'And' instead of 'But'

A healthy mind can hold two seemingly opposite ideas together. 

The world is quite strange and stressful at the moment. Most of us have probably experienced a huge range of emotions in the past weeks – fear, anger, pain, sadness, panic, grief, worry, gratitude, love, hope, nostalgia, joy… 

People have lost jobs and businesses, cancelled weddings, had babies without being able to have visitors, postponed holidays, walked empty supermarket aisles, maybe even lost friends or family members. 

People have supported their communities and health workers, received care from neighbours, spent more time with family, re-discovered old hobbies, become creative, reached out to those close to them, up-skilled and successfully taught themselves (in the space of a week!) how to exercise at home/cook with different ingredients/join a Zoom meeting/educate their kids.

We can sit in these two realities without them having to compete.

An underlying ‘symptom’ of mental health concerns, such as depression and anxiety, is distorted thinking. Common thinking “errors” (such as black and white thinking, all or nothing thinking, disqualifying the positive, etc.,) all demonstrate a difficulty with holding two different feelings or two different thoughts together.  

I often see people discount something negative with something positive (or vice-versa).

“I’ve taken a huge pay cut, but I’m thankful I’ve got a job”

“I’m sad I’ve had to cancel my wedding, but I know there are people dying”

“I love my kids, but they are driving me crazy”

“I’m really struggling with staying at home, but I know it’s best for the health system”

“I got to go for a walk today, but I wish I could’ve gone to the beach”

When we use the word “but” we either discount the other statement, or we make a judgement - making one feeling or experience less important and less valid than the other. When, in fact, both statements can co-exist in equal weight.

When we add “but…”, it is often an attempt at perspective-taking or gratitude (both healthy and essential coping mechanisms!). However, sometimes it doesn’t make us (or the person we’re speaking with) feel better. In times like these, we will feel disappointment and sadness and fear and anger. That’s okay! That’s okay even if the disruptions to our life seem to appear small or pale in comparison to the challenges of a global pandemic (in fact, almost everything will seem insignificant when compared to a global pandemic!).

“What resists, persists” – When we resist connecting (or allowing someone else to connect) with the deep feelings of disappointment or sadness or loss or anger, they often persist below the surface. Allowing these feelings to be acknowledged and validated can allow them to be processed more freely and helpfully. We can be more supportive to friends and our family and our children when we validate their experiences. 

I often invite clients to notice the “but” and replace it with an “and”. 

“I’ve had to take a huge pay cut, and I’m thankful I’ve got a job”

“I’m sad I’ve had to cancel my wedding, and I know there are people dying”

“I love my kids, and they are driving me crazy”

“I’m really struggling staying at home, and I know it’s best for the health system”

“I got to go for a walk today, and I wish I could’ve gone to the beach”

DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) has popularised this concept. A core part of DBT is recognising our ‘emotional mind’ (the part of our mind that sees things through the lens of feelings and emotions) and our ‘rational mind’ (the part of our mind that processes things through the lens of reason and logic). When our emotional mind and our rational mind work together (not separately), we can access our ‘wise mind’. Our wise mind can hold emotions and logic together; allowing us to ‘sit in’ the tension and messiness and beauty of life - mixed feelings, experiences, and situations. 

Notice how often we use the word “but”, both in our own self-talk, and when talking with others (particularly children). See if you can catch yourself, and replace it with an “and”. You (or your child, partner, friend, or colleague) might feel more heard and validated. You might find that it creates a much needed space of compassion for yourself and others.

How to Manage your Mental Health when Stuck at Home!

For many of us, these are uncertain and surreal times. Life as we know it has completely changed in a matter of weeks, and a lot of the basic freedoms and activities we took for granted are now off limits. For people with mental health difficulties such as anxiety or depression, or those with additional stress in their lives right now, it’s likely these things will be compounded and this time will be extremely difficult. We are here to help you. And we want to support you in helping yourself! 

It is time to take action now! Here are some tips to help you get through this difficult time!

1.     Acknowledge your emotions. How do you feel about what’s happening? Maybe you feel anxious or scared about catching the virus? Perhaps your worried about the financial or economic impacts? Maybe you’re concerned for loved ones? Overwhelmed? Or hopeless? Frightened? Confused? Grieving? Or maybe you’re conflicted on what to do? Maybe you’re bored? Frustrated? Or maybe even secretly relived or grateful that this is an opportunity to slow down! Whatever you feel, it’s ok! This is a time to acknowledge and allow whatever feelings come up, without judgment! 

2.     Stick to a routine. It’s really hard to maintain structure when all your usual activities have changed. But maintaining structure and routine will increase your sense of control, give you purpose, and help you still achieve what needs to be done! Get up, get dressed, then get moving!

3.     Be flexible. Whilst a routine is important, it’s also crucial to balance this with flexibility. We’re navigating a totally new way of living, and it’s inevitable that not everything will go to plan. That’s ok, learn to let go of fighting for things to be perfect, and just do your best to adapt effectively when barriers arise!

4.     Prioritise connection. This will be a time when many normal social activities will be reduced. Human connection with others is critical for wellbeing, and loneliness and isolation will make things so much worse! Find other ways to connect. Phone calls, messages, and videochats can be ways to maintain your support network and also let others know they’re not alone.

5.     Focus on relationships at home. If you live with others, it’s likely the increased stress and tension will make everyone snappy. This is a time to remind yourself of your priorities. If the relationship with that person matters, be gentle in the way you communicate with them. Focus on empathy, validation and warmth, rather than getting what you want at the cost of the connection between you. Similarly, focus on your relationship with yourself. You matter too! If you need help, support or space, find a healthy way to communicate that to increase the chance of those needs being met!

6.     Do at least one pleasant thing each day. It’s hard to be happy if you’re always focused on the things that are not going well. Try to ensure you do one thing each day that makes you smile, or that you enjoy, or are interested in. Maybe something you don’t normally feel you have time to do? Read that book that’s been on your shelf for a year! Take a long bubble bath or pamper yourself! Watch your favourite movie? Play an instrument or listen to your favourite song? Or perhaps explore a new hobby? Whatever you do, try your best to fully participate in the moment. Let go of all the other things you feel you should be doing, and instead treat this as a crucial part of your wellbeing plan!

7.     Write a list of things you need to get done and tick them off one by one. Alongside pleasurable activities, having a sense of achievement is also important for wellbeing. Ticking things off as you go can be a quick way to help prioritise, and let you enjoy that sense of accomplishment!

8.     Use this time for reflection. If you normally hurtle through life at a million miles an hour, could you use some of the time you would normally spend getting ready or commuting to reflect on your life, your goals, and your values? Is there anything you would like to be different when this stage passes and normal activity resumes? If so, is there anything you could do to take small steps towards that valued way of living now?

9.     Empower yourself to focus on the things you can control rather than what you can’t. Tolerating uncertainty is so difficult for all of us. Spending all day thinking “What if X happens?” or “How long will this last?” will probably intensify any anxious feelings and make it really hard to stop worrying. Instead of focusing on things that you cannot control, try redirecting your attention to things that you have some capacity to change or influence. For example, instead of dwelling on “Will I or my family catch it?” You could try focusing on what you can actually do. You may not be able to guarantee you won’t be exposed, but you can control how often/thoroughly you wash your hands and how much you stick to government recommendations on social distancing. 

10.  Prioritise your physical health. For many people, reduced access to certain foods, and gyms/ boot camps being closed will make it much harder to maintain physical health. But these are obstacles to overcome, not roadblocks that need to stop you in your tracks! Physical health has a powerful impact on mood and emotion regulation. Try home workouts, eating balanced meals, prioritising sleep hygiene, and resting if unwell. In addition, try not to engage in alcohol/substance use as a means of coping!

11.  Practice mindfulness, deep breathing, relaxation strategies, or meditation. For a lot of people, these things seem like an unwanted chore- extra effort they don’t have the energy or attention to engage in. But they are strategies backed by mountains of research for a reason! If you can overcome any resistance and give them a proper try, you might be surprised at the positive changes you notice. Download an app like Headspace, Smiling Mind, or Insight Timer for free! Or simply focus on mindfully eating lunch or taking a shower whilst noticing the different smells, sounds, sights, and sensations you experience. There are so many ways to adapt these techniques- find what works for you!

12.  Choose what you watch/read/listen to. There is a lot of information and opinions floating around. Try to choose reliable sources such as government websites, rather than media outlets that often have an agenda of grabbing interest through eliciting strong emotional reactions in people. Focus on the facts, not the worst-case scenarios. 

13.  Get some fresh air! Go for a walk whilst maintaining social distancing, or if in quarantine, go into your garden, or even just sit by a window and inhale some fresh air! 

14.  Practice Radical Acceptance.  Radical acceptance is a skill taught in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). It involves truly accepting reality as it is. This means completely accepting with your mind, your heart, and your body. It also involves letting go of the struggle, bitterness, and resentment that life is not the way you want it to be, that life is cruel or unfair, or that painful experiences shouldn’t have happened, or shouldn’t be happening right now. We do not need to approve of, or like, or agree with what is happening; but we do need to acknowledge the facts of reality in order to prevent any pain we’re experiencing turning into increased suffering. Ruminating about the past, worrying about the future, wishing things were different, and refusing to accept reality as it actually is leaves us feeling stuck. It leaves us unable to process what is happening, unable to choose how to respond, and unable to make any changes we need to make in order to live a life that is meaningful to us, no matter what challenges are thrown our way!

15.  Finally, seek professional support. Our team is here to support you. Reach out and book a session- we can offer telehealth if required! Or make use of any of the national helplines – Lifeline, Beyond Blue, Kids Helpline and many others can be found here: https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/mental-health-helplines. Don’t suffer in silence. Your pain, distress, worry, fear are all completely understandable in this unprecedented time. You are not alone. Don’t ever feel like there is no hope for you. We, and thousands of other mental health professionals care deeply for your wellbeing and will do whatever we can to assist in helping you through this challenging time!

The Power of Validation in Parenting

What is Validation?

Validation is a way of letting those around us know that we recognise what they are going through. It involves acknowledging that their experience is real to them, and understandable based upon the context of their lives or situation. It does not mean we necessarily agree or would feel the same way ourselves, but it does mean we demonstrate acceptance and respect for another’s perspective without judgment.

Validation can be a powerful tool in building connections, strengthening relationships, and helping others to feel supported and confident in being themselves. For children in particular, it can be critical to aiding their emotional awareness and capacity to express their feelings. If, instead of telling children to “stop having a tantrum”, or “you’ve no reason to be upset” we tried to understand their perspective and acknowledge we hear them (regardless of whether or not we agree!), there’s a stronger chance they will open up to us, and enable us to collaboratively solve problems with them instead of getting caught up in a power struggle, which often escalates any difficult feelings they are struggling to manage.

Why Is Validation So Hard?

All too often, when those we care about are experiencing overwhelming emotions it makes us uncomfortable too. When it comes to parenting this can be particularly true! Perhaps you don’t like seeing your child upset? Or maybe you feel their reaction is not appropriate? Or perhaps you simply think their thoughts or feelings are not justified? It’s common to jump straight into reassurance or trying to fix the problem, or perhaps offering advice. Or sometimes overtly dismissing their inner experiences by telling them to stop feeling or thinking a certain way. Many parents do this with the best of intentions, but what are the consequences to the way the child see themselves and their emotions, or to the shared relationship between you?

What is the Difference Between Validation and Other Ways of Responding?

Reassuring

Whilst reassuring seems like a nice thing to do, if you reassure without validating it can actually make people feel more alone and misunderstood. Have you ever tried to talk to a friend or partner about something and have them respond “Don’t worry, everything will be fine”? On the surface it seems supportive, but the reality is it often leaves us feeling they don’t get what we’re experiencing and can feel dismissive. How might it be different if they validated your experience instead? “I can hear you’re really worried about this. Tell me more about what’s bothering you?” Or even validated first and then reassured “It makes sense you’re really worried about this because it’s so important to you. At the same time, I really believe everything will be ok”.

Problem Solving and Advice Giving

If we try to problem solve too quickly it can leave the other person feeling like we don’t understand their pain or suffering. If something happened that you felt awful about and you told a friend, how would you feel if they jumped in with “Well next time you should do this instead”. Would you feel supported and understood, or perhaps judged and alone? How might that be different to if they validated your feelings by saying, “Oh it’s so disappointing things didn’t turn out like you hoped!”?

Dismissing Thoughts and Feelings

Has anyone ever said “Stop being so angry and calm down” to you when you’re really upset? Or “Stop worrying, that’s never going to happen”? How does that feel? For most of us, not great. If our thoughts and feelings are dismissed not only can we feel misunderstood and frustrated, but it can lead to beliefs that we shouldn’t think or feel the way we do, and by default that there must be something wrong with us. This can trigger other emotions like shame and guilt or can lower our self-esteem and make it very difficult for us to open up to others and let ourselves be vulnerable!

Parenting Validation in Action

With a Younger Child

If your child falls over and scrapes their knee it’s often not helpful to tell them  “Stop crying, it’s only a tiny scrape!”. You may not feel it warrants the reaction they are having, but to them, it hurts, and that is why they are crying. If you tell them to stop, not only does it teach them expressing their feelings is bad, but it teaches them their feelings are wrong. It also teaches them they can’t rely on you for support when they’re suffering.

If instead you reply “I can see that really hurt you” with empathy instead of judgment, its likely they will recognise you understand what they are experiencing and will feel supported. This makes it more likely they will accept any subsequent reassurance or problem-solving to help move past it. For example, “Ow! That really hurt! Would you like a hug or a band-aid to help you feel better?”

With an Older Child

If your child doesn’t want to go to their swimming lesson and you’ve already paid for the term it’s probably not helpful to say, “You are going whether you like it or not-stop whinging and get in the car!”. Maybe the child will comply, maybe they won’t, but it’s likely they will feel angry and upset and there will be a consequence to how close to you they feel. Over time this pattern can make them feel more and more disconnected from telling you what they’re feeling.

Instead you could try “I can hear you really don’t want to go. Can you tell me why? “Oh, that makes sense. I can see why you would rather give it a miss if you you’re feeling like that. I wish I could say yes to skipping it today, but it’s really important to me that we go every week. Let’s see if we can figure out a way to make it easier for you to go today”.

With an Adolescent

If your teenager were to break-up with a partner they’d only been dating for a few weeks and was absolutely devastated it may be tempting to say “Why are you so upset, you barely knew them! You’ll soon meet someone new”. It may seem reassuring and logical to you, but they are in emotional pain. Logically trying to dismiss those emotions is unlikely to make them feel supported in that moment. Instead you could try “I can see you’re really devastated! Tell me more about what happened!”. If you can remain non-judgmental for the rest of the conversation whilst validating their experiences “Wow that really hurt you”… “I can hear how much you were hoping it would work out” there’s a good chance they will feel supported by you, connected to you, and will learn they can trust you to be there when they need it.

Validating Thoughts and Feelings not Behaviours

When using validation as a means of connecting with your child, it’s important to remember you can validate their internal experiences, without agreeing to the behaviours or actions that may follow. For example, 

• if your child feels anxious about going to school you can validate how hard that must be and how understandable it is they want to stay home, whilst still remaining firm that they need to attend.

•  If your child is angry, you can validate it makes sense they are upset and it’s ok to feel that way, whilst still making it clear that it’s not ok to yell or hit. 

If your teenager is reluctant to do an important assignment and instead wants to play videogames or go on social media you can validate it’s understandable they would much rather be doing something fun, and at the same time maintain boundaries around only allowing them to do those things once homework is completed.

Self-Validation

A final thing to keep in mind when considering validation in the context of parenting is how important it is to validate yourself. Parenting is tough, and your child will not necessarily validate your experiences the same way you’re trying to validate theirs. In fact, there may be many times when they will demonstrate they do not think your way of thinking or feeling is valid. And that’s ok! It’s not their job as a child to validate you as a parent! Chances are, however, the more you validate them the more they will naturally have the opportunity to learn this skill and way of interacting and use it for themselves! 

Telling yourself “It’s ok that I’m feeling frustrated this isn’t turning out the way I hoped” or “I’m trying my best right now and it’s understandable I’m exhausted” is an important act of self-compassion that will likely help you feel much better than beating yourself up each time things don’t go to plan! And just like with your children, validating your feelings doesn’t mean you have to act upon them! Parenting is hard work! It’s completely understandable there will be times you feel frustrated, hurt, angry, worried, or overwhelmed. Acknowledge it and validate what you feel in that moment. Then take a deep breath and choose how to respond effectively!

Grief and Loss

I recently attended the funeral of a friend who died a few weeks before his 30th birthday. The entire day was an experience of many mixed emotions. It was a sad, messy, confusing, frustrating, joyful, exhausting, and tense day. 

I have worked with a variety of people who have experienced grief and loss in their life. Sometimes people meet with me and in the first session express that they want a space to “process grief” or work through a loss that they “haven’t dealt with”. Other times I’ve worked with people presenting with concerns in other areas of their life, and they’ve come to discover an underlying experience of grief or loss of something or someone that they haven’t realised has been impacting them.  

When working with clients who present with grief and loss, I often find it helpful to remind them of the following things:

1. Grief can be wide-ranging

When we think of grief and loss, we often think of the death of a person, usually someone close to us. But experiences of grief and loss can occur following a wide range of events – including the death of a celebrity of world-figure, the serious illness or physical decline of someone we know, the death of a pet, the termination or change of a job, the end of relationship or marriage, the progression of children into adulthood, a loss of physical or mental wellbeing (especially fertility), major life transitions including parenthood and retirement, and when giving up unhealthy habits (such as substance use, or disordered eating).

All of these events represent a change from one way of life, or one experience of life, to another. They are often irreversible, and represent a future that is unknown or significantly different to the future we had perhaps imagined.  

2. Avoid pathologising grief

The thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that follow a loss are not ‘pathological’. That is, they are not a disorder. Whilst experiences of grief can look and feel like depression (and perhaps can develop into a depressive episode or disorder), it is expected and even healthy to experience grief.  

Having said that…

4. Mo

3. There’s no ‘normal’

A common question I get asked is “is this normal?”. Is this normal for me to feeling this way, for this long, about this…? Is it normal for me to not be feeling like this, in this way, about this? There is no ‘manual’ for grief, and no prescribed or regular way to process something like loss that is often incredibly confusing and painful. 

It can be really helpful here to acknowledge that each individual, each family, and each community or culture has different rituals and process of grief. I’ve worked with people who, when someone has died, wore black to a funeral and cried for days, and others who wore colours to a celebration of life service and laughed. I’ve worked with families who talk of deceased person often and who still celebrate their birthdays, and other families who are unable to speak of that person again. Some cultures and religions have set periods of mourning; other cultures have expectations for people to ‘move on’. Some people take days to process grief, others take years. 

4. Models of Grief

Perhaps the most famous psychological framework on grief was proposed by Kubler-Ross, and her ‘5 Stages’ - including denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. What I find helpful about this model is that it normalises the range of feelings that might accompany a loss – particularly anger or denial, which can feel uncomfortable or incongruent. However, my experience in working with people with grief and loss is that we can often ‘cycle through’ or ‘bounce around’ all five of those feelings, and move back into denial or anger or depression, even after seemingly reaching acceptance.

Another model of grief I like to explain to clients is Worden’s ‘tasks of grief’ or the ‘TEAR Model’. It suggests that the tasks of grief are to (1) accept the reality of the loss, (2) experience the pain off the loss, (3) adjust to the new environment without the lost ____ and (4) reinvest in the new reality. This model sometimes provides us with a bit more information about where we might be getting ‘stuck’ in the grief process, and what we can be doing to work through the grief. 

Overall, it is often most helpful to be self-compassionate rather than self-critical about the way we are (or someone around us is) managing grief. Creating spaces of awareness for what we are feeling, why we might be feeling that way, and allowing those feelings to occur can be a helpful place to start your grief process. 

Coping Skills for Children: Getting started and Relaxation

In my last blog I explored calm breathing in detail, as this an important coping skill that children can use in many situations when they feel anxious or afraid. I noted that children who learn healthy coping skills, such as calm breathing, can become more confident and resilient, and will also be more resilient and able to manage stress in healthy ways as adults.

Of course, there are many more coping skills that children can learn and use, and it is important for children to have a range of coping skills to choose from, as some coping skills will suit particular situations better than others. For example, what works well in a bedroom at home (e.g. doing jumping jacks) may not be acceptable during class at school. Also, which coping skills an individual child will find useful will depend on their interests and preferences. In my next few blogs I will describe a range of coping skills that children may benefit from.

Tips for getting children started on coping skills

• One at a time: Learn one coping skill at a time.

• Start calm: Help the child to learn and practice a coping skill when they are not anxious or worried. Ask them how they feel before and after using the coping skill.

• Give it a go: Encourage the child to try each coping skill, just to see how it feels. Sometimes it will take a few times before they get the hang of it.  They may be surprised by how a skill works for them. But if they still hate it after a few attempts, try another skill.

• An individual approach: Make it more fun, and likely to work, by tailoring coping skills to the interests of the child – be creative and think about what they enjoy.

Relaxation-based coping skills

Now I would like to outline some more relaxation-based coping skills that children may find helpful, because they help the children to relax and calm themselves. 

In addition to calm breathing, children can learn to use visualisation, grounding and muscle relaxation techniques:

1.     Calm place visualisation 

Ask the child to think of their favourite place that is calming for them. It could be a favourite chair, their bedroom/bed, a beach, garden, veranda, or park. Or they can make up a place that they find calming (e.g. a shady garden with a waterfall, soft grass, flowers and birds). 

Once they have the place clearly in their mind, ask them what they can see, feel, hear, smell and taste. For example, the soft grass or bed under them, a warm gentle breeze, the blue sky above, scented flowers, the sound of the waterfall splashing. Encourage them to spend a few minutes exploring and experiencing all their senses in their visualised place.

Explain that this is like a ‘mini holiday’ that they can have whenever they feel like it. It will get easier to visualise and experience their chosen place if they practice ‘going’ there more often.

2.  Present moment grounding

The 5 senses (5-4-3-2-1) grounding technique can help children mentally step back from their thoughts and fears, and help them to relax and focus on the present moment. Ask the child to do the following:

Look: name 5 things you can see

Feel: name 4 things you can feel (e.g. their weight on the chair, soft clothes, the temperature of the air, their warm breath).

Listen: name 3 things you can hear

Smell: name 2 things you can smell

Taste: name 1 thing you can taste

3. Relaxing muscles

Progressive Muscle Relaxation, or PMR, systematically tenses and then relaxes many of the muscle groups of the body. In this way PMR demonstrates the association between relaxed muscles and a relaxed mental state, and can help children feel calmer by helping them relax tensed muscles. PMR works by helping the child to learn to feel the difference between tensed muscles and relaxed muscles. Once they have mastered this, the child can learn to notice muscle tension that occurs when they are anxious or worried, and relax their muscles in response. 

It can take some time for a child to learn how to do this technique on their own, so it is important for them to be guided through the process a number of times. There are numerous YouTube videos/audio guides, apps and PMR scripts readily available to help with this – find one that you think will suit you and your child.

Don’t forget that these coping skills are also relevant to adults – give them a try yourself!

Calm Breathing For Children

Why is calm breathing important?

Calm, or deep, breathing is an important coping skill that children can use in many situations when they feel anxious or afraid. Children who learn healthy coping skills, such as calm breathing, can become more confident and resilient. They will also be more resilient and able to manage stress in healthy ways as adults.

When we are calm, our breathing and heart rate is normal and our muscles are relaxed. This is what is happening when you are relaxed and reading or watching something on TV. But this all changes when we feel nervous, anxious or afraid. Imagine if a lion suddenly strolled into the room! This would trigger a ‘fight or flight’ response. Our heart rate would increase, our stomach would stop digesting, and our breathing would become faster and shallower. These changes prepare our bodies to deal with the threat in front of us. We experience similar responses whenever we feel anxious or afraid, even if the source is not physically present.

It is known that we can use calm breathing to return ourselves from the ‘fight or flight’ state, to our usual calm state. Exactly how this works is not fully understood, but recent studies have indicated that breathing patterns may determine whether the arousal systems in the brain are activated or not. This confirms that how you breathe can influence your state of mind. Deep, calm breathing can help you be calm and lower stress.

So calm breathing can make a big difference to how children (and adults) cope with stressful situations. 

What is calm breathing?

Calm breathing is using slower, deeper breathing to calm the body and mind.  By learning to take long, slow, deep breaths, children can learn how to calm themselves down when they feel anxious or afraid.

Often when we breathe, we take shallow breaths using our chest. Calm breathing means breathing much deeper than that, using our diaphragm (the thin muscle at the base of your chest that controls the air coming into, and going out of, your lungs). You can tell when you are using your diaphragm well because your stomach will expand and deflate like a balloon under your ribcage as you breathe in and out. You can feel this by putting your hand just under your ribcage as you breathe.

Helping children learn calm breathing

Many children (and adults!) have difficulty learning how to take deep breaths properly. When asked to take a deep breath they might start hyperventilating or take a big breath in…without letting it out again. 

Luckily there are many ways we can help children of all ages learn how to take slow, deep, calm breaths using their diaphragm (make sure their stomach is rising and falling), and most children can find a method that works for them. Some methods for getting started include: 

Blowing bubbles

There are two ways blowing bubbles can be used to practice calm breathing:

1.     Blowing ‘soap’ bubbles is fun, but children have to concentrate and blow slowly and gently to create the bubbles, helping them to take deep breaths.

2.     Blowing bubbles through a straw into a glass of water can also be used to encourage slow, deep breathing.

Soft toy helper

If the child lies on their back, they can place a favourite soft toy on their stomach.  They can then try and breath so that when they breathe in the toy rises, and when they breathe out, the toy goes down.

Make it move

Have the child blow a hanging ribbon, feather, tissue paper or windmill slowly for as long as they can. They can make their own craft item to blow.

Imagination help

Rainbow breathing: This breathing technique is all about painting the colours of the rainbow across the sky. The child starts with their arms down beside their body, then they

1.     Breathe in as they slowly raise both arms straight up above their shoulders. 

2.     Hold their breath and arms up for 3-5 seconds.

3.     Slowly lower their arms until they are level with their shoulders, while breathing out.

Snake breathing:

1.     Breathe in.

2.     Hold for 3-5 seconds.

3.     Make a hissing sound when breathing out for as long as possible.

Ocean Breathing

1.     Take a deep breath in and imagine the wave gathering height 

2.     Breathe out for as long as possible, and imagine the wave onto the beach with a ‘shhhhhhh’ noise.

Colour Breathing

1.     Take a deep breath in, and imagine a happy and calm colour filling their body. 

2.     Breathe out for as long as possible, and imagine a colour that represents all their worries and fears leaving their body.

Breathing using shapes

Calm breathing can be guided using several shapes. Two of the most simple are:

Triangle breathing: Imagine a triangle and move around the shape. Along the first side, inhale to the count of 4. Along the next side, hold your breath for a count of 4. As you move along the final side of the triangle, exhale to a count of 4. This is one deep breath.

Square breathing: This is sometimes taught in schools. It is similar to triangle breathing, but imagine a square and, on the fourth side, hold your breath again for a count of 4.

Breathing using numbers

4-7-8 Breathing

1.     Breathe out all the air in their lungs through their mouth.

2.     Breathe in silently through their nose for four seconds (count silently to four).

3.     Hold their breath for seven seconds (count silently to seven).

4.     Breathe out through their mouth making a ‘whooshing’ sound for eight seconds (count silently to eight).

Count to 10 

·       Breathe in ONE

·       Breathe out TWO

·       Breathe in THREE

·       Breathe out FOUR

·       Breathe in FIVE

·       Breathe out SIX

·       Breathe in SEVEN

·       Breathe out EIGHT

·       Breathe in NINE

·       Breathe out TEN

Use your own imagination to come up with more ideas that suit your child’s interests! 

Whichever method is preferred, make sure that children are breathing so that their stomach moves as well as their chest. It helps to be sitting up straight too. Encourage children to use their calm breathing when they feel worried. Practicing calm breathing exercises regularly (5-10 mins per day) can train a child to be calmer, and respond better, when feeling anxious or afraid.

Apps and videos

There are also Apps and videos (YouTube) that will help guide children through many of these methods. 

Some examples of appropriate Apps:

• Calm

• Smiling Mind

• Breathe, Think, Do with Sesame

• Headspace

• Stop, Breath and Think Kids

Why Is Worrying So Hard to Stop?

Many clients come to see me saying that their life is dominated by worrying. They often say, “I worry about everything”, whether that is work, school, relationships, friendships, money, their kids… or perhaps their future, their health, their body image…or everything in between. All of us worry at times, but for some it feels relentless and uncontrollable! The more they hear from friends and family “don’t worry, everything will be alright!” or “just chill out”, the worse they feel that no one seems to understand how hard it can be to stop. 

Does this sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone! Current estimates from the Department of Health suggest approximately 2.3 million Australians are currently living with an anxiety disorder. That’s a lot of people doing a lot of worrying! 

For some, learning some simple strategies to reduce their worrying can make a big difference in a short space of time. For others though, there can be deeper seated beliefs about worrying itself, and these can actually be a barrier to effectively finding a way to reduce it!

Positive Beliefs About Worry

It may sound strange, but a lot of people who feel their worrying is a problem also have positive beliefs that it is helpful to them in some way. And when you think about it, it makes sense that if something is perceived to be helpful, these people would be reluctant to give it up! Why don’t you ask yourself whether any of these ring true for you?

o   Worrying prevents bad things from happening.

o   Worrying motivates me to do better and make less mistakes.

o   Worrying helps me to be prepared in case bad things happen.

o   Worrying helps me to solve problems.

o   Worrying helps me to remember things and stay on top of everything.

And these are just a few examples. The flip side of this, is that people often hold negative beliefs about worry too, i.e. that it is harmful to them, or beyond their control. The problem with these beliefs is that the more you worry about worrying, the more worried you become overall. You’re now not only worrying about the situation that first triggered the worry, but you’re worrying about the worry itself! Sounds exhausting right? Let’s see if any of these sound familiar?

Negative Beliefs About Worry

o   Worrying damages my health.

o   Worrying is out of my control – I just can’t help it!

o   I’ll go crazy from worrying too much.

o   Worrying will cause a heart attack

o   Once I start worrying I can’t stop.

So, What Can You Do?

If you’ve identified that some of those positive or negative beliefs about worry are true for you, the good thing is there’s a few different things you could try!

1.     Examine the evidence. 

What is the evidence your belief is true? What is the evidence it might not be? Is there another way you could achieve the same result without worrying?

For example, if you believe worrying helps you to stay on top of things or perform better, try to recall times when your worrying was at its worst. What evidence do you really have that you were functioning to the best of your ability? Or is there actually more evidence you were distracted by worrying which made it harder to concentrate on anything? 

Could you find more helpful ways to stay on top of things such as writing a list of all the tasks you need to do and ticking them off one by one?

2.     Test out your beliefs. 

If you’re unsure of what evidence there is to support or contradict your beliefs – test it out! Imagine you’re a scientist conducting an experiment and objectively see what happens!

For example, if you believe worrying prevents bad things from happening then try keeping a worry record to test this out. Identify some specific worries that bother you the most – for example getting fired, someone you love being in an accident, or doing badly on an assignment. Then on one day allow yourself to worry as much as you want about these things and record how many of them come true. The next day, each time you notice you are starting to worry, gently redirect your attention back to whatever task you are doing and really focus on the present moment. You can even tell yourself you’ll go back to worrying as much as you like the next day! Again, keep a record of how many of your worries come true. Keep alternating worry days with non-worry days. At the end of the week look back on what’s happened. If worrying is really a protective strategy you would expect to see that nothing bad happens the days you worry, but everything you fear comes true the days you don’t. If there’s no clear pattern, what could this mean about your belief? 

You might then want to look at how many of your worries actually came true overall. Some research suggests as few as 10% of the things people are worried about actually happen. If you find similar results, what might this mean? How helpful is it to be consumed by inaccurate worries that don’t actually come true 90% of the time?

The same technique can also be used to test out any negative beliefs. if you believe you’ll go “crazy” from worrying, test it out! What does “crazy” mean to you? Set aside half an hour and worry as much as you can. Then observe what has happened? Have you actually gone “crazy” or are you just a bit more stressed than usual? What could this mean about your belief?

Once your positive and negative beliefs about worry itself start to shift or become less rigid, it’s likely you’ll have more success reducing it through other strategies. These may include: mindfulness, relaxation strategies, journaling, scheduling in worry time, identifying and challenging negative thinking patterns, or perhaps working out if there’s a problem within your control underlying the worry; and then figuring out how to actually solve it. Or maybe planning how to cope ahead if your worries were to come true, instead of just going around in circles fearing the worst!

Alternatively, you might take a different approach where you focus on identifying whether worrying moves you towards, or away, from the life you want to live and the person you want to be. You might observe whether trying to control the worry is actually increasing your struggle with it and thus your level of suffering. If this is the case you might work on simply observing the worries as they arise without judgment, before choosing to engage in valued activities anyway. This may allow you to build a rich and meaningful life without getting “hooked” by the worries as they inevitably pop up from time to time!

Coping with Trauma: How To Support Your Young Person

The devastating bushfires across Australia have had unprecedented environmental, financial, social and emotional impacts. One of the biggest concerns for parents is monitoring the wellbeing of their children. Understandably, a lot of parents want to know how they can best support their children and adolescents, and the signs to look out for that may indicate extra support is needed.  

Who is affected?

 ·      In children under 6, those who directly experience an event, witness the event as it occurs to others (especially primary caregivers) or learn that the event occurred to a parent or caregiver.

·      In children/adolescents over 6, those who directly experience the event, witness the event as it occurs to others, or learn that the event occurred to a close family member or close friend. 

Exposure to such events is actually fairly common, and by the age of 16 years, more than two thirds of children will have experienced exposure to at least one traumatic event. 

Not all young people exposed to these events will develop significant psychological problems. Many young people will recover with the help of family and social support. Current research suggests that between 10-30% of young people may go on to develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or another mental health problem. 

Common issues experienced by children and adolescents following trauma include:

·      Sleep problems

·      Irritability, anger, aggression

·      Temper tantrums, difficult and challenging behaviour in preschool aged children

·      Concentration and memory problems

·      Hyper-alertness

·      Depression

·      General anxiety, separation anxiety

·      Development of specific trauma-related fears

·      Regression in or loss of previously mastered developmental skills (e.g. speech, toileting) 

·      New fears which are not associated with the traumatic event (e.g. fear of going to the toilet alone)

·      New awareness of own mortality

·      Survivor guilt 

Signs of post-traumatic stress disorder typically become evident one month following a traumatic event (these signs are not necessarily a sign of psychological problems in the month immediately following an event):

·      Re-living the traumatic event (unwanted memories, vivid nightmares, flashbacks or intense reactions when reminded of the event, repetitive play re-enacting the event)

·      Feeling wound up (having trouble sleeping or concentrating, feeling angry or irritable, taking risks, being easily startled or constantly on the lookout for danger)

·      Avoiding reminders of the event (such as activities, places, people, thoughts or feelings that bring back memories of the trauma)

·      Having negative thoughts or feelings (such as fear, anger, guilt, or feeling flat or numb a lot of the time).

Here are some tips for providing the support your child and adolescent needs following a traumatic event:

·      Your wellbeing matters: The mental health and coping style of parents have a big influence on how well your children cope. So make sure you’re looking after yourself, seeking help if needed, and getting support.

·      Provide lots of reassurance: Again and again let your child know that they are safe, and that the traumatic event is over. 

·      Keep to old routines as much as possible: Routines provide safety, structure and consistency. Try and also be consistent in your responses and interactions with your child as well. 

·      Provide opportunities for your child to talk: About what happened, and how they’re feeling, only if they want to. 

·      Seek further support – If you notice any of the above symptoms persisting one month following the traumatic event, and/or have any concerns – talk to your GP about a referral to see a clinical psychologist. There are effective treatments available, with evidence-based therapy known to be helpful. Treatment is focused on helping the mind pull all the information together, sort through it, make sense of it and store it away in a more organised way. Therapy is also designed to teach the person skills to better manage their emotional responses. 

This content has been developed by drawing on the guidelines from Phoenix Australia: The Centre for Posttraumatic Mental Health. 

Problem Solving for Children (and Adults)

Children face problems and challenges everyday. Some of these will be small and manageable, and others will be more difficult and possibly feel overwhelming or frustrating. Problems can occur in many different forms and contexts, from a disagreement over a toy, to peer-pressure, or difficulty with a maths task. While parents can sometimes be there to help solve problems with their children, it is much more important to help children become independent problem solvers. 

Children with problem solving skills experience less frustration and anger as they have tools to find a solution to whatever challenges they come across. This results in children who feel more confident and independent, and are more likely to experience success.

Problem solving skills can be broken down into simple steps. By teaching children the following 5 steps, they will have the building blocks for solving problems independently. These steps are suitable for children from about the age of 5 years.

5 Step Problem Solving

1.     How do you feel?  

Name the emotion(s) and calm down. Coming up against problems often leads to feelings of frustration, anger, or anxiety. Before we can solve our problem, we need to know how we are feeling (name the emotion), and calm these feelings. 

* Help the child come up with a good label for their feelings and let them know that all emotions are ok and useful.

* Help the child have ways of calming down: take a break, go to their ‘calm place’, or do some calm breathing.

2.     What is the problem? 

We need to know exactly what the problem is before we can solve it.

You can ask questions such as: Why do you feel angry or upset? What part of this is hard?

* Sometimes it might be helpful to break a problem into smaller parts or ‘chunks’ and work on one part at a time.

* Help the child focus on things that are within their control

* Gently remind the child that the problem belongs to them, not to other people. Don’t blame others for the problem.

3.     What are some solutions? 

It is helpful to think of as many different solutions to the problem as possible. Be creative. They don’t have to be ‘good’ solutions, just possibilities. 

* If the child gets stuck, help them brainstorm solutions, but make sure the child does most of the talking!

* Point out that the more problems you solve, the easier it is to think of solutions.

4.     What would happen?  

Think about what would happen if you chose each of the solutions you came up with. 

Is the solution safe? A safe solution means no one will be hurt or upset. Is the solution fair? How will everyone feel?

* Make sure the child thinks about both the positive and negative outcomes of each solution

5.     Choose and try a solution: 

Choose a solution. Try your solution. Did it solve the problem? 

If the solution does not solve the problem, you can try one of the other solutions you came up with.

* If a solution is unsuccessful, help the child to work out why and encourage them to try another possible solution.

These problem solving skills involve understanding and managing emotions, creative thinking, decision making, critical thinking and perseverance. All great skills for any child to have in their armoury!

Of course, many adults also struggle with problem solving and will benefit from learning or practicing these skills along with the children.

Managing Anxiety in a Classroom Setting - Tips for Teachers

Recently, a young client’s school contacted me to arrange a meeting to gain some strategies for managing her anxiety. They had been noticing that she was becoming increasingly anxious at school, to the point she was becoming angry and defiant towards them as well as other students. Her behaviour was escalating to the point that she was putting other students and staff members in danger, and understandably, they wanted to address this quickly.

(For the purpose of confidentiality, the client will be referred to as ‘Student’)

The teachers wanted to discuss the following items with me:

1.     How can we reduce Student's anxiety in the school setting?

2.     What strategies could our staff use to assist Student when she is feeling anxious/angry?

3.     How should we respond to Student when her train of thoughts escalate to drastic/worst case/'end of the world'- type scenarios?

4.     What can we do to prevent meltdowns at school?

5.     What strategies should we use to discuss and enforce consequences with Student?

6.     What strategies can we implement to prevent and de-escalate a situation in which Student has been defiant?

7.     What strategies could we employ to calm the Student after she has exhibited violent/defiant behaviour?

First and foremost, it is important for me to emphasise the magnificent, tireless work that teachers do. In attempting to answer the questions put forth by my clients’ teachers, I was attempting only to support their efforts from my particular discipline’s perspective, by no means direct them in how to do their job. The advice given was not ground breaking in any sense, but some tried and true methods. My aim was to assist them in the amazing work that they already do – truly inspiring, selfless and fundamental work within our communities.

I must also clarify here that I was also working intensively with the parents of this client, and the client herself, alongside my work with the teachers. This aimed to address any issues that may have been perpetuating these behaviours from a systemic perspective at home and other areas outside of school.

The questions raised by the teachers were addressed as follows:

1. How can we reduce Student's anxiety in the school setting?

• Set up a clear daily structure before the day begins

• Set clear expectations and give advanced warning of what will happen 1) now, 2) then, and 3) later

• Create rules in collaboration with Student – if she has buy-in into the process, she will be more likely to cooperate

• Use the rules and routines set up at the beginning of the day and follow up to make sure she is doing what she is supposed to (keep in mind that behaviour tends to get worse before it gets better)

• Break tasks into small chunks to reduce feelings of being overwhelmed, using visual cues wherever possible

2. What strategies could our staff use to assist Student when she is feeling anxious/angry?

• Get her to bring something comforting from home to hold (i.e. soft toy or blanket)

• Create a space where she can gather her thoughts with minimal distraction - not for misbehaviour. Call the area a special name, and equip it with items that promote relaxation - sensory items, books, comfortable beanbag or cushion, music, headphones etc.

• Reward her for going there independently, have a timer there so she knows how long she has been there and knows when to come back

3. How should we respond to Student when her train of thoughts escalate to drastic/worst case/'end of the world'- type scenarios?

• Relaxation breaks - counting, deep breathing, music, imaginary world

• Challenge her thoughts - What happened last time? What would you tell a friend? What would be the worst thing that could happen? How could we manage that together?

4. What can we do to prevent meltdowns at school?

• When she is calm and focused, speak with her about how she knows when she is feeling or getting upset, help to identify internal cues for these feelings, e.g. 'what does it feel like in your head or tummy?'. Write these down or draw them in pictures or colours. This will help her to identify those feelings.

• Talk with her about things that may soothe or calm her. Use yourself as an example to give some context and normalisation (normalisation and validation of feelings might be the most important strategies altogether!). Encourage or help her to practice some of the strategies on her list. Some examples could include: o Taking a walk, drawing, listening to favourite music, jumping on a trampoline, watching TV, reading, playing a favourite game, holding a favourite toy, squeeze balls, stuffed animals etc.

• Create a plan for both home and school and decide which strategies are more appropriate or useful in each situation

• Decide on specific people with whom she can discuss these strategies when she is feeling calm

• Have Student try to imagine the feelings and sensations of rising anger and rehearse a calming strategy with her (try anxietybc.com for progressive muscle relaxation). This is because when she is beginning to get angry she will not remember the strategies - practice helps to make them automatic.

• Teachers can practice calming strategies each morning in the class before the day begins, a good strategy for all kids in the class to practice

• Remember that meltdowns are always involuntary. Meltdowns also occur as a result of different stages that we can keep an eye out for:

  • Stage one is build-up - change in body posture, facial expression, movement, communication, routine or interaction

  • Stage two is survival - withdraws from activities, seek reassurance or seek repetitive activities

  • Stage three is the ‘meltdown’- try to reduce her stimulation levels, let it take its course

5. What strategies would you suggest we use to discuss and enforce consequences with Student? • Be consistent

• Always enforce consequences at time of unwanted behaviour

• Discuss unwanted behaviours and consequences with entire class – the Student must be aware of rules and consequences before they are able to be enforced, check that she understands the rules

• No bargaining or compromise

• Assign ‘lunchtime buddies’ that notice and compliment good behaviour in the other, can result in earning rewards to deter unwanted behaviour

6. What strategies can we implement to prevent and de-escalate a situation in which Student has been defiant?

• Find the best way to communicate:

  • Only give concise instructions – be very directive, avoid "no", use language like "finish" and "later"

• Use sensory tools

• Redirect to calming activities

• Use a physical break: trampoline, rolling on exercise ball, star jumps, walk, run

• Send her on an errand - let her be your helper

• Give her space and solitude

• Ignore if she is looking for a specific reaction, where possible turn and walk away

• Send her on a break

• In days following discuss with her what behaviour happened, why it may have happened, what she can do next time if she feels the same, practice the correct way to handle the situation

7. What strategies would you employ to calm Student after she has exhibited violent/defiant behaviour?

• Calming area of the classroom as above

• Sensory breaks - music, blanket, heavy rocks, books, weighted vest

• Physical break - trampoline, rolling on exercise ball, star jumps, walk, run

• Relaxation break - counting, breathing, music, imaginary world

• Send on errand, get her to do a job for you

• Solitude

• Toilet break, drink, food, talk to mentor

3 Questions You Need to Ask Yourself Before Going to Therapy

Most people come to therapy because they want to feel better. As humans, so much of our energy and time goes into trying to reduce our ‘bad’ feelings and increase ‘good’ feelings. Which makes sense - who wants to feel bad? Who wouldn’t want to feel good?

Where so many people get stuck, is when their efforts to change their emotion actually makes things worse in the long term. The ways we go about trying to feel better can often increase our suffering. Not only are the strategies ineffective, in that they don’t actually get rid of our pain, but they can often have negative consequences in multiple areas of our lives.

Take, for example, emotional eating. A common go-to for dealing with painful emotions, is turning to food. Comfort eating can be a way of distracting ourselves from difficult thoughts and emotions, and often gives us a short-term hit of pleasure. If we rely on this strategy excessively however, not only does it only work temporarily to relieve discomfort, but it can exacerbate our pain - often adding guilt to the pile of discomfort. Furthermore, it can introduce further costs into the mix - having consequences for our health and finances.

Another example is avoidance. Let’s take social anxiety for instance. For some people, socialising can bring up a lot of discomfort - worries about what other people will think about them, how others will judge what they look like, whether they are interesting/entertaining/funny enough etc. A common strategy to cope with this discomfort is to avoid social situations, and therefore the discomfort they elicit. This may take the form of declining social invitations, or more subtly avoiding opportunities for social interaction more broadly - like only going to university for classes and not hanging around at other times. This may avoid the discomfort that socialising can bring, but it sabotages the opportunity to develop fulfilling relationships.

We all do this stuff - things that make us feel better in the moment but that leave us worse off in the end. It’s often by following our natural instincts that we get stuck - our human brain is actually not wired well when it comes to dealing with emotion.

So this is not an exercise to judge, blame or criticise. I invite you to take an honest, open and nonjudgmental look at the ways you’re currently going about managing the pain that is inevitable with living. Ask yourself the following three questions:

• What are (all) the ways you currently go about trying to deal with pain?

  • Pain can be all difficult thoughts, beliefs, worries, memories, sensations, feelings and urges that show up.

  • Your current strategies may include: distraction (TV, shopping, social media, youtube etc.), avoidance (people, places, situations, quitting, withdrawing etc.), thinking (blaming others, worrying, planning, problem-solving, analysing, positive thinking etc) or substances & self-harm (food, alcohol, drugs, risk-taking etc.)

• How are they working? In the short and long term.

  • Did these strategies rid of you of the pain so that it never came back?

• What is the cost (if any) of continuing to rely on these strategies?

  • How has the use of your strategies impacted upon your health, vitality, energy, relationships, work, leisure, money, missed opportunities and wasted time?

In asking yourself these questions, you may find that some of these strategies aren’t working for you in the long term. If that’s the case, you may be wondering what the alternative is? That’s where therapy can help. Therapy focuses on skills to manage difficult thoughts and feelings so that they have less influence over you, and don’t interfere with you living the kind of life you want to lead.

Perfectionism: Working towards accepting imperfection

If you identify as a perfectionist, you are not alone! Many people have perfectionistic tendencies, in areas of their lives such as their work, study appearance and relationships, as well as in their expectations of others. 

That’s not to say that there is anything wrong with striving to perform well, as being a high achiever can be rewarding and allow people to take pride in their achievements and learn from their mistakes. 

But perfectionists differ from high achievers in that they embody a toxic combination of excessively high personal standards, extreme self-criticism, and fragile self-worth. These attributes create a lot of stress, suffering and unhappiness, and actually impair the likelihood of performing well.

Perfectionism, and its accompanying desire to avoid failure, leads to behaviours and feelings such as:

·      Procrastination

·      Avoiding situations and tasks that you might fail in

·      Finding it difficult to compromise

·      Giving up quickly if a particular activity does not seem to be going well

·      Having difficulty making decisions

·      Feeling angry when you or others make mistakes

·      Seeking reassurance form others that your work is good enough

·      Impatience

·      Not taking constructive criticism well

·      Competing to be better than others

·      Being easily disappointed

·      Finding it difficult to delegate tasks

Some ways to tackle perfectionism

Perfectionism can be addressed, leading to healthier attitudes. Try some of the following ideas if you think you may have perfectionistic tendencies.

1. Look at the pros and cons 

Write down lists of the pros and cons of perfectionism for you. While you may believe that perfectionism helps you to perform and achieve, it is important to be aware of what the negative consequences for you. Use these to motivate yourself to change your attitudes. 

2. Raise awareness of your critical inner voice

Perfectionists tend to be extremely self-critical, particularly when they do not think they have met their high standards. They have negative thoughts about not being good enough, or not having tried hard enough. Perfectionists typically engage in “should” and “must” thinking, as well as “black and white” thinking, where they can only see extremes. For example, “it wasn’t perfect, so I failed”. 

A good way to become more aware of your self-critical thinking is to write down your thoughts (preferably as they occur) when you feel you have failed or not done well enough. You can then notice what messages you are sending yourself, and consider whether they are accurate or helpful. Challenge your thoughts!

3. Notice the positives

Perfectionists tend to focus on perceived failings, mistakes and evidence that they are not achieving, while not noticing good qualities or progress. To counteract this, try focusing on noticing what you have done well and the positive achievements of others. Every time you catch yourself focusing on a negative aspect of yourself or your activity, balance this with a positive observation.

4. Accept criticism and learn from mistakes

Try to accept constructive criticism as valuable information and helpful towards achieving better outcomes, just as learning from mistakes is important. This is often difficult for perfectionists who, because of their debilitating fear of failing or not measuring up, tend to react defensively to any criticism and equate any mistakes with complete failure.  

5. Set attainable goals

Perfectionism typically involves setting unrealistic and rigid goals, setting the person up to ‘fail’. By setting yourself smaller and achievable sub-goals, you will be more likely to experience success and reach your longer-term goal. You might consider rewarding yourself when you achieve each goal. 

6. Focus on the process

Perfectionists tend to be very results and goal focused. Challenge this by reminding yourself that the process leading to the outcome is also important and to be enjoyed if possible. Notice the steps, gains and progress that form the process.

With practice, it is possible to accept that ‘almost perfect’ is still a job very well done and that, while you may not be ‘perfect’, that is exactly how it should be.

Learning to be Less Controlled by Your Thoughts: Cognitive Defusion and how to achieve it

How are our Thoughts like Facebook Comments?

It can be helpful sometimes to look at our thoughts as if they were comments on a Facebook post. When you look at the post, there might be thousands of comments from people all over the world. In the comments, there are all sorts of different opinions. Just because the comments are there in front of you, does not necessarily mean that you take all of the comments to be fact, honest, or helpful, just because you can see them. However, some of the comments might actually be factual or helpful in some way. Because we know that we can’t necessarily take the comments to be fact at first glance, we look at them with a critical eye before we choose to decide if they are helpful to us or not. It is helpful to look at our thoughts in this same way, with some distance.

Observe Your Thoughts Without Judgment

We have thousands of thoughts that come in and out of our minds at any given moment, which we have no control over. Some of the thoughts might feel random, unhelpful, dishonest, hurtful, surprising or scary. Some of the thoughts might feel helpful, truthful or kind. Because the thoughts we experience have been created in our own mind, we tend to grow up believing that whatever they are telling us is true. We also label them in our mind to be “scary” or “sad”, which invariably leaves us feeling scared, depressed, anxious or bad about ourselves.

When we hold onto, or “fuse” with our thoughts in this way, the thoughts themselves can become controlling and prevent us from seeing other options. It is helpful if we can observe our thoughts in the same way we observe Facebook comments - with a critical eye, from a distance. Even better, if we can look at them without judgment, and not label them as “scary”, “sad”, “happy” or otherwise - instead just be a curious observer - our thoughts will have less capacity to control us.

How To Do It

Cognitive defusion involves seeing thoughts and feelings for what they are,streams of words, passing sensations - not what they say they are: ‘dangers’, ‘truth’ or ‘facts’. Cognitive defusion is about:

• noticing thoughts rather than getting caught up or buying into the thought

• letting thoughts come and go rather than holding onto the thought.

The purpose of cognitive defusion is to enable you to be aware of the actual process of your thinking so you are better able to reflect objectively and problem solve effectively before taking any action. Read on for some tips on how to observe - or defuse from - your thoughts.

1. Stop/Step back/Observe:

   Notice what’s happening – your thoughts, physical sensations, emotions, images, memories. Notice the way you’re interpreting what they mean, and how that’s affecting you.

2. External voice:

   Instead of saying, “I’m going to fail,” say, “I’m having the thought that I’m going to fail”, thereby creating some space between you and the thought.

3. Name the story:

   If all these thoughts and feelings were put into a movie titled “the something something story”, what would you call it? For example, “the I’m going to fail story” or the “no one likes me story”.

4. Type it out:

   Imagine your thought on a computer screen, then play with itby changing the font, colour and formatting.

5. Pop-up mind:

   Imagine that your unhelpful thought is like an internet pop-up ad. Practice closing the pop-up window.

6. Say it slowly:

   Say the thought in slow motion. What do you notice about the power of the thought now? Is it as painful or uncomfortable as it was before you practiced this strategy?

7. Thanking your mind:

   Next time an unhelpful thought pops into your head, try saying “thanks for that brain.” After all, your brain thinks it’s helping!

8. Carrying cards:

   Write difficult thoughts on small cards, or make a note of them on your phone and carry them with you. It helps show you that you can carry your history with you without losing your ability to control your life.

9. Use metaphors try to see things differently.

   For example:

• Passengers on the Bus: You can be in the driving seat, whilst all the passengers (thoughts) are being critical or shouting directions. You can allow them to shout, whilst focusing on the road ahead. Can you stay focused on driving your bus safely to your destination?

• Playground Bully (our thoughts can be our own internal bully)

  • Victim 1 – believes the bully, distressed, reacts automatically (bully carries on)

  • Victim 2 – challenges the bully (bully eventually gives up, but mightcome back later, more strongly)

  • Victim 3 – acknowledges then ignores the bully, changing focus of attention.

• Leaves on a stream: When the thought pops up, imagine placing it on a leaf on top of a gentle stream and watching as it disappears.

• The Beach Ball: We try to stop thoughts – we hold the ball (thoughts) under water, but it keeps popping up. This can be very tiring after a while. Instead, we can allow the ball to float around us, just letting it be.

• Thought train: We can sit on the train, watching the scenery (thoughts, images, sensations) go by, or stand on the platform watching the thought train pass by – we don’t have to jump on it.

• The Tunnel: When we get anxious driving through a tunnel, the best option is to keep going rather than try to escape. This feeling will pass – there is always an end to this tunnel.

• The Mountain: Whatever the weather, or whatever happens on the surface of the mountain – the mountain stands firm, strong, grounded, and permanent. We can be like that mountain, observing thoughts, feelings, sensations, knowing inner stillness.

Teens and Screens

Teenagers and their phones is an issue parents raise with me every week. Parents are exasperated and bewildered at how closely their teens are attached to their screens, and teens are incensed at how controlling their parents are, and how much their parents just don’t get it. 

Here are a few dos and don’ts when it comes to navigating this tricky minefield:

DON’T

·      Take away the phone. Although this forces your teen to use their phone less, it doesn’t teach them the long-term skills to balance their use, which is ultimate goal. 

·      Get stuck in lectures or debates about phone use. You will never understand how important the phone is to your teen, and your teen will never understand (or value) your concerns. Not only will these approaches be ineffective, but will impact negatively on your relationship.

·      Invalidate your teen’s perspective. Even if you don’t understand the importance of their phone use, listen to why their phone is important to them, and don’t dismiss their thoughts and perspective just because it’s different to yours. 

·      Get drawn into an argument when your teen gets defensive – for the sake of effectiveness, and for the sake of your relationship. 

·      Be directive in your approach. It is much more powerful to listen to your teen, and get them to come up with some ideas. 

DO

·      Reassure them that you understand their phone is important to them, which is why you don’t want to ban it completely. What you want is to find a solution for their phone use that works for both of you.

·      Give a (short!) rationale for why it’s important to you that you set boundaries on their phone use. 

·      Negotiate a mutually agreeable solution. Negotiation is one of the most powerful parenting tools with teenagers. 

·      Approach the negotiation as you would with a colleague or adult friend. This will make collaboration much more likely, and get you much closer to a successful outcome.

·      Measure progress, organizing a time to check in and discuss how successful the plan has been. If they’re able to stick to the plan, they can continue to manage their use independently. If not, you need to continue to work together to find a solution. 

Taking a different approach to solving the problem of phone use can be difficult. However, it is the way you go about this issue that is critical to its outcome. Shifting from an authoritarian to a collaborative parenting approach can not only improve the likelihood of a solution, but improve the relationship, teach important skills and build mutual respect in the process. 

Valuing Yourself: Starting to Understand and Challenge Self Esteem

Simply put, self-esteem refers to our opinion of ourselves, and how much we value ourselves. Many people suffer from low self-esteem. Low self-esteem means we have an overall negative opinion of ourselves, and leads to ongoing unhappiness and dissatisfaction. 

The key word here is ‘opinion’. People with low self-esteem usually judge themselves harshly, and strongly believe that they are not good enough or flawed in some basic way. They often do not recognise that these beliefs or opinions about themselves are not facts.

Often it is the messages from those we value most (e.g. parents, siblings, peers, and teachers) that shape our self-esteem the most growing up. Sometimes people can work out that their low self-esteem has come from negative experiences in their early life, such as: 

·      Being bullied

·      Being criticised a lot as a child 

·      Not being able to live up to others’ standards 

·      Feeling like they didn’t fit in at home or school

Sometimes current life experiences can also lead to, or increase, low-esteem. For example: 

·      Feeling lonely

·      Not performing well at work or school

·      A relationship breakdown

·      Being treated badly by others

·      Depression or anxiety 

·      Chronic illness or disability

These types of experiences can lead people to reach negative conclusions about themselves, resulting in strong negative beliefs about themselves, such as being ‘worthless’, ‘not good enough’, ‘unlovable’ or ‘bad’. 

Low self-esteem can greatly impact how people live and feel because it can affect all areas of life. Some ways low self-esteem may impact life include:  

·      Negative feelings, such as sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger or shame

·      Difficulties with relationships, including not expecting to be respected, not standing up for themselves, excessively trying to please others, being very shy, or expressing anger towards others

·      Perfectionism, to compensate for perceived inferiority or inadequacy    

·      Being self-critical and blaming of themselves, and using negative words to describe themselves (e.g. ugly, stupid, not lovable)

·      Ignoring their positive qualities to focus on perceived weaknesses and faults

·      Believing that they are inferior to others

·      Fearing failure and so avoiding challenges or opportunities

·      Not being able to take credit for achievements or accept compliments

Does this sound like you? If so, it may seem like you can’t change the situation, but low self-esteem based on past experiences and relationships doesn’t have to be your future. Your own thoughts and opinions about yourself and the things that happen in your life probably influence your self-esteem the most. The good news is that these thoughts and opinions are something you can control, and working on changing these (although not easy) can help you develop a more accurate view of yourself, and healthier self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem allows you to value your qualities, while recognising and accepting your flaws.

Some steps towards healthy self-esteem

Be kind to yourself

Treat yourself like you would treat a good friend. Be kind, supportive, and understanding. Also, remember that everyone makes mistakes – in fact making mistakes is part of how we learn and improve.

Acknowledge your positive qualities

Try writing down all the positive things about yourself (big and small – e.g. I’m friendly, I’m funny, I’m a good cook, I love my pets, I’m creative, I can enjoy nature, I read a lot of books, I’m a thoughtful friend). Look out for your critical inner voice while you do this, and ask a trusted friend to help if you get stuck or have a look here for a list of positive attributes. Make an effort to notice these things about yourself every day, and mark them on your list.

Nobody’s perfect 

Including you! Make an effort to accept yourself, flaws and all.

Don’t compare yourself to others – you do you 

Recognise that everyone is different and has their own special qualities. Focus on your own goals and achievements. 

Question your negative ‘self-talk’

Make an effort to listen to your inner voice, and notice when you criticise yourself. Write down your negative self-evaluations when you notice them. Then think about whether the criticism is an opinion or fact, try and think of any objective evidence that the criticism is true or not (ask someone you trust to help if you get stuck), and look for other ways to view the situation. You may find that there are other, more realistic, ways to see yourself and situations.

Focus on the here-and-now

Notice when you are reliving past pains, and bring your mind and thoughts back to what you are doing in the present. Practice mindfulness.

Enjoy yourself 

Plan activities you enjoy (big and small) into every week.  Schedule them on a calendar or diary, and/or plan to do them with others, to make it more likely you will do them.

Get moving

Exercise regularly to boost your mood and help you to feel good about yourself. If you’re not used to exercising regularly, start small and build up your exercise. Exercise with others to keep motivated. 

Find your people

Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself, and avoid those who trigger your negative thoughts.

Try to practise these ideas as regularly as you can. Be kind to yourself about your progress as it takes time and effort to change the way you think, feel and behave, and to develop new habits. Be patient and persistent as you move towards healthy self-esteem.

The Four Pitfalls of Any Relationship and What to do About Them

Coming to therapy with your partner is a brave step to take in improving one of the most important relationships in your life. You may decide to approach couples’ therapy when you have come up against a roadblock you can’t move beyond. Alternatively, attending couples therapy regularly might be a practice you already carry out to maintain your relationship and keep it progressing.

The most substantial literature in couples’ therapy comes from the extensive research completed by the Gottman Institute, based in Seattle USA. Longitudinal studies with married couples completed by Gottman and others over the course of 12 years were able to predict divorce or separation with 90% accuracy. 

Gottman found that the average couple will wait six years before seeking help for marital problems, and that half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years (Gottman, J.M. 1994). Stable marriages have a 5:1 ratio of positivity to negativity during conflict, whereas in unstable marriages the ratio is 0.8:1 (Gottman, J.M. and Lenvenson, R. 1999). Emotional withdrawal, and the absence of positive affect during conflict discussions (shared humour, affection, empathy) predict divorce around 16 years after the wedding (Gottman, J.M. 1994).

Although these studies were completed in 1994 with married couples, the findings continue to hold up in a modern context. Couples of any sexual orientation or marital status continue to benefit from the findings of these longitudinal studies. This blog will discuss the four communication styles – known as ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ – that help to predict early divorce or separation in couples. I will also discuss some strategies couples may employ to improve upon these communication styles. 

1.    Criticism

This is when you verbally attack the other person’s personality or character. This is different to voicing your concerns or a complaint. 

For example, a concern or complaint would be: 
“I felt frustrated and upset when you said you were going to do the dishes after dinner and then you didn’t do them. I thought we had agreed to take turns” 
A criticism would be: “You never think about how your behaviour affects me. You never think of other people, you’re just selfish”

A concern or complaint addresses a specific issue. A criticism attacks someone at their core. It makes the other person feel rejected, hurt, or assaulted and can lead to an escalating pattern of criticism with greater intensity and frequency.

What to do about it:

Express your concerns by speaking about how the other person’s behaviour (not their character) impacts the way that you feel. In doing so, express to your partner what you need from them in a positive and not attacking way. Using “I” statements is a great way to do this. 

For example, instead of saying something like “You eat too much junk food”, try “I feel worried when you eat lots of sugar because your family have a history of cholesterol problems, and your health and wellbeing is really important to me. Why don’t we try together to make some healthier choices?”

2. Contempt

Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce, and the most corrosive behaviour in a relationship. It is to attack the other person’s sense of self with the intent to insult or abuse them. When one partner is contemptuous toward the other, they are made to feel despised and worthless. Contempt is being truly mean or mocking towards your partner. When you communicate in this way you are sarcastic, use aggressive humour, treat the other person with disrespect, name call, eye-roll, sneer, ridicule, mimic or scoff. 

An example of contempt:

“You think you’ve had a busy day? I’ve been racing around doing things for you and the kids all day. You just come home and lie down and do absolutely nothing to help. You wouldn’t know hard work if it smacked you in the face. Cry me a river! You’re so lazy and pathetic you have no bloody idea!”

Research even demonstrates that contemptuous couples are more likely to suffer from colds or the flu than others due to weakened immune systems. Contempt goes beyond criticism. It assumes a position of moral superiority as it aims to embarrass or shame your partner by painting them as unworthy. It must be eliminated if you want your relationship to succeed.

What to do about it:

Build a culture of appreciation between yourself and your partner. Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities. What attracted you to them in the first place? Write down or memorise every single positive or helpful thing they do or say – no matter how small it may seem. Find gratitude for their positive actions and demonstrate this to them. Thank them. Say something nice to them. Put yourself in their shoes. 

3. Defensiveness

Everyone has been defensive at some point. Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism, and is usually present when a relationship is in strife. Defensiveness in a relationship is when you victimise yourself to ward off a perceived criticism or attack, and to reverse blame. 

An example of defensiveness:

“Did you call Toby and Melissa to let them know that we’re not coming tonight like you said you would?”

Defensive response: “I was too busy today! You know how busy my day was. Why didn’t you just do it?”

This partner not only responds defensively but reverse blames in an attempt to make it the other partner’s fault.

When you feel like you have been unjustly accused, you will make excuses and play the victim so that your partner backs off. Unfortunately this strategy is almost never successful. When you make excuses it just tells your partner that you don’t take their concerns seriously, and that you are unwilling to take responsibility for your mistakes. 

Although it is understandable to defend yourself if you are feeling attacked and stressed out, this approach will not have the desired effect. Defensiveness will only escalate conflict if the other partner does not back down or apologise, because defensiveness is really a way of blaming them in return.

What to do about it:

Take responsibility. Accept your partner’s perspective and offer an apology for any wrongdoing. Offer a non-defensive response as a way to express acceptance of responsibility, admission of fault where required, and an understanding of your partners perspective. 

In the example above, a non-defensive response to the question would be: “Oops, I forgot to call them! I should have asked you this morning if you would be able to do it because I knew I would be too busy today. That’s my fault, I’m sorry. I’ll call them right now.”

4.  Stonewalling

Stonewalling is withdrawing to avoid conflict and convey disapproval, distance, and separation, and is usually in response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when you shut down from the interaction, and simply stop responding to your partner. Rather than confronting the issues your partner is raising, you evade them by either tuning out, acting busy, turning away, or engaging in distracting behaviours.  

Stonewalling can take some time to occur in a relationship, but once it begins to happen it can be difficult to stop. This may be due to feeling overwhelmed emotionally and physiologically, and therefore not being in a state to be able to discuss things rationally. 

What to do about it:

If you feel like you’re stonewalling during a conflict conversation, ask your partner to take a break.

For example: “I’m feeling too angry/anxious/upset to keep talking about this. Can we please take a break and come back to it in a while? It will be easier to work through this once I’ve calmed down”

During the break time, take around 20 minutes to do something that soothes you. Go for a walk, listen to a podcast, stretch your muscles, take some deep breaths, or read a book, and then return to the conversation once you feel ready - it is important to make sure that you do return to it. 

What To Do Instead of Controlled Crying

Attachment theory has advanced significantly over the past decade, providing research that discounts many of the previously held views stemming from behaviourism.  

The attitude that comforting a child in distress spoils them, reinforces the behaviour or creates a “rod for your own back” is just not supported by current research.

Being available, responsive and sensitive to your child’s emotions and needs, from birth, is what builds the foundation for secure attachment. Secure attachment is one of the most powerful gifts you can provide your child – setting the foundations for emotional, social and physical health and wellbeing into adulthood. 

One controversial legacy of behaviourism is controlled crying. Still a topic to divide parents today, attachment theory provides important insights into the mechanisms involved in the process. Research shows that although controlled crying may “work” in terms of the outcome of reducing crying, cortisol remains high in “sleep trained” infants. This suggests that the underlying emotion hasn’t changed; the children just learn the futility of communicating their distress. In this way, what controlled crying teaches is – “There is no point in asking for help because it won’t arrive”. The distress remains, the underlying emotion remains, and an important lesson is learnt that they cannot rely on others for support. 

Attachment theory provides an alternative approach to managing sleep difficulties, that protects the emotional wellbeing of your child, and your relationship:

·     Babies are not designed to sleep well!

Our society has an obsession with babies and sleep, equating “good” babies with sleeping babies. This can create anxiety amongst parents, making them feel like they are doing something wrong if their babies aren’t sleeping. Babies pick up on the anxiety and distress of their parents, making sleep even harder to achieve. Check in with your expectations, and let go of unhelpful beliefs. 

·     Shift your focus from “Doing” to “Being”

Instead of making the aim to get your baby to sleep, use the lead up to bedtime to just be present. Watch them. Once he or she is calm, just take a moment to share the moment with them. Don’t try to do anything, just be calm and quiet together. 

·     Get to know your baby’s tired signs

This can take time and practice, but gives you valuable information to make sleep more likely. As you get better at noticing your baby’s early sleep signs, you have a greater opportunity to catch the window that is easiest for your baby to achieve sleep. 

·     Do what it takes to calm your baby

When your baby is having difficulty settling to sleep, it will be near impossible for them to fall asleep distressed. By calming your baby you are creating the conditions possible for them to sleep.

·     Go with your gut

When you are trying new ways to help your baby sleep, check in with how it sits with you as a parent. If it feels wrong, trust that feeling. If your baby seems more distressed, listen and respond to them accordingly. Use and trust your intuition. 

·     Trust your baby

Babies’ sleep matures and develops as they do. There is no need to rush the process, especially when doing so creates stress for everyone involved. 

·     It’s never too late to focus on attachment!

If you are someone who has practiced controlled crying in the past, because it was the done thing, or because you were keen to try whatever you could to get some sleep, don’t beat yourself up! Blame and judgment never helped anyone become a better parent. Attachment is an ongoing process and is not set in stone. Ruptures can be repaired and security can be achieved. 

Loneliness: The Importance of Social Connection

Many people will feel lonely at some points in their lives, as loneliness affects around 25% of Australians. Although everyone’s experience of loneliness will be unique, loneliness is often described as the feeling we get when our need for rewarding social contact and relationships is not met, in quantity and/or quality. Loneliness can often leave a person feeling vulnerable.

Because loneliness is not always the same as being alone, people can feel lonely in very different situations. For example, you might be content with very little contact with other people, and choose to live alone, while others would feel lonely in the same situation. Or you may feel lonely, even though you are surrounded by people. You can still feel lonely while you are in a relationship, part of a family, or very socially active, particularly if you don’t feel valued or understood by those around you.

While it is normal to feel lonely from time to time, long periods of loneliness or social isolation can have a negative impact on your physical and mental health. In fact, research shows that lacking social connections is as damaging to our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and can increase our likelihood of earlier death by 26%. Loneliness increases the risk of high cholesterol, cardiovascular disease, and high blood pressure.

In terms of mental health, there is good evidence that loneliness increases people’s risk of cognitive decline, risk of developing clinical dementia, experience of stress, and symptoms of depression or anxiety. However, the relationship between loneliness and depression is reciprocal - experiencing chronic loneliness is likely to make depression worse, and one of the symptoms of depression is increased social isolation, as it is more difficult to connect with others when depressed.

On the flipside, research tells us that the stronger our social connections, the healthier and happier we are. Social connectedness is a predictor of overall wellbeing, and has been shown to increase our resilience to stress and trauma.

Loneliness can be experienced for many reasons, including:

• Living alone

• Losing someone close to you through death or relocation

• Feelings of loss or grief

• Disconnection from family

• Mental health conditions: for example, depression or anxiety

• Feelings of being “different” or rejected by others, or fear of this happening

• Language or cultural barriers

• Access issues: Difficulties with mobility, illness, or transport, resulting in inability to socialise

• Change of role: Retirement from work, or starting out in a new role or community (e.g. starting university, relocation for work)

• Change in location (e.g. moving home)

• Geographic isolation

It is generally acknowledged that older people are more likely to experience loneliness through factors such as loss of a partner or friends through death, living alone, or inability to take part in social activities because of lack of mobility or transport issues. 

However, research has recently highlighted that young people aged 15-25 years are also experiencing elevated rates and intensity of loneliness. It is relevant that this age group is very connected via social media, and the quality of these connections is not sufficient without face-to-face interaction. Furthermore, the selective nature of what people post on social media can lead to unrealistic comparisons being made, leading to dissatisfaction with social connections and feelings of loneliness.

Reducing Loneliness

Recognising what types of social connections are rewarding for you, and meet your social needs, is an important step in knowing how best to fulfil these needs. Do you simply need someone to share time with? Do you feel most connected when sharing an activity or interest? Maybe you feel closest to others when exploring meaningful conversation? There is not a single ‘right’ way to connect, but connecting meaningfully is most beneficial. 

Some ideas about how to improve your social connection:

·       Connect with others – this may sound obvious, but when you are lonely it is harder to feel like making contact with others

o   Connect with friends and family – reconnect if you have lost touch, use technology if distance is a problem.

o   Accept invitations to socialise, even if you don’t feel like it

·       Get out and about 

o   Exercise, shopping, or going to public places can be opportunities to have small daily interactions that hold loneliness at bay, and make interacting with others easier. Chat with the shop assistant, or exchange comments at the gym.

·       Get involved with your community

o   Get involved in a hobby, join a club, enrol in study, or learn a new skill. Find out what is available near you and start something you’re interested in with like-minded people. 

·       Volunteer 

o   Volunteering helps others and has been shown to increase feelings of social connectedness

o   Volunteering Australiais an organisation that can help you find volunteering options that may suit you

·      Online groups 

o   Meetup is an internet site that organises online groups of people with similar interests. Crucially, however, the groups organise offline meetings and activities so you can take part in person. 

Although solving the problem of high levels of loneliness in our society will probably need community and government involvement, we can all do our bit to help address the problem. Focus on face-to-face friendships, reach out to neighbours, and contact family are all small acts we can do to improve our social connection and help those around us to benefit too.

Tips to Manage Your Time

How often have you made a point of putting time aside to go for a walk or call a friend and ended up watching TV instead? Or planned on getting a few hours of study done and ended up scrolling Instagram? Not managing our time well can leave us feeling frustrated, dissatisfied and stressed. This is because when it comes to time management it is important for all of us to spend our time doing things that we value. Time is one of the most valuable resources we have, however, so many of us squander it away engaging in behaviours that do not align with our values. Here are some tips to support better time management and the likelihood of engaging in values-directed behaviours.

1.    Know what is important to you: 

Identify the values, activities and goals that are most important in your life. These values are the map by which you give direction to your life and schedule your time. 

2.    Prioritise: 

Activities can be ranked in terms of what is important and what is less important. Next time you are dedicating your time to a particular activity, ask yourself, ‘How important is this to me?’  For example, if you have been scrolling your phone for more than 30 minutes, think back to point number 1 and redirect your attention to more important values-based activities or goals.

3.    Plan: 

Use reminders, a calendar, diary, and ‘to do’ lists. A written plan gives us the ability to organise our thoughts, saving us time in the long run. We are then able to stand back and appreciate our accomplishments as we gradually tick these things off.

4.    Delegate tasks: 

This can be tricky to do, however, a large contributor to stress is the notion that we have to do everything by ourselves. Take a look at your schedule or ‘to-do’ list and decide what can be handed on to somebody else.

5.    Work out a system: 

Spend some time organising your environment so that you have a space to work in that you appreciate, and to easily access any items you may need. Write down and establish a regular routine, carving out protected time for high-valued activities.

6.    Avoid procrastinating: 

Set yourself deadlines, use them to increase motivation, and add inbuilt rewards. Procrastinating important tasks adds to increased stress over time. Try instead tackling smaller, more manageable tasks regularly and build these into your routine (point number 5).

7.    Leave some wiggle room: 

Try not to fill up your timetable completely, and allow a little slack or leeway. This way if something crops up, it is less likely that you will feel overwhelmed, and you have the ability to be flexible if needed.

8.    Remember that it is ok to say ‘no’: 

Just because somebody asks you to do something, it does not mean that you have to say yes. Putting the values and activities of others above yourself means that you will more likely be deflected from what you really want to do. This may then lead to increases in stress as you move further away from your own values and goals. 

9.    Identify prime time:

Figure out when you work best and plan that time for your most demanding tasks. For example, if you work best early in the morning, schedule trickier or lengthier tasks in then. Similarly, allocate undemanding tasks to times when your energy levels may be low such as the afternoon.

 

10. Remember it doesn’t have to be perfect:

If you have to get everything absolutely right you may spend too much time on tasks that are not a priority. Try not to be bogged down in small details, missing out on the broader picture. For example, if you are writing a draft essay, don’t pay too much attention on structure or grammar – get down your ideas (perhaps in bullet point form) and come back to it later. Be kind to yourself!

11. Keep a balance: 

Keeping balance in your life will likely result in better use of your time overall. Vary and contrast activities in different areas of your life, spending time in a balance between work, home, leisure, physical activity and mental activity. Plan natural breaks during the day, relax at weekends and take holidays. You don’t have to be everything to everyone at all times. 

6 Tips For Coping With A Break-Up

There are few that escape the devastating pain of heartbreak. Whether it is from experiencing such loss firsthand, or witnessing a loved one go through it – it can be one of the hardest life episodes to navigate. 

Although there are few, if any, helpful ways to escape the pain, there are some steps to take to look after yourself in the event of a broken heart

1.    Give permission to yourself to grieve.

 Grief is an individual process that can look different for everyone. All emotions, of all intensities, are normal and acceptable. Judging yourself for feeling a certain way, creating expectations about how you “should” be coping and criticising yourself for being too sensitive are all so unhelpful and make an already difficult time more painful. Making space for your grief and having compassion for yourself in the process actually helps you move through the emotion more easily.

2.    Focus on people and activities that bring you joy.
Even if you’re unlikely to enjoy things to the level you used to, it’s important to keep connected to friends and family, and schedule activities and tasks that have brought you a sense of enjoyment and fulfillment in the past. Giving in to that urge to stay in bed with a box of tissues and litres of ice cream may be easier, but in the long-term will keep you stuck. 

3.    Keep a balanced mindset.

After a break-up it can be easy to get swept up in your emotional mind and focus on all the positives about the relationship, romanticize your ex-partner, and catastrophise about being single for the rest of your life. This kind of thinking can make you vulnerable to giving a second chance to a partner who doesn’t deserve it, allowing mistreatment and lowering your threshold for acceptable behaviour in a relationship. Be honest with yourself… how much of the time were you truly happy in your relationship? If you create a picture of your ideal relationship, how did your partner’s behaviour and commitment measure up? What would your advice to a friend be if they were in a similar situation? These exercises are all about connecting with your rational mind, to avoid being pushed around by your emotions and making choices you later regret. 

4.    Use the opportunity to reflect. 

If you could have your time again, what would you have done differently? What changes would you have made to the relationship? How can you use this information to make more helpful choices in the future? Every failed relationship is a step towards the right one, so use it as a learning opportunity towards your next relationship.

5.  Self-care, self-care, self-care.

Go back to basics to reduce your vulnerability to being overwhelmed by your emotions. Get enough sleep, exercise, fuel your body and mind with healthy food and don’t overdo the alcohol.

6.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

As humans, we’re designed to depend on others in times of difficulty. Don’t feel like you have to “be strong” and just deal with it yourself. Connect with friends and family, and consider professional help if your pain is causing you too much distress and getting in the way of your life.