talk

When we are stressed we sometimes say things in our head, over and over, that just add to our stress. This unhelpful self-talk might include things like: ‘I can’t cope’, or ‘I’m too busy’, or ‘I’m so tired’,

6. Practise Relaxation

Make time to practise relaxation. This will help your body and nervous system to settle and readjust. Consider trying some of the following things:

• Learn a formal technique such as progressive muscle relaxation, meditation or yoga.
• Make time to absorb yourself in a relaxing activity such as gardening or listening to music.
• Plan things to do each day that you look forward to and which give you a sense of pleasure, like reading a book.